Is it Crap; Volunteer #2

"So here I am revving the engine of my brand new 1991 red Camaro. There's a freaking full moon lighting up the road and Doogie shoots off the starter flare." Daniel tossed back his whiskey, flipped his shaggy mop out of his eyes and shouted, "You sure you wanna hear this?" over the pulsating backbeat of the speakers.

Joseph peeled his elbow off the table and made a come-on motion. So far he'd paid for five shots and had yet to hear anything useful. Daniel waved at the child of a barmaid and Joseph mentally upped his tally to six when she showed a glitter of teeth in acknowledgement. Crap. You'd think sitting in the back would slow down service.

"Doogie was real smart. Get it? Doogie? He was going to go to college."

The Devil save him, not another side trip down this idiot's memory lane. Joseph dug out another twenty and put it on the table. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed through his mouth to avoid the worst of the cigarette stench. The old beer and stale sweat that permeated the place adhered to the back of his tongue.

"Hey, dude. You got a headache? You should try one of these." Daniel signaled the barmaid to bring two shots.

"Daniel. Daniel!" He looked up, blank. "Doogie shot the flare..." Joseph motioned for him to continue again.

"Oh! Yeah! So we both floor it, ya know. And right away I pull ahead. No neck-and-neck race for my new baby -- Whoa! Check out those hooters." Daniel's whole body turned to watch said hooters walk past on their way to the restroom.

This is really not crap.

Notice dear Snarklings how the action is upfront. Notice "glitter of teeth", a very nice visual. Notice that how Daniel talks - "Doogie" and "hooters"- tell us something about him without using exposition.

All in all, I'd not only read on, I'd stop doing six other things and really focus.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

*doing the Snoopy dance here* Thank you, Miss Snark. :)