12.09.2005

Contest Results and We Have A Winner!!

Category: Best Disqualification for Verbosity
Clooney broke down. "No. I hid the ring her gin pail, and her poodle, Killer Yapp, swallowed it as he gnawed on the leftover ice." Both agent and star await the proof of his affection.

Category: Best Entry Calling Miss Snark a Horse’s Ass
she battled her big brown eyes, shook her massive head no, turned around and vanished into the sunset swishing her tail behind her.


Category: Best Use of Canine Characters
Miss Snark said, "Do you think I am filling this Jacuzzi with gin to bathe Killer Yapp?"

Miss Snark’s spokesperson, Killer Yapp, denied pregnancy rumors, but confirmed both the engagement and the incident of the pot-bellied pig and the gin pail

he lowered his voice and smiled. "My Tango's loaded with Bombay Sapphire...and a T-bone for Killer Yapp, to keep him busy while we...celebrate."


the proposal of a lifetime, Miss Snark was tragically unavailable. The only response was from someone calling himself Killer Yapp, who said "Bite me."


Category: Best Entry From A Clearly Demented Snarkling
She reportedly told Georgie that the diamond "needed work" and she'd send him a "revision request" once she got back into the office.

Category: Best Integration of Diamonds
she replied, "Alas, it's something I can't discuss." Rumor has it Snark suffered an emotional break-down herself following publication of Nicole Ritchie's trashy novel.

Category: Best Use of Medicinal Liquids
Snark replied, "I adore George, but Killer Yapp discovered George prefers bourbon. Torrid affair? Certainement. A lifetime with a man who doesn't drink gin? Impossible!"

Category: Best Use of Nitwit
Miss Snark shook two pleading writers off her slim ankles, flashed the diamond, and declared the reporter "nitwit of the day" for asking the question.

the actor said she was very polite, telling him that he had some
original lines, but that the bribery attempt marked him as a nitwit.




Category: Best Use of Rules for Submission
Clooney sighed. "She said I had to prove my love by reading her entire slush pile. I love her, but I can't handle that!"

Mr. Clooney was curiously mum. Later reports revealed that he'd forgotten to include an SASE, and therefore never received an answer.

he said his proposal was accidentally delivered to a "C. Rapometer," who wrote back,
"Show, don't tell."
"Next time," said Clooney, "I'm using registered mail."


he sighed. "Not yet. I gave it to her with the beginning of my novel rolled inside it. She's asked me to revise and resubmit."



And the winner WAS, until I checked the word count
Miss Snark screamed "Hurray!"
Hauled out the Tanqueray.
Said, "Dearie,
that is what I call a query."
Later, caused a flap;
best man was Killer Yapp


So the Winner is:
When asked if she accepted, Clooney lamented, "I never should have opened my proposal with 'Dear Agent.'

22 comments:

M. G. Tarquini said...

Whoever the winner is deserves it. Man! That is funny!

Are we gonna find out what the prize is/was/will be?

Ballpoint Wren said...

I want to know how many people entered!

Rick said...

Those are all brilliant! Man, 25 words is not my forte.

Ric said...

It is highly gratifying to be in the esteemed company of a clearly demented and hilarious murder of Snarklings.

kitty said...

WOW! Those were fantastic!

How many entries did you receive?

Koala said...

Some very cool entries there; love it!

Feisty said...

Very interesting stuff. When's the next contest?

Bonnie Calhoun said...

The winner was great!

What was the prize? Geez, I hope you're not sending them a gin pail!

Miss Snark said...

No gin pails!
A book of course!
The Illustrated Strunk and White.

There were about 100 entries from 88 people. Some people entered more than once, and some people were disqualified for verbiage but re-submitted, so it was hard to keep an accurate count.

It was fun wasn't it!!!

Mad Scientist Matt said...

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that last one!

Brady Westwater said...

Hey - I LOVED my horse!

Ballpoint Wren said...

This was my favorite:

Miss Snark said, "Do you think I am filling this Jacuzzi with gin to bathe Killer Yapp?"

You've got to love a gin-fizz jacuzzi.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Cool...I already have a Strunk and White!

That was great!

The depravity and creativity of this group is phenomenal.

I'm proud to be a part of this illustrious cortege!

Anonymous said...

Thank god I drank (heavily) before reading the results.

harridan said...

Bravo to everyone! What a twisted bunch.

And I found the contest to be a great followup to an earlier discussion. Specifically, the one regarding the number of basic story premises a writer has to choose from.

No final number was agreed upon, but everyone had the understanding that there are no "new" premises. Therefore, our job as writers is to take a basic and put our own personal spin on it. As Miss Snark has said, it's all in the execution.

Here we were all given the same storyline and some rudimentary background information about the cast of characters. Then we were set loose to spin at will.

Isn't it amazing to see how everyone's own unique "voice" took over. Sure, some people went on parrallel paths, but that's to be expected when you only have 25 words to deal with. LOL

Again, bravo to all!

Bernita said...

The winner is truly the winner!

kitty said...

A good "bumper-sticker it!" lesson :-)

Feisty said...

What exactly is a gin pail? I'm picturing a big (5 gallon) galvanized steel pail, the kind you store dog food in and I always picture it on Miss Snark's head. I don't know why.

And 5 gallons of gin is a lot of gin.

Can someone please correct this image?

Rhonda Stapleton said...

Those are hilarious - bravo to the winner and the honorable mentions!

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Feisty, I picture the gin pail as one of those silver plated, gold filigree, diamond encrusted handle jobs that you use to chill a bottle of champagne.

Susanne said...

No doubt about it. You picked the right one.

George Clooney said...

Good riddance, 2005. First I failed to win her hand in marriage. Then I failed to win this contest.