8.31.2005

Snarkometer Smackdown #52



Kelly knew something was wrong even before her father had to swerve the car. She didn't know what made her look up, but she did, and from her seat behind her dad she could just see a black sedan with blacked-out windows cross the double yellow line and aim right for them.


If you've been reading the Snarkometer results for the past few days, you'll know I don't like to hear you tell me about something, I like you to SHOW me.

Your lead is: She saw a black sedan with blacked out windows cross the double yellow line and aim right for them.


Fear rushed her, freaking out her whole body. Her dad yanked the car hard to the right. Kelly felt her seat belt engage, locking her core in place, but her head and arms still flew.


You don't need to tell us "fear rushed her"...in fact Im not sure what fear rushed her means. Keep going with the ACTION ie "her dad yanked. Her set belt engaged. "


Lots of noise. Her book bag flying from her lap. A glimpse of the black car out the window, racing away. Silver stripe on the side. Or was that just sunshine reflecting off the paint?

The car tilted into a ditch. Her mother screamed. *Crash-crunch,* a rolling pukey feeling, and they jolted to a stop.

Kelly blinked slowly, heart still racing, and realized she wasn't hurt. Then she remembered her book bag -- and what she'd stashed in it before they left that morning.

DO NOT EVER OPEN.

Carved into the top of the old wooden cigar box, the words taunted Kelly from the footwell of the seat behind her mother. It had flown out the top of her half-zipped book bag. Glancing warily toward the front seat, she tried to reach it with her hand, then her foot, but her seat belt was still engaged.

"Oh my God," her mother said from the front passenger seat. She patted back her gray hair with a shaky, wrinkly hand and then turned to face Kelly, who instantly sat up straight. "Honey, are you all right?"

She rolled her eyes. "Mom, please, do not call me honey!"

"But you're all right?"

Kelly sighed. "Yes, I'm fine.


Truly, ONLY a 14 year old girl can sigh with such long suffering disdain when her mother calls her honey after a car accident.
I hope she's 14...if she's more than 16 I have to track her down and slap some sense into her.

You've got good action up front, some mystery, and a heroine who seems pretty real to me. I'd read on ..I want to know what's IN the box!

3 comments:

funkysmell said...

Nice blog.

www.funkysmell.com

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Miss Snark. I didn't realize I'd buried my lead, but in hindsight it seems so obvious.

BTW the "honey" thing is actually a reference to a plot point introduced on page 3. And yeah, she's 13.

Laraqua said...

I liked this too. I'd read on, even if it were in a genre like Young Adult that I rarely read in.