8.31.2005

Snarklings Duel with the Snarkometer, Round 40



He was tall, massive really. From his shoulder-length blond hair and mirrored sunglasses to the heavy boots on his enormous feet, he looked dangerous. Black leather clothes fit like a second skin that emphasized every muscle. And there he stood, in the children's section of the Eden Park Public Library, as out of place as Gulliver in the land of Lilliput.


You don't need the Lilliput comparison. We get the joke just by what you've written. In fact, the Lilliput phrase undercuts the humor of what you've written.


Daisy Richards narrowed her eyes as the man pulled a battered copy of Where the Wild Things Are off a shelf. He rested an elbow on the top of the bookcase and thumbed through the pages. His expression softened. Even so, he still looked like he belonged in jail instead of perusing picture books in her library.


Same with "even so"


From the other side of the shelves came the sound of a scuffle, and then children's giggles. But the big man paid the disturbance no mind.

Daisy sighed. How irresponsible for parents to bring their offspring to the library and ignore them. He needed to control his children.

Instead, he threw his arms out wide. Puffing out his chest and tossing his head from side to side, he made a fearsome growl. His blond hair waved in a mane, and his muscles rippled as he lurched to the far side of the bookcase.

The kids shrieked with delight.

Daisy raised a hand to her pounding heart. She couldn't allow this disturbance to go on any longer. She glanced at the circulation desk, but James and Sally were nowhere to be seen.

"Why me?" she sighed. "Why is it always me?"


Mane, and rippling muscles are such cliches that it's impossible to read them without inserting a sardonic sneer. Perhaps you meant us to do that?

Daisy needs to get off her feet and swill a pail of gin. What a stick!

Of course I'd read on. Miss Snark is as fond of leather clad musclebound men as the next fair flower. Of course, I'd have to stick my stiletto heel in Daisy's corset to loosen her up a bit, but I bet that's what you've got in store for us don't you?

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I liked this one. I'd read on. The guy intrigues me.

Rhonda said...

I liked this one. Great intro scene, and I agree about the cuts Miss Snark suggested.

I'd love to see where this goes, too.

Bernita said...

Hmmm.
The library I go to allows children to giggle, has a children's corner to boot, and adults actually talk out loud.

Anonymous said...

I think the issue was she was afraid of this huge guy--possibly doing community service or something?--acting so wild and wasn't sure if he was going to read to the kids or slaughter them.

Diana said...

I like the Gulliver thing. Very "librarian" comparison to make.

Anonymous said...

I loved the Gulliver/Lilliput comparison. I thought it was very in character for Daisy. I liked this, and I'd certainly read more :)

Gina Black said...

A big thanks to Miss Snark and fellow Snarklings for the comments. Daisy does have a lot of loosening up coming her way. And the big guy? He's a professional wrestler (WWE style) who needs to learn how to read. Absolutely made for each other. :)

Edie Ramer said...

LOL, Gina, I recognized this right away! You got thumbs up from Miss Snark. Good going!

Lynne Connolly said...

Didn't I crit this once upon a time? I liked it then!