A Snarkling is turning into a raw nerve right in front of our very eyes...
Dear Miss Snark,I did not write a cover letter like that. I promise. However, I committed several faux pas in a recent submission of a requested manuscript to my dream agent. I am writing to ask if it is doomed: 1. I sent it by FedEx; then read in the new Writers Digest that this is annoying to agents because they must remove their stilettos from their desks and go to sign for the package. Although the envelope I sent bears the signatory of the front desk receptionist. 2.I neglected to enclose a SASE. This is my first submission. I am jelly. I jiggled for three days after realizing this mistake. Then I fired off a letter with an SASE, explaining that I understood it was unlikely that it would ever be united with the original submission, but wanted to make an attempt nonetheless. 3.Even after this untimely missive, I STILL neglected to inform the agent that she could feel free to recycle the manuscript if it was not for her. Is this Snarkling crushed dust beneath the agent's heels for accidentally becoming high maintenance?
First, what's the plural of faux pas? Fox paws? Fox Network News? ..but I digress...
Snarkling dear one, your work was requested. That moves you out of the Sudden Death round, and into the more forgiving, "Try Not to Fuck Up Too Badly" category.
If you just-must-gotta send something expedited, Fed Ex and UPS are the best choices cause if I'm down at the local pool hall playing snooker with Snookums instead of poised at my desk for mail call, UPS and Fed Ex will come back the next day. The Post Office makes you come play fetch. Miss Snark does not play fetch. Roll over and play dead..well..never you mind bucko.
You sent the SASE eventually. They will find each other in the stacks. True love happens in Miss Snark's slush pile all the time. I think they breed little letters which is why I never quite get finished with the pile.
And we can figure out if you send a #10 SASE you don't want the manuscript back.
Quit worrying. Go write something. Better yet, go read something fabulous.
I just finished Made in Detroit. If you think no one could combine Faulkner, Coleman Young and the Catholic Church in the same book and have each shed light on the other: read this. I dare you. Author: Paul Clemens. Agent: Not Miss Snark. Hardcover from Doubleday. Get it at the library.