8.29.2005

Is it Crap? Volunteer #11



The body lay near the edge of the pond, one red stiletto-clad foot submerged in a puddle of muddy water left by the storm the night before. The matching sequined dress was torn and stained, one of the spaghetti straps ripped off, exposing a rosy-tipped breast. Soggy maple leaves and dirt clung to the woman's pale skin. Blue eyes, wide and terror-filled, stared unseeingly at the canopy of leaves overhead. Blood pooled on the ground beneath her head from the severed artery in her neck, matting in her platinum blonde hair.


yea yea yea, if I had a nickel for every time someone wanted to kill me in my stiletto heels, I'd have more than a dollar a day for life. This is ok, it's just so...usual.



But it was her bare arms and hands that drew Ben Carver's attention, from the muscle definition in her triceps to the tips of her scarlet-painted nails. Her hands were placed palm-to-palm on her chest between her breasts, almost Madonna-like. Had she been posed this way after she was dead? Or had she been praying for mercy when her killer slit her throat?


That's your lead. This is action oriented, and there's some tension. I'd start here.


Ben crouched beside the body and plucked a leaf from her cheek, noticing the stain it left on her flawless skin. Yesterday, the woman was a knockout. Today, she was a statistic. Homicide number one of the year. Number one in his career as a detective in the Hudson, Massachusetts police department.



blah blah blah, back to business as usual. I also hate cliches like "flawless skin". Skin only looks flawless in photographs, movies or from far enough away to miss the details..unless you're under 12 years old. She might have been expertly made up to LOOK flawless but "flawless skin" ...nahhh.

This isn't crap but it's not going to keep me reading.

2 comments:

Bernita said...

No suspense here.
Miss Snark did it - with a poniard.

Douglas Hoffman said...

rosy-tipped breast

I take it this is a clever way of writing nipple? Well, that rosy color ain't so rosy in a dead body. Fans of this genre will notice such errors.