Happy New Year to one and all!
You enrich and enlighten me with your comments and contributions. You amaze and delight me with your wit and knowledge. It's my great pleasure to be in your company.
I hope 2006 is a fabulous year for you!
12.31.2005
Are You For Real?
Very early in the life of this blog, there were several people who doubted Miss Snark was "real". I had some good laughs about that. However, it has now come to my attention there is another doubter in our midst: Blogspot!
Starting yesterday I got error messages on my posts telling me to contact blogger support.
Dutifully I did, but of course, it's Friday, no one's home, and besides, the posts were going through, no problemo. I hunted around a bit to see if the terms of service said anything about too much bandwidth, given the VAST amount of space I was taking up with this synopses workout.
In my hunt, I came across the archive setting and changed it to weekly, figuring that way the "current" blog would be cut in half at least.
When I did that, word verification appeared on my POSTS! Not comments, the actual posts.
My theory is that blogger automatically turns that on if you post too much. Given I've done between 15-20 posts a day for a week, you'd think it would have kicked in sooner!
The error messages went away, the posts go through, alls well that ends well, but oh boy, was I laughing at the idea that even Blogger thinks Miss Snark might not be "real".
Starting yesterday I got error messages on my posts telling me to contact blogger support.
Dutifully I did, but of course, it's Friday, no one's home, and besides, the posts were going through, no problemo. I hunted around a bit to see if the terms of service said anything about too much bandwidth, given the VAST amount of space I was taking up with this synopses workout.
In my hunt, I came across the archive setting and changed it to weekly, figuring that way the "current" blog would be cut in half at least.
When I did that, word verification appeared on my POSTS! Not comments, the actual posts.
My theory is that blogger automatically turns that on if you post too much. Given I've done between 15-20 posts a day for a week, you'd think it would have kicked in sooner!
The error messages went away, the posts go through, alls well that ends well, but oh boy, was I laughing at the idea that even Blogger thinks Miss Snark might not be "real".
#80 Crapometer
Mystery
Prudence Peters has spent thirty years in the travel business and the last twenty-three as a leisure travel agent and manager for a national agency. She is a single woman, just turned fifty, extremely well traveled, long-divorced homeowner, who is used to taking care of herself as long as she stays employed.
The industry has been in slow decline because of the Internet for years and now seems on the brink of a major crash. Her week from hell begins on a Monday morning conference call with her State supervisor, Claudia Gage, demoting all five managers in the state of Oregon. If that isn't bad enough, one of the five offices will be closed down completely and the remaining offices will have to layoff one agent each. It is also the week for agent reviews, and later that day Claudia arrives with the additional bad news for Pru that her job is up for grabs. Everyone in the company is free to apply too.
That afternoon, instead of being laid off, one of Pru's agents, Meg Schultz, is fired and Pru and her agents are left with the stunned dread of things to come.
The rest of the week piles trauma after trauma, so that Friday morning Pru arrives with two offices closed instead of one and the news that Meg was seen arguing with Claudia in the Gresham office parking lot on Wednesday. That afternoon Pru gets a call from Meg's Mom saying that Meg didn't come home the night before. No one Pru calls has seen her, so she tells Meg's mother to report her missing. During her calls, she finds out most agencies are laying people off and not hiring, adding more stress to Pru's prospects should the company replace her. That evening she leaves for Vancouver, BC for a manager's meeting and decides to stay one more day and make a weekend out of it. It may be her last trip for a long time. At the airport she sees Claudia returning from her own meeting in LA looking stunned and anxious.
Monday morning Pru finds a police detective waiting for her at the front door of the office. She assumes it is about the disappearance of Meg Schultz. It is, but Claudia Gage was murdered Friday night.
Prudence Peters is a reluctant amateur sleuth in the story. Not interested in tracking down Claudia's killer, her priorities are to save her job and protect her office from closure and the jobs of her agents. However if Meg's name isn't cleared, all the offices in Oregon could be closed to protect the company's reputation from what one memo calls 'a postal employee'. The company becomes another antagonist in the story as it tries to back peddle by suggesting the firing of Meg was all Claudia's idea. Pru's regional manager arrives from LA to direct damage control causing more problems as they reveal hidden company agendas.
Pru tells herself she is only trying to find Meg to help her clear her name.
The same detective, Jacob LaFoure, is handling both cases. (Something Portland Police detectives do.) He is perfectly willing to let Pru check out all sorts of details that she has quicker access to than he does, thereby saving him loads of time in the missing person case. But soon her search for details lap over into the murder investigation and she and another agent find the body of Meg Schultz in her car parked in the long-term parking lot at PDX.
As the story progresses we meet the agents of the travel agency, the regional director, Claudia's husband Matty Stein, who is also a travel agent, and the manager of Matty's agency. All have major agendas that impact on both cases.
AND THEN WHAT????
You leave me high and dry with no solution to the plot and I’m going to call you at 7am my time (and YES I know what time it is in the City of Roses) and yell at you till you confess whodunit. Don't think I won't. I have your phone number; it's on your query letter.
This is a good synopsis. Crisp, clean, with motivation and an explanation for how the amateur sleuth is realistically involved in murder.
However, if you fail to complete the plot, you’re toast.
Prudence Peters has spent thirty years in the travel business and the last twenty-three as a leisure travel agent and manager for a national agency. She is a single woman, just turned fifty, extremely well traveled, long-divorced homeowner, who is used to taking care of herself as long as she stays employed.
The industry has been in slow decline because of the Internet for years and now seems on the brink of a major crash. Her week from hell begins on a Monday morning conference call with her State supervisor, Claudia Gage, demoting all five managers in the state of Oregon. If that isn't bad enough, one of the five offices will be closed down completely and the remaining offices will have to layoff one agent each. It is also the week for agent reviews, and later that day Claudia arrives with the additional bad news for Pru that her job is up for grabs. Everyone in the company is free to apply too.
That afternoon, instead of being laid off, one of Pru's agents, Meg Schultz, is fired and Pru and her agents are left with the stunned dread of things to come.
The rest of the week piles trauma after trauma, so that Friday morning Pru arrives with two offices closed instead of one and the news that Meg was seen arguing with Claudia in the Gresham office parking lot on Wednesday. That afternoon Pru gets a call from Meg's Mom saying that Meg didn't come home the night before. No one Pru calls has seen her, so she tells Meg's mother to report her missing. During her calls, she finds out most agencies are laying people off and not hiring, adding more stress to Pru's prospects should the company replace her. That evening she leaves for Vancouver, BC for a manager's meeting and decides to stay one more day and make a weekend out of it. It may be her last trip for a long time. At the airport she sees Claudia returning from her own meeting in LA looking stunned and anxious.
Monday morning Pru finds a police detective waiting for her at the front door of the office. She assumes it is about the disappearance of Meg Schultz. It is, but Claudia Gage was murdered Friday night.
Prudence Peters is a reluctant amateur sleuth in the story. Not interested in tracking down Claudia's killer, her priorities are to save her job and protect her office from closure and the jobs of her agents. However if Meg's name isn't cleared, all the offices in Oregon could be closed to protect the company's reputation from what one memo calls 'a postal employee'. The company becomes another antagonist in the story as it tries to back peddle by suggesting the firing of Meg was all Claudia's idea. Pru's regional manager arrives from LA to direct damage control causing more problems as they reveal hidden company agendas.
Pru tells herself she is only trying to find Meg to help her clear her name.
The same detective, Jacob LaFoure, is handling both cases. (Something Portland Police detectives do.) He is perfectly willing to let Pru check out all sorts of details that she has quicker access to than he does, thereby saving him loads of time in the missing person case. But soon her search for details lap over into the murder investigation and she and another agent find the body of Meg Schultz in her car parked in the long-term parking lot at PDX.
As the story progresses we meet the agents of the travel agency, the regional director, Claudia's husband Matty Stein, who is also a travel agent, and the manager of Matty's agency. All have major agendas that impact on both cases.
AND THEN WHAT????
You leave me high and dry with no solution to the plot and I’m going to call you at 7am my time (and YES I know what time it is in the City of Roses) and yell at you till you confess whodunit. Don't think I won't. I have your phone number; it's on your query letter.
This is a good synopsis. Crisp, clean, with motivation and an explanation for how the amateur sleuth is realistically involved in murder.
However, if you fail to complete the plot, you’re toast.
#79 Crapometer
Mystery
Heartsicle, Pa., is a town built on chocolate and sustained by the candy company, the theme park and Franklin & Paine University. But the proposed construction of an administrative building downtown triggers a fight with the business owners who will have to move and threats against the Doves, the family whose name will adorn it.
The Doves are one of Heartsicle's prominent families, the creators of the long-running "Gastown Gang" comic strip but an auto accident and suspicions of theft have shaken them. As a Heartsicle police detective and friend of the family, Bette Fisher will discover that their troubles were not bad luck. Someone wants to destroy the family.
There’s a lot to be said for starting sentences with the subject. One of the main attractions is that it promotes clarity. Consider: Bette Fisher, a Heartsicle police detective and friend of the Dove family, discovers their troubles are not bad luck. See the difference?
The battle over two of the buildings threatened with demolition -- the Majestic Trans-Lux porn theater and the abandoned "Stonehead Manor," the Victorian turned apartment building -- uncovers their secrets.
The battle over the threatened demolition of the the Majestice Trans Lux porn theatrel and Stonehead Manor the now abandoned Victorian apartment building reveals their secrets.
To Kate Gaddis, the film buff whose father, Ralph, is fighting to save downtown, she discovers that the Majestic was built by her great-grandfather and passed down to Ralph, who sold it. Raised to be an activist, she is disenchanted with politics, but unsure of her future.
She finds direction in a potential relationship with Daniel Frederick, and her link to the theater's past.
Stonehead Manor's proposed demolition triggers an awakening in Professor Philip Dodd. In 1975, Dodd saw the girl he loved, Sandy, killed there by her father, Mervin Oliver. Thinking her father had followed him to her, he blames himself for her death. Dodd re-visits the story behind the killing and understands how it caused him to withdraw from life, love and grieving.
It didn’t cause him to withdraw from life, love and grieving. It caused him to withdraw from life and love, grieving. Or better yet; it cause him to withdraw from life and love.
Meanwhile, the Dove family threatens to implode. Edgar Dove hurt his hand in the wreck, and his son, Marcus, now draws the strip. Edgar's second wife, Elena, tries to hold the family together and keep the business running. The new accountant, Walter Friheit, reconstructing the business records, wants a forensic audit because he suspects embezzlement.
When Bette and her partner, Harry Justus, investigate a burglary at the studio in which computers and CDs were stolen, she wonders if it was just another break-in, or someone wanted to hide something.
On her way to the theater with her husband, Bob, Bette encounters a beaten Marcus. He claims he was mugged, but his wallet, with money, was found nearby.
Edgar, disgusted by the strip's falling readership and his son's inability to replace him, decides to end the strip. Marcus vows to fight his father. But Marcus is shot to death in the studio. On his chest was pinned a Nixon campaign badge.
The murder shakes Bette, who knew Marcus and helped him when he was a teenager, but she discovers that he was not just a son trying to fit in as his father's heir. He was having an affair with his assistant, Nikki. The stolen business records are found in his car. She learns that the Nixon button is vintage, and hears about the Stonehead Manor killing. Investigating Edgar's accident, she proves the car was sabotaged.
At the funeral, Philip Dodd is hung over. Revisiting his past has left him depressed and drinking. Weeping, he runs into Bette and confesses, "I killed her."
Meanwhile, to keep the strip going until it runs out its contract, Edgar begins working with Cornelia, his estranged daughter who had left the family when Marcus got the strip because he was male. She clashes with Edgar over the direction of the strip and her ambitions as an artist.
Bette visits Dodd, who tells her about Stonehead Manor and his need to learn more about what happened. He shows her a yearbook, and she sees a photo showing Edgar and Sandy, who is wearing a Nixon button.
uhhh...they manufactured those campaign buttons by the gazillions. It’s not exactly rare. A Wendal Wilkie button maybe, or a Nixon button in Massachusetts..maybe. Or a Bush button in NYC, definatly, but Nixon won by a landslide in 72.
Harry Justus learns that Nikki, Marcus' assistant, has an abuse order against an ex-boyfriend. He tracks him down and he confesses that he beat up Marcus. An anonymous call tipped him to the affair.
what’s an abuse order? I’d like to order abuse for certain car alarm owners.
As Katie and Daniel investigate the theater's history, they suspect that granddad's hints of "treasure" may be real. They sneak into the theater and discover movie memorabilia from the silent and early talkie eras, including lost films worth a fortune.
Bette questions Edgar. He says he was Sandy's boyfriend, and he gave her a Nixon button similar to one found on Marcus. She learns that Sandy Oliver's dad was released two years ago and requests his mug shot.
Bette tells Dodd that the father hadn't followed him to Sandy's apartment, but that he had paid Ralph Gaddis for the information. Dodd is shocked; he had assumed someone else's guilt all these years, and avoided that part of town because he didn't want to see the house. He
decides to burn the building down.
Bette gets Mervin Oliver's mug shot. It is Walter Friheit, the family's accountant. She calls the house. Walter, Nikki, Edgar and Cornelia were gone. Bette suspects they've gone to Stonehead Manor. At the old murder scene, they discover a double masquerade. Mervin's
surviving daughter had changed her name to Nikki and gotten a job as Marcus' assistant. She was the one who'd taken them hostage. Walter encouraged Marcus to steal because he wanted to ruin the family financially, but Nikki wanted blood.
While Dodd sets the basement afire, Nikki shoots Cornelia. She's restrained. Cornelia survives, the bullet stopped by the thick sketchpad she keeps in her coat. Smelling smoke, they flee down the stairs, but the stair rail to the first floor gives way, and Bette hits the floor.
Harry rescues her, and they escape.
The building project is thwarted. Told of the treasure, the Dove family gets the university to buy the theater, and the Dove-financed film and graphic arts department is founded. Professor Dodd, his hair and eyebrows burned in the fire, takes a sudden leave of absence. Bette
and Harry visit the family as they celebrate the second life of the "Gastown Gang" under Edgar and Cornelia.
You’re awash in events and names here instead of just hitting the highlights. This isn’t an index, it’s just an overview.
You need to crisp up your writing too. Yes, I read the first five pages to see what the novel is like but if I see fat sentences and passive voice in the synopsis, you just raised my suspicions the text will follow suit. Remember, the default answer on queries is NO. You have to really show me something fabu to get me to YES.
Heartsicle, Pa., is a town built on chocolate and sustained by the candy company, the theme park and Franklin & Paine University. But the proposed construction of an administrative building downtown triggers a fight with the business owners who will have to move and threats against the Doves, the family whose name will adorn it.
The Doves are one of Heartsicle's prominent families, the creators of the long-running "Gastown Gang" comic strip but an auto accident and suspicions of theft have shaken them. As a Heartsicle police detective and friend of the family, Bette Fisher will discover that their troubles were not bad luck. Someone wants to destroy the family.
There’s a lot to be said for starting sentences with the subject. One of the main attractions is that it promotes clarity. Consider: Bette Fisher, a Heartsicle police detective and friend of the Dove family, discovers their troubles are not bad luck. See the difference?
The battle over two of the buildings threatened with demolition -- the Majestic Trans-Lux porn theater and the abandoned "Stonehead Manor," the Victorian turned apartment building -- uncovers their secrets.
The battle over the threatened demolition of the the Majestice Trans Lux porn theatrel and Stonehead Manor the now abandoned Victorian apartment building reveals their secrets.
To Kate Gaddis, the film buff whose father, Ralph, is fighting to save downtown, she discovers that the Majestic was built by her great-grandfather and passed down to Ralph, who sold it. Raised to be an activist, she is disenchanted with politics, but unsure of her future.
She finds direction in a potential relationship with Daniel Frederick, and her link to the theater's past.
Stonehead Manor's proposed demolition triggers an awakening in Professor Philip Dodd. In 1975, Dodd saw the girl he loved, Sandy, killed there by her father, Mervin Oliver. Thinking her father had followed him to her, he blames himself for her death. Dodd re-visits the story behind the killing and understands how it caused him to withdraw from life, love and grieving.
It didn’t cause him to withdraw from life, love and grieving. It caused him to withdraw from life and love, grieving. Or better yet; it cause him to withdraw from life and love.
Meanwhile, the Dove family threatens to implode. Edgar Dove hurt his hand in the wreck, and his son, Marcus, now draws the strip. Edgar's second wife, Elena, tries to hold the family together and keep the business running. The new accountant, Walter Friheit, reconstructing the business records, wants a forensic audit because he suspects embezzlement.
When Bette and her partner, Harry Justus, investigate a burglary at the studio in which computers and CDs were stolen, she wonders if it was just another break-in, or someone wanted to hide something.
On her way to the theater with her husband, Bob, Bette encounters a beaten Marcus. He claims he was mugged, but his wallet, with money, was found nearby.
Edgar, disgusted by the strip's falling readership and his son's inability to replace him, decides to end the strip. Marcus vows to fight his father. But Marcus is shot to death in the studio. On his chest was pinned a Nixon campaign badge.
The murder shakes Bette, who knew Marcus and helped him when he was a teenager, but she discovers that he was not just a son trying to fit in as his father's heir. He was having an affair with his assistant, Nikki. The stolen business records are found in his car. She learns that the Nixon button is vintage, and hears about the Stonehead Manor killing. Investigating Edgar's accident, she proves the car was sabotaged.
At the funeral, Philip Dodd is hung over. Revisiting his past has left him depressed and drinking. Weeping, he runs into Bette and confesses, "I killed her."
Meanwhile, to keep the strip going until it runs out its contract, Edgar begins working with Cornelia, his estranged daughter who had left the family when Marcus got the strip because he was male. She clashes with Edgar over the direction of the strip and her ambitions as an artist.
Bette visits Dodd, who tells her about Stonehead Manor and his need to learn more about what happened. He shows her a yearbook, and she sees a photo showing Edgar and Sandy, who is wearing a Nixon button.
uhhh...they manufactured those campaign buttons by the gazillions. It’s not exactly rare. A Wendal Wilkie button maybe, or a Nixon button in Massachusetts..maybe. Or a Bush button in NYC, definatly, but Nixon won by a landslide in 72.
Harry Justus learns that Nikki, Marcus' assistant, has an abuse order against an ex-boyfriend. He tracks him down and he confesses that he beat up Marcus. An anonymous call tipped him to the affair.
what’s an abuse order? I’d like to order abuse for certain car alarm owners.
As Katie and Daniel investigate the theater's history, they suspect that granddad's hints of "treasure" may be real. They sneak into the theater and discover movie memorabilia from the silent and early talkie eras, including lost films worth a fortune.
Bette questions Edgar. He says he was Sandy's boyfriend, and he gave her a Nixon button similar to one found on Marcus. She learns that Sandy Oliver's dad was released two years ago and requests his mug shot.
Bette tells Dodd that the father hadn't followed him to Sandy's apartment, but that he had paid Ralph Gaddis for the information. Dodd is shocked; he had assumed someone else's guilt all these years, and avoided that part of town because he didn't want to see the house. He
decides to burn the building down.
Bette gets Mervin Oliver's mug shot. It is Walter Friheit, the family's accountant. She calls the house. Walter, Nikki, Edgar and Cornelia were gone. Bette suspects they've gone to Stonehead Manor. At the old murder scene, they discover a double masquerade. Mervin's
surviving daughter had changed her name to Nikki and gotten a job as Marcus' assistant. She was the one who'd taken them hostage. Walter encouraged Marcus to steal because he wanted to ruin the family financially, but Nikki wanted blood.
While Dodd sets the basement afire, Nikki shoots Cornelia. She's restrained. Cornelia survives, the bullet stopped by the thick sketchpad she keeps in her coat. Smelling smoke, they flee down the stairs, but the stair rail to the first floor gives way, and Bette hits the floor.
Harry rescues her, and they escape.
The building project is thwarted. Told of the treasure, the Dove family gets the university to buy the theater, and the Dove-financed film and graphic arts department is founded. Professor Dodd, his hair and eyebrows burned in the fire, takes a sudden leave of absence. Bette
and Harry visit the family as they celebrate the second life of the "Gastown Gang" under Edgar and Cornelia.
You’re awash in events and names here instead of just hitting the highlights. This isn’t an index, it’s just an overview.
You need to crisp up your writing too. Yes, I read the first five pages to see what the novel is like but if I see fat sentences and passive voice in the synopsis, you just raised my suspicions the text will follow suit. Remember, the default answer on queries is NO. You have to really show me something fabu to get me to YES.
#78 Crapometer
Genre: Historical Romance
All the World's a Stage
Duchess is a common pickpocket who will lie, cheat and steal to gain her freedom from the streets of London. Her partner-in-crime, Hannah, works as a maid at a brothel and collects Duchess' take at the end of each day. The two girls dream of amassing enough money to buy a small, rural plot of land.
Duncan March, Earl Ravenscroft, is known to his friends as "the Honest Nobleman." He, too, longs for freedom, but the chains that bind him to the dissembling world of London society are his deathbed pledge to his grandmother to find his impossibly histrionic sister a suitable match, and later, an assignment from the Queen to help uncover a plot against her dear Essex's life.
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE finds Duchess and Duncan on a collision course when one autumn afternoon she steals the baron's purse. (what baron?) To elude both the baron and Duncan, she dons the stolen garments of an apprentice, leaves the money with Hannah but keeps the purse, and hides under the stage at The Rose.
The baron recovers the money from Hannah, but Duncan's suspicions are aroused when the baron refuses to give up searching for the purse. In order to protect Hannah from the baron's brutal rage, Duncan takes her home, hoping Hannah's expertise with potions will help his sister.
Duchess needs to get Hannah out of the Duncan's clutches, yet her own strong attraction to the man keeps her longing to be near him. If she reveals her true identity, she fears the "Honest Nobleman" will have her thrown in Newgate.
Penniless and posing as Hannah's brother Hob, Duchess unwittingly becomes involved in an absurd wager between the two preeminent acting companies of the time. They wager against one another that "Hob" would make a fine heroine for one of Shakespeare's plays. Duchess agrees to the wager with the stipulation that if she succeeds, she should take the lion's share of the winnings-- more than enough to escape London with Hannah. It is finally agreed that "Hob's" debut be performed before the Queen herself at Christmas Revels.
Throughout the weeks leading up to Revels, Duchess and Duncan find themselves often in each other's company. The attraction Duchess feels for Duncan deepens with every encounter, and she is torn by her need to protect her identity, his unbending honesty, and their very different lives. Yet they find kindred spirits in one another-- two caged birds longing for the peacefulness of the pastoral life.
Hannah enlists the aid of the earl's sister to help "Hob" learn how to wear a farthingale, hold a fan -- things with which Duchess has no experience. When Duncan sees Duchess dressed as a woman, he finds himself both attracted to her beauty and repulsed by the fact that HOB IS A BOY!
Duncan whisks Duchess off to an alehouse, intending to foist "Hob's" virginity off on an old whore, and secure his own masculinity with a young one.
Duchess cleverly escapes the old crone, and takes refuge in a darkened room, only to find a very drunk, very naked earl alone in the bed. Duchess' curiosity gets the best of her.
Duncan mistakes her for the young doxy and asks her to please play a role for him - his angel. Duchess is swept up in the charade, allowing herself to believe he longs for her. But her bliss is destroyed when Duncan abruptly lurches out the door, tossing a bag of coins at her feet.
Duncan is tortured by the vision of "Hob" that plagued him in bed at the alehouse.
At Christmas Revels, Duchess successfully fools the Queen, but the rival actors cannot make good on the wager, so Duchess is forced to stay "Hob" awhile longer.
For extra coinage, Duchess helps the Shakespeare's men dismantle The Theatre and haul the timbers over the frozen Thames to build the Globe. The plan goes awry when Duchess falls through the ice.
Ok, I just read about this in 1599: A Year in the Life of Shakespeare by James Shapiro. They DIDN'T haul the timbers across the Thames..they stored them.
Duncan arrives in time to pull her from the river and rushes her to a nearby alehouse. He strips unconscious "Hob's" icy clothes and discovers HOB IS NOT A BOY!
Suddenly his strange attraction to "Hob" makes sense. But he finds among her frozen clothing the baron's stolen purse, and within it smeared writing of which he can only make out a few words - a list of poisonous compounds.
Duncan suspects the purse is key to the plot against Essex, but cannot discover whether Duchess is a party to it. He only knows he can never trust this woman who went to such lengths to live a lie.
Once she recovers, Duncan follows her as she reverts back to picking pockets to finance her escape. But an old enemy named Cutlip accosts her. Having kidnapped Hannah, he demands Duchess bring him items Hannah needs to make a poison. Duchess discovers that the baron has hired Cutlip to ensure Essex's murder.
Duchess resolves to tell all to Duncan. But Duncan, who witnesses their seemingly conspiratorial meeting, tells the Queen.
Duncan and Duchess find themselves on the same side in a battle against Cutlip and the baron. Duchess kills the baron to spare Duncan's life.
Duchess is sentenced to death. Duncan visits her cell. She confesses all and hopelessly proclaims her love for him. He flees the cell, and she fears she will never see him again.
Duchess is strung up on the gallows, only to have Duncan arrive to save her just before her soul leaves her body.
The Queen rewards Duncan for foiling the plot against Essex by betrothing his sister to a Scottish lord. Duncan concocts a story in which he is the baron's slayer. His foray into deception convinces the Queen, and she alters Duchess' sentence. She banishes Duchess, promising Duncan he may do as he please with her, as long as she never returns to London.
Duchess and Duncan find their freedom in each other's arms.
Does Gwynth Paltrow get an Oscar for this?
The synopsis is clear and well organized. Not much hint of voice or depth of character, but that’s not a deal breaker when you’ve got a lot of territory to cover in 1000 words.
Of course, in historical fiction, you gotta get the details right, so you want to keep up on the current stuff like James Shapiro’s book.
I’d look for very very good writing to make this rise above “been there done that” plot elements.
All the World's a Stage
Duchess is a common pickpocket who will lie, cheat and steal to gain her freedom from the streets of London. Her partner-in-crime, Hannah, works as a maid at a brothel and collects Duchess' take at the end of each day. The two girls dream of amassing enough money to buy a small, rural plot of land.
Duncan March, Earl Ravenscroft, is known to his friends as "the Honest Nobleman." He, too, longs for freedom, but the chains that bind him to the dissembling world of London society are his deathbed pledge to his grandmother to find his impossibly histrionic sister a suitable match, and later, an assignment from the Queen to help uncover a plot against her dear Essex's life.
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE finds Duchess and Duncan on a collision course when one autumn afternoon she steals the baron's purse. (what baron?) To elude both the baron and Duncan, she dons the stolen garments of an apprentice, leaves the money with Hannah but keeps the purse, and hides under the stage at The Rose.
The baron recovers the money from Hannah, but Duncan's suspicions are aroused when the baron refuses to give up searching for the purse. In order to protect Hannah from the baron's brutal rage, Duncan takes her home, hoping Hannah's expertise with potions will help his sister.
Duchess needs to get Hannah out of the Duncan's clutches, yet her own strong attraction to the man keeps her longing to be near him. If she reveals her true identity, she fears the "Honest Nobleman" will have her thrown in Newgate.
Penniless and posing as Hannah's brother Hob, Duchess unwittingly becomes involved in an absurd wager between the two preeminent acting companies of the time. They wager against one another that "Hob" would make a fine heroine for one of Shakespeare's plays. Duchess agrees to the wager with the stipulation that if she succeeds, she should take the lion's share of the winnings-- more than enough to escape London with Hannah. It is finally agreed that "Hob's" debut be performed before the Queen herself at Christmas Revels.
Throughout the weeks leading up to Revels, Duchess and Duncan find themselves often in each other's company. The attraction Duchess feels for Duncan deepens with every encounter, and she is torn by her need to protect her identity, his unbending honesty, and their very different lives. Yet they find kindred spirits in one another-- two caged birds longing for the peacefulness of the pastoral life.
Hannah enlists the aid of the earl's sister to help "Hob" learn how to wear a farthingale, hold a fan -- things with which Duchess has no experience. When Duncan sees Duchess dressed as a woman, he finds himself both attracted to her beauty and repulsed by the fact that HOB IS A BOY!
Duncan whisks Duchess off to an alehouse, intending to foist "Hob's" virginity off on an old whore, and secure his own masculinity with a young one.
Duchess cleverly escapes the old crone, and takes refuge in a darkened room, only to find a very drunk, very naked earl alone in the bed. Duchess' curiosity gets the best of her.
Duncan mistakes her for the young doxy and asks her to please play a role for him - his angel. Duchess is swept up in the charade, allowing herself to believe he longs for her. But her bliss is destroyed when Duncan abruptly lurches out the door, tossing a bag of coins at her feet.
Duncan is tortured by the vision of "Hob" that plagued him in bed at the alehouse.
At Christmas Revels, Duchess successfully fools the Queen, but the rival actors cannot make good on the wager, so Duchess is forced to stay "Hob" awhile longer.
For extra coinage, Duchess helps the Shakespeare's men dismantle The Theatre and haul the timbers over the frozen Thames to build the Globe. The plan goes awry when Duchess falls through the ice.
Ok, I just read about this in 1599: A Year in the Life of Shakespeare by James Shapiro. They DIDN'T haul the timbers across the Thames..they stored them.
Duncan arrives in time to pull her from the river and rushes her to a nearby alehouse. He strips unconscious "Hob's" icy clothes and discovers HOB IS NOT A BOY!
Suddenly his strange attraction to "Hob" makes sense. But he finds among her frozen clothing the baron's stolen purse, and within it smeared writing of which he can only make out a few words - a list of poisonous compounds.
Duncan suspects the purse is key to the plot against Essex, but cannot discover whether Duchess is a party to it. He only knows he can never trust this woman who went to such lengths to live a lie.
Once she recovers, Duncan follows her as she reverts back to picking pockets to finance her escape. But an old enemy named Cutlip accosts her. Having kidnapped Hannah, he demands Duchess bring him items Hannah needs to make a poison. Duchess discovers that the baron has hired Cutlip to ensure Essex's murder.
Duchess resolves to tell all to Duncan. But Duncan, who witnesses their seemingly conspiratorial meeting, tells the Queen.
Duncan and Duchess find themselves on the same side in a battle against Cutlip and the baron. Duchess kills the baron to spare Duncan's life.
Duchess is sentenced to death. Duncan visits her cell. She confesses all and hopelessly proclaims her love for him. He flees the cell, and she fears she will never see him again.
Duchess is strung up on the gallows, only to have Duncan arrive to save her just before her soul leaves her body.
The Queen rewards Duncan for foiling the plot against Essex by betrothing his sister to a Scottish lord. Duncan concocts a story in which he is the baron's slayer. His foray into deception convinces the Queen, and she alters Duchess' sentence. She banishes Duchess, promising Duncan he may do as he please with her, as long as she never returns to London.
Duchess and Duncan find their freedom in each other's arms.
Does Gwynth Paltrow get an Oscar for this?
The synopsis is clear and well organized. Not much hint of voice or depth of character, but that’s not a deal breaker when you’ve got a lot of territory to cover in 1000 words.
Of course, in historical fiction, you gotta get the details right, so you want to keep up on the current stuff like James Shapiro’s book.
I’d look for very very good writing to make this rise above “been there done that” plot elements.
#77 Crapometer
Genre: mystery
The Desperado of Brooklyn Heights
Kate Shaughnessey's hunger for a more glamorous, sophisticated life leads to romance, single motherhood, and unwitting involvement in a murder.
Kate has seldom left her blue-collar neighborhood of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. She is intelligent and strong-minded, but naïve. Most of her ideas about the world come from books, and she is convinced that Manhattan, unlike Bay Ridge, is peopled with literate, fascinating people who are her true clan. Despite family pressure to marry early and settle down in the neighborhood to raise children of her own, Kate has managed to graduate from a local college and has just landed a job proofreading for a large corporate law firm in Manhattan. Her fellow proofreaders are a quirky, interesting bunch, and Kate enjoys them, but she continues to seek the more glamorous life that seems to elude her.
When Kate meets Stephen Lodge, a rising star at the firm, she is stunned by his good looks and easy charm. He appears to be a romantic hero out of one of her books. Stephen asks her out and seduces her primarily as a lark, but her openness and vulnerability disarm him. Soon they are deeply involved. Stephen confides in Kate that he was a sickly child, pampered and protected by his mother because of childhood diabetes, and thus a target of bullies. As a young adult he worked to become physically strong and emotionally invulnerable. He now keeps his medical condition a secret from everyone but his powerful mentor, partner Jefferson Hartford, who shares the condition.
Kate moves into Stephen's apartment in glamorous Brooklyn Heights. Stephen, a product of prep schools and the Ivy League, introduces her to a new style of living, and she begins to believe she has landed in the world she dreamed about. However, their relationship, which becomes an open secret despite their best efforts, isolates them. Kate's family disapproves of her decision to live in sin with Stephen. Kate resents their small-mindedness and breaks her ties with them. She convinces herself that this is for the good.
