Is it Crap...cover letters...#10 with a bullet

In 1994, being a cop in a dying New Hampshire mill town may as well mean
enforcing the law in 1974. Working-class families are just beginning to
recover from the 1990-91 recession, and police departments haven't yet begun
to reap the technological and personnel benefits of the Community Oriented
Policing Services Act. So, when a serial killer begins to target the
disillusioned teenaged girls in fictional Mapleton, NH, the police are
almost as limited as the citizens as they bear their fears, frustrations,
and failures.

Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. You know what's interesting? People. Action.
Describing the sociological situation of a fictional town in New Hampshire makes me want to reach for the gin bottle. (Well, a lot of things make me want to do that..but you get my drift).

BLOOD AND ROSES is the story of three law enforcement officers whose lives
go on, despite the chaos a serial murder case wreaks on themselves and their

here's your lead. Get rid of that crap in the first paragraph.
"Law enforcement officers" ...Cops
"whose lives go on"...well, ya. All of us have lives that go on unless we're the victims.
This is muddy thinking. It's muddy writing. Tell us very very clearly WHAT impact the serial murders have. Do they drink too much? Do they become workaholics? Scientologists?..or worse..literary agents?

Truman Johnson is the divorced father of two troubled teenage
daughters; how far will he go to ensure they don't become the next victims?

Richard Butkis knows the victims because of his work as the high
school resource officer, but will he stretch himself to the breaking point
between protecting his students and protecting his wife from her own threat?

Finally, Monroe Phelps is the detective assigned to work the case with
the NH State Police Major Crimes Unit. Is the state detective the right man
to help her repair her self confidence in time to solve the case?

I hear the theme music from As the World Turns here. So far you're asking us to care about people we don't know and who appear to be steeped in melodrama.

"her own threat"? that makes no sense. She's threatening herself? Is she on a ledge somewhere? Can I push her off?

"repair her self confidence" I'll fix her self confidence. I'll put her on the ledge with Mrs Phelps.

Go read some Alan Furst for a look at when things REALLY mattered. He writes about Europe at the start of the Second World War. He's crisp and clean and utterly brilliant.

Ultimately, BLOOD AND ROSES looks at the other side of a major case: the
personal stories the media wouldn't see, but which are nonetheless as
critical as cops' professional experiences in driving the choices they make
on the job.

Have you been under a rock? All we see is personal sides of cops in murder mysteries. I think Law and Order was an anomoly cause it DIDN"T show the personal sides.

I have worked as a freelance writer for the last four years, publishing over
100 articles on technology and related issues for law enforcement trade
magazines. BLOOD AND ROSES represents my first attempt to publish a novel.

Well, unless you intend to put a printing press in your basement you aren't ever going to publish a novel. You mean to say "this is my first novel". A publisher publishes. You write. I snark. If you want to be the publisher, you shouldn't be querying me.

I absolutely hate it with a passion when people say they want me to publish their novels. It makes me think they don't have a clue about who does what.

Is it small minded? Probably.

Lots of my snarks are small minded. That's cause I care about small details. I care about words and how they are used. If you don't, that's ok, but we ain't going to the dance together.


Anonymous said...

Wow, you were right, it *is* brutal!

But much needed and much appreciated for the one-of-a-kind opportunity it is. Thank you.

Miss Snark said...

Miss Snark is not called Miss Congeniality for a reason.
I salute your willingness to take a risk.

Anonymous said...

I would not have 100 articles published if I hadn't taken risks. It's business.

Are you accepting retries?

Miss Snark said...

Maybe later.
It's time to snark ahead with new targets.