#73 Crapometer

Hell's Bells

genre: Fantasy

The great gates of hell are guarded by the most ferocious of beasts and only open one way, down. Except for every full cycle, on the fourth bell of the full moon that sounds throughout the spiritual plain, when the gates of heaven and hell are opened wide to bring back lost souls, and those on the run.


Alexander is Hell’s most beautiful assassin. Lucifer himself adores Alexander above any other--a fact that doesn’t set well with Alex’s fellow demons. Alex is passionate in his discontent with life, and all that hell can offer is not enough for even its most treasured spirit. As the first bell rings, signaling a new cycle in hell’s domain, Alex’s ambitions fire
into action, and in a pique of angst he crashes through the gates of hell, battles the hounds, and heads to the surface above. He only has three more bells to find his peace before Satan is freed once more to round up his minions gone awry. So what happens when a brooding dark Lord from hell sets out on his own to find a life above ground? All hell breaks loose.

pique of angst?

Alexander is overwhelmed by his experiences on the surface. He must quickly find his equilibrium in order to prepare for the demons Lucifer is sure to send after him. Doing his best to blend, and that’s not easy for a winged assassin, he blends into life on earth until a particularly vicious battle in the park leaves him beaten and bloody on the ground at the feet of a perky young born again Christian named Christine who is sure she’s found a brave angel of God who’s just defeated a demon from hell. Well, she is part right.

Christine is forced into the most painful decision of her young life, caste (you mean cast. Caste is like a category) away the demon from hell, or help him defeat the devil, and possibly lose her soul in the process.

She hides Alexander in her apartment until her damnably atheistic boyfriend pounds on her door. Try as she might, she’s never been able to save Michael’s soul.

I don’t know many born again Christian girls with atheistic boyfriends.

Michael Dugan has had a rough few days as chief homicide investigator in the once sleepy small town of Havenhill. His desk has been littered with missing persons, ravaged bodies, and Equiresque pictures of a strange man with enormous wings, obviously the reporters in the dull town had begun to get creative in their search for excitement. If that weren’t enough, he is currently frustrated by his girlfriend’s sudden disappearance. When Alexander opens the door to Christine’s home, Michael is not amused. He becomes determined to track down the background of the stranger that has stolen his girl. What he finds shakes his atheistic body to the core.

bodies aren’t atheistic. Atheism is a belief. You don’t have atheist toes.

The trio find themselves face-to-face in a battle of souls between heaven and hell, with Alexander in between. When Lucifer unleashes his fury, and Armageddon begins, its Christine’s faith that gives them strength, Michael’s investigative prowess that finds the weakness in Satan’s plan, and Alexander’s power that win the fight leaving Satan beaten back, Alexander a true angel of God, and Christine and Michael in a more powerful relationship that will last until the end—which is coming sooner than they think.

Hell’s Bells is part one of a planned trilogy that will give new definition to the relationship between heaven and hell, and just where earth stands between them.

uh..the earth stands between heaven and hell. This is a tautology.

You might have a good novel tucked away here but this synopsis is a slew of feverish description that doesn't really say very much. If you give us a paragraph on each of the main characters, then give us the highlights of what happens and what’s at stake, it will work better. Less is more here.


Anonymous said...

Any true 'born again Christian girl' would know she can't save anyone's soul. According to the New Testament, that job belongs to Jesus.

Bernita said...

Potential for some great puns.
The idea of the Devil having a main squeeze sounds like fun.

Anonymous said...

I have atheist earlobes. My toes are Jewish. Luckily they're separated by my agnostic breasts and Protestant bellybutton (don't get me started on my Baptist elbows, though...ever tried to drink a beer when your arms won't bend?).

Bonnie S. Calhoun said...

"bring back lost souls"??

"battle the hounds"?? What--Of hell?

"all that hell can offer"??? What do you think it is McDonald's?

"before satan is FREED"???

"winged assassin"?? enormous wings at that??? Somebody's been watching too much TV!

"save Michael's soul"?? Only God can save souls!!

"Alexander is a true angel of God" I'm sorry for the language, but I've got to say...WTF?? A secret agent Angel!!

And last but not least, what kind of powerful relationship? Michael isn't 'saved' yet!!

Miss Snark, I think somebody's pulling your leg. This 'theology' is so screwed up that no Christian publisher would touch it...and no secular publisher would look at it because of the overt--I shudder to say--religion!!!

Anonymous said...

Bonnie, I believe this title sold to a publisher (in a less than a week) as part of a three book deal.

Anonymous said...

