Snarklings versus the Snarkometer, #38
The feed store had always been one of Dani O'Hara's favorite hangouts. She loved the rich mixture of aromas coming from sacks of sweet mash and the fine leather tack lining the walls of the dilapidated old building. There was always coffee and free donuts if you got there early enough. Rays of sunlight that managed to pierce the grimy store front windows played in the fine dust that drifted around the fragrant interior.
blah blah blah. This is all pointless description. It has nothing to do with what follows.
She wasn't trying to hear the conversation of the men gathered near the coffee pot. But, she heard something that made her let go of the fancy bridle she had been looking at.
Your story starts here.
She gulped and immediately choked on her bite of donut. The men were discussing a subject she had majored in for a life time. Diego Varga.
"You remember Diego don't you Dani?"The owner of the establishment was grinning at her.
"The names familiar,"she mumbled over a choking gasp.
"of the establishment" is a stilted way of saying "of the feedstore"
and "mumbled over a choking gasp"? she could swallow her tongue too...really you only need mumble, or choke or gasp...certainly not all three.
Remember him? She couldn't remember not knowing Diego. He was the guy that had taught her to jump a horse over a fence, how to roll a cigarette, not to mention her first cuss word. Most of all, he was the guy that had taught her to love him.
No one had seemed to notice her wolfing down a second donut or the hard time she had swallowing that last bite. It wasn't the first time they'd seen her embarrass herself. She pretended to not hear when the owner of the store spoke to her loud enough for all to hear.
"Say, Dani. I saw Diego go in the bank a few minutes ago. If you hurry, you can catch up with him"
His comment brought a round of chuckles from his companions. Every one for five counties around knew she had adored Diego from the first moment her blue eyes had focused on his fabulous face. The teasing she had undergone was fun once, but now, it was embarrassing. These friendly and caring men couldn't begin to know how deeply Diego had hurt her when she was a wide-eyed seven-teen year old.
Romance is the biggest selling category of books bar none. Romance readers gobble up books at a rate that makes Miss Snark's abacus heart flutter.
Everyone talks about about romance novels like they're a piece of cake to dash off. Miss Snark scoffs at that. Romance is incredibly difficult to write well because you have to balance innocence and reality, plot with character, and most of all, you have to create people we like and want to hang out with.
This one just doesn't work for me because we see Dani acted upon, rather than taking action. Fragile flowers of submission heroines went the way of the dodo bird. Romance heroines today are cowgirls for sure, but they're not just standing in a feed store being teased, they're giving as good as they get. Give this girl some moxie!!
This is a pass.