8.31.2005

Snarklings Take on the Snarkometer, #49



She didn't understand what was happening to her. All she knew was that today she'd woken up feeling completely different from any other day. She looked the same: same brown hair, same blue eyes, same small stature complete with way too many curves, but she didn't feel the
same. The day started normally. Her alarm woke her at the godawful hour of 6 AM. She opened her eyes, and paused. Something was different, but she couldn't place it. She tried to shake off the feeling, but it resisted. Resignedly, she decided to just ignore it and go about her normal daily routine.


This is all tell, no show. It's like reading a to do list for someone who writes down Get Up at 6am.


She dressed, checking to see if there was anything physically different. She was almost disappointed when she realized that everything was the same. The pimple she'd gotten yesterday was even still there on her cheek, reminding her that pressure causes things to
explode. She sighed, brushed her hair, did her makeup, and headed out to the kitchen. She was running late, as usual. She grabbed her SlimFast on her way out the door and headed towards her car. It was only when she'd gotten there that she realized she had left her purse inside the house. Luckily, she'd also forgotten to lock the house up. Annoyed at herself, she rushed inside, grabbed her purse and her keys, and headed back to her car.


Unless you've got an ax murderer in the next paragraph, I'm pretty much done at this point. You're not giving us anything to hook our interest.


Yet when she tried to get into her car, she was shocked to find that her knees wouldn't move the way they normally did. Thinking back to earlier that morning, she remembered that she'd had a little trouble getting dressed but had just written it off as not being awake yet. This was different, though. Her knees not only were stiff, they felt like there was an iron inside them, grilling them from the inside out.


Knee pain? You've got three long paragraphs and 300 words for knee pain?
This just doesn't cut the mustard. You need something much more riveting than this to catch and hold my interest.

1 comment:

Tania said...

I figured you'd say something like this. It's supposed to be a story about an otherwise healthy person who wakes up one day with rheumatoid arthritis. There's not a lot of stereotypical action, but there is a lot of pain, and turmoil, etc.

The first 200 words or so was me trying to set the stage so people would have some idea of who she was before the pain started.