Miss Snark Runs #20 into the crapometer
There hadn't been a murder in Central City for years until that Sunday Maggie awoke me from a pleasant dream by flicking her tongue in my ear. I lifted my head from the pillow. Morning sunlight filtered through the fluttering curtains. I turned to kiss whatever part of her presented itself. My mouth tasted of the previous night's spaghetti and meatballs.
I mumbled "What time is it?"
"Almost seven," she said.
She dug an elbow into the mattress, propped her chin on her hand, and said, "What attracted you? Why are you still attracted? You are still attracted to me, aren't you?"
This is the murder right? He hauls off and wallops her??
Please say yes.
I stretched, settled back into a sleep position and mumbled "Are these trick questions?"
She flipped the sheet to the foot of the bed, tickled my bare chest with her hair, brushed her lips on my skin and said, "They are not trick questions."
I rubbed my nose into her shoulder and caught a whiff of apple shampoo. She had my attention. I slapped her sweet ass and said, "You're female."
I'm rubbing MY nose on the carpet under the bed looking for the proverbial blunt object! Why is she not dead yet??
"Yeah, I understand that part, but why me?"
that's kinda how I feel now too.
I sat up and pushed her head toward my groin. She dodged out of my grasp, laughed music into the room, a lonely place before her, and said, "C'mon, Nick. I'm serious."
She rested her head on my stomach and blew warm air toward my most sensitive area.
I caught my breath and said, "You had that all-knowing smile that suggested you knew I was intent on getting into your pants, so to speak, and yet you didn't pretend to be offended."
"Is that all?"
"Well, let's see. You remember last night before we went to sleep?"
She kissed my belly and said, "Of course."
I'm not sure what I hate more: someone asking why I am attracted to them or reading about someone asking it. It's the grown up version of "are we there yet".. and twice as annoying.
So, no matter how well you write, you've got a major strike against you here: I HATE this character. I'd probably read on to make sure she dies but if she isn't dead by page ten I'd say no, unwilling to risk the possibility she might be a major part of the story.
This is just a personal reaction, and there's no way to know ahead of time. Sometimes "it's not right for my list" means just that: this is not something I'd read.
If I could stop my hate on for Maggie, I'd notice you start right in, have dialogue and no backstory, all of which are good things. You just need to find someone who didn't mind Maggie.