Miss Snark stayed late to finish this week's mail.
These are drawn from the actual slush pile.
5. "this can be marketed as either a screenplay or a novel." Yes, and this can be marketed as a poem or a novel, or a shovel or a sword. Cause yanno, they're really the same thing..just different.
4. "I have done a novel." Gee, and I thought I was kinky when I only slept with books.
3. "Dear Mr. Snark" Don't assume the gender of an agent is male even if the name LOOKS that way. Flip Brophy is a girl. So is Binky Urban. So is Miss Snark. If you can't figure that out from reading the web page, or googling, then, shit-for-brains, call the telephone number on the website and ask. Anything beats looking like a fucking misogynist who assumes the default setting is male. Besides, in publishing the default setting is female. It's a female dominated industry.
2. Include an IRC (international reply coupon) instead of a stamp. IRCs require a trip to the post office and standing in line to buy an 80cent stamp. Guess how much I refuse to do that. Bingo! 100%. I mail the stupid things back to you. Here's the scoop: buy stamps online or query people who take email queries. File this under subheading: read the damn guidelines on the website.
1. "since you can't be bothered to take email queries I'll kill a tree for you." First, your attitude sux. Second, unless you personally chopped down a tree don't assume any trees died for your paper needs. Most paper is made from recycled stuff these days. And third: get over yourself. If you don't like how I run my business...don't ask to do business with me. Fuckwit.