8.29.2005

Crapometer #17


Samantha woke to find she was no longer in her bedroom, or in fact any place that she recognized at all. The walls had a faded, shimmering glow, as if trapping the morning sun and giving the impression that they had no substance, except that you couldn't see through them. The floor and the ceiling had the same pale yellowish red shimmer. Besides the bed and dresser, the room was empty with no apparent door, window or any other obvious exit. The only recognizable item was an old, slightly tattered, smiling, green foot-and-a-half tall dragon sitting on her dresser. Her father had given her the stuffed animal when she was much younger. It was a toy from when he was a boy.

The whole unreality convinced her that this room had to be a dream. She closed her eyes, turned over and tried to fall back to sleep, or rather, to fall into another dream before waking. Unfortunately sleep did not come. She stretched and opened her eyes again, only to see what she had seen before and got up. Saying a quick prayer as she fiddled with the silver cross that hung from a chain around her neck, she decided to explore the room.

Samantha was twelve and a half. The half was important as it meant that she was almost thirteen and would be old enough that maybe her parents would let her do more things and be independent. A thirteen year old would not be afraid to be alone in a strange place.



You'll notice we get no emotional sense of Samantha...despite the fact she wakes up in a strange room. Miss Snark is WAY more than 12.5 and when she wakes up in a strange room, she has a loud and violent reaction. Now admittedly, Samantha has not discovered gin pails and boy toys but still...don't you think she'd feel something??

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Duly noted. I was expecting at least one more draft with this one anyhow.

Rei said...

(I know it's long after this was posted, buuuuut...)

The lines that led me straight to Miss Snark's conclusion were these:

"Her father had given her the stuffed animal when she was much younger. It was a toy from when he was a boy."

That's garden variety, no holds barred telling. It's also offtopic from the main concern of the reader. Lets take this ad absurdum:

"Her father had given her the stuffed animal when she was much younger. It was a toy from when he was a boy. He grew up in New Jersey. The air smells really bad there because of all of the industry. Many industries have been polluting the world, and the pollutants get into our food. I'm hungry; I should eat something."

To keep it simple, you could just have said that all she could recognize was the tattered heirloom stuffed dragon her father had given her. "Heirloom" indicates that it's been passed down, "tattered" gives a good idea of its shape, and you've mentioned where she got it. If it's a stuffed animal, it's assumed that it was given when she was little.