Bonnie, I believe this title sold to a publisher (in less than a week) as part of a three book deal.

otto said...

It sort of reminded me of that series that was on TV, the Scotsman and a foe who came back from the past to continue battle. I sort of liked the idea of this, mostly because it was so different than the vast majority of the others.

Sarah said...

Same title, different book -- the one that sold features a succubus on the run.

Bonnie S. Calhoun said...

Who's the publisher? I have a bridge to sell them!

Like I said, this is somebody trying to pull Miss Snark's leg...or Killer Yapps!

Shame on you for taking time and space from Miss Snark who is trying to help the UNpublished get a shot!

Anonymous said...

It's hard to disagree with you, your snarkiness, especially on your own blog, but I thought the idea was great. I liked the synopsis. I thought it told a great story.

The last section lost me a bit, with all the 'faith' stuff. I think the story would've worked better in a different place, where heaven and hell and Satan and God were called different things. I think then the book would have appealed to a a larger audience. Some people (me) shy away from a christian-centric books.

Jo Bourne said...

I got two possible issues here ...

The first is a mere niggle, but puzzling.

If Alexander has been flitting around town on giant hades-style bat wings as per the series of photos,
when Alexander opens the door,
doesn't Michael ...notice them?

The second problem is one of balance.

The emotional issue at the core of the story can't be overshadowed by the poignancy, horror, sadness or whatever of other events.

Rick and Ilsa love passionately in the shadow of war, but their war is distant, not heaping bodies up in front of Rick's Cafe.

I see a bit of a challenge, making the relationship between Christine and Michael feel important with Armmageddon breaking out all over.

Tami P said...

Thanks everybody (well mostly everybody, lol) for the great comments.

Bonnie, chill out, nobody is trying to pull Ms. Snark's legs, especially not me, I'm not into that.

This book is for real, and I believe in it. My synops always suck. LOL, but I'm working on it.

I do have to admit that the comment about this three book deal selling to a publisher in a week, made me first wonder where the check went, and then kinda gave me chills. :)

Thanks for the tips, oh wonderful one. I appreciate your time, and the time it took to do all of the synopsis' you have. I've learned something from all of them.

Yours humbly,
Miss Write

Tami P said...

just a little side comment to moi: You mentioned you thought it would work better in a different 'place' where heaven and hell and their 'characters' were called different things:

Believe me, this is heaven and hell like you've never seen them before. :) (Hey, maybe a new opening line for the synopsis!) :)

Jan said...

Misswrite - I absolutely love your story idea. I wouldn't worry too much about Bonnie's comments. There are many different kinds of Christians who believe many different things. I think the ideas in your book just don't fit in with what Bonnie has been taught to believe.
Good luck to you. When your book is published, I will definitely be buying :)

Jan said...

Oh, one more thing.
Bonnie - i think you must have missed that the genre of Misswrite's novel is fantasy.
I'm not trying to be rude. I just get annoyed when people criticise other people for not sharing their religious beliefs.

"And last but not least, what kind of powerful relationship? Michael isn't 'saved' yet!!"

That line really made me kinda mad. Do you really believe that only people who are saved can have powerful relationships?
Maybe YOU could only have a powerful relationship with someone who was saved. But everyone is not you. And Misswrite's characters are most certainly not you.

The point of the Crap-O-Meter is not to criticize someone's ideas. And you acting like it was a joke just because it didn't adhere to your personal beliefs, well, quite frankly that disgusts me.

I have always enjoyed reading your comments Bonnie, but I never realized you were so judgmental and intolerant.

Lynn Raye Harris said...

I'd read it. You should believe in your work, Miss Write, because that's how you get published. :) Believe in it and write it and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Because there's a darned good chance that someone will love it. I think you should listen to Miss Snark's suggestions, but I also think you've got an interesting premise here. As a former Baptist and current Episcopalian, I am not offended at all. You go, girl. :)

Lynn Raye Harris said...

Hey, Bernita, did you ever see the South Park where Saddam Hussein is Satan's main squeeze? That was funny. It might have been the movie, come to think of it. I'm not a big fan, but I have a husband and, well, you know. Men. Or some of 'em anyway. :)

Tami P said...

Thank you Jan, and Lynn.

Oh, by the way, all of you that are protesting the premise of this novel for it's religious tone...

please, when this novel is published (and it will be, I'm sure of it)... do me a favor:

KEEP IT UP... that controversy will fuel the sales into the Times Best Seller list in no time flat!

Thank you ever so much. :)

Miss Write