9.16.2005

FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO TO FUCK UP YOUR QUERY LETTER RIGHT NOW.

Miss Snark stayed late to finish this week's mail.
These are drawn from the actual slush pile.



5. "this can be marketed as either a screenplay or a novel." Yes, and this can be marketed as a poem or a novel, or a shovel or a sword. Cause yanno, they're really the same thing..just different.

4. "I have done a novel." Gee, and I thought I was kinky when I only slept with books.

3. "Dear Mr. Snark" Don't assume the gender of an agent is male even if the name LOOKS that way. Flip Brophy is a girl. So is Binky Urban. So is Miss Snark. If you can't figure that out from reading the web page, or googling, then, shit-for-brains, call the telephone number on the website and ask. Anything beats looking like a fucking misogynist who assumes the default setting is male. Besides, in publishing the default setting is female. It's a female dominated industry.


2. Include an IRC (international reply coupon) instead of a stamp. IRCs require a trip to the post office and standing in line to buy an 80cent stamp. Guess how much I refuse to do that. Bingo! 100%. I mail the stupid things back to you. Here's the scoop: buy stamps online or query people who take email queries. File this under subheading: read the damn guidelines on the website.

1. "since you can't be bothered to take email queries I'll kill a tree for you." First, your attitude sux. Second, unless you personally chopped down a tree don't assume any trees died for your paper needs. Most paper is made from recycled stuff these days. And third: get over yourself. If you don't like how I run my business...don't ask to do business with me. Fuckwit.

4 comments:

Existential Man said...

What with all this swearing and snarking people out by stomping T. Rexual heels into their faces, it is easy for shivering snarlings to get the idea that you are one tough bitch!

Perhaps they should know that you performed a small courtesy to me that you need not have bothered with. I complained by e-mail about not being able to post anonymously anymore and threatened to stop reading your blog...rather than tell me to fuck off, you kindly explained why you decided to stop anonymous comments...but further, you told me you would post any comments to the bolog I sent to you by e-mail, and, in fact, did post the one I had included with my note.

I don't think you know who I am, and I still don't know who you are. But you were willing to extend yourself so that I could continue to post on your site, even if I didn't want to sign up for a blog. I just wanted to give you a public thanks for your small thoughtfulness behind the scenes to balance the stiletto heel-in-your-face image.

kitty said...

My husband's name is female. A famous, husky-voiced actress has the same name. It's a dead giveaway when someone calls and asks for "her" that's it's a telemarketer. I never correct them. "I'm sorry, she's not at home now."

Amie Stuart said...

I've heard of people having trouble getting stamps online so another thought is, if you have a friend in US, ask them to send you stamps and you can reimburse them through an online payment place like Paypal. =)

Bernita said...

There's always philatelic stores and collections....