Is It Crap..Round Deux...the cover letter-2

I am sending this query in regards to CITY OF ANGELS. It is a complete paranormal romance of 100,000 words set in present day Los Angeles.

in regards to? do you talk like that? I bet not.
How about "I'm querying about CITY OF ANGELS".

complete paranormal?
I bet you mean it's finished.

word count and location-good.

Kate Seymour leads a routine life. She gets up at dusk, gulps down a little blood then dashes off to work the night shift as a detective for the Los Angeles police department. Life holds little excitement, her job is routine and so is her boyfriend, but things change one dark dawn when she comes home to find a sexy vampire named Lucas reclining in her La-Z-Boy.

ok, I'm liking this. It's funny, it's off beat..

Lucas has chased the monster responsible for his wife and children's death for a thousand years. The man responsible for turning him from a king into a creature of the night has come to Los Angeles and Lucas is determined to destroy him. He requires Kate's assistance to finish the task. Complicating matters are his tender feelings for the auburn haired vampire, emotions that he cannot act upon.

Why can't he act on them? No Vampire Viagra prescription?
So far we've got Kate, and Lucas but nothing about the BAD GUY!!!
Unless you have no antagonist (a bad bad bad choice) you'll want to mention him! Evil is Enticing (Miss Snark has a tattoo that says so).

Although she is wildly attracted to the mysterious vampire, Kate notices the number of murders has increased since Lucas arrived in town. She suspects he is behind the crimes. Lucas must convince her that the vampire responsible for his own misery is the same one wrecking havoc now. They must learn to work together before it is too late and the world is destroyed by an evil not even a vampire can comprehend.

Ya ya ya...drink blood, unrequited love, save the world. What happened to the funny offbeat stuff?? You're going to need something more zippy to break out of the pack here.

CITY OF ANGELS placed second in the 2002 Winning Beginnings contest sponsored by the VFRW. I am a current member of Romance Writers of America. I graduated with Honors from UC-Santa Cruz with a degree in History. My article on research was included in the Writer Books current release, The Romance Writers Handbook. Currently, I am working on another paranormal romance.

The only thing worth mentioning here is that contest. All the other stuff is just filler.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

No in advance, I'm reading it now. Thank you for your time and consideration (and if you look under this query you'll see tomorrow's winning Lotto numbers) will do just fine.

All in all, not bad.
Those first pages need to be great.


Rene said...

I have a question. Is it necessary to mention the book is finished? Is stating the word count enough to indicate it is finished?

As to filler, when I first started working on my query letter, I was told it would be a good idea to mention I was working on another project. Do agents really care?

Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. Your comments are very helpful.

Miss Snark said...

Yes, you should say it is finished. For fiction and memoir you're going to have to cough up the whole book at the get go.

The second project thing gets various answers from various agents. I don't give a flying rodent hair since I can't sell #2 if I haven't sold #1.

It's not a deal breaker to mention a second project but when people start talking about their 13 finished novels I know with heartbreaking certainty that they are just vomiting words, not rewriting.

My diction today makes me think I must have eaten a bad clam.

Garcon! Bicarbonate!

Anonymous said...

oh no, miss snark, say it ain't so! you don't really have a tatoo that says "evil is enticing" do you? i don't wanna picture the lovely stiletto-heeled miss snark with no stinkin' tatoo!

Miss Snark said...

of course I do. So does Grandmother Snark. We got them on the same day. We shaved our heads and had them applied to our skulls.

Anonymous said...

"For fiction and memoir you're going to have to cough up the whole book at the get go."

I've heard agents swing both ways on the whole manuscript for memoirs. And why for memoirs and not narrative nonfiction? Particularly narrative nonfiction that partakes of the nonfiction novel form a la "In Cold Blood"?

I've also heard of rare cases of novels being sold on the basis of an unfinished mnauscript, e.g., Amy Tan "Joy Luck Club."

Miss Snark said...

If you are Truman Capote with a raft of publishing credentials AND in charge of the guest list to the Black and White Ball, you can get a contract if you just think you have a good idea. However that dear boy is dead. We're talking now about other voices, in other rooms.

Most of the folks at writing conferences, looking at the web sites, hanging out here at the Snarkosauriam are looking for ways to break IN.They are hoping to become established but they sure aren't there yet.

For those folks, editors want to make sure the book is written. It's hard to finish sometimes.

And what you think might be a great memoir, might be crap. Miss Snark wants to read it before she sells it. She's been burned. It's not something she needs to learn twice.

As for Joy Luck Club...well, if you write the first three chapters of that, let me know.