Snarkometer sucks up #19

Ascwellan let out a loud moan as he slapped a mosquito away from his neck. What had he done to deserve such a horrible fate? He'd been exiled to this dreadful forest all because of a stupid little death threat from a criminal organization. To think that he had to infiltrate the very organization that had threatened his life; it was disgraceful!

The Syndicate hadn't even had the decency to come right out and threaten to kill him. No, the Castle Spynet had just discovered the Syndicate's plan to murder him a few days ago. He still remembered that disgusting look on Besywran's ugly old face when the Spynet Chieftain had turned Ascwellan's own guards against him, and they had dragged him from his quarters to his mother's throne room -- bodily DRAGGED him! The nerve! Ascwellan would have that nasty old man executed as soon as he assumed command of the throne. Assuming he survived long enough to do so, of course.

A cloud of gnats swarmed around him. Ascwellan tried to slap the pests away, but it was to no avail. He was sweaty, his beige robe of royalty was torn up (he had absolutely refused to put on that repulsive, multi-colored commoner garb), and now these repugnant little bugs were accosting him! The forest was no place for a prince.

It's all tell, not show. It's all backstory. Your lead is " The forest was no place for a prince" and you've buried it at the bottom of the page.

As you've been seeing on previous posts I have an aversion to starting with back story and explanations. Gimme action Yer Highness!

It's not crap, but it just doesn't grab me so this is a pass.



Anders Bruce said...

Thanks for the review! I shall modify the first page so it shows rather than tells.

Rei said...

Also, see what Limyaael has to say about angst, especially starting your story with it.


"Oh, woe is me" is a bad way to start a book. It also encourages telling.