Snarklings Take on the Snarkometer, #51
Eli Roper wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked at the figure in the back seat of his Piper. She was still lying down. Hadn't moved since he took off four hours ago, and hadn't moved, despite the bumpy touchdown, when they'd landed just now on the steaming Louisiana runway.
"Stacey. Sister Stacey? We're here."
She whimpered in response. A pitiful, mouse-like sound.
He unbuckled his seatbelt and looked across the tarmac. An old-model dodge van, dirty white, late 50's maybe, sat parked near the edge of the asphalt. Two men stood beside it: one calm, hands in pockets. No big deal, just picking up a new member. The other looked agitated: a prematurely bald man, maybe early 30's, long nose, nervous eyes. Mouth twitched: half smile, half grimace.
Eli climbed from the Piper and went around to the passenger side, unlatched the door.
The nervous man darted toward the plane. Ducked under the wing as if it were helicopter blades and he in danger of being decapitated. Blinked beady eyes at Eli. "She in there? Stacey? She's okay?"
Eli forced a vacant smile. "Flynn McGinn?"
The man nodded. Stuck his head halfway in the plane. "Stacey? Stacey, you in there?"
Another mouse-whimper from inside the Piper.
Flynn looked at Eli, unsure what to do.
Did ever a more unconfident man exist, wondered Eli? Gestured into the plane. "Go on, Flynn. She's not going to walk out."
Flynn slipped into the Piper like a cat into a crevice. Emerged a minute later, arms full. Almost tripped getting out of the plane. "She's, uh. Huh! She's awful light this time." Her head lolling against his arm. Him lumbering, the bulk of him, toward the van. "Thanks, Brother Eli." Over his shoulder, voice tattered. "Thank you. I --Well, thank you so much."
ok, color me confused. Do these guys know each other? Has this happened before? You've got clues that they do like "this time". But you've also got Eli looking at the van and the guys like he's never seen them before.
Also, men tend to call each other by their surnames. so "Go on McGinn" would be more natural.
I'd probably read on for the next couple pages to see what happens but this needs some work before I'd call it ready for Prime Time.