11.12.2005

Gettin' stoned...ya baby

As I recover my wits from a wild week among the criminally inclined, I seek solace in the weblogs of my colleagues.

Sadly, those imps over at Rake felt compelled to post this

Miss Snark had to buy an entire new bottle of gin after reading it.
Medicinal purposes.

Word of warning: put DOWN the coffee, and put a terry cloth towel on your chair before you click.

There really ARE some things that should be illegal. This is one of them.

32 comments:

Ric said...

In hardcover, no less.

Really does make it hard to keep trying.... She even got a Leno gig and he doesn't do many authors anymore. (oh, wait, I didn't put those two in the same sentence, did I?)

Did anyone proofread this?

Thanks for the laugh.

Harry Connolly said...

That link has too many "http"s in it.

Here's one that works a bit better:

http://www.harpercollins.com/global_scripts/product_catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=0060820489&tc=cx

harridan said...

Dear Miss Snark,

Yes you warned us about the link you posted, but DANG!

You've done this before, sending your snarklings into fits. Don't you lubs us?

Oh the pain, the pain!

Fran said...

Omigod...that's such an emetic. The contents, the tensing, the voice--nearly everything in the excerpt is either done ridiculously, incorrectly or both.

I didn't need to read that, especially today. I'm adding HarperCollins to my Universal Studios boycott.

tremblor said...

After reading that... I'm going to the fridge for a beer...

...maybe ten.

Caryn said...

Please, please, PLEASE tell me this is a joke. This writing was painful to read. I'll have to show it to everybody...

Yzabel said...

Alright, this was painful. I can't even invoke my status of foreign reader, that grants me the right to have no clue about style and writing. In fact, I barely managed to read it until the end.

Bernita said...

Fits with a cartoon today in my morning paper.
Mind reader says she's leaving LA - no work.

LargeCrepe said...

"It hooked me like rusty saftey pin in the gonads..."

"It was like the neighbours dog that barked its way through Sunday night..I couldn't put it down"

LargeCrepe said...

"It helped me find the deeper meaning to existance on our planet" - P. Hilton

LargeCrepe said...

"two thumbs right up"

the chocolatier said...

All I have to say is that it's a good thing that the publisher specifies that is indeed 'A Novel' or I might not have realised.

the chocolatier said...

Now that I've finished being sick, I wonder if it's possible to sue a publisher for giving you book-poisoning?

Jillian said...

chocolatier -- I didn't realize it was a novel until I got to the end. I thought I was reading a poorly written blurb about a book. Or a semi-literate Amazon book review.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

OMG...the best two words were 'threw up'....cause that's what I wanted to do.

You work your butt off trying to be a writer, a good writer, good enough to get published and then (insert the soundtrack from Jaws here)this drivel gets front and center billing from Harper.....oh, never mind. Forget the coffee, I think I need a bottle of gin....and I don't even drink!

Sherryl said...

I have students who write like this and I fail them.

Miss Snark said...

uh oh, Miss Snark is going to hell in a handbasket for making Bonnie turn to demon rum. It better be a Prada handbasket or I'm NOT going.

emeraldcite said...

On the bright side, we don't have to call her an author. She didn't write it, they paid someone else to...

Of course, what does that say about the smoe they hired.

Hope s/he was paid well. How would you like that crud on your resume?

Candice Gilmer said...

I'm scared.

Really.

I feel lunch and dinner coming back...


And you're right Bonnie... You do work hard, follow all the rules, and then stuff like this comes out.. and you know it'll be a best seller. That's the really scary part.

Makes me want to cry. Or go on a bender. (course, what good would that do, I"m not famous)

Breathe said...

This was actually published? I couldn't even read it, but then again I can't watch reality TV either.

Dave Kuzminski said...

What is she trying to do? Edge out Atlanta Nights?

Bethany said...

You know, I'd thought nothing could be worse than Atlanta Nights, but this proves me wrong. At least AN gave me a lot of good laughs. All I have to say about this is:

*yark*

lady t said...

I actually saw that book in a store(not mine,yet*shudder*)but didn't touch it since I left my Hazmat suit home.

Desperate Writer said...

Nicole Richie? *bang bang bang* goes my head on the desk.

AmeliaBee said...

I saw this at the bookstore today. It has at least 5 glossy pages of photos near the end. From the skimming I did it seems that Ms. Richie is a character in the novel as well.

kitty said...

It's possible that most of the people who read this book usually, y'know, don't read books. Like why read a book if y'don't have to, y'know?

Kate R said...

okay... here's a real problem: I liked some of the writing.

I laughed at this line: "At Mode, people acted up, hooked up, and threw up, and the paparazzi stood outside to shoot the stars as they went in looking fabulous and staggered out totally gone."

I'm sorry--but mostly for myself. Obviously I need to get out more or consume less junk food. Anyone have any suggestions about what I should be reading to regain some taste?

Kate R said...

ps. No need to send a hit-squad to my house--I'm not going to buy the thing.

Bunneh said...

Oh, sweet holy mother of Bombay Sapphire, THIS got PUBLISHED?

I want to cry. I really, really want to cry.

Just goes to show: It's not what you know, it's who you know and what you are. And if you're Nicole Richie, it doesn't matter if you write at an eighth-grade level, because you're Nicole Richie, and you're famous for... uh... for...

What, exactly, IS she famous for?

Honestly, if I wanted to read tripe of this caliber, I'd read fanfiction. At least it's awful and free.

~~Olivia said...

I skipped every other sentence. Did I miss anything?

I think her writing goes against every rule in the book. barf

brainlesionssuck said...

I'm looking around my family room to see if hidden cameras have been installed...this must be a joke. Marketing or not, where's the self-respect? Prickly reading.
Kathie at Housewifecafe.com

C4 said...

Will the release of Nicole Richie's book affect Miss Snark's slush pile? I suspect that some Richie readers will say, "Wow! I've never read a novel in my life, but this is great! I can do this!" And without ever reading another novel, they'll proceed to produce their own tome. Still more Richie readers will say, "If Nicole Richie can write a book and get published, so can I!"

First, laptop sales will increase. Then, a run on printer cartridges. The capacity of post offices throughout the country will be put to the test. And finally, Miss Snark will have to spend many gin-soaked weeks wading through Richiesque manuscripts. I suspect Pamela Anderson had the same effect? Do you send HC a thank-you note?