Crapometer #2

Genre: Dark Fantasy

Talon’s life is anything but ordinary even before that fateful night. He never knew his mother; she succumbed to the endless sleep while he was still fresh from the womb. (oh, ok, she died) At the age of two, he takes part in the massive migration known as the Trail of Tears. His father could not survive the journey to the Indian Territory. The government rips him from his Talwa and places him in the Spencer Academy for boys. He is nearly fifteen before he finds the courage to make his way home.

Life in the village will produce its own surprises. He discovers the power of the Orenda, the life force that binds all living things. Under the direction of a tribal elder, he learns to manipulate this force to alter his shape.

A new arrival to the Talwa captures his attentions at first sight. Selu becomes the love of his life. For the first time in his short existence, he truly knows happiness. (He’s fifteen, and having sex, of course she’s the love of his life...unless of course there’s something you haven’t mentioned here)

On a hunting excursion in the Sansbois Mountains, a storm forces him and his friends to seek shelter in a cave. They are surprised to find that they are not alone in the cave’s murky depths.

Niccolo Rasetti offers Talon the dark gift of eternal life. Talon accepts (ok, you’ve just bypassed the KEY MOMENT of why would he accept) and reluctantly embraces the thrill of the hunt. He discovers that as he feeds from his victims he is privy to the memories that made his victims who they were, reliving their accomplishments and failures as if he were actually there. (This phenomenon occurs with every feeding, of which there are plenty of examples throughout the book. I will only mention it once here for the sake of brevity, but rest assured these vampires do hunt.)

Talon’s only regret is not having Selu at his side, but a chance encounter would change ('changes'-you want to keep a synopsis in present or past tense usually) that. He learns that a group of slave traders destroyed his Talwa and took her captive. He exacts his revenge on the scoundrels before freeing his soul mate. He offers her an opportunity to share his love until the end of time, but she cannot accept; her heart is shared with another…their son. He was conceived the day that Talon began his trek to the Sansbois. She sets off to find their son, who has been taken in by the Freemans, an African American family making a fresh start in Guthrie.

Nick (who the hell is Nick? Do you mean the character that you refer to as Niccolo Rasetti above?) hunts down Selu and convinces her that if she doesn’t return to Talon, he will loose (lose) his will to live. (so what? he left her alone with a kid, she probably doesn't care) Nick transforms her and sets out to rescue Talon from the mire of depression that engulfs him. Together, they hunt, laugh and live a life to be envied.

So, Nick persuades her to leave her son but Talon couldn’t? How does he manage that?

The Rasetti clan (there’s a clan?) follows three women that are making their way along the riverbank, thankful that the gods have provided them with such an easy meal. Curiosity overcomes hunger as they lay (lie) in wait to see what events transpire. They are shocked to discover that the reason that these women searched for seclusion was to enjoy each other’s feminine wiles. The revelry is cut short when their true intentions are uncovered. Liza and Nichole (who??) want more from their new friend than her affections; they want her life. The trio of vampires decides to intervene. There is no need to allow these killers to waste a good meal. During the confrontation, Liza and Nichole reveal that they are not human. Selu whisks Sarah (who?) away to a safer place to feed as Nick and Talon battle the Torimors (who?)

Sarah convinces Selu to set her free. Setting the stage for a friendship that will span the years. It is a friendship that she must keep secret, fearing the consequences of its intimate nature.

The night finally arrives when Selu decides she must tell Talon and Nick about Sarah. Their discussion is interrupted by a mental plea for help from Nick. He is being attacked by the Yunwi’ Djunsti or little people of Native American myth. Talon and Selu hastily make their way to the scene of the battle only to find a blood soaked glade with no signs of Nick.

Nick has been taken by the Utiselo, the mother of the Yunwi’. She wants him to sire an immortal army to protect her woods from the ever advancing settlers.

The Freeman’s are killed in a senseless act of violence perpetrated by narrow-minded racists. (yea, those liberal minded racists only commit sensible acts of violence) Talon and Selu avenge their deaths but can find no comfort from the act.

Their son, Chiaha announces that he must travel to Italy to ask the father of his prospective bride to be for her hand in marriage. Talon, Selu and Sarah take the opportunity to explore the city of Palermo. They encounter an Ancient named Asherah. A confrontation ensues and they think their end has come, but at the mention of their maker, Asherah’s attitude towards them changes.

Asherah enlightens them as to Nick’s role in the formation of the modern Vampire Nation, where his is known as the Butcher of Sangucina. They learn a great deal about the history of the vampire from their brethren before they return to the Indian Territory, but return they must; the Plains will always be their home.

So, not only do aliens arrive in chapter 14, they are lesbians. And they prefer Oklahoma to Italy.

You've got characters dropped into the synopsis with no connection to what came before. You need to give us some reference points for characters so we see how they fit into the story. A synopsis shows how the pieces of a story link or connect. It's not just a chronology.

Lots of fantasy novels are big ass books, over 100,000 words. An enticing synopsis is a must; no agent or editor is going to read 100K words if they synopis is a mess. This one is a mess.


Anonymous said...

Crapometer synopsis #2 (12/26/05)

Blood-curdling scream! Your moccasins are treading in deep deer droppings with this vampire tale.

The Indian Removal Act of 1830 (Cherokee Trail of Tears) is to the not-so-primitive Five Civilized Tribes as the Holocaust is to Jews. Also, your spelling is off on the San Bois Mountains, as well as your history: Guthrie was founded during the Land Run of 1889. (That makes a 59-year leap in your story -- your main character isn't that old.)

Check your facts and try not to insult Native Americans on your rewrite if you want to sell books in Oklahoma!


Anonymous said...

I meant the "Sans Bois" mountain range is two words, not a single run-on word; ironically, for the French-speaking crowd, the mountains are heavily forested (and mere ripples in the earth if you've ever seen the Rockies!). The Choctaw Nation -- one of the Five Civilized Tribes -- lives in this area of southeastern Oklahoma.


Anonymous said...

As an Eastern Band Cherokee, let me just say: Rethink this. Please.


Anonymous said...

Just a couple of quick thoughts. Though I appreciate your concerns, as Miss Snark has already pointed out this Synopsis is a mess. To that end, I was not able to convey the timeline properly or the significance of The Trail of Tears, which for my tribe began in 1838 and lasted through the bitter winter and well into 1839.

As for the Sans Bois vs. Sansbois. I used maps from the Sapulpa Library for Oklahoma during the 1800s. All four of which showed it as one word. When I googled it I found it used as both one and two words. I flipped a coin and went with the old maps.

Looking back through my notes on timeline, I'm not sure where strayed. I have 1889 wrote beside the founding of Guthrie, but I put them there before hand. Thanks for the catch.
Yes, I am half Cherokee (I have both the white CDIB and the Blue card). Yes, I used the event in the book, but I painted it as the atrocity that it truly was. I will do my best not to insult my tribe on the rewrite.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments on this disaster of a synopsis.

Anonymous said...

Uh--"Nick" the vampire was the hero in the TV series "Forever Knight." He was pretty dang hot, too.

An episode of said series also used the device of blood conveying memory and skills of the suck-ee to toothy tipplers.

The writer's history is laughable. The plot is as tightly organized as a 60's potfest. I'd send this one to the shredder.

Miss Snark, you have my boundless respect for digging through all this stuff.

In humble awe, another editor