The firm, with its rigid hierarchical structure, frowns on fraternization between attorneys and office staff. Hartford despises Kate as a lower-class opportunist, and Stephen feels he is in danger of losing Hartford's support. The other proofreaders exclude Kate, believing that she has defected to the side of the oppressors.
Stephen becomes increasingly distant and secretive and Kate suspects he is seeing Ivy, a glamorous attorney Hartford has handpicked for him. Then she discovers that she is pregnant. Stephen expresses doubt that he is the father. They quarrel, and Stephen moves in with Ivy. Kate finds herself completely alone.
At work, Kate is suddenly in trouble for errors she did not make. She suspects that Hartford is behind this witch hunt. The other proofreaders rally back to her side and try to shield her, and she begins to realize how foolish she was to abandon them for a seemingly more sophisticated life. When she is fired despite their best efforts, these friends continue to help her as they can.
After her son is born, Kate takes a low-paying teaching position in an exclusive Brooklyn Heights nursery school. She befriends a few of her co-workers, including Maureen, the school nurse, a sad and eccentric but kindly figure. One of Kate's students turns out to be the son of her nemesis, Jefferson Hartford, and his young second wife.
The morning after Hartford fails to show up for a parent-teacher conference, Kate finds his suffocated body in the supply closet of her classroom. Her horror turns to panic when she learns that she is a suspect. The fear that she could be separated from her baby drives her to do her own detective work. When family members turn up to help her, she is forced to reexamine her willingness to leave Bay Ridge behind.
Kate discovers that Hartford and Stephen were involved in a ring that smuggled young Thai women into the United States, forced them into prostitution, then blackmailed their clients. Suspicion then points toward Stephen, and he is arrested.
Despite the evidence and pressure from her friends to forget him, Kate refuses to believe that Stephen was involved in Hartford's death. She is forced to acknowledge that he is weak, self-serving, and duplicitous, but she believes that if he truly loved anyone besides himself, it was Hartford; besides, the evidence against him does not add up. She continues to dig into Hartford's history.
A friend attends Hartford's funeral and reports that Maureen, the school nurse, was greeted affectionately there by Hartford's grown sons from his first marriage. Kate follows this trail, eventually meeting Hartford's son Andy, who hates his father. Andy tells her that Maureen had worked at the school he and his brother attended, and her son, Tim, was his best friend. Tim had contracted HIV through a transfusion, and Hartford led a successful movement to force him out of the school. Soon afterward, Tim died, and Maureen's marriage collapsed.
Maureen confesses to the murder. She came upon Hartford, who was disoriented from a hypoglycemic episode, while he was waiting alone for his conference with Kate and impulsively injected him with his own insulin.
At the book's end, Kate is cautiously hopeful for the future. She has developed a more nuanced understanding of human nature and an enhanced appreciation for family and community, and she has begun to explore new romantic possibilities.
This is a good synopsis. As a clever Snarkling pointed out in the comments trail last night when I excoriated someone for over used plot elements “it’s the writing that counts”. I’d look for really vivid writing in the sample pages.
You’ve got very very traditional plot here. However, I like very much the fact that “Prince Charming” doesn’t rescue her, she rescues herself.
The Desperado of Brooklyn Heights
Kate Shaughnessey's hunger for a more glamorous, sophisticated life leads to romance, single motherhood, and unwitting involvement in a murder.
Kate has seldom left her blue-collar neighborhood of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. She is intelligent and strong-minded, but naïve. Most of her ideas about the world come from books, and she is convinced that Manhattan, unlike Bay Ridge, is peopled with literate, fascinating people who are her true clan. Despite family pressure to marry early and settle down in the neighborhood to raise children of her own, Kate has managed to graduate from a local college and has just landed a job proofreading for a large corporate law firm in Manhattan. Her fellow proofreaders are a quirky, interesting bunch, and Kate enjoys them, but she continues to seek the more glamorous life that seems to elude her.
When Kate meets Stephen Lodge, a rising star at the firm, she is stunned by his good looks and easy charm. He appears to be a romantic hero out of one of her books. Stephen asks her out and seduces her primarily as a lark, but her openness and vulnerability disarm him. Soon they are deeply involved. Stephen confides in Kate that he was a sickly child, pampered and protected by his mother because of childhood diabetes, and thus a target of bullies. As a young adult he worked to become physically strong and emotionally invulnerable. He now keeps his medical condition a secret from everyone but his powerful mentor, partner Jefferson Hartford, who shares the condition.
Kate moves into Stephen's apartment in glamorous Brooklyn Heights. Stephen, a product of prep schools and the Ivy League, introduces her to a new style of living, and she begins to believe she has landed in the world she dreamed about. However, their relationship, which becomes an open secret despite their best efforts, isolates them. Kate's family disapproves of her decision to live in sin with Stephen. Kate resents their small-mindedness and breaks her ties with them. She convinces herself that this is for the good.
The firm, with its rigid hierarchical structure, frowns on fraternization between attorneys and office staff. Hartford despises Kate as a lower-class opportunist, and Stephen feels he is in danger of losing Hartford's support. The other proofreaders exclude Kate, believing that she has defected to the side of the oppressors.
Stephen becomes increasingly distant and secretive and Kate suspects he is seeing Ivy, a glamorous attorney Hartford has handpicked for him. Then she discovers that she is pregnant. Stephen expresses doubt that he is the father. They quarrel, and Stephen moves in with Ivy. Kate finds herself completely alone.
At work, Kate is suddenly in trouble for errors she did not make. She suspects that Hartford is behind this witch hunt. The other proofreaders rally back to her side and try to shield her, and she begins to realize how foolish she was to abandon them for a seemingly more sophisticated life. When she is fired despite their best efforts, these friends continue to help her as they can.
After her son is born, Kate takes a low-paying teaching position in an exclusive Brooklyn Heights nursery school. She befriends a few of her co-workers, including Maureen, the school nurse, a sad and eccentric but kindly figure. One of Kate's students turns out to be the son of her nemesis, Jefferson Hartford, and his young second wife.
The morning after Hartford fails to show up for a parent-teacher conference, Kate finds his suffocated body in the supply closet of her classroom. Her horror turns to panic when she learns that she is a suspect. The fear that she could be separated from her baby drives her to do her own detective work. When family members turn up to help her, she is forced to reexamine her willingness to leave Bay Ridge behind.
Kate discovers that Hartford and Stephen were involved in a ring that smuggled young Thai women into the United States, forced them into prostitution, then blackmailed their clients. Suspicion then points toward Stephen, and he is arrested.
Despite the evidence and pressure from her friends to forget him, Kate refuses to believe that Stephen was involved in Hartford's death. She is forced to acknowledge that he is weak, self-serving, and duplicitous, but she believes that if he truly loved anyone besides himself, it was Hartford; besides, the evidence against him does not add up. She continues to dig into Hartford's history.
A friend attends Hartford's funeral and reports that Maureen, the school nurse, was greeted affectionately there by Hartford's grown sons from his first marriage. Kate follows this trail, eventually meeting Hartford's son Andy, who hates his father. Andy tells her that Maureen had worked at the school he and his brother attended, and her son, Tim, was his best friend. Tim had contracted HIV through a transfusion, and Hartford led a successful movement to force him out of the school. Soon afterward, Tim died, and Maureen's marriage collapsed.
Maureen confesses to the murder. She came upon Hartford, who was disoriented from a hypoglycemic episode, while he was waiting alone for his conference with Kate and impulsively injected him with his own insulin.
At the book's end, Kate is cautiously hopeful for the future. She has developed a more nuanced understanding of human nature and an enhanced appreciation for family and community, and she has begun to explore new romantic possibilities.
This is a good synopsis. As a clever Snarkling pointed out in the comments trail last night when I excoriated someone for over used plot elements “it’s the writing that counts”. I’d look for really vivid writing in the sample pages.
You’ve got very very traditional plot here. However, I like very much the fact that “Prince Charming” doesn’t rescue her, she rescues herself.
#76 Crapometer
Single Title Romance
WALK THIS WAY/synopsis
Nora Linnet catches men who cheat--starting with her fiancé. She spies on men from Milwaukee to Chicago, in bars, strip clubs, and pool halls. So she won’t get hit on, she dresses like a man, with helpful advice from her blogging friends on how to talk, walk, and sit.
I’m hoping Nosy Nora is at least a private investigator of some kind. Spying on guys just to spy is creepy.
In P.I. Tony Gallaghers marriage, his wife slept around. (active voice: PI Tony Gallaghers’s wife slept around) The last thing he wants is to hook up with a woman, but his dead partner’s ghost plays matchmaker. So why does the ghost steer him to a woman who mistrusts men as much as he mistrusts women?
ghost? he gets instructions from a ghost?
Someone tries to kill the multi-millionaire industrialist who Tony’s partner was working for when he was killed in a hit-and-run accident. Now the industrialist requires a couple to spy for him on a ten-day Caribbean cruise. He suspects his cousin wants to kill him because he’s in love with his wife.
He’s in love with whose wife? His? the cousin’s. Those pronouns get tricky.
This has now devolved into a smorgasbord of plot elements. There’s too much going on for this to be anything but farce. There’s nothing wrong with farce, but you told me this was a romance.
When an angry client’s boyfriend threatens Nora, she agrees to pretend to be Tony’s lover. (those two clauses have no logical connection) On the yacht, Nora gets cozy with the industrialist’s wife and her longtime friend, who is married to the industrialist’s cousin.
And how exactly do Tony and Nora know each other? By failing to identify Nora above (I think you mean Nora anyway when you say “the ghost steers him toward a woman who mistrusts men) you leave us in the dark about how they know each other.
I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone referred to as an industrialist since ...Ayn Rand? Andrew Carnegie?
Tony is drawn to Nora, but he convinces himself it’s a chemical reaction. Why not take advantage of the enforced intimacy and have a fling? He can tell she wants him too.
So, he’s a hound. And a hypocrite. Nice qualities in a hero.
Rebuffing Tony gets harder for Nora with each nautical mile, but she fights it down, priding herself on thinking with her brain instead of her vagina. Nora grew up with a mother who attracted cheaters like fresh blood attracted sharks. Then Nora’s fiancé cheated too. How can she trust any man? (you already set up her character as untrusting, you don’t need to repeat it)
Tony discovers Nora’s blog and understands why she’s wary of men. He signs in under his partner’s name. They begin a cyber correspondence, sharing pieces of themselves.
The industrialist docks the yacht on an island, renting a villa. Another murder attempt follows--on the cousin. Tony wonders if his partner’s hit-and-run death was connected to the case. He was following the wife at the time. What if she’s the killer? Or her friend?
the wife? whose wife?
At dinner, someone spikes Tony’s drink with the cousin’s Cialis pills. Tony gets a boner he can’t lose. Feeling sympathy and excitement, Nora invites him to her bed. Their lovemaking is hot, steamy, and glorious. Tony tells her he loves her, but Nora can’t let down her defenses.
This is ludicrous.
Tony confides his suspicions to the industrialist, who arranges a trap. He announces he’s changing his will when they return home, leaving his money to Save the Children. At an island festival that night, fireworks go off, people surge toward the seashore, and their group is separated. (from what? reality?) Tony tells Nora to stay put and he rushes off. When he finds the two women (what two women??) with the drugged industrialist, the women try to shoot him. (I hope they get him) Nora follows and saves him. The women are lovers and can’t stand having sex with their husbands. Because of the pre-nups, divorce isn’t an option. Murder is.
While Tony is at the police station, Nora Googles him and finds out his dead partner is her e-mail correspondent. Tony deceived her. She packs and boards a cruise ship about to return to Florida, leaving Tony a good-bye e-mail.
Two days later, she reads an e-mail from Tony, who says he’ll be alone and lonely without her. She admits she’s alone and lonely without him too. The person keeping her from happiness isn’t Tony but her own distrust. She replies that she loves him...and trusts him.
Twenty minutes later, Nora’s doorbell rings. Instead of Tony, it’s the cheating husband who threatened her life before she left for the cruise. He aims a gun at her heart. (her least vulnerable spot I bet)
Nora throws her laptop at him (yea I answer the door holding my laptop all the time too) just as Tony tackles him through the open doorway. Tony tells Nora they make a good pair. Why not make it official? As his business partner she can still cross-dress; as his life partner she can be all woman.
is there any device you don’t use? This might work on the page but what you have here is a mess. Nothing makes any kind of logical sense. You throw in blogging, and email and google as plot devices, not to mention ghosts, and cross dressing but they seem thrown in for your convenience rather than rising from the plot naturally. The plot seems to hinge on women, unnamed or identified, who are lesbians, and murderers.
That is the stuff of farce, or noir, not romance.
WALK THIS WAY/synopsis
Nora Linnet catches men who cheat--starting with her fiancé. She spies on men from Milwaukee to Chicago, in bars, strip clubs, and pool halls. So she won’t get hit on, she dresses like a man, with helpful advice from her blogging friends on how to talk, walk, and sit.
I’m hoping Nosy Nora is at least a private investigator of some kind. Spying on guys just to spy is creepy.
In P.I. Tony Gallaghers marriage, his wife slept around. (active voice: PI Tony Gallaghers’s wife slept around) The last thing he wants is to hook up with a woman, but his dead partner’s ghost plays matchmaker. So why does the ghost steer him to a woman who mistrusts men as much as he mistrusts women?
ghost? he gets instructions from a ghost?
Someone tries to kill the multi-millionaire industrialist who Tony’s partner was working for when he was killed in a hit-and-run accident. Now the industrialist requires a couple to spy for him on a ten-day Caribbean cruise. He suspects his cousin wants to kill him because he’s in love with his wife.
He’s in love with whose wife? His? the cousin’s. Those pronouns get tricky.
This has now devolved into a smorgasbord of plot elements. There’s too much going on for this to be anything but farce. There’s nothing wrong with farce, but you told me this was a romance.
When an angry client’s boyfriend threatens Nora, she agrees to pretend to be Tony’s lover. (those two clauses have no logical connection) On the yacht, Nora gets cozy with the industrialist’s wife and her longtime friend, who is married to the industrialist’s cousin.
And how exactly do Tony and Nora know each other? By failing to identify Nora above (I think you mean Nora anyway when you say “the ghost steers him toward a woman who mistrusts men) you leave us in the dark about how they know each other.
I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone referred to as an industrialist since ...Ayn Rand? Andrew Carnegie?
Tony is drawn to Nora, but he convinces himself it’s a chemical reaction. Why not take advantage of the enforced intimacy and have a fling? He can tell she wants him too.
So, he’s a hound. And a hypocrite. Nice qualities in a hero.
Rebuffing Tony gets harder for Nora with each nautical mile, but she fights it down, priding herself on thinking with her brain instead of her vagina. Nora grew up with a mother who attracted cheaters like fresh blood attracted sharks. Then Nora’s fiancé cheated too. How can she trust any man? (you already set up her character as untrusting, you don’t need to repeat it)
Tony discovers Nora’s blog and understands why she’s wary of men. He signs in under his partner’s name. They begin a cyber correspondence, sharing pieces of themselves.
The industrialist docks the yacht on an island, renting a villa. Another murder attempt follows--on the cousin. Tony wonders if his partner’s hit-and-run death was connected to the case. He was following the wife at the time. What if she’s the killer? Or her friend?
the wife? whose wife?
At dinner, someone spikes Tony’s drink with the cousin’s Cialis pills. Tony gets a boner he can’t lose. Feeling sympathy and excitement, Nora invites him to her bed. Their lovemaking is hot, steamy, and glorious. Tony tells her he loves her, but Nora can’t let down her defenses.
This is ludicrous.
Tony confides his suspicions to the industrialist, who arranges a trap. He announces he’s changing his will when they return home, leaving his money to Save the Children. At an island festival that night, fireworks go off, people surge toward the seashore, and their group is separated. (from what? reality?) Tony tells Nora to stay put and he rushes off. When he finds the two women (what two women??) with the drugged industrialist, the women try to shoot him. (I hope they get him) Nora follows and saves him. The women are lovers and can’t stand having sex with their husbands. Because of the pre-nups, divorce isn’t an option. Murder is.
While Tony is at the police station, Nora Googles him and finds out his dead partner is her e-mail correspondent. Tony deceived her. She packs and boards a cruise ship about to return to Florida, leaving Tony a good-bye e-mail.
Two days later, she reads an e-mail from Tony, who says he’ll be alone and lonely without her. She admits she’s alone and lonely without him too. The person keeping her from happiness isn’t Tony but her own distrust. She replies that she loves him...and trusts him.
Twenty minutes later, Nora’s doorbell rings. Instead of Tony, it’s the cheating husband who threatened her life before she left for the cruise. He aims a gun at her heart. (her least vulnerable spot I bet)
Nora throws her laptop at him (yea I answer the door holding my laptop all the time too) just as Tony tackles him through the open doorway. Tony tells Nora they make a good pair. Why not make it official? As his business partner she can still cross-dress; as his life partner she can be all woman.
is there any device you don’t use? This might work on the page but what you have here is a mess. Nothing makes any kind of logical sense. You throw in blogging, and email and google as plot devices, not to mention ghosts, and cross dressing but they seem thrown in for your convenience rather than rising from the plot naturally. The plot seems to hinge on women, unnamed or identified, who are lesbians, and murderers.
That is the stuff of farce, or noir, not romance.
#75 Crapometer
Genre -- fantasy
Title: Gordath Wood
When champion show horse Dungiven refuses to load into the horse trailer after a show, Hunters Chase stable manager Lynn Romano thinks it's because he's been spooked by a rare earthquake. She rides the horse home on the hunt trails in Gordath Wood instead of trying to force him into the trailer but she gets lost, unaware that a portal between worlds has opened up in the forest and she has crossed into Aeritan. She comes across the guardian Arrim, victim of a gunshot wound, and tries to help him. Instead, he steals Dungiven and abandons her.
Captain Crae of Red Gold Bridge has been charged with finding Arrim and bringing him back to control the gordath, or portal, that has been opened between the worlds, and now is dangerously unstable. Arrim was shot by the mysterious Bahard, also known as Mark Ballard, who has been running guns from our world to Aeritan in exchange for gold, other goods, and land rights in the southern provinces. Lord Tharp of Red Gold Bridge is seeking to leverage the new weapons in his quest to wrest control from the Aeritan Council, the ruling body of the country. War looms
Instead of Arrim, Crae finds Lynn. They forge an alliance, wary at first, brought together by Lynn's need to find a way home and Crae's growing fear of the gordath. He believes that it opened up seven years before when Lord Tharp's wife, the Lady Sarita, never returned from a journey through the Wood. After coming across a village destroyed by the out-of-control portal, Lynn throws in her lot with Crae to try to find a way to stop the destruction.
Kate Mossland, a shy teen who worships Lynn, rides off to find her, but also gets caught in the unstable gordath. She ends up on the other side in the army of the Aeritan Council, at first hazed and frightened, but learning to rely on her own strengths and finding her place in the rough organization. She becomes the apprentice of the army's surgeon and develops a crush on a boy her age, the young soldier Colar Terrick, who returns her feelings.
Back in our world Joe Felz, Hunters Chase handyman and Lynn's boyfriend, begins an investigation that leads him from a bar in Connecticut to an abandoned house on the edge of the eerie wood, stocked with weapons and ammunition. He finds Arrim, who has come through the portal to our side, half-dead from his infected gunshot wound.
The first battle between the two armies is won by Lord Tharp. The council works on a strategy to counter Lord Tharp's guns. Marthen devises shield walls and training techniques from information Kate has given him. Marthen is fascinated by Kate and begins scheming to have her recognized as noble with a plan to wed her as a reward for leading the army of the council. This way, he would be elevated to the nobility himself.
Crae and Lynn's journey takes them to Trieve, an ally of Lord Tharp's, where they hope to find a guardian to control the gordath. They are almost caught by advancing reinforcements of the Aeritan army and must flee. They are captured by the Brythern lord Hare, and are brought back to Red Gold Bridge, where Hare hopes to form an alliance with Lord Tharp. Crae and Lynn's relationship has grown from respect to friendship to love, though Lynn still loves Joe and is experiencing guilt about her new feelings. They return to Red Gold Bridge as prisoners where Lynn discovers that the mysterious Bahard is really Mark Ballard, an old boyfriend.
In the Aeritan army, Kate's value rises when she and Colar capture Bahard's Jeep and drive it back to camp. Inside is a cache of tech that she teaches the rest of the army how to use. She and Colar kiss in a flush of triumph from their raid but Colar's father comes upon them and vents his anger on Colar.
Back home, the earthquakes are getting worse, and a helicopter that is searching for the missing women explodes in the sky as it runs into the portal. Joe is arrested for the kidnapping of the two women. He is bailed out by Mrs. Hunt, the owner of Hunters Chase, who asks him to help her contact the wounded man Arrim, now in a mental hospital. Mrs. Hunt is Lady Sarita, Lord Tharp's long-lost wife, and she decides it is time to return home. She, Joe, and Arrim return to the wood in the middle of the final battle, where Mrs. Hunt is reunited with her husband. The combatants call a wary truce as everyone decides that closing the portal is the top priority. Joe discovers that he has a guardian's talent, and he decides to stay in Aeritan, though he loves Lynn. She is torn for she loves Joe and has come to love Crae, but returns home. She and Kate drive home, along with young Colar, who is badly wounded and needs a hospital.
General Marthen, though he did not admit it to himself, had fallen in love with 15-year-old Kate even apart from his scheme. With her gone, the war over, and the council no longer inclined to be grateful, his ambitions have come to nothing. Marthen uses one of the strange weapons, Bahard's personal handgun, to shoot himself. Captain Crae has become Lord Crae, recognized by the council for his deeds in stopping the gordath. He marries the Lady Jessamy of Trieve, but still loves Lynn. Lynn inherits Hunters Chase from Mrs. Hunt/Lady Sarita. Joe, used to the wide-open spaces of Texas, learns to walk softly in the woods so as not to waken the gordath. After Colar heals up, he joins Kate in high school, missing his family but excited by the possibilities of this new world.
You’ve made the classic mistake of including so many people and events you sacrifice clarity. You don’t need to mention everyone; in fact, it’s better not to. The classic example of this mistake is the horse. You start with him, but he's never mentioned again after paragraph one.
You have four main characters (I think..it’s hard to tell who’s important cause there are so many here). Give each a few lines, and then outline the major points of the plot. You don’t have to follow the chronology of the book.
Title: Gordath Wood
When champion show horse Dungiven refuses to load into the horse trailer after a show, Hunters Chase stable manager Lynn Romano thinks it's because he's been spooked by a rare earthquake. She rides the horse home on the hunt trails in Gordath Wood instead of trying to force him into the trailer but she gets lost, unaware that a portal between worlds has opened up in the forest and she has crossed into Aeritan. She comes across the guardian Arrim, victim of a gunshot wound, and tries to help him. Instead, he steals Dungiven and abandons her.
Captain Crae of Red Gold Bridge has been charged with finding Arrim and bringing him back to control the gordath, or portal, that has been opened between the worlds, and now is dangerously unstable. Arrim was shot by the mysterious Bahard, also known as Mark Ballard, who has been running guns from our world to Aeritan in exchange for gold, other goods, and land rights in the southern provinces. Lord Tharp of Red Gold Bridge is seeking to leverage the new weapons in his quest to wrest control from the Aeritan Council, the ruling body of the country. War looms
Instead of Arrim, Crae finds Lynn. They forge an alliance, wary at first, brought together by Lynn's need to find a way home and Crae's growing fear of the gordath. He believes that it opened up seven years before when Lord Tharp's wife, the Lady Sarita, never returned from a journey through the Wood. After coming across a village destroyed by the out-of-control portal, Lynn throws in her lot with Crae to try to find a way to stop the destruction.
Kate Mossland, a shy teen who worships Lynn, rides off to find her, but also gets caught in the unstable gordath. She ends up on the other side in the army of the Aeritan Council, at first hazed and frightened, but learning to rely on her own strengths and finding her place in the rough organization. She becomes the apprentice of the army's surgeon and develops a crush on a boy her age, the young soldier Colar Terrick, who returns her feelings.
Back in our world Joe Felz, Hunters Chase handyman and Lynn's boyfriend, begins an investigation that leads him from a bar in Connecticut to an abandoned house on the edge of the eerie wood, stocked with weapons and ammunition. He finds Arrim, who has come through the portal to our side, half-dead from his infected gunshot wound.
The first battle between the two armies is won by Lord Tharp. The council works on a strategy to counter Lord Tharp's guns. Marthen devises shield walls and training techniques from information Kate has given him. Marthen is fascinated by Kate and begins scheming to have her recognized as noble with a plan to wed her as a reward for leading the army of the council. This way, he would be elevated to the nobility himself.
Crae and Lynn's journey takes them to Trieve, an ally of Lord Tharp's, where they hope to find a guardian to control the gordath. They are almost caught by advancing reinforcements of the Aeritan army and must flee. They are captured by the Brythern lord Hare, and are brought back to Red Gold Bridge, where Hare hopes to form an alliance with Lord Tharp. Crae and Lynn's relationship has grown from respect to friendship to love, though Lynn still loves Joe and is experiencing guilt about her new feelings. They return to Red Gold Bridge as prisoners where Lynn discovers that the mysterious Bahard is really Mark Ballard, an old boyfriend.
In the Aeritan army, Kate's value rises when she and Colar capture Bahard's Jeep and drive it back to camp. Inside is a cache of tech that she teaches the rest of the army how to use. She and Colar kiss in a flush of triumph from their raid but Colar's father comes upon them and vents his anger on Colar.
Back home, the earthquakes are getting worse, and a helicopter that is searching for the missing women explodes in the sky as it runs into the portal. Joe is arrested for the kidnapping of the two women. He is bailed out by Mrs. Hunt, the owner of Hunters Chase, who asks him to help her contact the wounded man Arrim, now in a mental hospital. Mrs. Hunt is Lady Sarita, Lord Tharp's long-lost wife, and she decides it is time to return home. She, Joe, and Arrim return to the wood in the middle of the final battle, where Mrs. Hunt is reunited with her husband. The combatants call a wary truce as everyone decides that closing the portal is the top priority. Joe discovers that he has a guardian's talent, and he decides to stay in Aeritan, though he loves Lynn. She is torn for she loves Joe and has come to love Crae, but returns home. She and Kate drive home, along with young Colar, who is badly wounded and needs a hospital.
General Marthen, though he did not admit it to himself, had fallen in love with 15-year-old Kate even apart from his scheme. With her gone, the war over, and the council no longer inclined to be grateful, his ambitions have come to nothing. Marthen uses one of the strange weapons, Bahard's personal handgun, to shoot himself. Captain Crae has become Lord Crae, recognized by the council for his deeds in stopping the gordath. He marries the Lady Jessamy of Trieve, but still loves Lynn. Lynn inherits Hunters Chase from Mrs. Hunt/Lady Sarita. Joe, used to the wide-open spaces of Texas, learns to walk softly in the woods so as not to waken the gordath. After Colar heals up, he joins Kate in high school, missing his family but excited by the possibilities of this new world.
You’ve made the classic mistake of including so many people and events you sacrifice clarity. You don’t need to mention everyone; in fact, it’s better not to. The classic example of this mistake is the horse. You start with him, but he's never mentioned again after paragraph one.
You have four main characters (I think..it’s hard to tell who’s important cause there are so many here). Give each a few lines, and then outline the major points of the plot. You don’t have to follow the chronology of the book.
#74 Crapometer
Genre: Middle readers/horror-fantasy
Synopsis: The Waas and The Riddlers' Realm
In an age now forgotten, a race of people slowly died out - leaving one. Retreating underground, this lone survivor - The Waas - toiled away, protecting his people's legacy, making sure they would never be forgotten. He devised a plan that would allow his people to rise again. That was thousands of years ago, and now, his world - The Realm - is thriving once again with despicable creatures of human form. They leave their world and enter into ours unseen through concealed tunnels, hollow tombstones, and vacant mausoleums. And they are taking humans to populate their world. Don't shrug off strange ideas that pop into your head. It is them - The Waasms - and if you don't believe, you may have just become a Forgotten Memory.
A glitch in the carefully crafted security system of the Realm is about to unleash havoc that has been slowly brewing just a few miles below the ground. The Waasms did not prepare for two eleven-year-old friends to uncover their secret.
EHRIN MARTIN and BRENDAN LOUGHRAN, are cutting through Abbington cemetery while running from another botched attempt at spying on their freaky neighbor, SICKY NICKY. While a crumpled piece of paper snagged against the base of a tree catches Ehrin's eye, NANEEK, a creature of the Realm, enters the cemetery through a pine tree, his eye on the treasure now safely tucked into Ehrin's front pocket. But he must wait, as he has been waiting for ten years, to retrieve the paper that might make him human again. Ehrin and Brendan can not see this creature, for Waasms become invisible when they leave the Realm. The winds from an approaching storm awaken the smell that oozes from Naneek's decaying body, and the two friends know that they are not alone.
Fearing that his plan to become human again might be jeopardized because of the paper's ability to write on its own, Naneek stalks the two friends. He plans on waiting for them in one of their hideouts - The Secret Hole. Sitting silently, listening to movements coming from inside the overgrown backyard, Brendan and Ehrin watch as a door appears in an old pine tree. A repulsive odor and blinding light send the two spies tearing out of The Secret Hole, heading straight for their spy headquarters in Brendan's garage.
Before they investigate, they devise a plan. Using the strange looking pen found in a neighbor's yard, Brendan begins to scribble on the old piece of paper. Instantly, Brendan begins to write, but they are not his words. Line by line, a riddle appears, revealing clues to a dangerous journey that is about to be taken, and it will only reveal itself to Brendan and Ehrin.
They tuck away their new discovery and head to the Secret Hole to find the door that they can't see. With a tug on a hidden knocker, Brendan and Ehrin discover a world that is buried right in their own back yards. They are instantly on the run, darting inhabitants and fleeing from hideous creatures. They must stay out of the way of an internal war raging on between the Waasms and THE BANISHED.
Naneek finds the two friends, and being desperate to keep his plan hidden, he has to help them make their way safely back to the entrance of the tunnel, not before he takes their memories. With The Waas and the new leader, Sicky Nick, on their heels, Brendan and Ehrin exit the dangerous world two days later. But there is one catch: Ehrin remembers.
I’d move everything into the present tense to keep the sense of immediacy: Naneek finds the two friends, and desperate to keep his plan secret, he helps them safely back to the tunnel entrance. He takes their memories. The Waas and their new leader Sicky Nicky on their heels Brendan and Ehrin exit the dangerous world two days later.
This is pretty good, not awash in unnecessary details or descriptions.
Synopsis: The Waas and The Riddlers' Realm
In an age now forgotten, a race of people slowly died out - leaving one. Retreating underground, this lone survivor - The Waas - toiled away, protecting his people's legacy, making sure they would never be forgotten. He devised a plan that would allow his people to rise again. That was thousands of years ago, and now, his world - The Realm - is thriving once again with despicable creatures of human form. They leave their world and enter into ours unseen through concealed tunnels, hollow tombstones, and vacant mausoleums. And they are taking humans to populate their world. Don't shrug off strange ideas that pop into your head. It is them - The Waasms - and if you don't believe, you may have just become a Forgotten Memory.
A glitch in the carefully crafted security system of the Realm is about to unleash havoc that has been slowly brewing just a few miles below the ground. The Waasms did not prepare for two eleven-year-old friends to uncover their secret.
EHRIN MARTIN and BRENDAN LOUGHRAN, are cutting through Abbington cemetery while running from another botched attempt at spying on their freaky neighbor, SICKY NICKY. While a crumpled piece of paper snagged against the base of a tree catches Ehrin's eye, NANEEK, a creature of the Realm, enters the cemetery through a pine tree, his eye on the treasure now safely tucked into Ehrin's front pocket. But he must wait, as he has been waiting for ten years, to retrieve the paper that might make him human again. Ehrin and Brendan can not see this creature, for Waasms become invisible when they leave the Realm. The winds from an approaching storm awaken the smell that oozes from Naneek's decaying body, and the two friends know that they are not alone.
Fearing that his plan to become human again might be jeopardized because of the paper's ability to write on its own, Naneek stalks the two friends. He plans on waiting for them in one of their hideouts - The Secret Hole. Sitting silently, listening to movements coming from inside the overgrown backyard, Brendan and Ehrin watch as a door appears in an old pine tree. A repulsive odor and blinding light send the two spies tearing out of The Secret Hole, heading straight for their spy headquarters in Brendan's garage.
Before they investigate, they devise a plan. Using the strange looking pen found in a neighbor's yard, Brendan begins to scribble on the old piece of paper. Instantly, Brendan begins to write, but they are not his words. Line by line, a riddle appears, revealing clues to a dangerous journey that is about to be taken, and it will only reveal itself to Brendan and Ehrin.
They tuck away their new discovery and head to the Secret Hole to find the door that they can't see. With a tug on a hidden knocker, Brendan and Ehrin discover a world that is buried right in their own back yards. They are instantly on the run, darting inhabitants and fleeing from hideous creatures. They must stay out of the way of an internal war raging on between the Waasms and THE BANISHED.
Naneek finds the two friends, and being desperate to keep his plan hidden, he has to help them make their way safely back to the entrance of the tunnel, not before he takes their memories. With The Waas and the new leader, Sicky Nick, on their heels, Brendan and Ehrin exit the dangerous world two days later. But there is one catch: Ehrin remembers.
I’d move everything into the present tense to keep the sense of immediacy: Naneek finds the two friends, and desperate to keep his plan secret, he helps them safely back to the tunnel entrance. He takes their memories. The Waas and their new leader Sicky Nicky on their heels Brendan and Ehrin exit the dangerous world two days later.
This is pretty good, not awash in unnecessary details or descriptions.
#73 Crapometer
Hell's Bells
genre: Fantasy
The great gates of hell are guarded by the most ferocious of beasts and only open one way, down. Except for every full cycle, on the fourth bell of the full moon that sounds throughout the spiritual plain, when the gates of heaven and hell are opened wide to bring back lost souls, and those on the run.
huh?
Alexander is Hell’s most beautiful assassin. Lucifer himself adores Alexander above any other--a fact that doesn’t set well with Alex’s fellow demons. Alex is passionate in his discontent with life, and all that hell can offer is not enough for even its most treasured spirit. As the first bell rings, signaling a new cycle in hell’s domain, Alex’s ambitions fire
into action, and in a pique of angst he crashes through the gates of hell, battles the hounds, and heads to the surface above. He only has three more bells to find his peace before Satan is freed once more to round up his minions gone awry. So what happens when a brooding dark Lord from hell sets out on his own to find a life above ground? All hell breaks loose.
pique of angst?
Alexander is overwhelmed by his experiences on the surface. He must quickly find his equilibrium in order to prepare for the demons Lucifer is sure to send after him. Doing his best to blend, and that’s not easy for a winged assassin, he blends into life on earth until a particularly vicious battle in the park leaves him beaten and bloody on the ground at the feet of a perky young born again Christian named Christine who is sure she’s found a brave angel of God who’s just defeated a demon from hell. Well, she is part right.
Christine is forced into the most painful decision of her young life, caste (you mean cast. Caste is like a category) away the demon from hell, or help him defeat the devil, and possibly lose her soul in the process.
She hides Alexander in her apartment until her damnably atheistic boyfriend pounds on her door. Try as she might, she’s never been able to save Michael’s soul.
I don’t know many born again Christian girls with atheistic boyfriends.
Michael Dugan has had a rough few days as chief homicide investigator in the once sleepy small town of Havenhill. His desk has been littered with missing persons, ravaged bodies, and Equiresque pictures of a strange man with enormous wings, obviously the reporters in the dull town had begun to get creative in their search for excitement. If that weren’t enough, he is currently frustrated by his girlfriend’s sudden disappearance. When Alexander opens the door to Christine’s home, Michael is not amused. He becomes determined to track down the background of the stranger that has stolen his girl. What he finds shakes his atheistic body to the core.
bodies aren’t atheistic. Atheism is a belief. You don’t have atheist toes.
The trio find themselves face-to-face in a battle of souls between heaven and hell, with Alexander in between. When Lucifer unleashes his fury, and Armageddon begins, its Christine’s faith that gives them strength, Michael’s investigative prowess that finds the weakness in Satan’s plan, and Alexander’s power that win the fight leaving Satan beaten back, Alexander a true angel of God, and Christine and Michael in a more powerful relationship that will last until the end—which is coming sooner than they think.
Hell’s Bells is part one of a planned trilogy that will give new definition to the relationship between heaven and hell, and just where earth stands between them.
uh..the earth stands between heaven and hell. This is a tautology.
You might have a good novel tucked away here but this synopsis is a slew of feverish description that doesn't really say very much. If you give us a paragraph on each of the main characters, then give us the highlights of what happens and what’s at stake, it will work better. Less is more here.
genre: Fantasy
The great gates of hell are guarded by the most ferocious of beasts and only open one way, down. Except for every full cycle, on the fourth bell of the full moon that sounds throughout the spiritual plain, when the gates of heaven and hell are opened wide to bring back lost souls, and those on the run.
huh?
Alexander is Hell’s most beautiful assassin. Lucifer himself adores Alexander above any other--a fact that doesn’t set well with Alex’s fellow demons. Alex is passionate in his discontent with life, and all that hell can offer is not enough for even its most treasured spirit. As the first bell rings, signaling a new cycle in hell’s domain, Alex’s ambitions fire
into action, and in a pique of angst he crashes through the gates of hell, battles the hounds, and heads to the surface above. He only has three more bells to find his peace before Satan is freed once more to round up his minions gone awry. So what happens when a brooding dark Lord from hell sets out on his own to find a life above ground? All hell breaks loose.
pique of angst?
Alexander is overwhelmed by his experiences on the surface. He must quickly find his equilibrium in order to prepare for the demons Lucifer is sure to send after him. Doing his best to blend, and that’s not easy for a winged assassin, he blends into life on earth until a particularly vicious battle in the park leaves him beaten and bloody on the ground at the feet of a perky young born again Christian named Christine who is sure she’s found a brave angel of God who’s just defeated a demon from hell. Well, she is part right.
Christine is forced into the most painful decision of her young life, caste (you mean cast. Caste is like a category) away the demon from hell, or help him defeat the devil, and possibly lose her soul in the process.
She hides Alexander in her apartment until her damnably atheistic boyfriend pounds on her door. Try as she might, she’s never been able to save Michael’s soul.
I don’t know many born again Christian girls with atheistic boyfriends.
Michael Dugan has had a rough few days as chief homicide investigator in the once sleepy small town of Havenhill. His desk has been littered with missing persons, ravaged bodies, and Equiresque pictures of a strange man with enormous wings, obviously the reporters in the dull town had begun to get creative in their search for excitement. If that weren’t enough, he is currently frustrated by his girlfriend’s sudden disappearance. When Alexander opens the door to Christine’s home, Michael is not amused. He becomes determined to track down the background of the stranger that has stolen his girl. What he finds shakes his atheistic body to the core.
bodies aren’t atheistic. Atheism is a belief. You don’t have atheist toes.
The trio find themselves face-to-face in a battle of souls between heaven and hell, with Alexander in between. When Lucifer unleashes his fury, and Armageddon begins, its Christine’s faith that gives them strength, Michael’s investigative prowess that finds the weakness in Satan’s plan, and Alexander’s power that win the fight leaving Satan beaten back, Alexander a true angel of God, and Christine and Michael in a more powerful relationship that will last until the end—which is coming sooner than they think.
Hell’s Bells is part one of a planned trilogy that will give new definition to the relationship between heaven and hell, and just where earth stands between them.
uh..the earth stands between heaven and hell. This is a tautology.
You might have a good novel tucked away here but this synopsis is a slew of feverish description that doesn't really say very much. If you give us a paragraph on each of the main characters, then give us the highlights of what happens and what’s at stake, it will work better. Less is more here.
#72 Crapometer
Genre: Fantasy Romance
MASTER OF CROWS
Synopsis
After a thousand years of exiled sleep, an ancient malice awakens, intent on reclaiming dominion over the world. The high priests of the Gray Conclave search desperately for a way to destroy it. In a crumbling fortress, a renegade sorcerer known as the Master of Crows struggles against succumbing to the entity’s power, even as his new apprentice seeks to win her freedom from life-long servitude by betraying him.
MARTISE of Asher, sold as a child into servitude by her poverty-stricken family, is a bondswoman in a Conclave bishop’s household. Born with the talent of total recall and a magic that has not yet revealed itself, the priests of Conclave consider her a perfect candidate to spy on a rebellious and powerful wizard they suspect of treachery. In exchange for her services as an informant, her master will revoke her articles of indenture that bind her to his household for a period of forty years. It is a risky endeavor, but she agrees and travels to the mage’s stronghold to play the role of apprentice.
SILHARA of Neith, Master of Crows, sends a request to Conclave for a novice mage to help with manuscript translations. Because of his refusal to swear allegiance to the order and his reputation as a dabbler in the black arcana, he expects a refusal. What he gets is a spy. He suspects Martise is no Conclave student but cannot reject her as it will raise suspicions even more that he has something to hide. He does. The fallen god known as the Corruption has broken its bonds set by an ancient Conclave and seeks an avatar to help it regain control over a world that has mostly forgotten it. It is slowly seducing the bitter Silhara with visions of supremacy, weakening him so that it may take possession of his mind and soul.
The story begins with Martise taking her place in her new master’s home, intent on fulfilling her mission. She is at first unprepared to deal with the volatile and ruthless Silhara. His training is rigorous, sometimes deadly, and it is obvious he is trying to intimidate her into running away. Still, as the weeks pass, and they both try to discover the key to unlocking her magic, she finds herself increasingly fascinated by him. He shows flashes of kindness and humor to the members of his small household and sympathy for outcasts like himself. It becomes harder for her to reconcile her purpose at Neith with her deepening feelings for him.
As Silhara struggles to resist the Corruption’s influence, he searches for a way to destroy it. He finds a manuscript telling of an ancient ritual that may do just that. Two of the pages detailing the ceremony are missing. One is held in the possession of a powerful lich, the other by a hostile mountain tribe. He bargains successfully with the tribe for their page but must fight the lich for the second page. He almost loses his life and is saved by Martise whose magic manifests itself when he needs it most. She is a life-giver, able to channel her life force for healing, and in darker rites, for resurrection. Life-givers are rare and coveted as slaves by the more powerful sorcerers.
Martise is unaware that her talent may be more of a curse than a blessing, but Silhara knows and insists on teaching her how to use and hide her ability. Despite their hostile beginnings, he has come to admire her intelligence, compassion and fortitude. The sharing of her life force with him only heightens his growing attraction to her, and he considers extending her apprenticeship for more personal reasons.
The two become lovers and find some happiness together. But that happiness is short-lived. Silhara discovers that the ritual’s success may hinge on the sacrifice of a life-giver, and Martise witnesses the Corruption take temporary possession of Silhara. It is the evidence she needs to damn him. She flees Neith and returns to the bishop, but cannot bring herself to betray Silhara to the Conclave. She tells him she has found nothing and gives him a letter she forged stating that her apprenticeship has been revoked for “insurmountable incompetence.”
Silhara shares most of his knowledge he gained from the manuscript with Conclave. But he withholds the information relating to the sacrifice of a life-giver. Instead, he proposes a different plan -- one which will probably result in his own death. He cannot bring himself to betray Martise’s secret any more than she could betray his. Conclave accepts his plan and his role in it.
As Silhara and the clerics gather on an ancient tor to confront the Corruption, Martise learns of the ceremony and what it entails. She is stunned by Silhara’s silence regarding her ability and the fact that he will risk himself and a world to protect her. She embarks on a desperate journey to reach the tor in time and participate in the ritual, even if it means dying in the process.
The battle is fierce, but Conclave triumphs, ultimately annihilating the malevolent god. Silhara and Martise both survive, though the ritual has caused her to permanently lose her gift. The two are separated in the aftermath of the confrontation and subsequent celebrations.
Despite her role as one of the saviors, she has failed in her mission to expose Silhara and remains an indentured servant to the disappointed bishop. He soon sells her articles by proxy to another master, and she discovers it is Silhara who has bought them. He burns them, telling her she is no longer bound to any master. Martise tells him that she is bound to him by far more than her contract. He kisses her. “Life-giver,” he says, “I loved you even before you breathed your spirit into me.”
Well! Who knew this could be done! A fantasy that isn’t awash in detail and confusing vocabulary! Yet, here it is! We get a sense of the characters, how they change and develop, the challenges they face, and a sense of the alternate world. We can understand unfamiliar things from context. Good!
MASTER OF CROWS
Synopsis
After a thousand years of exiled sleep, an ancient malice awakens, intent on reclaiming dominion over the world. The high priests of the Gray Conclave search desperately for a way to destroy it. In a crumbling fortress, a renegade sorcerer known as the Master of Crows struggles against succumbing to the entity’s power, even as his new apprentice seeks to win her freedom from life-long servitude by betraying him.
MARTISE of Asher, sold as a child into servitude by her poverty-stricken family, is a bondswoman in a Conclave bishop’s household. Born with the talent of total recall and a magic that has not yet revealed itself, the priests of Conclave consider her a perfect candidate to spy on a rebellious and powerful wizard they suspect of treachery. In exchange for her services as an informant, her master will revoke her articles of indenture that bind her to his household for a period of forty years. It is a risky endeavor, but she agrees and travels to the mage’s stronghold to play the role of apprentice.
SILHARA of Neith, Master of Crows, sends a request to Conclave for a novice mage to help with manuscript translations. Because of his refusal to swear allegiance to the order and his reputation as a dabbler in the black arcana, he expects a refusal. What he gets is a spy. He suspects Martise is no Conclave student but cannot reject her as it will raise suspicions even more that he has something to hide. He does. The fallen god known as the Corruption has broken its bonds set by an ancient Conclave and seeks an avatar to help it regain control over a world that has mostly forgotten it. It is slowly seducing the bitter Silhara with visions of supremacy, weakening him so that it may take possession of his mind and soul.
The story begins with Martise taking her place in her new master’s home, intent on fulfilling her mission. She is at first unprepared to deal with the volatile and ruthless Silhara. His training is rigorous, sometimes deadly, and it is obvious he is trying to intimidate her into running away. Still, as the weeks pass, and they both try to discover the key to unlocking her magic, she finds herself increasingly fascinated by him. He shows flashes of kindness and humor to the members of his small household and sympathy for outcasts like himself. It becomes harder for her to reconcile her purpose at Neith with her deepening feelings for him.
As Silhara struggles to resist the Corruption’s influence, he searches for a way to destroy it. He finds a manuscript telling of an ancient ritual that may do just that. Two of the pages detailing the ceremony are missing. One is held in the possession of a powerful lich, the other by a hostile mountain tribe. He bargains successfully with the tribe for their page but must fight the lich for the second page. He almost loses his life and is saved by Martise whose magic manifests itself when he needs it most. She is a life-giver, able to channel her life force for healing, and in darker rites, for resurrection. Life-givers are rare and coveted as slaves by the more powerful sorcerers.
Martise is unaware that her talent may be more of a curse than a blessing, but Silhara knows and insists on teaching her how to use and hide her ability. Despite their hostile beginnings, he has come to admire her intelligence, compassion and fortitude. The sharing of her life force with him only heightens his growing attraction to her, and he considers extending her apprenticeship for more personal reasons.
The two become lovers and find some happiness together. But that happiness is short-lived. Silhara discovers that the ritual’s success may hinge on the sacrifice of a life-giver, and Martise witnesses the Corruption take temporary possession of Silhara. It is the evidence she needs to damn him. She flees Neith and returns to the bishop, but cannot bring herself to betray Silhara to the Conclave. She tells him she has found nothing and gives him a letter she forged stating that her apprenticeship has been revoked for “insurmountable incompetence.”
Silhara shares most of his knowledge he gained from the manuscript with Conclave. But he withholds the information relating to the sacrifice of a life-giver. Instead, he proposes a different plan -- one which will probably result in his own death. He cannot bring himself to betray Martise’s secret any more than she could betray his. Conclave accepts his plan and his role in it.
As Silhara and the clerics gather on an ancient tor to confront the Corruption, Martise learns of the ceremony and what it entails. She is stunned by Silhara’s silence regarding her ability and the fact that he will risk himself and a world to protect her. She embarks on a desperate journey to reach the tor in time and participate in the ritual, even if it means dying in the process.
The battle is fierce, but Conclave triumphs, ultimately annihilating the malevolent god. Silhara and Martise both survive, though the ritual has caused her to permanently lose her gift. The two are separated in the aftermath of the confrontation and subsequent celebrations.
Despite her role as one of the saviors, she has failed in her mission to expose Silhara and remains an indentured servant to the disappointed bishop. He soon sells her articles by proxy to another master, and she discovers it is Silhara who has bought them. He burns them, telling her she is no longer bound to any master. Martise tells him that she is bound to him by far more than her contract. He kisses her. “Life-giver,” he says, “I loved you even before you breathed your spirit into me.”
Well! Who knew this could be done! A fantasy that isn’t awash in detail and confusing vocabulary! Yet, here it is! We get a sense of the characters, how they change and develop, the challenges they face, and a sense of the alternate world. We can understand unfamiliar things from context. Good!
#71 Crapometer
Genre: Romantic adventure
What are the odds that two people can find love in the middle of a blazing gun battle in the Nicaraguan jungle? Vast and insurmountable when those two people are a woman who has finally realized her love has been misplaced, and a man who distances himself from any possibility of a long term relationship.
you don’t need to underscore the obvious with “vast and insurmountable”. The question is rhetorical.
Jessica Fontana is a Special Ops Agent for Homeland Security, based in Seattle and engaged to a man who insists she give up her job because his society minded family doesn't approve.
Jake Claypool, Special Ops Agent married a society girl when he was too young to realize sexual desire goes out of the bedroom when war is waged in every other room in the house. Since his divorce, he accepts the fact that he has no life except the Homeland Security Department.
When Jessica is loaned out from her Seattle office to help track down a brutal assassin named Azizi , she and Jake begin a prickly work relationship. He thinks she's mouthy, even if he finds himself irritatingly attracted to her. Jessica revels in putting burrs under his hide even though she is increasingly drawn to the flinty lawman. They manage to work together while preparing for their mission to capture currently holding the US Ambassador to Nicaragua.
mission to capture currently holding the US Ambassasor...um...Call Vanna White, we’re missing some words here.
After a dinner one night where the two put aside animosity to talk honestly and candidly, Jessica calls her fiancé to break off their relationship. Jake overhears the conversation and leaps to the incorrect conclusion that she believes they could become a serious item. He advises her to consider returning to her fiancé. She tells him to mind his own business.
The flight to Northern Nicaragua goes anything but smoothly as co-pilots Jake and Jessica sit side by side in the C-7 plane . But their verbal jabs and heated comments are quickly tossed aside when they attempt to land their suddenly crippled aircraft miles from their targeted landing strip. Instead, they're forced to bail out just before the plane crashes into a cliff. In the darkness of the jungle, without their supplies, they're forced to huddle together. The intimate contact removes their differences and they make love.
Soon after, while Jessica is off to find privacy, Azizi's thugs surprise Jake and take him prisoner. Jessica stealthily follows them and breaks into the stable, seeking a way to free Jake. Meanwhile, Jake has been tied up and beaten. Worried about Jessica, he is grateful she got away--until he sees her peering at him through an opening in a privacy screen. He is desperate to protect her, but she proves he's wasting his concern. After clobbering the guard, she frees Jake from his shackles.
you don't tie someone up with shackles. Shackles are like handcuffs. Being tied usually means rope.
They raid Azizi's weapons stash and arm themselves for the ensuing gun battle that rages through the sprawling house. The battle ends and Jake and Jessica are the last warriors standing. They cling to each other with emotional relief, but neither dares to express his or her true feelings.
They return to the States to resume their former lives, intent upon forgetting what they'd shared. Christmas Eve is unbearable in their longing for each other. The night before Jessica is to return to Seattle, they both accept an invitation to the same party and are speechless when they meet on the darkened patio. The emotions are high and the fire of desire consumes as they touch one another and say the pain soothing words of I love you. She is confident and secure of his love and he has learned to listen with his heart and to freely show his love for her.
this is a good synopsis with a kick ass heroine! Too bad the cliche society family isn’t a family of left wing granola types who think Homeland Security is the next wave of McCarthyites ... much more interesting.
What are the odds that two people can find love in the middle of a blazing gun battle in the Nicaraguan jungle? Vast and insurmountable when those two people are a woman who has finally realized her love has been misplaced, and a man who distances himself from any possibility of a long term relationship.
you don’t need to underscore the obvious with “vast and insurmountable”. The question is rhetorical.
Jessica Fontana is a Special Ops Agent for Homeland Security, based in Seattle and engaged to a man who insists she give up her job because his society minded family doesn't approve.
Jake Claypool, Special Ops Agent married a society girl when he was too young to realize sexual desire goes out of the bedroom when war is waged in every other room in the house. Since his divorce, he accepts the fact that he has no life except the Homeland Security Department.
When Jessica is loaned out from her Seattle office to help track down a brutal assassin named Azizi , she and Jake begin a prickly work relationship. He thinks she's mouthy, even if he finds himself irritatingly attracted to her. Jessica revels in putting burrs under his hide even though she is increasingly drawn to the flinty lawman. They manage to work together while preparing for their mission to capture currently holding the US Ambassador to Nicaragua.
mission to capture currently holding the US Ambassasor...um...Call Vanna White, we’re missing some words here.
After a dinner one night where the two put aside animosity to talk honestly and candidly, Jessica calls her fiancé to break off their relationship. Jake overhears the conversation and leaps to the incorrect conclusion that she believes they could become a serious item. He advises her to consider returning to her fiancé. She tells him to mind his own business.
The flight to Northern Nicaragua goes anything but smoothly as co-pilots Jake and Jessica sit side by side in the C-7 plane . But their verbal jabs and heated comments are quickly tossed aside when they attempt to land their suddenly crippled aircraft miles from their targeted landing strip. Instead, they're forced to bail out just before the plane crashes into a cliff. In the darkness of the jungle, without their supplies, they're forced to huddle together. The intimate contact removes their differences and they make love.
Soon after, while Jessica is off to find privacy, Azizi's thugs surprise Jake and take him prisoner. Jessica stealthily follows them and breaks into the stable, seeking a way to free Jake. Meanwhile, Jake has been tied up and beaten. Worried about Jessica, he is grateful she got away--until he sees her peering at him through an opening in a privacy screen. He is desperate to protect her, but she proves he's wasting his concern. After clobbering the guard, she frees Jake from his shackles.
you don't tie someone up with shackles. Shackles are like handcuffs. Being tied usually means rope.
They raid Azizi's weapons stash and arm themselves for the ensuing gun battle that rages through the sprawling house. The battle ends and Jake and Jessica are the last warriors standing. They cling to each other with emotional relief, but neither dares to express his or her true feelings.
They return to the States to resume their former lives, intent upon forgetting what they'd shared. Christmas Eve is unbearable in their longing for each other. The night before Jessica is to return to Seattle, they both accept an invitation to the same party and are speechless when they meet on the darkened patio. The emotions are high and the fire of desire consumes as they touch one another and say the pain soothing words of I love you. She is confident and secure of his love and he has learned to listen with his heart and to freely show his love for her.
this is a good synopsis with a kick ass heroine! Too bad the cliche society family isn’t a family of left wing granola types who think Homeland Security is the next wave of McCarthyites ... much more interesting.
#70 Crapometer
Chick lit synopsis
The desert is no place for a city girl, but when KAT MARKS' aunt asks her to spend the summer in rustic Moab, Utah, Kat can't say no. Her cousin is failing English and needs her help, she's been putting off a visit for years now and, most convincing of all, her best friend has just informed Kat she's in a rut. Kat prides herself on her sophistication, fashion sense, and fun–she can't be boring.
when I first read this I thought Kat's best friend was in the rut. You can clear this up by taking out the name "Kat's been informed she's in a rut. She prides herself on her sophistication, fashion sense, and fun--she can't be boring!" or "her close friends tell Kat she's in a rut" I also didn't realize Kat wasn't a teenager till the end of this.
Small-town Moab, self-proclaimed “Adventure Capitol of the World” couldn't be more different from Boston. Although Kat resists assimilation, her roommate advises a makeover from polished city chick to hip outdoors girl. Soon Kat's wearing quick-dry shorts and Chacos to work instead of skirts and heels, and going on camping trips and hikes for fun instead of shopping and visiting the gym.
AUNT SHEL provides Kat with a job manning the counter at Wet 'n Wild, her successful white water rafting company. When Shel suggests Kat go rafting, since she can't sell what she hasn't tried, she balks. Getting hot and wet might sound appealing, but not when it also involves mud and white water. To her horror, she loves the adrenaline rush of rafting. When she realizes a guiding job also entails hot guys, toned upper arms and a great tan, Kat convinces her skeptical aunt to let her become a guide. Before long, she's hefting sixteen-foot boats, fitting strangers for lifejackets, and maneuvering rafts through gnarly holes.
Although Kat keeps busy, even she has a day off occasionally. (she has a day off occcasionally) One afternoon, she heads to a beach along the Colorado River, where a startling sight greets her–a skinny-dipping, overly permed, eighty-one-year-old nursing home escapee. EULA is on a mission to do all the risky things she never tried. She begins dragging Kat along on sky diving appointments and overnight rafting trips–a source for contention between Kat and Eula's grandson GABE, who thinks Kat is encouraging his grandmother to risk her life. But when Kat's current summer fling fizzles, she finds herself interested in Gabe, despite the fact that this outdoorsy bike store owner is so not her type.
Just as Kat has begun to relax into her temporary life, she comes in to work one morning to find all the rafts slashed and learns that Wet 'n Wild's record summer has been marred by vandalism, including sugar in a gas tank and a break-in that left the cash register empty and in pieces. Although the police have filed numerous reports, they have no leads. Then Kat stops by one evening, and finds her cousin MICKEY crouched behind the Wet 'n Wild building with a gas can and a lighter.
Kat, an accomplished English teacher, had begun tutoring her cousin Mickey a few days after arriving in Moab. Their sessions had been rocky, considering he's twelve and has the attitude to go with the age, but she felt they'd made a connection. As their relationship grew, she learned of his sadness at having a father back in Boston and few friends in Moab, but until now she never understood the depth of his loneliness and hurt. The plan he reveals that evening shocks her: if the rafting company folds, his mom will return to Boston and get back with his dad. In his adolescent world, it makes perfect sense–too bad for him it would never happen.
Before Kat recovers from her disappointment in Mickey and her guilt at failing as a role model, Eula's latest stunt lands her in the hospital, and the ensuing argument between Kat and Gabe threatens to destroy their budding relationship.
Preoccupied by Mickey's vandalism, Eula's injury, and the fight with Gabe, Kat flips a raft full of tourists in a challenging rapid. Reality slams into her full on. The results–a tourist with a broken leg and several expensive cameras lost beneath the waves–make Kat realize she treated the summer like a game, and it's time to return to Boston before more people get hurt. She ends things with Gabe, says an awkward goodbye to her friends and family, and heads back home.
Her once-anticipated return to Boston is a disappointment. She feels distant, more like a tourist than a local, and she finds herself missing her life in Moab. After a disastrous dinner with her distant father, a successful politician she had once emulated, Kat realizes how much she has changed. In a fit of enthusiasm for a life that could be, she turns in her notice at the private academy where she teaches, secures an interview with Moab's school district, packs everything she owns, and takes off for Moab, not certain what awaits her, but sure that it will be anything but boring.
This is a crisp clean synopsis. There’s a hint of voice, enough about characters to get a sense of them and it’s not awash in extraneous detail.
What I’d look for in the novel is depth of character, some surprise twists to them.
The desert is no place for a city girl, but when KAT MARKS' aunt asks her to spend the summer in rustic Moab, Utah, Kat can't say no. Her cousin is failing English and needs her help, she's been putting off a visit for years now and, most convincing of all, her best friend has just informed Kat she's in a rut. Kat prides herself on her sophistication, fashion sense, and fun–she can't be boring.
when I first read this I thought Kat's best friend was in the rut. You can clear this up by taking out the name "Kat's been informed she's in a rut. She prides herself on her sophistication, fashion sense, and fun--she can't be boring!" or "her close friends tell Kat she's in a rut" I also didn't realize Kat wasn't a teenager till the end of this.
Small-town Moab, self-proclaimed “Adventure Capitol of the World” couldn't be more different from Boston. Although Kat resists assimilation, her roommate advises a makeover from polished city chick to hip outdoors girl. Soon Kat's wearing quick-dry shorts and Chacos to work instead of skirts and heels, and going on camping trips and hikes for fun instead of shopping and visiting the gym.
AUNT SHEL provides Kat with a job manning the counter at Wet 'n Wild, her successful white water rafting company. When Shel suggests Kat go rafting, since she can't sell what she hasn't tried, she balks. Getting hot and wet might sound appealing, but not when it also involves mud and white water. To her horror, she loves the adrenaline rush of rafting. When she realizes a guiding job also entails hot guys, toned upper arms and a great tan, Kat convinces her skeptical aunt to let her become a guide. Before long, she's hefting sixteen-foot boats, fitting strangers for lifejackets, and maneuvering rafts through gnarly holes.
Although Kat keeps busy, even she has a day off occasionally. (she has a day off occcasionally) One afternoon, she heads to a beach along the Colorado River, where a startling sight greets her–a skinny-dipping, overly permed, eighty-one-year-old nursing home escapee. EULA is on a mission to do all the risky things she never tried. She begins dragging Kat along on sky diving appointments and overnight rafting trips–a source for contention between Kat and Eula's grandson GABE, who thinks Kat is encouraging his grandmother to risk her life. But when Kat's current summer fling fizzles, she finds herself interested in Gabe, despite the fact that this outdoorsy bike store owner is so not her type.
Just as Kat has begun to relax into her temporary life, she comes in to work one morning to find all the rafts slashed and learns that Wet 'n Wild's record summer has been marred by vandalism, including sugar in a gas tank and a break-in that left the cash register empty and in pieces. Although the police have filed numerous reports, they have no leads. Then Kat stops by one evening, and finds her cousin MICKEY crouched behind the Wet 'n Wild building with a gas can and a lighter.
Kat, an accomplished English teacher, had begun tutoring her cousin Mickey a few days after arriving in Moab. Their sessions had been rocky, considering he's twelve and has the attitude to go with the age, but she felt they'd made a connection. As their relationship grew, she learned of his sadness at having a father back in Boston and few friends in Moab, but until now she never understood the depth of his loneliness and hurt. The plan he reveals that evening shocks her: if the rafting company folds, his mom will return to Boston and get back with his dad. In his adolescent world, it makes perfect sense–too bad for him it would never happen.
Before Kat recovers from her disappointment in Mickey and her guilt at failing as a role model, Eula's latest stunt lands her in the hospital, and the ensuing argument between Kat and Gabe threatens to destroy their budding relationship.
Preoccupied by Mickey's vandalism, Eula's injury, and the fight with Gabe, Kat flips a raft full of tourists in a challenging rapid. Reality slams into her full on. The results–a tourist with a broken leg and several expensive cameras lost beneath the waves–make Kat realize she treated the summer like a game, and it's time to return to Boston before more people get hurt. She ends things with Gabe, says an awkward goodbye to her friends and family, and heads back home.
Her once-anticipated return to Boston is a disappointment. She feels distant, more like a tourist than a local, and she finds herself missing her life in Moab. After a disastrous dinner with her distant father, a successful politician she had once emulated, Kat realizes how much she has changed. In a fit of enthusiasm for a life that could be, she turns in her notice at the private academy where she teaches, secures an interview with Moab's school district, packs everything she owns, and takes off for Moab, not certain what awaits her, but sure that it will be anything but boring.
This is a crisp clean synopsis. There’s a hint of voice, enough about characters to get a sense of them and it’s not awash in extraneous detail.
What I’d look for in the novel is depth of character, some surprise twists to them.
12.30.2005
That's all for today, Friday
We're on pace to finish up over the weekend, maybe the last few on Monday.
After we finish the synopsis I'm going to take some time off.
This sucked up a lot more time than I thought, but it's been worth it.
I hope it has for y'all too.
One of the things that has really amazed me is no one, not one single person has posted or emailed me with "Miss Snark you suck gym sox". Everyone has really sucked up the critiques and there have been some pretty brutal comments. "mess" "yuck" "yawn" are not words I'd want to see attached to my posts.
I salute you all, particularly those who got savaged, for real grace under pressure.
Thanks.
After we finish the synopsis I'm going to take some time off.
This sucked up a lot more time than I thought, but it's been worth it.
I hope it has for y'all too.
One of the things that has really amazed me is no one, not one single person has posted or emailed me with "Miss Snark you suck gym sox". Everyone has really sucked up the critiques and there have been some pretty brutal comments. "mess" "yuck" "yawn" are not words I'd want to see attached to my posts.
I salute you all, particularly those who got savaged, for real grace under pressure.
Thanks.
#69 Crapometer
Literary/Mainstream
If it isn’t quite a wonderful life, at least it’s a well appointed one. Until one morning Mar wakes to find her sense of duty has changed to cynicism.
Well bred, tractable and resigned, Marlene Reichmann-Stevens steers by auto-pilot in a world of people she tolerates, work that’s degenerated to paper pushing and wealth that traps her into soul-sucking social obligations. This morning, though, Mar is different and she doesn’t know why. It may be midlife crisis, critical mass or a nervous breakdown, but today she can no longer fool herself that running an importing firm inherited from her father, living in her childhood home married to the son of her father’s partner and continuing her parents’ civic involvements add up to anything but slow asphyxiation.
Navigating nannies, board meetings, five star restaurants and the trappings of life as a CEO, Mar hunts for something she cares about. Over lunch she tries to confide in her friend Lanya, who encourages her to embrace this new outlook and kick off constraints. But Mar is terrorized by the thought of all she stands to lose. Everything she has, everything she is, was defined by her father’s training and the stipulations of his will. She doesn’t know how to do without the structure he imposed and the social system to which she’s accustomed.
Mar’s tension builds as she goes through the motions of her day. At first she wonders where this change in her came from. By afternoon however, the need to find answers to the questions she’s suddenly willing to ask becomes far more crucial. The questions have been there all along but Mar hasn’t allowed herself to acknowledge them. Now memories she’s kept submerged in her effort to maintain normality rise to the surface and everything she’s built her life on looks tarnished.
do NOT tell me she remembers being abused or some such treacly thing. That's so five minutes ago.
Once Mar’s thoughts begin to fly out of Mar’s tight control, her behavior follows. Over the foie gras she becomes hysterical, laughing to the point of tears. At the Seattle Art Museum she kisses a man she’s only known an hour and snubs a politician’s wife. Convinced she’s going crazy, Mar draws on all the tricks and strategies gleaned from a life in business, forcing herself to concentrate on work. At quitting time the questions return as she faces the prospect that at home she’ll find her family life as empty as her professional.
Mar has tried to scrub the traces of her childhood pain from the house, but the unclouded vision of this day shows the classic structure is still stained with abuse, neglect, loss and fear. The life she’s been trying to lead here, with her husband and twin daughters, is beginning to follow the same dangerous patterns. At dinner the question Mar has been asking herself all day, “Who would I be if I left this life?” turns upside down and she asks instead, “Who will I become if I stay?” The answer to that question is clear – if she stays in her house, in her current life, she will be like that politician’s vacuous wife. Or worse, she’ll become her mother and ruin her children. Perhaps it’s already too late.
oh boy, abuse and neglect. yawn yawn yawn.
As night falls, Mar goes to bed devastated by what she’s just admitted to herself. Lying awake beside her oblivious husband she slowly resolves to act, convinced she has nothing to lose by taking a chance. She packs up her two small daughters and carries them out to a waiting taxi, anxious to get far away before she wakes to the enormity of what she’s doing and falls back into habit. Giddy with fear and anticipation, Mar directs the driver to the airport and watches the house and her half-dead past recede into darkness.
ok there’s the first chapter. Now what?
Don’t confuse a dawning realizatin that your life sux with action and conflict. It’s just the start. Now she’s got to actually do something, face the challenge, and change.
If it isn’t quite a wonderful life, at least it’s a well appointed one. Until one morning Mar wakes to find her sense of duty has changed to cynicism.
Well bred, tractable and resigned, Marlene Reichmann-Stevens steers by auto-pilot in a world of people she tolerates, work that’s degenerated to paper pushing and wealth that traps her into soul-sucking social obligations. This morning, though, Mar is different and she doesn’t know why. It may be midlife crisis, critical mass or a nervous breakdown, but today she can no longer fool herself that running an importing firm inherited from her father, living in her childhood home married to the son of her father’s partner and continuing her parents’ civic involvements add up to anything but slow asphyxiation.
Navigating nannies, board meetings, five star restaurants and the trappings of life as a CEO, Mar hunts for something she cares about. Over lunch she tries to confide in her friend Lanya, who encourages her to embrace this new outlook and kick off constraints. But Mar is terrorized by the thought of all she stands to lose. Everything she has, everything she is, was defined by her father’s training and the stipulations of his will. She doesn’t know how to do without the structure he imposed and the social system to which she’s accustomed.
Mar’s tension builds as she goes through the motions of her day. At first she wonders where this change in her came from. By afternoon however, the need to find answers to the questions she’s suddenly willing to ask becomes far more crucial. The questions have been there all along but Mar hasn’t allowed herself to acknowledge them. Now memories she’s kept submerged in her effort to maintain normality rise to the surface and everything she’s built her life on looks tarnished.
do NOT tell me she remembers being abused or some such treacly thing. That's so five minutes ago.
Once Mar’s thoughts begin to fly out of Mar’s tight control, her behavior follows. Over the foie gras she becomes hysterical, laughing to the point of tears. At the Seattle Art Museum she kisses a man she’s only known an hour and snubs a politician’s wife. Convinced she’s going crazy, Mar draws on all the tricks and strategies gleaned from a life in business, forcing herself to concentrate on work. At quitting time the questions return as she faces the prospect that at home she’ll find her family life as empty as her professional.
Mar has tried to scrub the traces of her childhood pain from the house, but the unclouded vision of this day shows the classic structure is still stained with abuse, neglect, loss and fear. The life she’s been trying to lead here, with her husband and twin daughters, is beginning to follow the same dangerous patterns. At dinner the question Mar has been asking herself all day, “Who would I be if I left this life?” turns upside down and she asks instead, “Who will I become if I stay?” The answer to that question is clear – if she stays in her house, in her current life, she will be like that politician’s vacuous wife. Or worse, she’ll become her mother and ruin her children. Perhaps it’s already too late.
oh boy, abuse and neglect. yawn yawn yawn.
As night falls, Mar goes to bed devastated by what she’s just admitted to herself. Lying awake beside her oblivious husband she slowly resolves to act, convinced she has nothing to lose by taking a chance. She packs up her two small daughters and carries them out to a waiting taxi, anxious to get far away before she wakes to the enormity of what she’s doing and falls back into habit. Giddy with fear and anticipation, Mar directs the driver to the airport and watches the house and her half-dead past recede into darkness.
ok there’s the first chapter. Now what?
Don’t confuse a dawning realizatin that your life sux with action and conflict. It’s just the start. Now she’s got to actually do something, face the challenge, and change.
#68 Crapomenter
Forgottonia's Soldier
Crime Fiction
Forgottonia's Soldier is a multiple-point-of-view crime novel that focuses on three characters: Lucinda "Lucy" Cole, a twenty-six-year-old part-time gas station clerk who is finishing up her bachelor's degree at Western Illinois University; Tom Barger, a thirty-two-year-old employee at Illinois Pork Products (IPP), a slaughterhouse; and Quince Thoroughgood, a twenty-one-year-old journalism student at Western.
The novel is set in the spring of 2003, at the beginning of the second war in Iraq. Lucy, who still lives at home with her parents, is going to graduate at the end of the semester, and her father, the purchasing director at IPP, has plans for her to join him at the slaughterhouse and work in human resources. She doesn't want the job and wants out of Macomb, a desolate region of west-central Illinois that was once dubbed Forgottonia.
At the beginning of the novel Lucy bumps into Quince Thoroughgood at a bar. She knows his face from the school newspaper, The Daily Leatherneck , where he writes a weekly column. Several reservists are drinking at the bar, talking about their impending deployment, and Lucy, lonely and desperate, buys Quince a drink and tells him she has a story he could use for his column: the deployment of her friend, Tom Barger. Lucy tells Quince that Tom is a single parent and his nine-year-old daughter, Jules, is going to live with her. None of this is true—Tom isn't a reservist and doesn't have a daughter—but Lucy likes the attention from Quince the story gets her.
Quince, who has high hopes for his journalism career and thinks Lucy's story could be a strong one, follows up with Lucy a few days later about the soldier. Lucy then manages to stage a meeting with Tom and Jules. She tells her friend Tom that she is making a documentary about the life of a soldier. She also borrows Jules, a home-schooled nine-year-old, from a neighbor, and tells the girl's parents that Jules is going to play the daughter of a soldier in her documentary. At the first meeting, Tom and Jules pose for photographs, and Quince interviews them. The story runs in the campus newspaper and several students write in comments about poor Tom and Jules.
Tom notices that there aren't any cameras around at the meeting, but he thinks there must be something legitimate about the whole ordeal, since there is a reporter present. He doesn't confront Jules about the lack of cameras.
Lucy likes the effects of her staging. She feels like she is accomplishing something, affecting people's lives, and she stays in touch with Quince. She suggests that he publish some of Jules' letters to her "Dad" and when Quince says it's a good idea, she writes the letters -- full of heartbreak and misspellings -- herself. The paper publishes them, and the reaction, again, is huge. Letters to the editor start bickering about Bush's policy in Iraq, about weapons of mass destruction, and about this poor girl Jules who could end up parentless.
As the next month progresses, Lucy sends e-mails to Quince, pretending to be Jules. Quince is touched by the girl's e-mails, even if he wants to use them to further his career. He ends up publishing a weekly column by nine-year-old Jules about the life of a soldier's daughter.
Because her fictional soldier is now supposedly in Iraq, Jules eventually feels a little trapped by her own story. She enjoys sending the e-mails, but with Tom deployed, there aren't any chances for photo ops and feature stories. So she decides that Tom is going to get a leave of absence to come home and visit his daughter. Quince brings along a cameraman, and Tom and Jules celebrate her tenth birthday together. Tom and Jules are still under the assumption that this is a movie, but don't see any cameramen. Lucy tells Jules that everyone -- all of the students walking by, the employees of the pizza joint where they go to eat -- is an actor, and that the cameras are everywhere. Tom is pretty certain that Lucy is making all of this up, but he doesn't know what the hoax would be, what Lucy could stand to gain. Quince writes an amazing piece and begins sending out his clips to prospective employers.
Summer, and Quince has landed a job in Peoria at The Journal Star. Lucy has graduated, but she is still working at the gas station, uncertain about what she's going to do next. Amid pressure from her father about beginning work at IPP, Lucy decides that the soldier Tom needs to die. She contacts Quince and tells him the heartbreaking news. Then she plans a funeral. Quince comes from Peoria, but reporters also come from the Chicago Tribune. The Tribune's reporters start to dig and find out there is no soldier named Tom Barger. Lucy's plan blows up. Jules' parents find out what Lucy has been using their daughter for. And Tom learns just what Lucy has been up to.
The sorting-out of events is a little rocky. People accuse Quince of being a co-conspirator. They also accuse Tom of being in on the hoax with Lucy. Jules, in the eyes of most of the media, appears to be the only true victim.
Ultimately, Lucy's caper, at the heart of Forgottonia's Soldier, examines the loneliness and ambition of a small group of Midwesterners amid the patriotic tumult of the spring of 2003.
Technically this isn’t crime fiction but that’s about the only thing wrong here.
Ths is a well executed synopis, with enough dtail to get a sense of the story. Given the rash of Jayson Blair like events this is probably topical enough to get some interest.
Crime Fiction
Forgottonia's Soldier is a multiple-point-of-view crime novel that focuses on three characters: Lucinda "Lucy" Cole, a twenty-six-year-old part-time gas station clerk who is finishing up her bachelor's degree at Western Illinois University; Tom Barger, a thirty-two-year-old employee at Illinois Pork Products (IPP), a slaughterhouse; and Quince Thoroughgood, a twenty-one-year-old journalism student at Western.
The novel is set in the spring of 2003, at the beginning of the second war in Iraq. Lucy, who still lives at home with her parents, is going to graduate at the end of the semester, and her father, the purchasing director at IPP, has plans for her to join him at the slaughterhouse and work in human resources. She doesn't want the job and wants out of Macomb, a desolate region of west-central Illinois that was once dubbed Forgottonia.
At the beginning of the novel Lucy bumps into Quince Thoroughgood at a bar. She knows his face from the school newspaper, The Daily Leatherneck , where he writes a weekly column. Several reservists are drinking at the bar, talking about their impending deployment, and Lucy, lonely and desperate, buys Quince a drink and tells him she has a story he could use for his column: the deployment of her friend, Tom Barger. Lucy tells Quince that Tom is a single parent and his nine-year-old daughter, Jules, is going to live with her. None of this is true—Tom isn't a reservist and doesn't have a daughter—but Lucy likes the attention from Quince the story gets her.
Quince, who has high hopes for his journalism career and thinks Lucy's story could be a strong one, follows up with Lucy a few days later about the soldier. Lucy then manages to stage a meeting with Tom and Jules. She tells her friend Tom that she is making a documentary about the life of a soldier. She also borrows Jules, a home-schooled nine-year-old, from a neighbor, and tells the girl's parents that Jules is going to play the daughter of a soldier in her documentary. At the first meeting, Tom and Jules pose for photographs, and Quince interviews them. The story runs in the campus newspaper and several students write in comments about poor Tom and Jules.
Tom notices that there aren't any cameras around at the meeting, but he thinks there must be something legitimate about the whole ordeal, since there is a reporter present. He doesn't confront Jules about the lack of cameras.
Lucy likes the effects of her staging. She feels like she is accomplishing something, affecting people's lives, and she stays in touch with Quince. She suggests that he publish some of Jules' letters to her "Dad" and when Quince says it's a good idea, she writes the letters -- full of heartbreak and misspellings -- herself. The paper publishes them, and the reaction, again, is huge. Letters to the editor start bickering about Bush's policy in Iraq, about weapons of mass destruction, and about this poor girl Jules who could end up parentless.
As the next month progresses, Lucy sends e-mails to Quince, pretending to be Jules. Quince is touched by the girl's e-mails, even if he wants to use them to further his career. He ends up publishing a weekly column by nine-year-old Jules about the life of a soldier's daughter.
Because her fictional soldier is now supposedly in Iraq, Jules eventually feels a little trapped by her own story. She enjoys sending the e-mails, but with Tom deployed, there aren't any chances for photo ops and feature stories. So she decides that Tom is going to get a leave of absence to come home and visit his daughter. Quince brings along a cameraman, and Tom and Jules celebrate her tenth birthday together. Tom and Jules are still under the assumption that this is a movie, but don't see any cameramen. Lucy tells Jules that everyone -- all of the students walking by, the employees of the pizza joint where they go to eat -- is an actor, and that the cameras are everywhere. Tom is pretty certain that Lucy is making all of this up, but he doesn't know what the hoax would be, what Lucy could stand to gain. Quince writes an amazing piece and begins sending out his clips to prospective employers.
Summer, and Quince has landed a job in Peoria at The Journal Star. Lucy has graduated, but she is still working at the gas station, uncertain about what she's going to do next. Amid pressure from her father about beginning work at IPP, Lucy decides that the soldier Tom needs to die. She contacts Quince and tells him the heartbreaking news. Then she plans a funeral. Quince comes from Peoria, but reporters also come from the Chicago Tribune. The Tribune's reporters start to dig and find out there is no soldier named Tom Barger. Lucy's plan blows up. Jules' parents find out what Lucy has been using their daughter for. And Tom learns just what Lucy has been up to.
The sorting-out of events is a little rocky. People accuse Quince of being a co-conspirator. They also accuse Tom of being in on the hoax with Lucy. Jules, in the eyes of most of the media, appears to be the only true victim.
Ultimately, Lucy's caper, at the heart of Forgottonia's Soldier, examines the loneliness and ambition of a small group of Midwesterners amid the patriotic tumult of the spring of 2003.
Technically this isn’t crime fiction but that’s about the only thing wrong here.
Ths is a well executed synopis, with enough dtail to get a sense of the story. Given the rash of Jayson Blair like events this is probably topical enough to get some interest.
#67 Crapometer
Mainstream Novel
Fault Lines
Life’s changes – even a tragedy that splits the solid bedrock of a family’s foundation – can propel those affected in new, rewarding directions. Three adult siblings - JOANNA, OLIVIA, and JASON STONER – learn this when their mother dies suddenly, releasing them from old accustomed roles and inspiring them to make new lives for themselves. Each finds that life’s adversity can stimulate growth.
Joanna, the perfect wife, mother, and economics professor, can’t remember when the magic drained out of her marriage. Kicking her principles out the door of Woodward Hall, she pursues a forbidden romance with a brilliant black graduate student. She soon finds herself on her own with two college-age daughters, wracked with guilt over destroying her marriage. But she musters her courage and wins a grant to travel abroad to study the economy of China, something she has always dreamed about.
they fire your ass for sleeping with students these days. particularly if they file sexual harrassment charges against you
Jason, a heavy-drinking contractor who discards beautiful women like empty beer bottles, injures himself in a bar brawl. In the hospital he becomes intrigued with a chubby nurse who falls miles short of his normal physical prerequisites. The nurse helps him conquer a lingering guilt over his mother’s death. When he attracts legal trouble, she again trusts in his good character. Horrified, he finds himself in love for the first time – with a girl who turns hearts, not heads. Letting go of his macho persona, he trades glamour for contentment.
cause of course if she's chubby, a hard drinking bar room brawler is just what she wants.
Olivia, the rock’n’roller, dyes her spiked hair turquoise, writes haunting music, and performs in Albuquerque’s bars and nightclubs. Feeling like the black sheep of the family, she takes in first a homeless cat, then a homeless girl. Glimpsing her younger self in the girl, she persists in trying to rescue her – even after the seventeen-year-old is busted for theft and prostitution. Then, diagnosed with lung cancer, Olivia fights an even larger battle. She shaves her head bald, dares the world to criticize, and creates music that keeps her memory alive after her death.
the days of anyone being shocked by a woman shaving her head are pretty much over, don't you think?
Fault Lines, set in Albuquerque, New Mexico, probes the sudden coming-of-age that accompanies the death of a parent. Beneath the guilt and sorrow felt by each sibling, new possibilities reveal themselves. Without Mom there to push them in the right direction, the three take their futures into their own hands – with some surprising results. They discover new strengths while reaffirming the bonds of family, commitment, and love. Together, they emerge onto solid ground.
this is a very crisp synopsis of a book you couldn’t pay me to read. It might be just me but the idea redemption/change is precipitated by who you sleep with (the first two examples) or illness is so over used that I just can’t imagine anything new to say about it.
On the other hand, you couldn’t pay me to read Nicholas Sparks or Bridges of Madison County, so this could be destined to make a mint.
Fault Lines
Life’s changes – even a tragedy that splits the solid bedrock of a family’s foundation – can propel those affected in new, rewarding directions. Three adult siblings - JOANNA, OLIVIA, and JASON STONER – learn this when their mother dies suddenly, releasing them from old accustomed roles and inspiring them to make new lives for themselves. Each finds that life’s adversity can stimulate growth.
Joanna, the perfect wife, mother, and economics professor, can’t remember when the magic drained out of her marriage. Kicking her principles out the door of Woodward Hall, she pursues a forbidden romance with a brilliant black graduate student. She soon finds herself on her own with two college-age daughters, wracked with guilt over destroying her marriage. But she musters her courage and wins a grant to travel abroad to study the economy of China, something she has always dreamed about.
they fire your ass for sleeping with students these days. particularly if they file sexual harrassment charges against you
Jason, a heavy-drinking contractor who discards beautiful women like empty beer bottles, injures himself in a bar brawl. In the hospital he becomes intrigued with a chubby nurse who falls miles short of his normal physical prerequisites. The nurse helps him conquer a lingering guilt over his mother’s death. When he attracts legal trouble, she again trusts in his good character. Horrified, he finds himself in love for the first time – with a girl who turns hearts, not heads. Letting go of his macho persona, he trades glamour for contentment.
cause of course if she's chubby, a hard drinking bar room brawler is just what she wants.
Olivia, the rock’n’roller, dyes her spiked hair turquoise, writes haunting music, and performs in Albuquerque’s bars and nightclubs. Feeling like the black sheep of the family, she takes in first a homeless cat, then a homeless girl. Glimpsing her younger self in the girl, she persists in trying to rescue her – even after the seventeen-year-old is busted for theft and prostitution. Then, diagnosed with lung cancer, Olivia fights an even larger battle. She shaves her head bald, dares the world to criticize, and creates music that keeps her memory alive after her death.
the days of anyone being shocked by a woman shaving her head are pretty much over, don't you think?
Fault Lines, set in Albuquerque, New Mexico, probes the sudden coming-of-age that accompanies the death of a parent. Beneath the guilt and sorrow felt by each sibling, new possibilities reveal themselves. Without Mom there to push them in the right direction, the three take their futures into their own hands – with some surprising results. They discover new strengths while reaffirming the bonds of family, commitment, and love. Together, they emerge onto solid ground.
this is a very crisp synopsis of a book you couldn’t pay me to read. It might be just me but the idea redemption/change is precipitated by who you sleep with (the first two examples) or illness is so over used that I just can’t imagine anything new to say about it.
On the other hand, you couldn’t pay me to read Nicholas Sparks or Bridges of Madison County, so this could be destined to make a mint.
#66 Crapometer
Genre: Fantasy
THE CHOICE
Jol trains to be a Predator mage to erase the shame of his halfcaste birth so he can earn his maternal family's acceptance. On graduation day, the day to achieve those dreams, he is outcasted (cast out) for refusing to kill a creature to take its magic. It is pregnant; the Predators don't care. They bind his ability to do Predator magic, leaving Jol with one recourse: the courts. If they believe him capable of being a Predator, they will grant a second chance. In Jol's mind, there is no other choice; he must be a Predator.
If he must be a predator, why won’t he do what predators must? I don’t understand the dilemma here.
An unholy ability, one Jol buried long ago, stirs--his soul can leave his unconscious body and move about as a ghost. Through this ability, Jol sees a Rapax mage with its female, human victim. He also sees strange tattoos on their foreheads: on its, that of the Dark Moon,
afterlife for the wicked; on hers, the opposite, the White Moon. When Jol wakens, he rescues the victim by injuring the Rapax with Rage--holy fire bequeathed by the White Moon. He is tired and in shock. When he is joined by the victim's twin brother Cat, a mage who sensed her danger, they take her to Cat's healer friend. The victim is dying, and the healer, due to pregnancy, cannot use magic. Cat leaves to find another healer while Jol rests.
When Jol wakes, Cat's friend is dead and the Rapax wears Cat's sister's skin, thus hidden from Rage. As it tortures Jol, Jol uses his ability to touch the concealed Rapax, then he uses Rage to kill it. Ill, Jol does not bury the bodies before Cat returns, and Cat breaks down from grief. Feeling responsible, Jol stays to help Cat recover.
In the following weeks, Jol discovers the Rapax's torture has destroyed his ability to use Rage. Worse, every time he sleeps, he is forced out of body to sites of other Rapax attacks. One Rapax and its skinflier--a toothy, stingray-like pet--sense Jol during these visitations: the Rapax tastes its father's magic in Jol's skin; the skinflier smells a Moon tattoo Jol can't see. Once Cat is better, Jol leaves and tries to repress everything but the desire to reach the courts--until this Rapax leaves one victim alive. Jol rushes to the rescue. It is a trap. He is captured and tortured for revenge. The Rapax also conducts its father's Moon-people experiments on Jol, never seeing the White Moon on its own forehead.
Zel, the Rapax's apprentice and helper in Jol's torture, reveals herself to a half-crazed Jol as an undercover Predator seeking to destroy all Rapax. Her rescue attempt of Jol fails, and as the Rapax prepares Zel for slaughter, Jol knows he must kill it. One magic is left to him, but it will strip him of his old dreams, of his old self. No choice. Jol stabs the Rapax and uses its blood to burn it, thus becoming a Rapax himself. It escapes, injured, but Zel lives.
Jol runs--from Cat who wants to heal him, from Zel whom he distrusts but Cat loves, but mostly from himself--and he stumbles into his past: his estranged, knight father. Father seeks an heir to train, a son he never told Jol about. When Cat finds Jol, Jol feels hope again.
Cat has a spell that can locate people, and once Cat locates his brother, Jol believes he can build a new life with his father and brother.
Zel's arrival later is less welcome; she needs Cat to locate her missing, adoptive father, whom she believes is in danger. Despite knowing Father's impatience and the great time and magic needed to ready the spell, Jol tells Cat to find Zel's father first. This causes Jol's father to depart, accusing Jol of deterring him out of pettiness. Meanwhile, Cat's spell uncovers Zel's father--dead.
Unwilling to give up on family, Jol combines his ability with Cat's spell to find and see his brother. Instead, he sees a sister: Zel. Father will never accept a daughter when he desires a knight heir, and he will never accept Jol, an imperfect son. At last, Jol sees his father as a chaser of ideals not reality. At last, Jol sees his father in himself: because of what she did, Jol cannot accept Zel either. She leaves unenlightened, and Jol leaves to forget her and
his past.
Neither Zel nor the Moons forget him. The White Moon reveals the world is dying. A White Moon-person must Choose how it will be reborn--and die for it. The Dark Moon desires to control the Choice. Jol learns he bears both Moons' marks and that both Moons seek to
influence him, because, thanks to the first Rapax's selective killing spree, Jol must make the Choice. If he refuses, the second Rapax--Zel's mentor--is next in line. Though Jol does not want to die, it is a way to do good, to die with a clean soul.
Before Jol can journey to the Choosing place, Zel captures him. She claims the Dark Moon uses him and gifts him with unholy abilities, and the only way to stop the Dark Moon's desire for destruction is to prevent it from choosing another. She refuses to listen to Jol, so he
attacks her to escape. She dodges, and he rips off her headband instead. Beneath lies the tattoo of the Dark Moon, and Jol understands: so afraid of the Dark Moon's corruption, she doesn't see she is already corrupted.
She imprisons Jol in living stone.
Now, Jol has ample time to reflect--on the people and beings who betrayed and used him, on lost dreams, on identity. He has been choiceless all his life, and he decides, when he escapes, he will be the one making the choices.
You're awash in detail here. When you create a new world, you have to give us enough context to pick up or understand the unfamiliar, but not have so much that it’s overwhelming. This was overwhelming for me; admittedly some of that is cause I don’t read the genre enough to recognize the basic vocabulary. What the hell is a mage anyway?
You’re doing the basic Quest format here. You can simply tell us who the hero is, and what his dilemma is and who opposes him, the culmination and resolution of the conflict. All the other stuff like the signs of the moons is detail that probably makes sense in the book but is extraneous here.
THE CHOICE
Jol trains to be a Predator mage to erase the shame of his halfcaste birth so he can earn his maternal family's acceptance. On graduation day, the day to achieve those dreams, he is outcasted (cast out) for refusing to kill a creature to take its magic. It is pregnant; the Predators don't care. They bind his ability to do Predator magic, leaving Jol with one recourse: the courts. If they believe him capable of being a Predator, they will grant a second chance. In Jol's mind, there is no other choice; he must be a Predator.
If he must be a predator, why won’t he do what predators must? I don’t understand the dilemma here.
An unholy ability, one Jol buried long ago, stirs--his soul can leave his unconscious body and move about as a ghost. Through this ability, Jol sees a Rapax mage with its female, human victim. He also sees strange tattoos on their foreheads: on its, that of the Dark Moon,
afterlife for the wicked; on hers, the opposite, the White Moon. When Jol wakens, he rescues the victim by injuring the Rapax with Rage--holy fire bequeathed by the White Moon. He is tired and in shock. When he is joined by the victim's twin brother Cat, a mage who sensed her danger, they take her to Cat's healer friend. The victim is dying, and the healer, due to pregnancy, cannot use magic. Cat leaves to find another healer while Jol rests.
When Jol wakes, Cat's friend is dead and the Rapax wears Cat's sister's skin, thus hidden from Rage. As it tortures Jol, Jol uses his ability to touch the concealed Rapax, then he uses Rage to kill it. Ill, Jol does not bury the bodies before Cat returns, and Cat breaks down from grief. Feeling responsible, Jol stays to help Cat recover.
In the following weeks, Jol discovers the Rapax's torture has destroyed his ability to use Rage. Worse, every time he sleeps, he is forced out of body to sites of other Rapax attacks. One Rapax and its skinflier--a toothy, stingray-like pet--sense Jol during these visitations: the Rapax tastes its father's magic in Jol's skin; the skinflier smells a Moon tattoo Jol can't see. Once Cat is better, Jol leaves and tries to repress everything but the desire to reach the courts--until this Rapax leaves one victim alive. Jol rushes to the rescue. It is a trap. He is captured and tortured for revenge. The Rapax also conducts its father's Moon-people experiments on Jol, never seeing the White Moon on its own forehead.
Zel, the Rapax's apprentice and helper in Jol's torture, reveals herself to a half-crazed Jol as an undercover Predator seeking to destroy all Rapax. Her rescue attempt of Jol fails, and as the Rapax prepares Zel for slaughter, Jol knows he must kill it. One magic is left to him, but it will strip him of his old dreams, of his old self. No choice. Jol stabs the Rapax and uses its blood to burn it, thus becoming a Rapax himself. It escapes, injured, but Zel lives.
Jol runs--from Cat who wants to heal him, from Zel whom he distrusts but Cat loves, but mostly from himself--and he stumbles into his past: his estranged, knight father. Father seeks an heir to train, a son he never told Jol about. When Cat finds Jol, Jol feels hope again.
Cat has a spell that can locate people, and once Cat locates his brother, Jol believes he can build a new life with his father and brother.
Zel's arrival later is less welcome; she needs Cat to locate her missing, adoptive father, whom she believes is in danger. Despite knowing Father's impatience and the great time and magic needed to ready the spell, Jol tells Cat to find Zel's father first. This causes Jol's father to depart, accusing Jol of deterring him out of pettiness. Meanwhile, Cat's spell uncovers Zel's father--dead.
Unwilling to give up on family, Jol combines his ability with Cat's spell to find and see his brother. Instead, he sees a sister: Zel. Father will never accept a daughter when he desires a knight heir, and he will never accept Jol, an imperfect son. At last, Jol sees his father as a chaser of ideals not reality. At last, Jol sees his father in himself: because of what she did, Jol cannot accept Zel either. She leaves unenlightened, and Jol leaves to forget her and
his past.
Neither Zel nor the Moons forget him. The White Moon reveals the world is dying. A White Moon-person must Choose how it will be reborn--and die for it. The Dark Moon desires to control the Choice. Jol learns he bears both Moons' marks and that both Moons seek to
influence him, because, thanks to the first Rapax's selective killing spree, Jol must make the Choice. If he refuses, the second Rapax--Zel's mentor--is next in line. Though Jol does not want to die, it is a way to do good, to die with a clean soul.
Before Jol can journey to the Choosing place, Zel captures him. She claims the Dark Moon uses him and gifts him with unholy abilities, and the only way to stop the Dark Moon's desire for destruction is to prevent it from choosing another. She refuses to listen to Jol, so he
attacks her to escape. She dodges, and he rips off her headband instead. Beneath lies the tattoo of the Dark Moon, and Jol understands: so afraid of the Dark Moon's corruption, she doesn't see she is already corrupted.
She imprisons Jol in living stone.
Now, Jol has ample time to reflect--on the people and beings who betrayed and used him, on lost dreams, on identity. He has been choiceless all his life, and he decides, when he escapes, he will be the one making the choices.
You're awash in detail here. When you create a new world, you have to give us enough context to pick up or understand the unfamiliar, but not have so much that it’s overwhelming. This was overwhelming for me; admittedly some of that is cause I don’t read the genre enough to recognize the basic vocabulary. What the hell is a mage anyway?
You’re doing the basic Quest format here. You can simply tell us who the hero is, and what his dilemma is and who opposes him, the culmination and resolution of the conflict. All the other stuff like the signs of the moons is detail that probably makes sense in the book but is extraneous here.
#65 Crapometer
Genre: Middle-grade fantasy
SUMMARY – THE CASTLE OF FEARS
Tony Quigley isn’t sure which is worse -- the monsters stalking him that no one else sees, or his obnoxious classmate, Marcus. Marcus is obnoxious, constantly insults Tony, and even steals an amulet from Tony’s twin sister Josephine. When Marcus insults Tony’s missing father, Tony’s hatred turns to rage. Later that evening, Marcus vanishes. Tony knows Marcus didn’t run away, but before he can do anything, the minotaur – a half-man, half-bull monster – captures Tony and Josephine and takes them to a jungle world far from home.
Tony and Josephine flee from the monster and wander deeper into the alien jungle, where they meet Doram, a lost solider. Doram agrees to lead them to his hometown and the Seer, the greatest magician in the world. Together they outwit the minotaur and reach Doram’s hometown of Spirah, a strange place of gaudy colors, alien people, and magic. They meet the Seer, but he refuses to send Tony and Josephine home until he rescues Marcus, who is held by the evil magician Malengogg in the Castle of Fears.
When the minotaur appears again, Tony is sure it will kill him, but instead the minotaur gives Tony a message: you must save him. Tony convinces himself that the minotaur is referring to his missing father, but in his heart he knows he's supposed to save Marcus. With the Seer’s blessing, Tony sets off to rescue the person he hates most. Despite his protests, Josephine and Doram insist on accompanying him.
They travel through Malengogg’s desolate realm to the gates of the castle. Doram and Tony fight a magic creature, while Josephine uses magic to open a portal into the castle. Doram realizes that Malengogg will notice the magic, so he creates a diversion with a series of magic spells. Tony and Josephine enter the castle unnoticed but unarmed.
The Castle of Fears is horrible – dark, confusing, lonely, and the words of crazed prisoners scream inside Tony’s head. But when he hears Marcus’s voice, he follows the words backward to Marcus’s prison. Marcus is as obnoxious as ever, to Tony’s irritation, and the rescuers become trapped as well, because soul-eating ghosts wander the halls at night.
While they wait for daybreak, Marcus tells about the horrors of the castle and Malengogg, including his encounter with the ghosts. He gives Josephine her amulet back, and she realizes it has powerful magic -- Malengogg’s true desire.
In the morning they attempt to escape, but Malengogg plays with them and leads them into his magic tower. Josephine recognizes Malengogg’s secret weapon, a scrying pool able to see anyone in any world. She wants to destroy it, but Tony prevents her from destroying the pool. Instead, he attempts to use it to contact his father, but before he succeeds, Malengogg interrupts him. The evil magician tries to win the amulet by guile and magic. When that fails, he offers Tony a choice -- to either rescue Marcus or to find his father. Tony rescues Marcus, and Josephine destroys the amulet and the scrying pool. Infuriated, Malengogg tries to kill them. They run, but are trapped until the minotaur appears and takes them to the Seer.
The Seer praises Tony for his strength, but Tony is ashamed. He asks about his father, but the Seer only says that their father is not on that world, but he challenges Tony to keep hoping and searching for his father.
The minotaur, mysterious as always, takes Tony, Josephine, and Marcus home -- as friends.
This is a good crisp synopsis. Are kids still reading stuff this obvious though? Didn’t Lemony Snicket make the world safe for middle grade irony?
SUMMARY – THE CASTLE OF FEARS
Tony Quigley isn’t sure which is worse -- the monsters stalking him that no one else sees, or his obnoxious classmate, Marcus. Marcus is obnoxious, constantly insults Tony, and even steals an amulet from Tony’s twin sister Josephine. When Marcus insults Tony’s missing father, Tony’s hatred turns to rage. Later that evening, Marcus vanishes. Tony knows Marcus didn’t run away, but before he can do anything, the minotaur – a half-man, half-bull monster – captures Tony and Josephine and takes them to a jungle world far from home.
Tony and Josephine flee from the monster and wander deeper into the alien jungle, where they meet Doram, a lost solider. Doram agrees to lead them to his hometown and the Seer, the greatest magician in the world. Together they outwit the minotaur and reach Doram’s hometown of Spirah, a strange place of gaudy colors, alien people, and magic. They meet the Seer, but he refuses to send Tony and Josephine home until he rescues Marcus, who is held by the evil magician Malengogg in the Castle of Fears.
When the minotaur appears again, Tony is sure it will kill him, but instead the minotaur gives Tony a message: you must save him. Tony convinces himself that the minotaur is referring to his missing father, but in his heart he knows he's supposed to save Marcus. With the Seer’s blessing, Tony sets off to rescue the person he hates most. Despite his protests, Josephine and Doram insist on accompanying him.
They travel through Malengogg’s desolate realm to the gates of the castle. Doram and Tony fight a magic creature, while Josephine uses magic to open a portal into the castle. Doram realizes that Malengogg will notice the magic, so he creates a diversion with a series of magic spells. Tony and Josephine enter the castle unnoticed but unarmed.
The Castle of Fears is horrible – dark, confusing, lonely, and the words of crazed prisoners scream inside Tony’s head. But when he hears Marcus’s voice, he follows the words backward to Marcus’s prison. Marcus is as obnoxious as ever, to Tony’s irritation, and the rescuers become trapped as well, because soul-eating ghosts wander the halls at night.
While they wait for daybreak, Marcus tells about the horrors of the castle and Malengogg, including his encounter with the ghosts. He gives Josephine her amulet back, and she realizes it has powerful magic -- Malengogg’s true desire.
In the morning they attempt to escape, but Malengogg plays with them and leads them into his magic tower. Josephine recognizes Malengogg’s secret weapon, a scrying pool able to see anyone in any world. She wants to destroy it, but Tony prevents her from destroying the pool. Instead, he attempts to use it to contact his father, but before he succeeds, Malengogg interrupts him. The evil magician tries to win the amulet by guile and magic. When that fails, he offers Tony a choice -- to either rescue Marcus or to find his father. Tony rescues Marcus, and Josephine destroys the amulet and the scrying pool. Infuriated, Malengogg tries to kill them. They run, but are trapped until the minotaur appears and takes them to the Seer.
The Seer praises Tony for his strength, but Tony is ashamed. He asks about his father, but the Seer only says that their father is not on that world, but he challenges Tony to keep hoping and searching for his father.
The minotaur, mysterious as always, takes Tony, Josephine, and Marcus home -- as friends.
This is a good crisp synopsis. Are kids still reading stuff this obvious though? Didn’t Lemony Snicket make the world safe for middle grade irony?
#64 Crapometer
Genre: thriller
Faithful Execution
For Emma Patchett, an innocent 26-year-old, what begins as a nerve-(w)racking State Dinner turns into tragedy. Emma, a junior scheduler on Vice President Veronica Diener’s staff, is seated next to the Norwegian Oil Minister at a banquet. Before the dessert plates are cleared away, the minister dies, a victim of poison.
I can tell you that unless the Oil Minister is a total pervert and insisted on sitting next to a young pretty girl, the protocol officers would not seat a junior staffer at the same table, let alone next to a cabinet minister.
The Norwegian minister was in the United States to negotiate an oil deal with the President, a deal the Vice President opposes. Emma soon believes the Vice President will do anything - even kill - to undo this deal and rise to power. The Saudis are manipulating the Vice President into assassinating the President to punish him for moving away from the Saudis politically and for brokering the oil agreement with Norway.
Emma's friend Lars Utgard, assistant to the minister, is implicated in his death. Emma tries to help Lars extricate himself with the reluctant assistance of her suitor, Secret Service Agent Christian Whittenberg.
As Emma gets too close to the truth, she is identified as a threat to the conspirators. The Saudis have recruited Emma's boss to act as a mole in the Vice President's office to ensure she does not double-cross her Saudi co-conspirators. Her boss becomes suspicious of Emma's interest and alerts the Saudi hit man who is helping the Vice President in her assassination plot.
To keep tabs on Emma, the hit man begins stalking her and her roommate. Emma survives two attempts on her life, once during her monthly flying lesson and once while walking with her boss. While attempting to elude the hit man's speeding car, her boss shoves Emma out of his way. She falls onto the curb and her boss is killed. Emma is briefly hospitalized.
Emma accompanies the Vice President to Norway to prepare for the President's upcoming visit, when the Vice President plans to poison the President.
Emma is kidnapped in Oslo by the Saudis. They plan to video Emma's execution, after forcing her to read a statement revealing the Vice President's involvement in the President's eventual poisoning death. If V.P. Diener keeps her end of the bargain, Emma will be quietly killed and her body hidden. If the Vice President double-crosses the Saudis, they will frame the Vice President for Emma's murder.
The Saudis fly Emma from Oslo to Tromsø, where Norway's new oil field is located. She is forced out of the plane in a tandem parachute jump and is transported to the Saudis' camp, where they have been spying on the off-shore oil rig. She smuggles a message to Lars, who reports her whereabouts to the Vice President.
Veronica Diener knows that Emma is held by the Saudis, but she does not know where. When Lars gives her Emma's location, she decides to rescue her to prevent the Saudis from having a hold on her for the rest of her life. She hires mercenaries to rescue Emma. They carry her by Zodiac to the oil rig, where they believe they are protecting her from her kidnappers by hiding her for the Vice President.
Emma escapes from the mercenaries by enlisting the help of the oil rig doctor. Feigning illness, Emma is flown by helicopter to the mainland, where the doctor and his wife hide her until Lars arrives from Oslo. While on Lars' motorcycle en route to the Tromsø airport, he and Emma are spotted by the kidnappers, who give chase.
Emma and Vice President Diener meet in the airport and have a major confrontation in the Ladies Room, with her Secret Service team outside. Once Vice President Diener learns that Emma knows about the President's poisoned medication, she resolves to avoid being brought to justice for her treason. She grabs a gun away from Secret Service Agent Christian Whittenberg, forcing a struggle in which she is killed.
This is a crisp clean synopsis. The book itself sounds good, and with female action heros, it has movie written all over it.
Faithful Execution
For Emma Patchett, an innocent 26-year-old, what begins as a nerve-(w)racking State Dinner turns into tragedy. Emma, a junior scheduler on Vice President Veronica Diener’s staff, is seated next to the Norwegian Oil Minister at a banquet. Before the dessert plates are cleared away, the minister dies, a victim of poison.
I can tell you that unless the Oil Minister is a total pervert and insisted on sitting next to a young pretty girl, the protocol officers would not seat a junior staffer at the same table, let alone next to a cabinet minister.
The Norwegian minister was in the United States to negotiate an oil deal with the President, a deal the Vice President opposes. Emma soon believes the Vice President will do anything - even kill - to undo this deal and rise to power. The Saudis are manipulating the Vice President into assassinating the President to punish him for moving away from the Saudis politically and for brokering the oil agreement with Norway.
Emma's friend Lars Utgard, assistant to the minister, is implicated in his death. Emma tries to help Lars extricate himself with the reluctant assistance of her suitor, Secret Service Agent Christian Whittenberg.
As Emma gets too close to the truth, she is identified as a threat to the conspirators. The Saudis have recruited Emma's boss to act as a mole in the Vice President's office to ensure she does not double-cross her Saudi co-conspirators. Her boss becomes suspicious of Emma's interest and alerts the Saudi hit man who is helping the Vice President in her assassination plot.
To keep tabs on Emma, the hit man begins stalking her and her roommate. Emma survives two attempts on her life, once during her monthly flying lesson and once while walking with her boss. While attempting to elude the hit man's speeding car, her boss shoves Emma out of his way. She falls onto the curb and her boss is killed. Emma is briefly hospitalized.
Emma accompanies the Vice President to Norway to prepare for the President's upcoming visit, when the Vice President plans to poison the President.
Emma is kidnapped in Oslo by the Saudis. They plan to video Emma's execution, after forcing her to read a statement revealing the Vice President's involvement in the President's eventual poisoning death. If V.P. Diener keeps her end of the bargain, Emma will be quietly killed and her body hidden. If the Vice President double-crosses the Saudis, they will frame the Vice President for Emma's murder.
The Saudis fly Emma from Oslo to Tromsø, where Norway's new oil field is located. She is forced out of the plane in a tandem parachute jump and is transported to the Saudis' camp, where they have been spying on the off-shore oil rig. She smuggles a message to Lars, who reports her whereabouts to the Vice President.
Veronica Diener knows that Emma is held by the Saudis, but she does not know where. When Lars gives her Emma's location, she decides to rescue her to prevent the Saudis from having a hold on her for the rest of her life. She hires mercenaries to rescue Emma. They carry her by Zodiac to the oil rig, where they believe they are protecting her from her kidnappers by hiding her for the Vice President.
Emma escapes from the mercenaries by enlisting the help of the oil rig doctor. Feigning illness, Emma is flown by helicopter to the mainland, where the doctor and his wife hide her until Lars arrives from Oslo. While on Lars' motorcycle en route to the Tromsø airport, he and Emma are spotted by the kidnappers, who give chase.
Emma and Vice President Diener meet in the airport and have a major confrontation in the Ladies Room, with her Secret Service team outside. Once Vice President Diener learns that Emma knows about the President's poisoned medication, she resolves to avoid being brought to justice for her treason. She grabs a gun away from Secret Service Agent Christian Whittenberg, forcing a struggle in which she is killed.
This is a crisp clean synopsis. The book itself sounds good, and with female action heros, it has movie written all over it.
#63 Crapometer
Young adult chick lit in email/instant message format.
REUNION
SYNOPSIS
After a two-week family reunion on the cape, sixteen-year-old MACY flies home to the Midwest and emails DYLAN, a seventeen-year-old native Cape Cod surfer. Macy and Dylan have promised, after their heated summer romance, that they will "wait" for each other. Macy's best friend, KATJA, feigns support, concerned about the possibility of Macy's long distance relationship. When Dylan finally e's Macy back, Katja points out his less-than-sincere tone. Macy is not oblivious to this, but assures Katja that Dylan is different, privately welcoming the drama. With the death of Macy's grandmother, her mom's recent mid-life crisis, and her parents' inevitable divorce, Macy ponders whether anyone can ever live a happy and fulfilled life anyway.
Dylan slowly invests himself in the relationship, bringing his own issues to the table. An old flame cries "baby!" which forces Dylan to vacillate between his heart and his head. His father insists he spend less time surfing, and more time working. In addition, his father's Ivy League expectations and his stepmom's shallow indulgences don't mesh with anything Dylan believes… everything his deceased mother stood for.
Macy misinterprets Dylan's slow pace and aggressive tone for disinterest, and resumes dating, even though she would rather be with Dylan. She also lands the lead in the school play, OUR TOWN. As Macy begins to find meaning in the lines, she shares them with Dylan, who learns that these very lines were some of his mother's own life truths.
Meanwhile, the baby is on its way, and Dylan must make some tough decisions. He is wowed by the poetic verses Macy emails to him, wowed by her artistic talents, and realizes that--WOW--he's in love with her. He makes a plan with best friend, SMASH, to take a road trip and surprise Macy, by sitting in the audience for her performance. What he sees instead, is Macy making out backstage with another guy.
In addition, Dylan's dad and stepmom are now expecting their own baby. Dylan hates his life more than ever. He's heartbroken and angry, and tries to avoid the pain by writing off his relationship with Macy and concentrating on the child who may or may not be his, despite his father's wish for him to sever all ties with the baby and her mother.
Macy is mad at Katja for being "right" about Dylan, and spends a lonely holiday season between her parents' two homes. She doubts she'll ever be able to afford to get back to the cape anyway, so she unleashes venomous, melodramatic attacks on Dylan via email/instant message/phone. Because she's miserable and feeling abandoned, she indulges in some unhealthy behaviors, one of which breaks her promise to Dylan. She knows immediately it is all wrong, because she still loves Dylan.
Smash encourages Dylan to either date other girls and forget the "psycho bitch" or just come out and tell Macy he loves her, but Dylan says he can't. After several weeks, Macy tricks Dylan into speaking to her again. Dylan tells Macy there's no such place as "Our Town". Life is more complicated than Grover's Corners and he believes happiness is surely there for the taking. After figuring out the child is not his, Dylan makes progress toward finding his own happiness, daring Macy to do the same. He tells his dad he won't be applying to law school on the east coast, but rather will move to the west coast to surf and study oceanography where Macy will be going to college too.
Katja and Macy make up, when Katja finally admits Dylan is good for Macy. Macy agonizes over her broken promise and how to tell Dylan. She takes a job earning enough money to return to the cape in the summer, where at long last she and Dylan finally reunite.
This is a pretty good synopsis. It’s crisp and clean, gives us a sense of the characters.
The problem of course is the book itself. There’s nothing remotely fresh or surprising here. Don’t mistake format (email exchange) for fresh content. The YA crowd is a whole lot more sophisticated and sardonic than this. And does anyone actually stage Our Town anymore? Last time I looked sixth graders were doing Rent.
REUNION
SYNOPSIS
After a two-week family reunion on the cape, sixteen-year-old MACY flies home to the Midwest and emails DYLAN, a seventeen-year-old native Cape Cod surfer. Macy and Dylan have promised, after their heated summer romance, that they will "wait" for each other. Macy's best friend, KATJA, feigns support, concerned about the possibility of Macy's long distance relationship. When Dylan finally e's Macy back, Katja points out his less-than-sincere tone. Macy is not oblivious to this, but assures Katja that Dylan is different, privately welcoming the drama. With the death of Macy's grandmother, her mom's recent mid-life crisis, and her parents' inevitable divorce, Macy ponders whether anyone can ever live a happy and fulfilled life anyway.
Dylan slowly invests himself in the relationship, bringing his own issues to the table. An old flame cries "baby!" which forces Dylan to vacillate between his heart and his head. His father insists he spend less time surfing, and more time working. In addition, his father's Ivy League expectations and his stepmom's shallow indulgences don't mesh with anything Dylan believes… everything his deceased mother stood for.
Macy misinterprets Dylan's slow pace and aggressive tone for disinterest, and resumes dating, even though she would rather be with Dylan. She also lands the lead in the school play, OUR TOWN. As Macy begins to find meaning in the lines, she shares them with Dylan, who learns that these very lines were some of his mother's own life truths.
Meanwhile, the baby is on its way, and Dylan must make some tough decisions. He is wowed by the poetic verses Macy emails to him, wowed by her artistic talents, and realizes that--WOW--he's in love with her. He makes a plan with best friend, SMASH, to take a road trip and surprise Macy, by sitting in the audience for her performance. What he sees instead, is Macy making out backstage with another guy.
In addition, Dylan's dad and stepmom are now expecting their own baby. Dylan hates his life more than ever. He's heartbroken and angry, and tries to avoid the pain by writing off his relationship with Macy and concentrating on the child who may or may not be his, despite his father's wish for him to sever all ties with the baby and her mother.
Macy is mad at Katja for being "right" about Dylan, and spends a lonely holiday season between her parents' two homes. She doubts she'll ever be able to afford to get back to the cape anyway, so she unleashes venomous, melodramatic attacks on Dylan via email/instant message/phone. Because she's miserable and feeling abandoned, she indulges in some unhealthy behaviors, one of which breaks her promise to Dylan. She knows immediately it is all wrong, because she still loves Dylan.
Smash encourages Dylan to either date other girls and forget the "psycho bitch" or just come out and tell Macy he loves her, but Dylan says he can't. After several weeks, Macy tricks Dylan into speaking to her again. Dylan tells Macy there's no such place as "Our Town". Life is more complicated than Grover's Corners and he believes happiness is surely there for the taking. After figuring out the child is not his, Dylan makes progress toward finding his own happiness, daring Macy to do the same. He tells his dad he won't be applying to law school on the east coast, but rather will move to the west coast to surf and study oceanography where Macy will be going to college too.
Katja and Macy make up, when Katja finally admits Dylan is good for Macy. Macy agonizes over her broken promise and how to tell Dylan. She takes a job earning enough money to return to the cape in the summer, where at long last she and Dylan finally reunite.
This is a pretty good synopsis. It’s crisp and clean, gives us a sense of the characters.
The problem of course is the book itself. There’s nothing remotely fresh or surprising here. Don’t mistake format (email exchange) for fresh content. The YA crowd is a whole lot more sophisticated and sardonic than this. And does anyone actually stage Our Town anymore? Last time I looked sixth graders were doing Rent.
#62 Crapometer
Genre: mainstream fiction
SYNOPSIS
The Photograph is a story of one man's journey toward self-acceptance. Like a French braid, it weaves themes of family, faith and friendship into a saga which touches three generations. It is the story of Paddy Quinn and the ghosts that haunt him.
Awakened by a phone call, Paddy is forced to face his troubled past. His son, Richard, wants to meet the father he's never known and plans to recognize him on the basis of a forty-two year old street photograph of a man in a borrowed suit. This proposed reunion sends Paddy's memory back to 1953 and the day he met Roslyn Price, a woman with a scheme that would alter the course of his life.
Paddy’s story unfolds as he relives his youth in the North End of Winnipeg. An unplanned pregnancy and a hasty marriage set Paddy on a course of self-destruction. Family secrets, illicit affairs, death and indiscretions chip away his faith in family, God and himself.
Roslyn’s ambitions push Paddy into an uncharacteristic charade. He borrows a suit in an attempt to impress a potential employer. A street photographer captures his image just after a disastrous job interview; the photograph becomes the only evidence of an ill-laid plan. Unbeknownst to Paddy, he has failed Roslyn’s final test.
Richard’s birth does little to save Paddy from himself. After Roslyn disappears with Richard, Paddy’s life melts into a haze of booze and regret.
Now a recovering alcoholic and terminally ill, Paddy‚’ world is rattled by Richard’s phone call. He reluctantly agrees to meet, if only to set the record straight. Recognizing his son from a distance, Paddy makes a split second decision to leave Richard a legacy - the father in The Photograph.
uh ok...what happens?
you’ve given us the beginning and set up the ending. To quote Clara Pell “Where’s the beef?"
There's nothing here that gives us a sense of voice, what the characters are like, what the pivotal moments are, what they learn, or fail to.
This is similar to flap copy. It’s not a synopsis in any meaningful sense.
SYNOPSIS
The Photograph is a story of one man's journey toward self-acceptance. Like a French braid, it weaves themes of family, faith and friendship into a saga which touches three generations. It is the story of Paddy Quinn and the ghosts that haunt him.
Awakened by a phone call, Paddy is forced to face his troubled past. His son, Richard, wants to meet the father he's never known and plans to recognize him on the basis of a forty-two year old street photograph of a man in a borrowed suit. This proposed reunion sends Paddy's memory back to 1953 and the day he met Roslyn Price, a woman with a scheme that would alter the course of his life.
Paddy’s story unfolds as he relives his youth in the North End of Winnipeg. An unplanned pregnancy and a hasty marriage set Paddy on a course of self-destruction. Family secrets, illicit affairs, death and indiscretions chip away his faith in family, God and himself.
Roslyn’s ambitions push Paddy into an uncharacteristic charade. He borrows a suit in an attempt to impress a potential employer. A street photographer captures his image just after a disastrous job interview; the photograph becomes the only evidence of an ill-laid plan. Unbeknownst to Paddy, he has failed Roslyn’s final test.
Richard’s birth does little to save Paddy from himself. After Roslyn disappears with Richard, Paddy’s life melts into a haze of booze and regret.
Now a recovering alcoholic and terminally ill, Paddy‚’ world is rattled by Richard’s phone call. He reluctantly agrees to meet, if only to set the record straight. Recognizing his son from a distance, Paddy makes a split second decision to leave Richard a legacy - the father in The Photograph.
uh ok...what happens?
you’ve given us the beginning and set up the ending. To quote Clara Pell “Where’s the beef?"
There's nothing here that gives us a sense of voice, what the characters are like, what the pivotal moments are, what they learn, or fail to.
This is similar to flap copy. It’s not a synopsis in any meaningful sense.
#61 Crapometer
Genre: Fantasy
In the Five Kingdoms of Rhadon, now united under a single king, two associations of mages exist under an uneasy truce. The author of the 'Diary of an Awkward Mage' is Valedon rha Kenui, member of the ruling body - the Ofran - of the weaker, the 'Black' Ishtar.
you’re missing some words here. This sentence doesn’t make sense.
Here’s how it reads to me: The author of (title) is (name), member of the ruling body of the weaker, the Black Ishtar.
And what’s a mage?
What ambitions Valendon held when he was elected have crumpled before the demands of bureaucracy, personified in Taslin, administrator of the academy of the Black.
There’s a reason we have you capitalize the names of characters. As of now I’m pretty confused about who is who and what is what.
When a new member to the Ofran has to be elected, Valendon begins to face not only his fellow members, but his own attitudes. He is shaken from his complacency by the gradual discovery that on the anniversary of the magic-assisted destruction of the vibrant city of Elechan, the
Black Ishtar will have to defend itself before the king. This anniversary lies (anniversaries do not lie, they occur; lie is a description of a physical place) a mere seven years from the beginning of his diary, too close to ignore, but too far in the future to take direct action.
To survive, the Black Ishtar needs to be unified in purpose; with a strong Ofran and an archmage well-versed in diplomacy. It must also be seen to eliminate favoritism and any breaking of those rules put in place to protect both members of the White Ishtar and the general population of the five kingdoms.
I have no idea what you are talking about here, none. this is not a good sign.
What Valendon finds instead is an archmage who takes little interest in the future of his Ishtar; six members of the Ofran - himself included - who should, for the sake of peace, not spend much time under the same roof; a library that is barred to all students; and an
Ishtar that lies in shambles. The newest member of the Ofran, Benvar, whom Valendon had
half-heartedly elected, makes his hand felt almost from the beginning, mostly by interfering in the trial of a personal friend, Yako fen Rhuad.
Valendon begins, as Taslin advises him, to change the Ishtar one mage at a time, ensuring fair trials for all that would be tested in their proficiency, restoring the Academy as a place of learning, and forming tentative bonds with mages across the five kingdoms, particularly with his fellow Ofran members Taslin and Itish.
His opponents in this quest are a group that call themselves the Mages of Dhia, who have their own vision of the future. They see themselves as superior within the Black, and almost succeed in driving Itish from the Ofran. Valendon manages to foil that plan, and succeeds in forging connections to Dhia of his own; but the Mages retaliate in collaboration with Benvar, forcing,the archmage to retire and the Ofran to choose between three, seemingly equally
unsuitable candidates, for the archmageship.
The diary ends with the uneasy election of Yako fen Rhuad to the position of archmage, a man upon whom the hopes of the Black Ishtar will rest, but whose election was not without misgivings.
Well, I’m totally at sea here. It’s like reading Greek..I recognize the letters but I don’t recognize the words.
When you create a world you’ve got to give us a framework. Without that, I don’t know
what you're talking about.
Here is how to start: The hero of the story is:
He faces a big problem. The problem is:
He gets advice about how to solve it from :
That advice is:
He gets conflicting advice from:
That advice is:
The hero faces a challenge from:
The challenger wants to do this to the hero:
The problem is resolved when:
From these sentences you have a framework.
You have to have ALL that information, pretty much in that order for me to understand what you’re talking about.
If I’d looked at this earlier I might have thought I didn’t get it cause I don’t read this genre, but we’re late enough in the line up that I know a mess when I see one even in fantasy.
In the Five Kingdoms of Rhadon, now united under a single king, two associations of mages exist under an uneasy truce. The author of the 'Diary of an Awkward Mage' is Valedon rha Kenui, member of the ruling body - the Ofran - of the weaker, the 'Black' Ishtar.
you’re missing some words here. This sentence doesn’t make sense.
Here’s how it reads to me: The author of (title) is (name), member of the ruling body of the weaker, the Black Ishtar.
And what’s a mage?
What ambitions Valendon held when he was elected have crumpled before the demands of bureaucracy, personified in Taslin, administrator of the academy of the Black.
There’s a reason we have you capitalize the names of characters. As of now I’m pretty confused about who is who and what is what.
When a new member to the Ofran has to be elected, Valendon begins to face not only his fellow members, but his own attitudes. He is shaken from his complacency by the gradual discovery that on the anniversary of the magic-assisted destruction of the vibrant city of Elechan, the
Black Ishtar will have to defend itself before the king. This anniversary lies (anniversaries do not lie, they occur; lie is a description of a physical place) a mere seven years from the beginning of his diary, too close to ignore, but too far in the future to take direct action.
To survive, the Black Ishtar needs to be unified in purpose; with a strong Ofran and an archmage well-versed in diplomacy. It must also be seen to eliminate favoritism and any breaking of those rules put in place to protect both members of the White Ishtar and the general population of the five kingdoms.
I have no idea what you are talking about here, none. this is not a good sign.
What Valendon finds instead is an archmage who takes little interest in the future of his Ishtar; six members of the Ofran - himself included - who should, for the sake of peace, not spend much time under the same roof; a library that is barred to all students; and an
Ishtar that lies in shambles. The newest member of the Ofran, Benvar, whom Valendon had
half-heartedly elected, makes his hand felt almost from the beginning, mostly by interfering in the trial of a personal friend, Yako fen Rhuad.
Valendon begins, as Taslin advises him, to change the Ishtar one mage at a time, ensuring fair trials for all that would be tested in their proficiency, restoring the Academy as a place of learning, and forming tentative bonds with mages across the five kingdoms, particularly with his fellow Ofran members Taslin and Itish.
His opponents in this quest are a group that call themselves the Mages of Dhia, who have their own vision of the future. They see themselves as superior within the Black, and almost succeed in driving Itish from the Ofran. Valendon manages to foil that plan, and succeeds in forging connections to Dhia of his own; but the Mages retaliate in collaboration with Benvar, forcing,the archmage to retire and the Ofran to choose between three, seemingly equally
unsuitable candidates, for the archmageship.
The diary ends with the uneasy election of Yako fen Rhuad to the position of archmage, a man upon whom the hopes of the Black Ishtar will rest, but whose election was not without misgivings.
Well, I’m totally at sea here. It’s like reading Greek..I recognize the letters but I don’t recognize the words.
When you create a world you’ve got to give us a framework. Without that, I don’t know
what you're talking about.
Here is how to start: The hero of the story is:
He faces a big problem. The problem is:
He gets advice about how to solve it from :
That advice is:
He gets conflicting advice from:
That advice is:
The hero faces a challenge from:
The challenger wants to do this to the hero:
The problem is resolved when:
From these sentences you have a framework.
You have to have ALL that information, pretty much in that order for me to understand what you’re talking about.
If I’d looked at this earlier I might have thought I didn’t get it cause I don’t read this genre, but we’re late enough in the line up that I know a mess when I see one even in fantasy.
#60 Crapometer
Genre: Romantic Suspense
On Thursday, Isabelle, a librarian, runs into Sam, a NYC detective, and they argue about the incessant noise of her car alarm. This sets the tone for their relationship: mutual attraction tempered by frustration. Isabelle, a newcomer to NYC, has complete trust in the goodness of mankind, but is reticent to let people, especially men, get close to her. Sam, who has warm relationships with people he knows well, has seen too much violence and crime to trust the general public.
Ok, I’m sorry, but I hate her. HATE HER. Car alarms are the bane of civilization. Mayor Mike wants to ban them. I totally agree. If this dame has a car alarm, I hate her.
Later that evening, Grace Weldon, the President of the Council for the Preservation of New York History, is murdered at the Van Roemer House, a historic museum located in the Williams River Park. While walking her dogs the next morning, Isabelle finds the body wrapped in a carpet. Sam and Aisha, his partner, are the detectives investigating the murder.
If you set this in a real city, NYC, why are you making up parks that don't exist? We have a very nice one here very suitable for bodies. We call it Central Park.
The primary suspect is Grace's husband, although the detectives are interested in Edward Ridgely, the curator of the museum, who is out of town on vacation. Later that week, two girls riding in the park find the body of Coral Jennings, who has a connection with both Arthur Weldon and Edward Ridgely.
While Sam and Aisha work on a coded letter found in Jennings's apartment, Isabelle uses her skills to investigate the connection between the murders and the museum. Sam and Isabelle attend a fundraiser at the museum and snoop around the house. Both Ridgely and Weldon are in attendance. At the party, two men meet in a secluded corner to discuss the removal of certain antiques from the house, the two murders, and the investigation.
Yea, that's where I do my best criminal schemeing: public parties.
After a follow up visit to the Jennings crime scene, Sam discovers DNA evidence, but does not have enough probable cause to request a sample from either of the two main suspects. Sam and Aisha continue their investigation which leads them to Arliss Weatherfield, the interim President of the CPNYH, and Martha Vanderleer, a long time member of Council. During an interview, Martha tells Aisha that Grace's grandmother used to be the Van Roemer housekeeper when the family was still living in the house.
Arliss returns home early from a trip to surprise her lover. Her lover, however, surprises her because he planned on using her absence to steal a necklace he had given her. The necklace is part of the inventory stolen from the Van Roemer House. When he finds her home, he murders her and stages it to look like a random burglary.
When the body is discovered and it is determined that Arliss's husband has a rock solid alibi, Sam and Aisha are called in. They find DNA evidence at the crime scene, which matches the DNA from the Jennings murder.
Based on her research, Isabelle believes that there is a secret passage in the Van Roemer House and during a field trip discovers the hidden entrance. She returns later that afternoon and investigates. While she is in the house, it is locked up and she sneaks through the attic to the entrance into the curator's section of the house. Snooping through a desk in Ridgely's study, she finds pictures of antique furniture and jewelry. She is caught by Ridgely. His plans to murder her and dispose of her body are interrupted by a phone call, so he ties her to a chair, to deal with later.
Boy, you'd think this guy had never seen a B-movie before. You never leave anyone tied up to deal with later.
Ridgely meets with his partner at the storage locker where the stolen antiques are being housed. The partner decides that Ridgely is a risk he is unwilling to accept and murders him. He then goes to the museum to deal with Isabelle and destroy any evidence tying him to the murders and stolen property.
Sam, following up on Isabelle's phone message, rescues her and decides to hide her at his parents' house so she can't get further involved in the investigation. Isabelle is told she can not leave the house unless accompanied by one of his family members. Isabelle and Sam are followed to his parents’ house and Ridgely's partner places an accomplice on the street to watch the house.
The next morning, Isabelle joins Sam's sister on a shopping trip. While browsing through an antique store, Isabelle notices a man outside who was in one of the pictures she saw at Ridgley's. She leaves the store to confront him, feeling safe on the crowded streets. The man pushes her into a waiting vehicle.
She deserves whatever she gets for being stupid. Sadly, I think she's the "heroine" so she gets to live.
Sam's sister tracks him down at Ridgely's murder scene to tell him what happened to Isabelle. Meanwhile, Isabelle secretly uses her cell phone to dial 911 and give them information on her location. The cops eventually track her down to a storage facility in Queens. After a confrontation, Karl Marxsen, Ridgley's partner, is wounded and Isabelle is again rescued by a pissed off Sam.
Yea, I’d be pissed off too. First she has a car alarm, now she needs rescuing all the time.
Sam and Aisha connect the details of the investigation and determine that Grace's grandmother left a diary that mentioned antiques being hidden in the house during the stock market crash in 1929. Grace made a list of the antiques, which was accidentally mailed to Ridgely. Ridgely, realizing the importance of the list, located the secret room where they were hidden and contacted Karl Marxsen to help him sell them. Marxsen murdered Grace when she found him at the house removing the antiques.
Ridgley murdered Coral Jennings because she saw him in NYC when he was supposed to be out of town. He murdered Arliss Weatherfield because she messed up his plans to get back the necklace.
Sam’s and Isabelle’s plans to finally make love fizzle when Sam realizes that Isabelle still doesn't trust him. At this point in their relationship, Sam expects Isabelle to have overcome her trust issues. Isabelle's friend, Sophia, and Sam's sister, Reilly, conspire to get the couple back together and Sam and Isabelle live somewhat happily ever after. While this is a romance and "happily ever after" is expected, it is also a contemporary and relationships take a lot of hard work and are filled with ups and downs.
You’ve fallen into the “event list” trap here and given us no real sense of character. People are dropping like flies here; the body count is a little high for anything I’d call romantic suspense.
And you’ve got nothing fresh here: victim tied to chair, accidental lists, jewel robberies, yawn yawn yawn. One of the the things you’ll hear agents say about what they look for is “something that surprises me”. This doesn’t.
I'm really really tired of weak ass women who need to be rescued all the time.
Plus..there’s that car alarm.
On Thursday, Isabelle, a librarian, runs into Sam, a NYC detective, and they argue about the incessant noise of her car alarm. This sets the tone for their relationship: mutual attraction tempered by frustration. Isabelle, a newcomer to NYC, has complete trust in the goodness of mankind, but is reticent to let people, especially men, get close to her. Sam, who has warm relationships with people he knows well, has seen too much violence and crime to trust the general public.
Ok, I’m sorry, but I hate her. HATE HER. Car alarms are the bane of civilization. Mayor Mike wants to ban them. I totally agree. If this dame has a car alarm, I hate her.
Later that evening, Grace Weldon, the President of the Council for the Preservation of New York History, is murdered at the Van Roemer House, a historic museum located in the Williams River Park. While walking her dogs the next morning, Isabelle finds the body wrapped in a carpet. Sam and Aisha, his partner, are the detectives investigating the murder.
If you set this in a real city, NYC, why are you making up parks that don't exist? We have a very nice one here very suitable for bodies. We call it Central Park.
The primary suspect is Grace's husband, although the detectives are interested in Edward Ridgely, the curator of the museum, who is out of town on vacation. Later that week, two girls riding in the park find the body of Coral Jennings, who has a connection with both Arthur Weldon and Edward Ridgely.
While Sam and Aisha work on a coded letter found in Jennings's apartment, Isabelle uses her skills to investigate the connection between the murders and the museum. Sam and Isabelle attend a fundraiser at the museum and snoop around the house. Both Ridgely and Weldon are in attendance. At the party, two men meet in a secluded corner to discuss the removal of certain antiques from the house, the two murders, and the investigation.
Yea, that's where I do my best criminal schemeing: public parties.
After a follow up visit to the Jennings crime scene, Sam discovers DNA evidence, but does not have enough probable cause to request a sample from either of the two main suspects. Sam and Aisha continue their investigation which leads them to Arliss Weatherfield, the interim President of the CPNYH, and Martha Vanderleer, a long time member of Council. During an interview, Martha tells Aisha that Grace's grandmother used to be the Van Roemer housekeeper when the family was still living in the house.
Arliss returns home early from a trip to surprise her lover. Her lover, however, surprises her because he planned on using her absence to steal a necklace he had given her. The necklace is part of the inventory stolen from the Van Roemer House. When he finds her home, he murders her and stages it to look like a random burglary.
When the body is discovered and it is determined that Arliss's husband has a rock solid alibi, Sam and Aisha are called in. They find DNA evidence at the crime scene, which matches the DNA from the Jennings murder.
Based on her research, Isabelle believes that there is a secret passage in the Van Roemer House and during a field trip discovers the hidden entrance. She returns later that afternoon and investigates. While she is in the house, it is locked up and she sneaks through the attic to the entrance into the curator's section of the house. Snooping through a desk in Ridgely's study, she finds pictures of antique furniture and jewelry. She is caught by Ridgely. His plans to murder her and dispose of her body are interrupted by a phone call, so he ties her to a chair, to deal with later.
Boy, you'd think this guy had never seen a B-movie before. You never leave anyone tied up to deal with later.
Ridgely meets with his partner at the storage locker where the stolen antiques are being housed. The partner decides that Ridgely is a risk he is unwilling to accept and murders him. He then goes to the museum to deal with Isabelle and destroy any evidence tying him to the murders and stolen property.
Sam, following up on Isabelle's phone message, rescues her and decides to hide her at his parents' house so she can't get further involved in the investigation. Isabelle is told she can not leave the house unless accompanied by one of his family members. Isabelle and Sam are followed to his parents’ house and Ridgely's partner places an accomplice on the street to watch the house.
The next morning, Isabelle joins Sam's sister on a shopping trip. While browsing through an antique store, Isabelle notices a man outside who was in one of the pictures she saw at Ridgley's. She leaves the store to confront him, feeling safe on the crowded streets. The man pushes her into a waiting vehicle.
She deserves whatever she gets for being stupid. Sadly, I think she's the "heroine" so she gets to live.
Sam's sister tracks him down at Ridgely's murder scene to tell him what happened to Isabelle. Meanwhile, Isabelle secretly uses her cell phone to dial 911 and give them information on her location. The cops eventually track her down to a storage facility in Queens. After a confrontation, Karl Marxsen, Ridgley's partner, is wounded and Isabelle is again rescued by a pissed off Sam.
Yea, I’d be pissed off too. First she has a car alarm, now she needs rescuing all the time.
Sam and Aisha connect the details of the investigation and determine that Grace's grandmother left a diary that mentioned antiques being hidden in the house during the stock market crash in 1929. Grace made a list of the antiques, which was accidentally mailed to Ridgely. Ridgely, realizing the importance of the list, located the secret room where they were hidden and contacted Karl Marxsen to help him sell them. Marxsen murdered Grace when she found him at the house removing the antiques.
Ridgley murdered Coral Jennings because she saw him in NYC when he was supposed to be out of town. He murdered Arliss Weatherfield because she messed up his plans to get back the necklace.
Sam’s and Isabelle’s plans to finally make love fizzle when Sam realizes that Isabelle still doesn't trust him. At this point in their relationship, Sam expects Isabelle to have overcome her trust issues. Isabelle's friend, Sophia, and Sam's sister, Reilly, conspire to get the couple back together and Sam and Isabelle live somewhat happily ever after. While this is a romance and "happily ever after" is expected, it is also a contemporary and relationships take a lot of hard work and are filled with ups and downs.
You’ve fallen into the “event list” trap here and given us no real sense of character. People are dropping like flies here; the body count is a little high for anything I’d call romantic suspense.
And you’ve got nothing fresh here: victim tied to chair, accidental lists, jewel robberies, yawn yawn yawn. One of the the things you’ll hear agents say about what they look for is “something that surprises me”. This doesn’t.
I'm really really tired of weak ass women who need to be rescued all the time.
Plus..there’s that car alarm.
#59 Crapometer
Genre: Literary fiction,
SYNOPSIS: THE HIBISCUS AIRPORT
Love is an illogical dynamic for a family who uses a windfall to start a restaurant in Melbourne. (that sentence is meaningless) Working together, they reason, will serve everyone’s needs—especially Moses, and even though the money was sent to him, he is not consulted about its disposal. When a rapid turnover of chefs necessitates finding the right person, Bonbon is hired to make the restaurant successful. (is he hired as a chef?)
When Bonbon left his palatial home in the foothills of the Himalayas, the last thing he needed was to become part of a family, least of all, one that did not wish to know anything about his missing wife, Hibiscus, who is also sibling to Moses. The villagers who knew her say that she has turned into a fearsome goddess. His presence in Melbourne is the result of his desire to write her biography—a change of career for someone who has been a drug dealer and gun-for-hire.
Villagers? surely you don’t mean people in Melbourne? Missing wife, wants to write her biography, ex gun for hire. It’s like you’re throwing every element of the story at us here with no context, and this is only paragraph 2.
Bonbon would prefer to go back to his old life but has begun a self-serving relationship with Lillith—he still hopes to change old patterns of behavior, ones that he believes to be the root of his being abandoned by the wife. (this sentence contradicts itselt completely) He takes on a position as chef in the new restaurant to further uncover Hibiscus’ past but experiences hostility from family members. (since they hired him this doesn’t make sense) When everyone takes advantage of Moses’ supposedly delusional nature, (huh?) Bonbon feels duty-bound to intervene. (why)??Self-taught expertise in herbal medicine is put to use in ‘healing’ but Bonbon pays little attention to his own growing headache.
The power of the eccentric matriarch ElsieMaw is limited by her daughters, strong women—the alcoholic Anu and the love-victimized Lillith.(love victimized?) There are the twins as well, one of whom seems to have inherited the DNA of the mysterious Hibiscus—represented as a vibrant character whose story weaves through the novel as a first person unreliable narrator, and whose version of events creates more mystery than it explains.
If Hibiscus is the main character you might want to give her her own paragraph and talk about her.
Bonbon’s distaste for city living and the demands of the whacky opinionated family drive him to breaking his own code of conduct (which is?) and he exploits his discovery that Moses’ wife has an underground life as a prostitute by using it as a lever to stop her husband being declared insane.(wtf??) The family does not thank him for his contributions—Anu has gone on the wagon with his help—and blames him for everything that goes wrong. On the brighter side, he sees in the older twin, Kia, a potential artist in the same class as his lost wife.
I’ve stopped reading here. This is a jumble of events without context or flow.
When an anonymous complaint to the police results in Moses being beaten up, Bonbon feels responsible. He decides to go back to India for a holiday and to rethink his involvement with the family. However, he collapses enroute and is diagnosed as terminally ill.
the police beat Moses up?
When the family do not hear back from Bonbon, they assume he is not coming back and the smooth running of the restaurant starts (to) fray. Anu leaves her husband and starts drinking again; Moses’ wife broadcasts her intention of suing them for monies stolen from her husband—owing to her in the event of an impending divorce. The twins leave home and when Kia sets up as an artist, she is visited by troubling co-incidences that draw her to the relative she has come to know as Hibiscus.
Since his mother taunts him with police involvement for a runaway wife, Moses is rarely home. During his meanderings he meets a ‘spirit’ called Hibiscus who leads him through various adventures, one of which is a surreal killing of his mother.
After this emotionally-freeing adventure, Moses becomes a happy vagrant and survives as a street comedian. He falls in with a group of women who take him on as a guru. When he is accused of seducing a young girl, this venture ends up badly and he has to leave his temporary ‘paradise’.
Meanwhile, the family have received an expenses-paid invitation from Bonbon to visit him in India (I thought he was terminally ill) and as part of their travel itinerary, the twins take Moses bicycling on mountain paths in the Himalayas. They find that he has changed and shows no signs of needing medication.
The family are happy to be welcomed into a haven of financial security even though this is tainted by Bonbon’s rapid deterioration and Moses’ intention to stay on in his new home. For a man who is a loner, Bonbon finds himself in debt to the family that gather around him and amid rumors that the goddess is seeking human blood, it is Kia who he asks to carry out euthanasia.
It will have become obvious that the goddess Hibiscus and Kia are somehow merged, and while Bonbon’s death might seem to the whim of a bloodthirsty goddess, at journey’s end, Bonbon has arrived at a kind of satori and a deeper experience of being human. He has also left Kia with the means to continue, under the auspices of the goddess, an exploration of the connection between art and reality that was begun a long time ago.
Furthermore, the moral framework of the novel examines the sacrifices made for love and the extent to which deviations from what is considered normal behavior are tolerated in its name.
You’ve mistaken listing a lot of detailed events for “what happens”. What happens (I think) is that the unfortunately named BonBon a former criminal wants to redeem himself by writing about his wife who has become a spirit. Along the way he meets a troubled family in Melbourne. And so on..
You have to give us a framework for the events you mention or it’s just a list.
You mention Hibiscus only in passing but it’s clear she’s a major character.
You've got sentences that contradict themselves, and what was said before.
This is a mess. It might be a good novel but this sure doesn’t show it.
SYNOPSIS: THE HIBISCUS AIRPORT
Love is an illogical dynamic for a family who uses a windfall to start a restaurant in Melbourne. (that sentence is meaningless) Working together, they reason, will serve everyone’s needs—especially Moses, and even though the money was sent to him, he is not consulted about its disposal. When a rapid turnover of chefs necessitates finding the right person, Bonbon is hired to make the restaurant successful. (is he hired as a chef?)
When Bonbon left his palatial home in the foothills of the Himalayas, the last thing he needed was to become part of a family, least of all, one that did not wish to know anything about his missing wife, Hibiscus, who is also sibling to Moses. The villagers who knew her say that she has turned into a fearsome goddess. His presence in Melbourne is the result of his desire to write her biography—a change of career for someone who has been a drug dealer and gun-for-hire.
Villagers? surely you don’t mean people in Melbourne? Missing wife, wants to write her biography, ex gun for hire. It’s like you’re throwing every element of the story at us here with no context, and this is only paragraph 2.
Bonbon would prefer to go back to his old life but has begun a self-serving relationship with Lillith—he still hopes to change old patterns of behavior, ones that he believes to be the root of his being abandoned by the wife. (this sentence contradicts itselt completely) He takes on a position as chef in the new restaurant to further uncover Hibiscus’ past but experiences hostility from family members. (since they hired him this doesn’t make sense) When everyone takes advantage of Moses’ supposedly delusional nature, (huh?) Bonbon feels duty-bound to intervene. (why)??Self-taught expertise in herbal medicine is put to use in ‘healing’ but Bonbon pays little attention to his own growing headache.
The power of the eccentric matriarch ElsieMaw is limited by her daughters, strong women—the alcoholic Anu and the love-victimized Lillith.(love victimized?) There are the twins as well, one of whom seems to have inherited the DNA of the mysterious Hibiscus—represented as a vibrant character whose story weaves through the novel as a first person unreliable narrator, and whose version of events creates more mystery than it explains.
If Hibiscus is the main character you might want to give her her own paragraph and talk about her.
Bonbon’s distaste for city living and the demands of the whacky opinionated family drive him to breaking his own code of conduct (which is?) and he exploits his discovery that Moses’ wife has an underground life as a prostitute by using it as a lever to stop her husband being declared insane.(wtf??) The family does not thank him for his contributions—Anu has gone on the wagon with his help—and blames him for everything that goes wrong. On the brighter side, he sees in the older twin, Kia, a potential artist in the same class as his lost wife.
I’ve stopped reading here. This is a jumble of events without context or flow.
When an anonymous complaint to the police results in Moses being beaten up, Bonbon feels responsible. He decides to go back to India for a holiday and to rethink his involvement with the family. However, he collapses enroute and is diagnosed as terminally ill.
the police beat Moses up?
When the family do not hear back from Bonbon, they assume he is not coming back and the smooth running of the restaurant starts (to) fray. Anu leaves her husband and starts drinking again; Moses’ wife broadcasts her intention of suing them for monies stolen from her husband—owing to her in the event of an impending divorce. The twins leave home and when Kia sets up as an artist, she is visited by troubling co-incidences that draw her to the relative she has come to know as Hibiscus.
Since his mother taunts him with police involvement for a runaway wife, Moses is rarely home. During his meanderings he meets a ‘spirit’ called Hibiscus who leads him through various adventures, one of which is a surreal killing of his mother.
After this emotionally-freeing adventure, Moses becomes a happy vagrant and survives as a street comedian. He falls in with a group of women who take him on as a guru. When he is accused of seducing a young girl, this venture ends up badly and he has to leave his temporary ‘paradise’.
Meanwhile, the family have received an expenses-paid invitation from Bonbon to visit him in India (I thought he was terminally ill) and as part of their travel itinerary, the twins take Moses bicycling on mountain paths in the Himalayas. They find that he has changed and shows no signs of needing medication.
The family are happy to be welcomed into a haven of financial security even though this is tainted by Bonbon’s rapid deterioration and Moses’ intention to stay on in his new home. For a man who is a loner, Bonbon finds himself in debt to the family that gather around him and amid rumors that the goddess is seeking human blood, it is Kia who he asks to carry out euthanasia.
It will have become obvious that the goddess Hibiscus and Kia are somehow merged, and while Bonbon’s death might seem to the whim of a bloodthirsty goddess, at journey’s end, Bonbon has arrived at a kind of satori and a deeper experience of being human. He has also left Kia with the means to continue, under the auspices of the goddess, an exploration of the connection between art and reality that was begun a long time ago.
Furthermore, the moral framework of the novel examines the sacrifices made for love and the extent to which deviations from what is considered normal behavior are tolerated in its name.
You’ve mistaken listing a lot of detailed events for “what happens”. What happens (I think) is that the unfortunately named BonBon a former criminal wants to redeem himself by writing about his wife who has become a spirit. Along the way he meets a troubled family in Melbourne. And so on..
You have to give us a framework for the events you mention or it’s just a list.
You mention Hibiscus only in passing but it’s clear she’s a major character.
You've got sentences that contradict themselves, and what was said before.
This is a mess. It might be a good novel but this sure doesn’t show it.
#58 Crapometer
Genre: Multi-cultural comedy (this is chick lit)
Nisha Desai is a young woman living in Ahmedabad, India. She has a Masters in English and a father who worships the rupee. She must get a job--Papa gets her paycheck--or get married. Papa regularly supplies horrible, horoscope-approved suitors for her and her vinegary sister Vinita. Ma rubber-stamps them.
Since her family has no influence, and little money, getting a decent teaching job is highly unlikely. Getting a decent husband, given the choices, is impossible. Failure to achieve either will mean being tossed to Papa's fundamentalist political party to do volunteer work.
Then comes a fateful phone call. A long-lost aunt living in the US is coming to visit with her two daughters. This is influence with a capital $, and Nisha sees a bright future ahead if she can impress her aunt with her need for a Green-card-holding husband or, failing that, get her aunt to bankroll further education in the US.
While cleaning the basement to make room for the visitors, Nisha finds a photograph of a nurse and two babies. This lays the groundwork for a belief on Vinita's part that they were adopted. Nisha can't convince her otherwise.
A neighbor provides Nisha with a backup plan in the form of a rich and handsome relative from America. He will be arriving in Ahmedabad soon, and the neighbor has chosen Nisha to be one of the matrimonial prospects he will interview. Nisha's fantasies take wing.
The American relatives arrive. The aunt is a New Age space case who converses with the family's neem tree, and the daughters are, respectively, a teen with a bad attitude, and an idealistic college student. Worse, Ma doesn't like her American sister. Undaunted, Nisha sets out to impress the visitors.
There are problems. The cousins and India don't mix well. Problems begin with a lack of toilet paper and move on to a lack of water as the taps go dry. The latter so incenses the older cousin that she organizes a protest. This lands the four young women in jail. Nisha sees her reputation go down the drain, but at least she's in tight with the cousins.
Released on bribe, lesson unlearned, the cousins take up the cause of a neighbor who has been rejected by a girl's parents, and teach him courtship Hollywood rom-com style.
When the family attends the wedding of Papa's boss, they are horrified to see not only the groom arriving on a white horse, but also the neighbor. A melee ensues, the lavish wedding is demolished, and the neighbor elopes on horseback with the bride. Papa is fired. Nisha and Vinita would be sleeping with the dog if the family had one. Worse, Vinita has uncovered more evidence and is truly obsessed with the adoption theory.
Poverty is gathering on the horizon when the cousins play a prank on Papa, making him think a wandering cow will bring him good fortune. The prank morphs into a religious experience when Papa and a fellow party member spread the word about the cow's magical properties. Soon crowds are arriving to buy bits of enchanted dung and tiny bottles of cow urine. People are convinced the cow is a reincarnation of Kamadhenu, a divine cow of Hindu mythology.
The business expands along with the cow's growing fame, but when Papa rashly makes a prediction that the cow will bring back the water, monsoon failure or no, Nisha sees disaster looming.
Only by blackmailing the manager of the water facility does she ensure the cow will succeed. Water arrives on time, and the rupees flow in like a river. While none of the money comes to Nisha, she feels the family will finally have influence.
Vinita has sold her computer to pay for a DNA test kit to prove parentage or a lack of it, and enlists Nisha's aid in obtaining samples. Nisha wonders if she will inherit insanity too.
The American suitor arrives, but the monsoon has made the toilet door stick, and Nisha spends several frantic minutes locked in while the suitor and his mother wait downstairs. She finally emerges a disheveled mess, and the suitor opts out.
As consolation, the cousins take Nisha to a party, the first one she's ever attended. An instant wallflower, she's rescued by a nice young man she knows from college. He offers to take her home. But he has a wolfish interior, so Nisha chooses to walk. Hours later, she arrives home drenched. Ma is infuriated, and takes it out on the aunt. The aunt announces they will be leaving in the morning. The last of Nisha's dreams crashes.
Vinita gets the results of the DNA test. They are half orphans, for while Ma is their mother, Papa isn't their father. Confronted with the evidence, Ma confesses. Papa overhears, blows up, and leaves with the cow. Free at last, Ma makes plans to live with the real father of the sisters. Vinita accuses her of being a hypocrite and moves out. Nisha watches in disbelief as the family comes apart.
Ma takes her to meet her real father, who is much nicer than Papa. He surprises her by offering her a chance to teach English in China, at wages far higher than she would get in India. Suddenly Nisha finds the future bright, if a little scary.
You had me enthralled right up to Papa not being papa. Then it was “wtf”?? I might believe one kid was a love child, but two? And this guy pops in out of left field, a rom-com version of aliens in chapter 14. Only if he is present throughout the book, even if he’s only a minor character, would this work.
I’m a total sucker for these kind of screwball comedy novels, and even more, for novels about India. If you had five good pages to lure me, I’d read this.
Nisha Desai is a young woman living in Ahmedabad, India. She has a Masters in English and a father who worships the rupee. She must get a job--Papa gets her paycheck--or get married. Papa regularly supplies horrible, horoscope-approved suitors for her and her vinegary sister Vinita. Ma rubber-stamps them.
Since her family has no influence, and little money, getting a decent teaching job is highly unlikely. Getting a decent husband, given the choices, is impossible. Failure to achieve either will mean being tossed to Papa's fundamentalist political party to do volunteer work.
Then comes a fateful phone call. A long-lost aunt living in the US is coming to visit with her two daughters. This is influence with a capital $, and Nisha sees a bright future ahead if she can impress her aunt with her need for a Green-card-holding husband or, failing that, get her aunt to bankroll further education in the US.
While cleaning the basement to make room for the visitors, Nisha finds a photograph of a nurse and two babies. This lays the groundwork for a belief on Vinita's part that they were adopted. Nisha can't convince her otherwise.
A neighbor provides Nisha with a backup plan in the form of a rich and handsome relative from America. He will be arriving in Ahmedabad soon, and the neighbor has chosen Nisha to be one of the matrimonial prospects he will interview. Nisha's fantasies take wing.
The American relatives arrive. The aunt is a New Age space case who converses with the family's neem tree, and the daughters are, respectively, a teen with a bad attitude, and an idealistic college student. Worse, Ma doesn't like her American sister. Undaunted, Nisha sets out to impress the visitors.
There are problems. The cousins and India don't mix well. Problems begin with a lack of toilet paper and move on to a lack of water as the taps go dry. The latter so incenses the older cousin that she organizes a protest. This lands the four young women in jail. Nisha sees her reputation go down the drain, but at least she's in tight with the cousins.
Released on bribe, lesson unlearned, the cousins take up the cause of a neighbor who has been rejected by a girl's parents, and teach him courtship Hollywood rom-com style.
When the family attends the wedding of Papa's boss, they are horrified to see not only the groom arriving on a white horse, but also the neighbor. A melee ensues, the lavish wedding is demolished, and the neighbor elopes on horseback with the bride. Papa is fired. Nisha and Vinita would be sleeping with the dog if the family had one. Worse, Vinita has uncovered more evidence and is truly obsessed with the adoption theory.
Poverty is gathering on the horizon when the cousins play a prank on Papa, making him think a wandering cow will bring him good fortune. The prank morphs into a religious experience when Papa and a fellow party member spread the word about the cow's magical properties. Soon crowds are arriving to buy bits of enchanted dung and tiny bottles of cow urine. People are convinced the cow is a reincarnation of Kamadhenu, a divine cow of Hindu mythology.
The business expands along with the cow's growing fame, but when Papa rashly makes a prediction that the cow will bring back the water, monsoon failure or no, Nisha sees disaster looming.
Only by blackmailing the manager of the water facility does she ensure the cow will succeed. Water arrives on time, and the rupees flow in like a river. While none of the money comes to Nisha, she feels the family will finally have influence.
Vinita has sold her computer to pay for a DNA test kit to prove parentage or a lack of it, and enlists Nisha's aid in obtaining samples. Nisha wonders if she will inherit insanity too.
The American suitor arrives, but the monsoon has made the toilet door stick, and Nisha spends several frantic minutes locked in while the suitor and his mother wait downstairs. She finally emerges a disheveled mess, and the suitor opts out.
As consolation, the cousins take Nisha to a party, the first one she's ever attended. An instant wallflower, she's rescued by a nice young man she knows from college. He offers to take her home. But he has a wolfish interior, so Nisha chooses to walk. Hours later, she arrives home drenched. Ma is infuriated, and takes it out on the aunt. The aunt announces they will be leaving in the morning. The last of Nisha's dreams crashes.
Vinita gets the results of the DNA test. They are half orphans, for while Ma is their mother, Papa isn't their father. Confronted with the evidence, Ma confesses. Papa overhears, blows up, and leaves with the cow. Free at last, Ma makes plans to live with the real father of the sisters. Vinita accuses her of being a hypocrite and moves out. Nisha watches in disbelief as the family comes apart.
Ma takes her to meet her real father, who is much nicer than Papa. He surprises her by offering her a chance to teach English in China, at wages far higher than she would get in India. Suddenly Nisha finds the future bright, if a little scary.
You had me enthralled right up to Papa not being papa. Then it was “wtf”?? I might believe one kid was a love child, but two? And this guy pops in out of left field, a rom-com version of aliens in chapter 14. Only if he is present throughout the book, even if he’s only a minor character, would this work.
I’m a total sucker for these kind of screwball comedy novels, and even more, for novels about India. If you had five good pages to lure me, I’d read this.
12.29.2005
Why Miss Snark is Ignoring You
Yes you.
You who sent me emails this week with questions.
The emails that never get answered.
Does Miss Snark not love you anymore?
Does Miss Snark not care about your problems?
well, no, and no.
Miss Snark is on a mission to Save the Synopsis.
No questions this week. NONE.
If you emailed me a question, or put it in the comments trail you're going to have to send it again next week.
I'm not reading them, saving the, keeping track of them.
The only good part about that is I'm also not keeping track of the nitwits who send them.
Oh, and that's all for tonight.
As you can see, I'm crabby.
And I've heard that Mr. Clooney is dating Lucy Liu which just drives me to drink.
I'm off to read about Raymond Chandler. I'm in the mood for noir.
You who sent me emails this week with questions.
The emails that never get answered.
Does Miss Snark not love you anymore?
Does Miss Snark not care about your problems?
well, no, and no.
Miss Snark is on a mission to Save the Synopsis.
No questions this week. NONE.
If you emailed me a question, or put it in the comments trail you're going to have to send it again next week.
I'm not reading them, saving the, keeping track of them.
The only good part about that is I'm also not keeping track of the nitwits who send them.
Oh, and that's all for tonight.
As you can see, I'm crabby.
And I've heard that Mr. Clooney is dating Lucy Liu which just drives me to drink.
I'm off to read about Raymond Chandler. I'm in the mood for noir.
#57 Crapometer
Imp: Being the Lost Journal of Rufus Hiram Griswold
In the Matter of the Death of Edgar Allan Poe.
Genre: Crime (Gothic-Noir)
(A) What if one of the greatest mysteries in American literary history was finally solved?
The last days of Edgar Allan Poe are shrouded in the unknown. The poverty stricken poet leaves Richmond, where he has just announced his engagement to a wealthy widow.
He boards a steamer on September 27, 1849 bound for New York. Poe never arrives. Missing for a week, the poet is discovered delirious and disheveled in the gutters of Baltimore. Feverish, and incoherent he dies in the predawn hours of Oct. 7th, 1849. His last utterances “Reynolds! Reynolds!” and a pathetic “Lord save my poor soul.”
Now, newly discovered, the lost journals of Poe's universally despised literary executor, Rufus Hiram Griswold, reveal the violence, desperation, and horror of that fatal week. Poe and his fierce literary rival, Griswold, are thrown together by the visions of an ether-sniffing poetess, and spiritualist, Mrs. Helen Whitman, herself once the object of Poe's affections (B) A Gothic-Noir tale unfolds in an investigation that leads
through all the superstition, and brutishness of ante-bellum American society.
You break the action to describe it. Either put (B) up with (A) or leave it out.
On a fool's errand Griswold meets the Richmond boat in Baltimore. Poe is carried down the gangway shrouded in canvass and apparently dead, stabbed during a drunken confrontation in the boat's gentleman's cabin.
Griswold's mission to fulfill Mrs. Whitman's plea and save the man's soul is over before it has begun. But there, on the rainy wharf, Griswold discovers, with the help of a freedman known as Jupiter, that Poe is not dead, but in a trance. The two revive Poe and a frightening journey begins.
Poe sees his child bride, Virginia, dead two years past, passing in the crowded street. She looks back at him and though he struggles to follow her, she disappears into the mob. Is the vision true, or merely a trick of Poe's delirium? Griswold is skeptical, but Jupiter has seen the White Bride too, and a fateful search begins, with the specter of the nefarious mesmerist, Dr. Rennelle Fox always haunting their steps.
(D) Leading the trio through warrens of child-prostitution, opium dens, and the slave pens of America's then second largest city, Griswold serves as an unwilling Watson, recording the dire events that lead each of the men to their own destinies. Jupiter seeks to free his wife and child from the grasp of the notorious Beelz Gang, who kidnap emancipated slaves in the North and re-sell them in the South. Griswold, a former Baptist minister, struggles to keep his faith in God, and his own sanity, as the trail leads deeper into places where reality, and rational thought is challenged by the malevolence of the era.
Poe searches for Virginia, racked by guilt. Married to Sissy when she was but thirteen-years old, Eddy had watched her dying of consumption, and seeking to save her, made a sinful bargain. Poe had allowed Dr. Fox to place Virginia in a trance that would stay death's touch, only to discover his bride's body stolen from her crypt. Now, two years later, he has seen her again, and must save her from the netherworld -neither dead, nor alive.
But where is Virginia, and where is Fox? (C) The quest leads the unlikely trio -a dissolute drunk, a prim man of the cloth, and a despised former slave into a story that parallels many of Poe's darkest tales and poems. Imp of the Perverse, The Fall of the House of Usher, Premature Burial, Ligea, Ullalume, Bon Bon, even The Gold Bug, all the stories become clues and guide the men in the search. Body snatching, dissection, perversion, and the pseudo-sciences of the age all the signs lead to Baltimore's old Washington Hospital where the final confrontation takes place.
Paragraphs C and D say pretty much the same thing. Either combine them or take one out. By putting action between them, your synopsis loses flow.
Poe has his friends bury him in the public cemetery adjacent to the hospital, hoping that Fox's men will exhume his corpse and unknowingly deliver it to Fox's lair. The ruse works but only barely, as the grave robbers arrive late to do their unholy deed.
Face to face Dr. Fox at last, the men battle for their souls. Is Fox a villain, or the devil himself? Jupiter manages to kill Fox's henchmen and save his family. Griswold protects Virginia while Poe struggles with Fox. The mesmerist wounds him repeatedly, but Poe seems unaffected and using a sword concealed in his Malachite cane, kills Fox.
Releasing Virginia from her hypnotic trance, Poe and his friends look on as death, two years delayed, destroys the young woman in an orgy of pent-up decay. Poe, expecting such a result, weeps and thanks God for this release of her soul. Then Jupiter, keeping a bargain he had made with Poe when they met on the Richmond to Baltimore steamer, administers a drug (scopolamine) to Poe, freeing the poet from the trance he has been in the entire time. Griswold is horrified. The truth is now revealed.
Poe was indeed dead that first day when Griswold met his canvass-shrouded arrival on the wharf. Maintained by Jupiter's knowledge of arcane Haitian rites, Poe had agreed to help the freedman find his family and Jupiter had delayed Poe's final demise. Now as his postponed fate catches up to him in degrees, Poe slips into an incurable delirium. But, before he is completely incoherent, he makes Griswold promise to tell this disturbing tale.
Griswold thus writes this journal of Poe's final days. Still, fearing society's condemnation will destroy Poe's legacy, he hides the manuscript and instead writes the public obituary for Poe, denouncing the writer as a drunk womanizer and opium addict, hoping that others will be
distracted by that slander, deflected from Poe's greatest sin, his unholy bargain with Dr. Rennelle Fox.
Later biographers denounce Griswold as a character assassin, but never do stumble upon the truth, and never realize that Poe calls out in his final agonies, not Reynolds!” but rather, “Renard! Reid!” French for Fox
Griswold thus sacrifices his own reputation and saves Poe from posterity's condemnation.
It needs some pruning and re organizing but otherwise this is good.
I’d read it.
In the Matter of the Death of Edgar Allan Poe.
Genre: Crime (Gothic-Noir)
(A) What if one of the greatest mysteries in American literary history was finally solved?
The last days of Edgar Allan Poe are shrouded in the unknown. The poverty stricken poet leaves Richmond, where he has just announced his engagement to a wealthy widow.
He boards a steamer on September 27, 1849 bound for New York. Poe never arrives. Missing for a week, the poet is discovered delirious and disheveled in the gutters of Baltimore. Feverish, and incoherent he dies in the predawn hours of Oct. 7th, 1849. His last utterances “Reynolds! Reynolds!” and a pathetic “Lord save my poor soul.”
Now, newly discovered, the lost journals of Poe's universally despised literary executor, Rufus Hiram Griswold, reveal the violence, desperation, and horror of that fatal week. Poe and his fierce literary rival, Griswold, are thrown together by the visions of an ether-sniffing poetess, and spiritualist, Mrs. Helen Whitman, herself once the object of Poe's affections (B) A Gothic-Noir tale unfolds in an investigation that leads
through all the superstition, and brutishness of ante-bellum American society.
You break the action to describe it. Either put (B) up with (A) or leave it out.
On a fool's errand Griswold meets the Richmond boat in Baltimore. Poe is carried down the gangway shrouded in canvass and apparently dead, stabbed during a drunken confrontation in the boat's gentleman's cabin.
Griswold's mission to fulfill Mrs. Whitman's plea and save the man's soul is over before it has begun. But there, on the rainy wharf, Griswold discovers, with the help of a freedman known as Jupiter, that Poe is not dead, but in a trance. The two revive Poe and a frightening journey begins.
Poe sees his child bride, Virginia, dead two years past, passing in the crowded street. She looks back at him and though he struggles to follow her, she disappears into the mob. Is the vision true, or merely a trick of Poe's delirium? Griswold is skeptical, but Jupiter has seen the White Bride too, and a fateful search begins, with the specter of the nefarious mesmerist, Dr. Rennelle Fox always haunting their steps.
(D) Leading the trio through warrens of child-prostitution, opium dens, and the slave pens of America's then second largest city, Griswold serves as an unwilling Watson, recording the dire events that lead each of the men to their own destinies. Jupiter seeks to free his wife and child from the grasp of the notorious Beelz Gang, who kidnap emancipated slaves in the North and re-sell them in the South. Griswold, a former Baptist minister, struggles to keep his faith in God, and his own sanity, as the trail leads deeper into places where reality, and rational thought is challenged by the malevolence of the era.
Poe searches for Virginia, racked by guilt. Married to Sissy when she was but thirteen-years old, Eddy had watched her dying of consumption, and seeking to save her, made a sinful bargain. Poe had allowed Dr. Fox to place Virginia in a trance that would stay death's touch, only to discover his bride's body stolen from her crypt. Now, two years later, he has seen her again, and must save her from the netherworld -neither dead, nor alive.
But where is Virginia, and where is Fox? (C) The quest leads the unlikely trio -a dissolute drunk, a prim man of the cloth, and a despised former slave into a story that parallels many of Poe's darkest tales and poems. Imp of the Perverse, The Fall of the House of Usher, Premature Burial, Ligea, Ullalume, Bon Bon, even The Gold Bug, all the stories become clues and guide the men in the search. Body snatching, dissection, perversion, and the pseudo-sciences of the age all the signs lead to Baltimore's old Washington Hospital where the final confrontation takes place.
Paragraphs C and D say pretty much the same thing. Either combine them or take one out. By putting action between them, your synopsis loses flow.
Poe has his friends bury him in the public cemetery adjacent to the hospital, hoping that Fox's men will exhume his corpse and unknowingly deliver it to Fox's lair. The ruse works but only barely, as the grave robbers arrive late to do their unholy deed.
Face to face Dr. Fox at last, the men battle for their souls. Is Fox a villain, or the devil himself? Jupiter manages to kill Fox's henchmen and save his family. Griswold protects Virginia while Poe struggles with Fox. The mesmerist wounds him repeatedly, but Poe seems unaffected and using a sword concealed in his Malachite cane, kills Fox.
Releasing Virginia from her hypnotic trance, Poe and his friends look on as death, two years delayed, destroys the young woman in an orgy of pent-up decay. Poe, expecting such a result, weeps and thanks God for this release of her soul. Then Jupiter, keeping a bargain he had made with Poe when they met on the Richmond to Baltimore steamer, administers a drug (scopolamine) to Poe, freeing the poet from the trance he has been in the entire time. Griswold is horrified. The truth is now revealed.
Poe was indeed dead that first day when Griswold met his canvass-shrouded arrival on the wharf. Maintained by Jupiter's knowledge of arcane Haitian rites, Poe had agreed to help the freedman find his family and Jupiter had delayed Poe's final demise. Now as his postponed fate catches up to him in degrees, Poe slips into an incurable delirium. But, before he is completely incoherent, he makes Griswold promise to tell this disturbing tale.
Griswold thus writes this journal of Poe's final days. Still, fearing society's condemnation will destroy Poe's legacy, he hides the manuscript and instead writes the public obituary for Poe, denouncing the writer as a drunk womanizer and opium addict, hoping that others will be
distracted by that slander, deflected from Poe's greatest sin, his unholy bargain with Dr. Rennelle Fox.
Later biographers denounce Griswold as a character assassin, but never do stumble upon the truth, and never realize that Poe calls out in his final agonies, not Reynolds!” but rather, “Renard! Reid!” French for Fox
Griswold thus sacrifices his own reputation and saves Poe from posterity's condemnation.
It needs some pruning and re organizing but otherwise this is good.
I’d read it.
#56 Crapometer
FICTION
What Katy hears first upon arriving in Moose Tooth, where residents there typically give directions by way of the Lickspittle Saloon, is "the West is being choked with weeds like you.” But Katy's story isn’t just some regurgitated tale about the self discoveries of some urban newbie in the west. If Dorothy Parker was a rock and roller and went west, this would be the novel she would write.
When people tell me they write like Dorothy Parker it usuallys means they use a pen.
One night at Your Alibi Saloon, in a small town called Moose Tooth, Katy tells Erin--a moderately successful writer and practitioner of Chinese internal arts (she’s a chop suey chef?) who, while maintaining that chip on her shoulder, is without question fascinated by Katy--about Luke, the married Western photographer with whom Katy's had an affair at a writer's retreat before arriving in town. (count the words in that sentence. Now diagram it. Now think about why it’s not a good choice) Katy's story, told from both Erin's and Katy's point of view and punctuated by additional orders for rounds of drinks, relates the details of that fling with Luke that ultimately brought Katy to Moose Tooth.
Katy makes no secret of her shameless tendencies, which range from adultery to a general disregard for what passes as well-mannered in the West (this translates as the desire, if not the ability, to cover up most of whatever you might have done and lie about the rest.)
With a double Jim Beam in hand, Katy recounts the lessons she's learned after a year in Moose Tooth. Lessons about western men, surviving friendships in a small town and her strange regard for Sophie, the tattooed, knocked-up, self proclaimed black-sheep outlaw from a prominent Moose Tooth family who called Katy a weed in the first place.
well, this one wins the prize for most words, least said.
What Katy hears first upon arriving in Moose Tooth, where residents there typically give directions by way of the Lickspittle Saloon, is "the West is being choked with weeds like you.” But Katy's story isn’t just some regurgitated tale about the self discoveries of some urban newbie in the west. If Dorothy Parker was a rock and roller and went west, this would be the novel she would write.
When people tell me they write like Dorothy Parker it usuallys means they use a pen.
One night at Your Alibi Saloon, in a small town called Moose Tooth, Katy tells Erin--a moderately successful writer and practitioner of Chinese internal arts (she’s a chop suey chef?) who, while maintaining that chip on her shoulder, is without question fascinated by Katy--about Luke, the married Western photographer with whom Katy's had an affair at a writer's retreat before arriving in town. (count the words in that sentence. Now diagram it. Now think about why it’s not a good choice) Katy's story, told from both Erin's and Katy's point of view and punctuated by additional orders for rounds of drinks, relates the details of that fling with Luke that ultimately brought Katy to Moose Tooth.
Katy makes no secret of her shameless tendencies, which range from adultery to a general disregard for what passes as well-mannered in the West (this translates as the desire, if not the ability, to cover up most of whatever you might have done and lie about the rest.)
With a double Jim Beam in hand, Katy recounts the lessons she's learned after a year in Moose Tooth. Lessons about western men, surviving friendships in a small town and her strange regard for Sophie, the tattooed, knocked-up, self proclaimed black-sheep outlaw from a prominent Moose Tooth family who called Katy a weed in the first place.
well, this one wins the prize for most words, least said.
#55 Crapometer
THE GALLOWS AND THE SEA
Genre: Literary Mainstream
In Seattle’s Depression-era waterfront a naive young artist records the working man’s misery with a burnt willow twig and the back of movie posters. After a riot and the slaying of a corrupt deputy Joshua flees the city, escaping to the rough world of men at sea aboard a 242-ton Aleutian fishing schooner.
“slaying” is for dragons and headline writers in the Post. Everytime I see "slay" or "slew" in what purports to be a literary novel my "over written, over heated, melodrama" alert alarm goes off.
Amazed by the world and yet unprepared for its cruelty, he struggles to find a place in this violent community of thieves, madmen and alcoholics. His vulnerability evokes the cod splitter’s (who?) memories of death and betrayal: Logan Carter grew up in the doomed town of Frank, Alberta, and when the mountain slides and takes his family he is forced to wander the province, following the rails. Lonely and forgotten this young man falls in love with a camp prostitute, but incapable of love she betrays him and he is thrown into the gorge. He survives but filled with a misanthropic rage, goes before the mast. The gallows and the sea refuse no man.
“The gallows and the sea refuse no man”
Leave the melodramatic prose to voice overs for Jerry Springer.
An expert with the knife and garrote, Logan sees in Joshua a mouse he will enjoy tormenting.
Unless Logan is planning to attack him with a knife and garrote, those two clauses don't belong together.
Despite the hostility of the crew Joshua cannot imagine life without recording his experience in his art. (so? is he being forced to give it up?) But what skills he has as an artist he lacks as a seaman and despite his best efforts he goes from one disaster to another: a shooting in the galley, the accidental death of the captain at his hands, the attempt on his life. And behind it all stands Logan with his manipulations and false allegiance. (which you don’t tell us about at all)
Joshua is forced to split and salt the body of the dead captain, and the crew’s hatred for this unaccountable misfit increases.
He is unaware that Russell, his only ally and secret lover is the brother of the slain deputy; when Joshua balks at Logan’s machinations (what machinations?) the splitter at last betrays him to his friend and Russell swears that Joshua will hang.
But Logan’s victory is hollow, for Joshua reveals to the splitter what he knows about Logan’s haunted past, his own history of betrayal and misery that makes him evil. (which is?)
His facade broken, Logan is a tormented man; he realizes he has become one with the shadows behind his own suffering. (talk about overwrought prose) But as Logan awakens Joshua descends, (descends what? a staircase?...give me a break on the metaphors please) and the youth violently lashes out at the tormenting crew. His battle for integrity lost, (what battle??) he at last abandons his art.
The body of the dead captain will not leave them. They catch no fish and arctic storms pursue the ship. The superstitious crew is convinced they are cursed and they mutiny, throwing the salted body of the captain to the sea.
The body of the captain won’t leave them? uh...it’s still ON the boat when you say that right. This strikes me as “duhhh”
In the storm the mate and Logan are lost, and owing the mate a debt, Joshua steals away to their rescue. (what..he jumps overboard in the Arctic ocean?) He finds the mate dead, Logan broken on the rocks but still alive. Against the splitter’s shamed protest Joshua carries him back to the ship, (he walks on water?) a Coast Guard cutter on the horizon. The tightening noose does not concern him; he has already lost everything.
As he awaits capture Joshua perceives an old crewman’s weary misery and at last comes to understand that men become cruel who live cruel lives, are intolerant because they live in fear. Their suffering becomes his own and he knows that as they carry on, so should he. But as he prepares to escape Russell guns him down on the quarterdeck.
Joshua’s courage and sacrifice has redeemed Logan of his past, and in honor of the young artist he dedicates what remains of his life to fighting oppression of the poor and the dispossessed. In the final moments of his life he returns to Joshua’s lonely Aleutian grave to thank him.
You may have a good novel here. I can't tell from this. The synopis is as overheated as Sister Mary Margaret in a porn arcade.
Just tell us what happens, who’s important, the pivotal events and the character development. You don’t have to embellish it with flourishes, in fact it’s better if you don’t.
I’m also a little tired of men blaming their misanthropy on being treated badly by women. Life’s a bitch; get over it. Or at least say something new about it.
Genre: Literary Mainstream
In Seattle’s Depression-era waterfront a naive young artist records the working man’s misery with a burnt willow twig and the back of movie posters. After a riot and the slaying of a corrupt deputy Joshua flees the city, escaping to the rough world of men at sea aboard a 242-ton Aleutian fishing schooner.
“slaying” is for dragons and headline writers in the Post. Everytime I see "slay" or "slew" in what purports to be a literary novel my "over written, over heated, melodrama" alert alarm goes off.
Amazed by the world and yet unprepared for its cruelty, he struggles to find a place in this violent community of thieves, madmen and alcoholics. His vulnerability evokes the cod splitter’s (who?) memories of death and betrayal: Logan Carter grew up in the doomed town of Frank, Alberta, and when the mountain slides and takes his family he is forced to wander the province, following the rails. Lonely and forgotten this young man falls in love with a camp prostitute, but incapable of love she betrays him and he is thrown into the gorge. He survives but filled with a misanthropic rage, goes before the mast. The gallows and the sea refuse no man.
“The gallows and the sea refuse no man”
Leave the melodramatic prose to voice overs for Jerry Springer.
An expert with the knife and garrote, Logan sees in Joshua a mouse he will enjoy tormenting.
Unless Logan is planning to attack him with a knife and garrote, those two clauses don't belong together.
Despite the hostility of the crew Joshua cannot imagine life without recording his experience in his art. (so? is he being forced to give it up?) But what skills he has as an artist he lacks as a seaman and despite his best efforts he goes from one disaster to another: a shooting in the galley, the accidental death of the captain at his hands, the attempt on his life. And behind it all stands Logan with his manipulations and false allegiance. (which you don’t tell us about at all)
Joshua is forced to split and salt the body of the dead captain, and the crew’s hatred for this unaccountable misfit increases.
He is unaware that Russell, his only ally and secret lover is the brother of the slain deputy; when Joshua balks at Logan’s machinations (what machinations?) the splitter at last betrays him to his friend and Russell swears that Joshua will hang.
But Logan’s victory is hollow, for Joshua reveals to the splitter what he knows about Logan’s haunted past, his own history of betrayal and misery that makes him evil. (which is?)
His facade broken, Logan is a tormented man; he realizes he has become one with the shadows behind his own suffering. (talk about overwrought prose) But as Logan awakens Joshua descends, (descends what? a staircase?...give me a break on the metaphors please) and the youth violently lashes out at the tormenting crew. His battle for integrity lost, (what battle??) he at last abandons his art.
The body of the dead captain will not leave them. They catch no fish and arctic storms pursue the ship. The superstitious crew is convinced they are cursed and they mutiny, throwing the salted body of the captain to the sea.
The body of the captain won’t leave them? uh...it’s still ON the boat when you say that right. This strikes me as “duhhh”
In the storm the mate and Logan are lost, and owing the mate a debt, Joshua steals away to their rescue. (what..he jumps overboard in the Arctic ocean?) He finds the mate dead, Logan broken on the rocks but still alive. Against the splitter’s shamed protest Joshua carries him back to the ship, (he walks on water?) a Coast Guard cutter on the horizon. The tightening noose does not concern him; he has already lost everything.
As he awaits capture Joshua perceives an old crewman’s weary misery and at last comes to understand that men become cruel who live cruel lives, are intolerant because they live in fear. Their suffering becomes his own and he knows that as they carry on, so should he. But as he prepares to escape Russell guns him down on the quarterdeck.
Joshua’s courage and sacrifice has redeemed Logan of his past, and in honor of the young artist he dedicates what remains of his life to fighting oppression of the poor and the dispossessed. In the final moments of his life he returns to Joshua’s lonely Aleutian grave to thank him.
You may have a good novel here. I can't tell from this. The synopis is as overheated as Sister Mary Margaret in a porn arcade.
Just tell us what happens, who’s important, the pivotal events and the character development. You don’t have to embellish it with flourishes, in fact it’s better if you don’t.
I’m also a little tired of men blaming their misanthropy on being treated badly by women. Life’s a bitch; get over it. Or at least say something new about it.
#54 Crapometer
Genre: Mystery
SKIN IN THE GAME
TAI RANDOLPH, under-employed research librarian, is returning to her hometown of Atlanta with three objectives: get her father to the airport without strangling him, score a better job, and finally get a handle on her love life. A fender bender is not in those plans, especially when the driver-less car she rear-ends turns out to have a dead body in the trunk.
As the news of her part in the sensational murder reaches her father, he convinces her to go someplace more secure than his house -- say, the Ritz Carlton -- where she meets corporate security agent TREY SEAVER.
They talk, and she learns that he knew the dead girl, ELIZA COMPTON. Curious, she pumps him for information-- to no avail -- but after a few more drinks, she invites him to her room for a nightcap that becomes much more.
The next morning, Tai returns to her father's house where she surprises an unexpected visitor -- Trey. Before she can call 911, however, Trey's supervisor KENT LANDON arrives and informs her that he and Trey work with her father at Phoenix Security and have been hired to protect the house. Tai agrees to go with them to get the full story, but only when family friend DAN GARRITY of the Atlanta PD escorts her.
At Phoenix, Trey explains that the dead girl was an employee of important clients, and that he and Landon were hired to protect not only Tai's father's house, but Tai as well (which didn't stop Trey from sleeping with her, a fact that confuses and angers her). Garrity has an unexpected explanation for Trey's unscrupulous behavior -- he sustained head trauma in a car accident over two years ago, and although he's considered recovered, the cognitive -- and emotional -- changes have been acute.
oh please, when did a man need a justification, let alone a diagnosis of brain damage, to explain why he wants sex? He’s a man! Of course he wants to sleep with her.
Despite being both intrigued and moved by his story, Tai has little time to ponder Trey's psychological eccentricities. She discovers that Eliza had approached her father the day before she died, hinting that she had a terrible secret. She meets MARK BEAUMONT and his wife CHARLEY, the wealthy Phoenix clients who were Eliza’s employers, and who are offering a reward for information about the murder.
Tai immediately starts looking for answers, convincing Trey to let her investigate with him, even though he explains that he's not investigating anything. His job is simple: do whatever the Beaumonts want. And it seems they want lots of photo ops, all garnished with the cachet of a high-class bodyguard (specifically, Trey). Tai suspects that their do-gooder public image is a fraud.
She meets Eliza’s stepsister JANIE, who reveals mysterious details of Eliza’s past, like the fact that Eliza was abandoned with Janie's family when she was just an infant. Janie also mentions that Eliza had come to Atlanta to escape BULLDOG, her violent, meth-dealing ex-boyfriend.
When Tai interviews JAKE WHITAKER, the manager of the Beaumont's newest apartment complex where Eliza lived, she decides that no matter how guilty her father looks, the other players in the drama have more to hide, and she is determined to uncover their secrets.
She soon discovers Eliza’s connection with GUY ZARELLO, a shady paparazzi, and finds evidence that Eliza was obsessed with the Beaumonts. Tai also learns that Bulldog was following Eliza the night before she was killed. Even Janie comes under suspicion when her barely concealed hostility for her dead sister surfaces.
what the hell is a paparazzi doing in Atlanta?
But nothing prepares Tai for the fallout her inquisitiveness provokes, especially when Bulldog -- the top suspect in Eliza’s murder -- is killed. Or when Zarello is discovered shot to death in a parking garage. And if multiple new corpses aren't enough, Tai also has to deal with a growing attachment to Trey.
I guess she’s forgiven him that brain damaged lust now?
Her research provides further tantalizing clues, like the fact that Eliza was hiding a secret girlfriend. Even more surprising is an appearance by the supposedly-deceased Bulldog, who tries to evade Trey and Tai in a nerve-wracking car chase, eventually ending up in police custody. Tai isn't convinced of his guilt, however, and surprisingly, it's Whitaker
that breaks the case for her.
At the Beaumont's fundraiser reception, police arrive with a warrant for Whitaker, accusing him of computer theft. (theft of what? computers?) Whitaker flees, but not before attacking Charley, an act which wounds him and puzzles Tai. Later, when Whitaker is captured and Charley also tries to flee, Tai realizes her instincts are correct -- there's more to this story than meets the eye. Before she can get any answers out of Charley, however, Tai is forced to kill her in self-defense.
Tai and Trey meet at the hospital, where Whitaker has been taken to the ER. Landon arrives minutes later, but when Tai realizes that he's there to kill Whitaker before he can talk, Landon takes her hostage. She escapes, and he is arrested.
Later, Garrity fills her in on Whitaker's story. Eliza was actually Charley's illegitimate daughter, and a blackmailer. Fed up with Eliza’s demands, Charley convinced Landon, her collaborator, to take care of the problem, which he accomplished by killing Eliza. He was transporting her body for dumping when an overheated engine forced him to abandon the vehicle. He then killed Zarello (who also knew Eliza's secret) and tried to kill Bulldog. Whitaker stumbled onto this information during his computer theft, and at the reception, threatened Charley withr evelation if she refused to help him escape.
An information dump at the end to explain the plot is weak ass writing. If Tai doesn’t solve the crime, it’s emotionally unsatisfying to have someone just explain it to her (and us).
In the end, Tai's father, finally cleared of suspicion, returns to Atlanta, and the owner of Phoenix, impressed with Tai's performance, offers her a job. She decides to take it, especially since she'll be working closely with Trey.
Three objectives, three successes. All in all, she thinks, not a bad start.
You say that Tai is a research librarian, but you never show her using those skills in this synopsis. You only mention her doing “research” once.
I like the idea of a librarian heroine, and this could work better in the book than this synopsis reflects.
SKIN IN THE GAME
TAI RANDOLPH, under-employed research librarian, is returning to her hometown of Atlanta with three objectives: get her father to the airport without strangling him, score a better job, and finally get a handle on her love life. A fender bender is not in those plans, especially when the driver-less car she rear-ends turns out to have a dead body in the trunk.
As the news of her part in the sensational murder reaches her father, he convinces her to go someplace more secure than his house -- say, the Ritz Carlton -- where she meets corporate security agent TREY SEAVER.
They talk, and she learns that he knew the dead girl, ELIZA COMPTON. Curious, she pumps him for information-- to no avail -- but after a few more drinks, she invites him to her room for a nightcap that becomes much more.
The next morning, Tai returns to her father's house where she surprises an unexpected visitor -- Trey. Before she can call 911, however, Trey's supervisor KENT LANDON arrives and informs her that he and Trey work with her father at Phoenix Security and have been hired to protect the house. Tai agrees to go with them to get the full story, but only when family friend DAN GARRITY of the Atlanta PD escorts her.
At Phoenix, Trey explains that the dead girl was an employee of important clients, and that he and Landon were hired to protect not only Tai's father's house, but Tai as well (which didn't stop Trey from sleeping with her, a fact that confuses and angers her). Garrity has an unexpected explanation for Trey's unscrupulous behavior -- he sustained head trauma in a car accident over two years ago, and although he's considered recovered, the cognitive -- and emotional -- changes have been acute.
oh please, when did a man need a justification, let alone a diagnosis of brain damage, to explain why he wants sex? He’s a man! Of course he wants to sleep with her.
Despite being both intrigued and moved by his story, Tai has little time to ponder Trey's psychological eccentricities. She discovers that Eliza had approached her father the day before she died, hinting that she had a terrible secret. She meets MARK BEAUMONT and his wife CHARLEY, the wealthy Phoenix clients who were Eliza’s employers, and who are offering a reward for information about the murder.
Tai immediately starts looking for answers, convincing Trey to let her investigate with him, even though he explains that he's not investigating anything. His job is simple: do whatever the Beaumonts want. And it seems they want lots of photo ops, all garnished with the cachet of a high-class bodyguard (specifically, Trey). Tai suspects that their do-gooder public image is a fraud.
She meets Eliza’s stepsister JANIE, who reveals mysterious details of Eliza’s past, like the fact that Eliza was abandoned with Janie's family when she was just an infant. Janie also mentions that Eliza had come to Atlanta to escape BULLDOG, her violent, meth-dealing ex-boyfriend.
When Tai interviews JAKE WHITAKER, the manager of the Beaumont's newest apartment complex where Eliza lived, she decides that no matter how guilty her father looks, the other players in the drama have more to hide, and she is determined to uncover their secrets.
She soon discovers Eliza’s connection with GUY ZARELLO, a shady paparazzi, and finds evidence that Eliza was obsessed with the Beaumonts. Tai also learns that Bulldog was following Eliza the night before she was killed. Even Janie comes under suspicion when her barely concealed hostility for her dead sister surfaces.
what the hell is a paparazzi doing in Atlanta?
But nothing prepares Tai for the fallout her inquisitiveness provokes, especially when Bulldog -- the top suspect in Eliza’s murder -- is killed. Or when Zarello is discovered shot to death in a parking garage. And if multiple new corpses aren't enough, Tai also has to deal with a growing attachment to Trey.
I guess she’s forgiven him that brain damaged lust now?
Her research provides further tantalizing clues, like the fact that Eliza was hiding a secret girlfriend. Even more surprising is an appearance by the supposedly-deceased Bulldog, who tries to evade Trey and Tai in a nerve-wracking car chase, eventually ending up in police custody. Tai isn't convinced of his guilt, however, and surprisingly, it's Whitaker
that breaks the case for her.
At the Beaumont's fundraiser reception, police arrive with a warrant for Whitaker, accusing him of computer theft. (theft of what? computers?) Whitaker flees, but not before attacking Charley, an act which wounds him and puzzles Tai. Later, when Whitaker is captured and Charley also tries to flee, Tai realizes her instincts are correct -- there's more to this story than meets the eye. Before she can get any answers out of Charley, however, Tai is forced to kill her in self-defense.
Tai and Trey meet at the hospital, where Whitaker has been taken to the ER. Landon arrives minutes later, but when Tai realizes that he's there to kill Whitaker before he can talk, Landon takes her hostage. She escapes, and he is arrested.
Later, Garrity fills her in on Whitaker's story. Eliza was actually Charley's illegitimate daughter, and a blackmailer. Fed up with Eliza’s demands, Charley convinced Landon, her collaborator, to take care of the problem, which he accomplished by killing Eliza. He was transporting her body for dumping when an overheated engine forced him to abandon the vehicle. He then killed Zarello (who also knew Eliza's secret) and tried to kill Bulldog. Whitaker stumbled onto this information during his computer theft, and at the reception, threatened Charley withr evelation if she refused to help him escape.
An information dump at the end to explain the plot is weak ass writing. If Tai doesn’t solve the crime, it’s emotionally unsatisfying to have someone just explain it to her (and us).
In the end, Tai's father, finally cleared of suspicion, returns to Atlanta, and the owner of Phoenix, impressed with Tai's performance, offers her a job. She decides to take it, especially since she'll be working closely with Trey.
Three objectives, three successes. All in all, she thinks, not a bad start.
You say that Tai is a research librarian, but you never show her using those skills in this synopsis. You only mention her doing “research” once.
I like the idea of a librarian heroine, and this could work better in the book than this synopsis reflects.
#53 Crapometer
Genre: Action, thriller, sci-fi adventure (as in Jurassic Park)
RACING THE MOON SYNOPSIS
In Alaska, geneticist DORIAN KAPADONIS runs for his life. In Wisconsin, AMANDA McCOURT desperately searches for a lost charm aboard a plane. Headed for Anchorage, she'll begin an internship at the Epidemiology Intelligence Service (EIS) with her uncle Dorian.
ok, right away you lose me here cause I have no idea of the WHY of any of this.
MAJOR WYATT DERMOTT, of the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) is working undercover as an Alaskan parajumper investigating a strain of rabies, thought to be released by a group of rebel Inupiat. The Afuyakti-nuna (Soldiers of the Earth) oppose oil drilling on the North Slope.
and giving animals in the wilderness rabies will preseve the North Slope how?
Amanda's brother died of Leigh's Syndrome of which she is a carrier. Angry with God for cursing her bloodline, she has replaced spiritual faith with scientific belief and devoted her life to finding a cure. When she learns Dorian is missing, she will risk all to find him.
He’s working on a cure for that disease? News to us.
At Dorian's destroyed campsite, Wyatt and his team find frozen, mutilated bodies. He recovers journals that describe an impossible, crazy theory. A very ill Dorian awakens to find himself in the elderly hands of a man who introduces himself as TAATKI, an Inupiat shaman.
Tracking Dorian's last known activities, Amanda is briefed on a rash of statistically impossible outbreaks of genetic diseases within the Inupiat population. Wyatt meets her at the morgue as the EIS crew arrive to identify the bodies found at the campsite. Amanda is overwhelmed with relief when Dorian isn't among the dead.
Taatki explains to Dorian his aid is needed to save children who were inadvertently infected with some unknown virus. When Dorian asks to alert the EIS to his whereabouts and is rebuffed, he fears he wasn't rescued, but taken prisoner. Wyatt witnesses the horrific and unexplainable effects of the virus on a family and realizes they are not suffering from a new strain of rabies at all. The journals have new meaning.
Dorian meets Taatki's grandsons. The eldest is an attorney and leader of the Soldier's of the Earth. As Dorian watches, they transform into werewolves. Amanda tries to reinstate the search, but unless she can find proof her uncle is still alive, another rescue team won't be sent.
You're mixing the event threads in the paragraph. The book can do that, but in a synopsis you shouldn't. It looks jumbled.
Here are your sentences re-organized for clarity:
Wyatt witnesses the horrific and unexplainable effects of the virus on a family and realizes they are not suffering from a new strain of rabies at all. The journals have new meaning.
Amanda tries to reinstate the search, but unless she can find proof her uncle is still alive, another rescue team won't be sent.
Taatki explains to Dorian his aid is needed to save children who were inadvertently infected with some unknown virus. When Dorian asks to alert the EIS to his whereabouts and is rebuffed, he fears he wasn't rescued, but taken prisoner. Dorian meets Taatki's grandsons. The eldest is an attorney and leader of the Soldier's of the Earth. As Dorian watches, they transform into werewolves.
werewolves? when you describe this genre as like Jurassic Park you led me to think you’d be writing about something within the realm of possibility. I know you die hard fantasy lover will be shocked at this news, but werewolves aren’t real.
Dorian flees for his life after witnessing the morphological phenomenon and seeks refuge in a nearby village. Wyatt gives Amanda the journals and accompanies her to visit an afflicted family. When she fails to motivate the mother to seek treatment, Amanda blames herself. Wyatt finds himself drawn to her dedication and horrified by how far spread the disease may have become.
Dorian calls Amanda and she ecstatically relays the message to the rescue team. Wyatt receives orders to report for an emergency rescue. Dorian's host mutates and he finds himself surrounded by werewolves. As the helicopter arrives and the first responders are brutally murdered, Dorian realizes the werewolves have kept him alive on purpose, suggesting intelligence even in their animal state. Wyatt fights his way to the geneticist and they escape on a snowmobile.
Werewolves can’t out run snowmobiles?
Amanda anxiously awaits word of her uncle, but instead, receives orders to return to EIS headquarters. Risking her career, she refuses. Dorian and Wyatt agree they are dealing with werewolves, no matter how insane it sounds.
The military moves in, declaring the Soldier's of the Earth a terrorist threat. Amanda and the EIS team arrive on the scene and ask to be allowed to stay, and in return, they will help the military's geneticist combat the new, biological weapon the rebel Inupiat have unleashed.
Wyatt and Dorian meet Amanda at the mobile lab and are happily reunited. After they are interrogated, the military refuses the deal and tells Wyatt and the EIS to return home. Dorian convinces Wyatt and Amanda to help him find Taatki and hopefully a cure for the Lycan Virus. When their plan is uncovered, soldiers are ordered to take out the terrorist sympathizers. The EIS team and Wyatt fight for their lives in a three-way battle between them, the military and a pack of werewolves Taatki sent to facilitate the EIS's escape.
At the rebel camp, the attorney has drafted a contract which protects the North Slope from drilling. When this contract is signed, they will divulge the antivirus. An agreement is struck and Taatki chooses Amanda to receive the cure. Against her scientific judgment, Amanda drinks the shaman's potion and has a spiritual transformation. Taatki gifts her with a bull-roarer - an ancient device meant to ward off wolves.
gift is not a verb. I don’t care what anyone else says, you don’t gift someone. You GIVE them a gift, you HAVE a gift - gift is a damn noun.
The military converge on the camp and after a tense stand off, reach a temporary truce in order to receive the cure. Dorian, Amanda and Taatki cultivate the antivirus. When she discovers the antidote relies heavily on silver, she reluctantly parts with her beloved charm bracelet.
An EIS agent is bitten during the first administration of the antivirus. The agent agrees to track the other werewolves and is fitted with a radio collar. Wyatt, Amanda and Dorian follow on foot. A fierce battle ensues and they're soon outnumbered. Amanda uses the bull-roarer to subdue the werewolf frenzy. They manage to cure all the werewolves.
Dorian, Wyatt and Amanda make plans for Thanksgiving, but later, their celebration proves too soon as Congress agrees to open the North Slope for drilling.
EPILOGUE
The Journal of the American Medical Association "The Lycan Virus” by Dr. Dorian Kapadonis.
If you’ve got werewolves, this is fantasy. As fantasies go, it’s not bad. A tad over wrought, but then, facing slavering werewolves, I’d be a tad over wrought myself.
Amanda doesn’t appear to bring much to the table as a heroic character. Where’s her crisis? Where’s her character development? What changes for her other that your very brief announcement of “spiritual transformation” which we don’t ever hear more about.
You've fallen into the trap of putting the synopsis into the same chrono order as the book. That gives you ten jumbled paragraphs with the three threads appearing in each paragraph. Isolate each thread, put it all in one or two paragraphs, then do the next one.
This might be a really good book but the synopsis doesn’t really show it.
RACING THE MOON SYNOPSIS
In Alaska, geneticist DORIAN KAPADONIS runs for his life. In Wisconsin, AMANDA McCOURT desperately searches for a lost charm aboard a plane. Headed for Anchorage, she'll begin an internship at the Epidemiology Intelligence Service (EIS) with her uncle Dorian.
ok, right away you lose me here cause I have no idea of the WHY of any of this.
MAJOR WYATT DERMOTT, of the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) is working undercover as an Alaskan parajumper investigating a strain of rabies, thought to be released by a group of rebel Inupiat. The Afuyakti-nuna (Soldiers of the Earth) oppose oil drilling on the North Slope.
and giving animals in the wilderness rabies will preseve the North Slope how?
Amanda's brother died of Leigh's Syndrome of which she is a carrier. Angry with God for cursing her bloodline, she has replaced spiritual faith with scientific belief and devoted her life to finding a cure. When she learns Dorian is missing, she will risk all to find him.
He’s working on a cure for that disease? News to us.
At Dorian's destroyed campsite, Wyatt and his team find frozen, mutilated bodies. He recovers journals that describe an impossible, crazy theory. A very ill Dorian awakens to find himself in the elderly hands of a man who introduces himself as TAATKI, an Inupiat shaman.
Tracking Dorian's last known activities, Amanda is briefed on a rash of statistically impossible outbreaks of genetic diseases within the Inupiat population. Wyatt meets her at the morgue as the EIS crew arrive to identify the bodies found at the campsite. Amanda is overwhelmed with relief when Dorian isn't among the dead.
Taatki explains to Dorian his aid is needed to save children who were inadvertently infected with some unknown virus. When Dorian asks to alert the EIS to his whereabouts and is rebuffed, he fears he wasn't rescued, but taken prisoner. Wyatt witnesses the horrific and unexplainable effects of the virus on a family and realizes they are not suffering from a new strain of rabies at all. The journals have new meaning.
Dorian meets Taatki's grandsons. The eldest is an attorney and leader of the Soldier's of the Earth. As Dorian watches, they transform into werewolves. Amanda tries to reinstate the search, but unless she can find proof her uncle is still alive, another rescue team won't be sent.
You're mixing the event threads in the paragraph. The book can do that, but in a synopsis you shouldn't. It looks jumbled.
Here are your sentences re-organized for clarity:
Wyatt witnesses the horrific and unexplainable effects of the virus on a family and realizes they are not suffering from a new strain of rabies at all. The journals have new meaning.
Amanda tries to reinstate the search, but unless she can find proof her uncle is still alive, another rescue team won't be sent.
Taatki explains to Dorian his aid is needed to save children who were inadvertently infected with some unknown virus. When Dorian asks to alert the EIS to his whereabouts and is rebuffed, he fears he wasn't rescued, but taken prisoner. Dorian meets Taatki's grandsons. The eldest is an attorney and leader of the Soldier's of the Earth. As Dorian watches, they transform into werewolves.
werewolves? when you describe this genre as like Jurassic Park you led me to think you’d be writing about something within the realm of possibility. I know you die hard fantasy lover will be shocked at this news, but werewolves aren’t real.
Dorian flees for his life after witnessing the morphological phenomenon and seeks refuge in a nearby village. Wyatt gives Amanda the journals and accompanies her to visit an afflicted family. When she fails to motivate the mother to seek treatment, Amanda blames herself. Wyatt finds himself drawn to her dedication and horrified by how far spread the disease may have become.
Dorian calls Amanda and she ecstatically relays the message to the rescue team. Wyatt receives orders to report for an emergency rescue. Dorian's host mutates and he finds himself surrounded by werewolves. As the helicopter arrives and the first responders are brutally murdered, Dorian realizes the werewolves have kept him alive on purpose, suggesting intelligence even in their animal state. Wyatt fights his way to the geneticist and they escape on a snowmobile.
Werewolves can’t out run snowmobiles?
Amanda anxiously awaits word of her uncle, but instead, receives orders to return to EIS headquarters. Risking her career, she refuses. Dorian and Wyatt agree they are dealing with werewolves, no matter how insane it sounds.
The military moves in, declaring the Soldier's of the Earth a terrorist threat. Amanda and the EIS team arrive on the scene and ask to be allowed to stay, and in return, they will help the military's geneticist combat the new, biological weapon the rebel Inupiat have unleashed.
Wyatt and Dorian meet Amanda at the mobile lab and are happily reunited. After they are interrogated, the military refuses the deal and tells Wyatt and the EIS to return home. Dorian convinces Wyatt and Amanda to help him find Taatki and hopefully a cure for the Lycan Virus. When their plan is uncovered, soldiers are ordered to take out the terrorist sympathizers. The EIS team and Wyatt fight for their lives in a three-way battle between them, the military and a pack of werewolves Taatki sent to facilitate the EIS's escape.
At the rebel camp, the attorney has drafted a contract which protects the North Slope from drilling. When this contract is signed, they will divulge the antivirus. An agreement is struck and Taatki chooses Amanda to receive the cure. Against her scientific judgment, Amanda drinks the shaman's potion and has a spiritual transformation. Taatki gifts her with a bull-roarer - an ancient device meant to ward off wolves.
gift is not a verb. I don’t care what anyone else says, you don’t gift someone. You GIVE them a gift, you HAVE a gift - gift is a damn noun.
The military converge on the camp and after a tense stand off, reach a temporary truce in order to receive the cure. Dorian, Amanda and Taatki cultivate the antivirus. When she discovers the antidote relies heavily on silver, she reluctantly parts with her beloved charm bracelet.
An EIS agent is bitten during the first administration of the antivirus. The agent agrees to track the other werewolves and is fitted with a radio collar. Wyatt, Amanda and Dorian follow on foot. A fierce battle ensues and they're soon outnumbered. Amanda uses the bull-roarer to subdue the werewolf frenzy. They manage to cure all the werewolves.
Dorian, Wyatt and Amanda make plans for Thanksgiving, but later, their celebration proves too soon as Congress agrees to open the North Slope for drilling.
EPILOGUE
The Journal of the American Medical Association "The Lycan Virus” by Dr. Dorian Kapadonis.
If you’ve got werewolves, this is fantasy. As fantasies go, it’s not bad. A tad over wrought, but then, facing slavering werewolves, I’d be a tad over wrought myself.
Amanda doesn’t appear to bring much to the table as a heroic character. Where’s her crisis? Where’s her character development? What changes for her other that your very brief announcement of “spiritual transformation” which we don’t ever hear more about.
You've fallen into the trap of putting the synopsis into the same chrono order as the book. That gives you ten jumbled paragraphs with the three threads appearing in each paragraph. Isolate each thread, put it all in one or two paragraphs, then do the next one.
This might be a really good book but the synopsis doesn’t really show it.
#52 Crapometer
Death Did Not Notice Me -- paranormal cozy
Meg Corey's impulsive purchase of a bed and breakfast in western Massachusetts has turned out to be more complicated than she expected.
After losing her Boston banking job through a series of mergers, she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. When she stumbles upon a charming colonial bed and breakfast and falls in love with it, she surprises herself by making an offer. The current owners are eager to sell, and two months later Meg is the proud owner of Warren House, built in 1762.
Then the problems begin. The faulty heating and leaky windows she can handle, but when Deborah Warren, dead since 1823, materializes in her kitchen one day, Meg fears she has finally lost her marbles. And shortly after she opens for business, the body of a man is pulled from her recently-installed septic tank. Not only was the man a guest at her establishment, but he was a former lover.
Watching her bank account dwindle, Meg wonders just what she has gotten herself into.
You say this all again, but with more detail, in the next two paragraphs. You only need to say it once.
Meg has little opportunity to worry about Deborah, since her first appearance coincides with the collapse of Meg's septic system. In a panic, Meg hunts for a plumber and is lucky to find Seth Chapin, a neighbor, who arrives quickly and tells her that perhaps he can keep the septic system going for a bit longer, much to Meg's relief.
Unfortunately Seth's fix doesn't last long, and soon it becomes clear that the tank has to be replaced. Seth finishes installing it in time for a weekend group of guests which includes Simon Philips, a banker from Boston who was once involved with Meg. Now Simon is spearheading a commercial development project in Meg's new town, and has chosen to stay at Warren House. Meg can discern no ulterior motive on his part, and she relaxes into a cordial relationship with him. She gives little thought to his abrupt departure from the B&B one night–until her plumbing backs up yet again. This time the problem is a very dead Simon in the septic tank.
Meg now faces a slew of problems. Is she a suspect in Simon's death? What will the discovery of the body do to her fledgling business? And what will happen to the development project, which has inspired strong reactions, both positive and negative, among the citizens of the town?
Meg is both relieved and dismayed to find that Deborah holds some key pieces of evidence regarding Simon's murder. Unfortunately, Deborah doesn't know and can't identify the people involved, and even if she could, how could Meg convey that information to the local police? Armed with Deborah's observations, Meg realizes she must find another way to implicate the real culprits and rescue her reputation.
Meg begins by contacting friends in Boston, to see who might have wanted Simon dead. She learns that Cinda Patterson has taken over Simon's role in promoting the development project, but she is surprised when Cinda books a room at Warren House. When Cinda arrives, Deborah identifies Cinda as the woman she saw with Simon on the night he died.
Meg now knows that Cinda has benefitted professionally from Simon's removal, and that she was involved with him on a more intimate level.
But Deborah has also told Meg that Cinda didn't act alone: she had a male accomplice, and Meg needs to identify that person as well.
She observes Cinda in furtive conversation with a man outside the B&B one morning; the man turns out to be Seth's brother and business partner Steven. Since the Chapin family land is part of the property targeted for the development project, both Seth and his brother have a stake in its outcome. Unfortunately they are sharply split on the issue.
Seth, a town selectman, sees the economic need for the project, to boost the town's financial base, but has reservations about the ambitious plan, which will change the face of the town; Steven wants to take the money and run. Meg guesses that Cinda saw Steven as an easy target and seduced him, to guarantee Steven's support in opposing to Seth--and to lend her a hand in eliminating Simon.
Meg finds physical evidence that links Cinda to the murder, but that leaves her with the problem of implicating Steven. If she does, she knows that she risks destroying her friendship with Seth, one of the few friends she has made in the area. When she approaches Seth to warn him that she plans to take her evidence to the police, he becomes angry and turns away from her, as she feared. Matters come to a head at the Special Town Meeting, called to vote on final approval of the development project, when Meg stand up and accuses Cinda of murder.
The police listen to her story and send her home, with the promise to investigate. But when Meg returns to Warren House, she finds a drunken, angry Steven waiting for her. Deborah's warning gives Meg time to call the police before confronting Steven, who admits to his role in Simon's death. Seth arrives before the police, and faced with a choice between his brother and Meg, he takes Meg's side. The police take Steven into custody, and leave to arrest Cinda.
Seth stays behind with Meg, and she tells him about the unlikely source of her information: Deborah. He doesn't take her seriously, and she decides not to make an issue of it. She figures she will have time to explain herself later, for when Seth learns that the development project will go forward despite Cinda's arrest, costing him the site of his business, Meg offers him the use of her barn. She has learned the hard way that with an antique building, it never hurts to have a plumber handy.
Clean, concise, zippy, conveys both the events, a bit of the voice, and doesn’t get bogged down in descriptions. We get a sense of what happens, and why. Other than repeating yourself in the first couple of paragraphs, this is very good.
Meg Corey's impulsive purchase of a bed and breakfast in western Massachusetts has turned out to be more complicated than she expected.
After losing her Boston banking job through a series of mergers, she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. When she stumbles upon a charming colonial bed and breakfast and falls in love with it, she surprises herself by making an offer. The current owners are eager to sell, and two months later Meg is the proud owner of Warren House, built in 1762.
Then the problems begin. The faulty heating and leaky windows she can handle, but when Deborah Warren, dead since 1823, materializes in her kitchen one day, Meg fears she has finally lost her marbles. And shortly after she opens for business, the body of a man is pulled from her recently-installed septic tank. Not only was the man a guest at her establishment, but he was a former lover.
Watching her bank account dwindle, Meg wonders just what she has gotten herself into.
You say this all again, but with more detail, in the next two paragraphs. You only need to say it once.
Meg has little opportunity to worry about Deborah, since her first appearance coincides with the collapse of Meg's septic system. In a panic, Meg hunts for a plumber and is lucky to find Seth Chapin, a neighbor, who arrives quickly and tells her that perhaps he can keep the septic system going for a bit longer, much to Meg's relief.
Unfortunately Seth's fix doesn't last long, and soon it becomes clear that the tank has to be replaced. Seth finishes installing it in time for a weekend group of guests which includes Simon Philips, a banker from Boston who was once involved with Meg. Now Simon is spearheading a commercial development project in Meg's new town, and has chosen to stay at Warren House. Meg can discern no ulterior motive on his part, and she relaxes into a cordial relationship with him. She gives little thought to his abrupt departure from the B&B one night–until her plumbing backs up yet again. This time the problem is a very dead Simon in the septic tank.
Meg now faces a slew of problems. Is she a suspect in Simon's death? What will the discovery of the body do to her fledgling business? And what will happen to the development project, which has inspired strong reactions, both positive and negative, among the citizens of the town?
Meg is both relieved and dismayed to find that Deborah holds some key pieces of evidence regarding Simon's murder. Unfortunately, Deborah doesn't know and can't identify the people involved, and even if she could, how could Meg convey that information to the local police? Armed with Deborah's observations, Meg realizes she must find another way to implicate the real culprits and rescue her reputation.
Meg begins by contacting friends in Boston, to see who might have wanted Simon dead. She learns that Cinda Patterson has taken over Simon's role in promoting the development project, but she is surprised when Cinda books a room at Warren House. When Cinda arrives, Deborah identifies Cinda as the woman she saw with Simon on the night he died.
Meg now knows that Cinda has benefitted professionally from Simon's removal, and that she was involved with him on a more intimate level.
But Deborah has also told Meg that Cinda didn't act alone: she had a male accomplice, and Meg needs to identify that person as well.
She observes Cinda in furtive conversation with a man outside the B&B one morning; the man turns out to be Seth's brother and business partner Steven. Since the Chapin family land is part of the property targeted for the development project, both Seth and his brother have a stake in its outcome. Unfortunately they are sharply split on the issue.
Seth, a town selectman, sees the economic need for the project, to boost the town's financial base, but has reservations about the ambitious plan, which will change the face of the town; Steven wants to take the money and run. Meg guesses that Cinda saw Steven as an easy target and seduced him, to guarantee Steven's support in opposing to Seth--and to lend her a hand in eliminating Simon.
Meg finds physical evidence that links Cinda to the murder, but that leaves her with the problem of implicating Steven. If she does, she knows that she risks destroying her friendship with Seth, one of the few friends she has made in the area. When she approaches Seth to warn him that she plans to take her evidence to the police, he becomes angry and turns away from her, as she feared. Matters come to a head at the Special Town Meeting, called to vote on final approval of the development project, when Meg stand up and accuses Cinda of murder.
The police listen to her story and send her home, with the promise to investigate. But when Meg returns to Warren House, she finds a drunken, angry Steven waiting for her. Deborah's warning gives Meg time to call the police before confronting Steven, who admits to his role in Simon's death. Seth arrives before the police, and faced with a choice between his brother and Meg, he takes Meg's side. The police take Steven into custody, and leave to arrest Cinda.
Seth stays behind with Meg, and she tells him about the unlikely source of her information: Deborah. He doesn't take her seriously, and she decides not to make an issue of it. She figures she will have time to explain herself later, for when Seth learns that the development project will go forward despite Cinda's arrest, costing him the site of his business, Meg offers him the use of her barn. She has learned the hard way that with an antique building, it never hurts to have a plumber handy.
Clean, concise, zippy, conveys both the events, a bit of the voice, and doesn’t get bogged down in descriptions. We get a sense of what happens, and why. Other than repeating yourself in the first couple of paragraphs, this is very good.
#51 Crapometer
GENRE: Magical Realism (magical realism is a device, not a genre. What you have here is fantasy)
TITLE: BROTHERS
"It's about dragons. Those who pursue and those who protect. Those from whom we run and those whom we seek, the ones bequeathed us and those of our own manufacture. Bane or balm, we decide what role each plays."
-- Excerpt from THE DRAGON BROTHERS by PHILIPPE BIJOUTIER, first lieutenant to TRISTIN CONSEILLE, Captain of the Gendarme of MONTMAR.
(WTF?)
In a forest, on winter solstice, Tristin faces down those dragons yet again. Ambushed, unable to maneuver, he listens as members of his patrol are killed. While he searches out their escape he mentally composes the letters of condolence he must send to each family.
At age twenty-three, Tristin is a veteran of six years of service, and five broken marriage engagements. (yea those divorce engagements are so much worse) He's an expert chess player, an accomplished artist and abrasive as hell. Skilled in warfare, unskilled in life, Tristin escapes the daily circus of political pandering and military strategy sessions by illustrating his friend, Philippe's, stories or getting drunk.
BENARD, Tristin's brother and his commander, is a veteran of thirteen years. (floridization alert) He escapes his nightmares by playing hide and seek with his conscience and does what he can to keep Tristin and their young cousin, GUY, a sergeant, in one piece.
hide and seek with his conscience? oh man.
Scions of Montmar's ruling family, top officers in Montmar's defense, the brothers weary of a conflict they feel helpless to control.
Montmar wars with its neighbor BARCELA over the forest and the river which divides them. After years of drought, Barcela faces famine of catastrophic proportions. Desperate for water and the forest's resources, Barcela plans a decisive offensive to wrest back control. Lacking the numbers and expertise to eject Montmar from the forest on its own, Barcela forms a brittle alliance with its neighbor to the north, the Dahkarin empire.
DAHKAR, the realm caught in the middle, needs the river passage to transport its textiles to Montmar's port, but must have the dyes produced by Barcela to manufacture those textiles. A surprise attack by the combined Dahkarin and Barcelan armies kills hundreds on all sides.
Benard petitions the Montmarin council and his father to consider negotiation with Barcela. Two of Tristin's best friends died in the battle. Unwilling to negotiate with their murderers, Tristin opposes Benard, instead suggesting Montmar negotiate with Dahkar, that Montmar
cut Barcela out of the picture entirely. His poignant plea seems reasonable to a council reeling from the loss of so many of their sons.
A dragon, once injured, is unpredictable. Trisin's uncle, Guy's father, travels to Dahkar seeking terms for peace. The King of Dahkar has him killed. Tristin blames himself for his uncle's death. He cringes to see Guy adapt his own hard edge in the wake of his father's death.
wait...these are dragons?
During a maneuver, Tristin climbs a tree to seek a better vantage. He takes an arrow and plummets to earth to land in the middle of a goat herd in a place far removed from the battle. There, a beautiful woman tends to his wounds. A man who seems to know him is belligerent to
him. Tristin ignores the man, but asks the woman to marry him.
yea, nothing like the smell of goat to bring on love.
Tristin wakes in his own world, upset to learn the girl is his own manufacture. His road back to normalcy is torturous. Trapped by the sequelae (the what?) of his injuries and the drugs required to ease his pain, he seeks refuge in his art. Dragons dominate his creations, haunt his dreams and his waking hours. They creep out of their corners to take on form and substance. His friends and family watch Tristin's transformation in dismay, doubting his sanity, uncertain what to do.
Another realm enters the fray. Traditional enemies of Dahkar, CABUL worries Dahkar will gain a stranglehold on the river and the forest. They throw in their lot with Montmar. Heartened, Benard plans another offensive, one meant to sweep the enemy from the forest.
Both sides play dirtier. The body count rises, Tristin's humanity slips away. He reconsiders his stance, goes to his brother and father, begs them to push negotiation with Barcela, to keep the Cabul out of it. In his own turnaround Benard fights him, certain Montmar finally has what it needs to gain victory.
At the northern end of the river, ALBATIA, a peaceful country that does not maintain an army sends an envoy with offers to negotiate a truce, their hope to prevent the war from creeping further up the river. The envoy is headed by Albatia's Steward, ANYON KAMBUJ. Anyon is the man Tristin met in the goat field. The woman Tristin proposed to is Anyon's sister. The Albatians are pragmatists, uncomfortable with the deceit and intrigue typical of more sophisticated realms. Their offers to help are met with suspicion and hostility. Every opportunity for advancement is met by a setback which pushes all sides closer to the brink.
Unknown to all is the truth that Philippe's story of the dragon brothers is real. Players who set this conflict in motion, the dragon brothers use the combatants as pawns for their own amusement. One sets the humans' shortcomings against themselves, the other seeks to use the humans' strengths to their advantage. Their machinations set the stage for disaster, a fire, then a flood which devastates the forest and the four armies.
!!alien alert!! WTF is this?
Though the dragon brothers debate the outcome of their game, the humans lose their stomach for war. Negotiations begin in earnest. An uneasy equilibrium is reached as all parties struggle to gather the pieces. Though crippled by his injuries and grief-stricken over Philippe's death, Tristin decides to make himself a hopeful future and asks the Albatian's permission to make a proper introduction to his sister.
I have no idea what you’re doing here.
A synopsis is not the place for florid writing. Just tell me what the F happens, who’s important and what the pivotal moments are.
You start out quoting a book that’s part of the story to explain a story I haven’t read. That’s the very definition of circular reasoning.
Your prose looks like rococo furniture, no flourish left furled.
Then it turns out to be a story within a story (I think...I’m not quite sure).
You’ve gotten trapped into a common mistake...the synopsis follows the chronology of the book. When you do that here, the reveal comes out of left field and makes me wonder WTF are you doing.
This kind of thing CAN word on the page, but in a synopsis you want to lead with format, not surprise the hell out me with it at the end.
And goats really stink by the way.
TITLE: BROTHERS
"It's about dragons. Those who pursue and those who protect. Those from whom we run and those whom we seek, the ones bequeathed us and those of our own manufacture. Bane or balm, we decide what role each plays."
-- Excerpt from THE DRAGON BROTHERS by PHILIPPE BIJOUTIER, first lieutenant to TRISTIN CONSEILLE, Captain of the Gendarme of MONTMAR.
(WTF?)
In a forest, on winter solstice, Tristin faces down those dragons yet again. Ambushed, unable to maneuver, he listens as members of his patrol are killed. While he searches out their escape he mentally composes the letters of condolence he must send to each family.
At age twenty-three, Tristin is a veteran of six years of service, and five broken marriage engagements. (yea those divorce engagements are so much worse) He's an expert chess player, an accomplished artist and abrasive as hell. Skilled in warfare, unskilled in life, Tristin escapes the daily circus of political pandering and military strategy sessions by illustrating his friend, Philippe's, stories or getting drunk.
BENARD, Tristin's brother and his commander, is a veteran of thirteen years. (floridization alert) He escapes his nightmares by playing hide and seek with his conscience and does what he can to keep Tristin and their young cousin, GUY, a sergeant, in one piece.
hide and seek with his conscience? oh man.
Scions of Montmar's ruling family, top officers in Montmar's defense, the brothers weary of a conflict they feel helpless to control.
Montmar wars with its neighbor BARCELA over the forest and the river which divides them. After years of drought, Barcela faces famine of catastrophic proportions. Desperate for water and the forest's resources, Barcela plans a decisive offensive to wrest back control. Lacking the numbers and expertise to eject Montmar from the forest on its own, Barcela forms a brittle alliance with its neighbor to the north, the Dahkarin empire.
DAHKAR, the realm caught in the middle, needs the river passage to transport its textiles to Montmar's port, but must have the dyes produced by Barcela to manufacture those textiles. A surprise attack by the combined Dahkarin and Barcelan armies kills hundreds on all sides.
Benard petitions the Montmarin council and his father to consider negotiation with Barcela. Two of Tristin's best friends died in the battle. Unwilling to negotiate with their murderers, Tristin opposes Benard, instead suggesting Montmar negotiate with Dahkar, that Montmar
cut Barcela out of the picture entirely. His poignant plea seems reasonable to a council reeling from the loss of so many of their sons.
A dragon, once injured, is unpredictable. Trisin's uncle, Guy's father, travels to Dahkar seeking terms for peace. The King of Dahkar has him killed. Tristin blames himself for his uncle's death. He cringes to see Guy adapt his own hard edge in the wake of his father's death.
wait...these are dragons?
During a maneuver, Tristin climbs a tree to seek a better vantage. He takes an arrow and plummets to earth to land in the middle of a goat herd in a place far removed from the battle. There, a beautiful woman tends to his wounds. A man who seems to know him is belligerent to
him. Tristin ignores the man, but asks the woman to marry him.
yea, nothing like the smell of goat to bring on love.
Tristin wakes in his own world, upset to learn the girl is his own manufacture. His road back to normalcy is torturous. Trapped by the sequelae (the what?) of his injuries and the drugs required to ease his pain, he seeks refuge in his art. Dragons dominate his creations, haunt his dreams and his waking hours. They creep out of their corners to take on form and substance. His friends and family watch Tristin's transformation in dismay, doubting his sanity, uncertain what to do.
Another realm enters the fray. Traditional enemies of Dahkar, CABUL worries Dahkar will gain a stranglehold on the river and the forest. They throw in their lot with Montmar. Heartened, Benard plans another offensive, one meant to sweep the enemy from the forest.
Both sides play dirtier. The body count rises, Tristin's humanity slips away. He reconsiders his stance, goes to his brother and father, begs them to push negotiation with Barcela, to keep the Cabul out of it. In his own turnaround Benard fights him, certain Montmar finally has what it needs to gain victory.
At the northern end of the river, ALBATIA, a peaceful country that does not maintain an army sends an envoy with offers to negotiate a truce, their hope to prevent the war from creeping further up the river. The envoy is headed by Albatia's Steward, ANYON KAMBUJ. Anyon is the man Tristin met in the goat field. The woman Tristin proposed to is Anyon's sister. The Albatians are pragmatists, uncomfortable with the deceit and intrigue typical of more sophisticated realms. Their offers to help are met with suspicion and hostility. Every opportunity for advancement is met by a setback which pushes all sides closer to the brink.
Unknown to all is the truth that Philippe's story of the dragon brothers is real. Players who set this conflict in motion, the dragon brothers use the combatants as pawns for their own amusement. One sets the humans' shortcomings against themselves, the other seeks to use the humans' strengths to their advantage. Their machinations set the stage for disaster, a fire, then a flood which devastates the forest and the four armies.
!!alien alert!! WTF is this?
Though the dragon brothers debate the outcome of their game, the humans lose their stomach for war. Negotiations begin in earnest. An uneasy equilibrium is reached as all parties struggle to gather the pieces. Though crippled by his injuries and grief-stricken over Philippe's death, Tristin decides to make himself a hopeful future and asks the Albatian's permission to make a proper introduction to his sister.
I have no idea what you’re doing here.
A synopsis is not the place for florid writing. Just tell me what the F happens, who’s important and what the pivotal moments are.
You start out quoting a book that’s part of the story to explain a story I haven’t read. That’s the very definition of circular reasoning.
Your prose looks like rococo furniture, no flourish left furled.
Then it turns out to be a story within a story (I think...I’m not quite sure).
You’ve gotten trapped into a common mistake...the synopsis follows the chronology of the book. When you do that here, the reveal comes out of left field and makes me wonder WTF are you doing.
This kind of thing CAN word on the page, but in a synopsis you want to lead with format, not surprise the hell out me with it at the end.
And goats really stink by the way.
#50 Crapometer
Chick-lit
The Big Things
Pride with pride cannot abide – no other saying could so succinctly sum up the on again, off again relationship of Sukey (Susannah O'Brien) and Mikey (Michael Henderson).
For years, known as SukeynMikey, they've topped the Australian radio ratings with their popular morning show – 'Just Get The Hell Out Of Bed Why Don't You?'. What most people don't know is that their famous banter continued off-air and well into the night, leading to their break-up just over a year ago and the demise of their show.
Sukey has spent her year in NYC, wowing audiences (never of more than three drunk people with free tickets, not that she'd let Mikey know that in a million years, of course) with her stand-up routine.
Mikey has spent his year unemployed, eating pizza in front of the TV, jumping into bed with the next woman who came along, getting her pregnant with twins and asking her to marry him within six months of their getting together (asking Sukey, his partner of five years, had never crossed his mind, of course).
Worlds apart, they've almost forgotten about that little document they signed what seems like a lifetime ago – a contract to make a TV documentary. Knowing they were having off-air problems that were slowly making their way on-air, their agent had stalled the proceedings. But now the production company won't be stalled any longer and it seems Sukey and Mikey will only finally be rid of each other if they fulfill this last duty – a two week tour of The Big Things.
Pitched as 'a bit of a laugh' at the start of their last season together, they were to travel along the East coast of Australia – from the Big Prawn to the Big Banana and all the kitschy tourist spots in-between. Both Sukey and Mikey think their agent, Angela, must be kidding. The two of them working together again? No way.
But Angela's not kidding. And with the production company's lawyers sending threatening letters, Sukey being forced home, penniless and Mikey's wedding looming, the pair collide together to begin the road-trip from hell.
As they travel, meeting some weird and wonderful Australian characters, taking in the Big Things and trying desperately not to want each other, the 'my life couldn't be better' competition escalates. Until the end of the road, that is, where Sukey and Mikey learn something – that love, the biggest Thing of all, sometimes can't be sped past in a mini-van at 100kph.
I’m a tad confused here. Does the story start when their show is cancelled and Mike retires to the couch and Sukey to NYC? Or is the story the road trip?
The way you have it here, the first 3/4 of the synopsis seems like set up for the actual story: the road trip. If that’s NOT the case, you can fix it by changing the tense to present.
The road trip in the synopsis seems like an afterthought almost but it’s where your story resolves itself. You need to bring it into detailed focus.
I’d look for something that made these characters more than the usual stereotypes too. Why would any one want to marry Mike if he’s an unemployed couch potato? This is way past the 50’s babe, us girls can like yanno..work for a living. Marrying an unemployed couch potato is about the LAST thing a smart woman would choose. Not even if he’s a really great lay. This is PARTICULARLY true of the chick lit genre.
What you’ve got here is Bing and Bob doing a road picture. You’re going to need to really jazz it up to make me think I haven’t already seen this a zillion times.
The Big Things
Pride with pride cannot abide – no other saying could so succinctly sum up the on again, off again relationship of Sukey (Susannah O'Brien) and Mikey (Michael Henderson).
For years, known as SukeynMikey, they've topped the Australian radio ratings with their popular morning show – 'Just Get The Hell Out Of Bed Why Don't You?'. What most people don't know is that their famous banter continued off-air and well into the night, leading to their break-up just over a year ago and the demise of their show.
Sukey has spent her year in NYC, wowing audiences (never of more than three drunk people with free tickets, not that she'd let Mikey know that in a million years, of course) with her stand-up routine.
Mikey has spent his year unemployed, eating pizza in front of the TV, jumping into bed with the next woman who came along, getting her pregnant with twins and asking her to marry him within six months of their getting together (asking Sukey, his partner of five years, had never crossed his mind, of course).
Worlds apart, they've almost forgotten about that little document they signed what seems like a lifetime ago – a contract to make a TV documentary. Knowing they were having off-air problems that were slowly making their way on-air, their agent had stalled the proceedings. But now the production company won't be stalled any longer and it seems Sukey and Mikey will only finally be rid of each other if they fulfill this last duty – a two week tour of The Big Things.
Pitched as 'a bit of a laugh' at the start of their last season together, they were to travel along the East coast of Australia – from the Big Prawn to the Big Banana and all the kitschy tourist spots in-between. Both Sukey and Mikey think their agent, Angela, must be kidding. The two of them working together again? No way.
But Angela's not kidding. And with the production company's lawyers sending threatening letters, Sukey being forced home, penniless and Mikey's wedding looming, the pair collide together to begin the road-trip from hell.
As they travel, meeting some weird and wonderful Australian characters, taking in the Big Things and trying desperately not to want each other, the 'my life couldn't be better' competition escalates. Until the end of the road, that is, where Sukey and Mikey learn something – that love, the biggest Thing of all, sometimes can't be sped past in a mini-van at 100kph.
I’m a tad confused here. Does the story start when their show is cancelled and Mike retires to the couch and Sukey to NYC? Or is the story the road trip?
The way you have it here, the first 3/4 of the synopsis seems like set up for the actual story: the road trip. If that’s NOT the case, you can fix it by changing the tense to present.
The road trip in the synopsis seems like an afterthought almost but it’s where your story resolves itself. You need to bring it into detailed focus.
I’d look for something that made these characters more than the usual stereotypes too. