Crapometer volunteer #1
Friday of Memorial day weekend was the official start of the summer
charter fishing season in Homer, Alaska. I stood on the deck of the
Sadie Hawkins with a navy blue baseball cap on my head. The cap
labeled me as The Captain. After a quick visual to make sure
everything was spic and span, I glanced at the group approaching my
boat, nodded, then fainted.
Over the years, I'd had plenty of reasons to faint. Such as the day Jack
McDonald, my husband, disappeared from our boat. Or the day the search
and recovery was called off. But I'd been steady and stable during those
two weeks of hell.
blah blah blah
No, it was when my husband returned my nod, five years after his death,
that I fainted.
Now HERE is where it gets interesing. This is your lead. All that other stuff is just exposition. Start with the gripper.
Since fainting was new to me, I was shocked --in a passed out way -- when I
heard all the commotion going on around me.
more blah blah blah
Lucky for me, I didn't hit the deck. No, I fell into Jack's waiting
arms. When I could finally pry my eyes open, I planned to have a little
chat with him about that. How dare he disappear for five years only to
return and have me fall into his arms.
now we're back to something interesting.
Notice that action = interesting to me?
Mingled with the sounds of gulls squawking, was, "Oh, God, Sadie." His
voice was soft and filled with concern.
He lowered me to the deck. "A rag. I need a rag," he said with urgency.
Why? Had I stabbed him with the bait knife before I keeled over?
It's not crap, but it's not as honed as I'd look for. Go back and use that bait knife to really pare away.
One thing you did really well was avoid a lot of description of hair and eyes and flawless skin which is what usually bogs down narrative early on.
I'd read on.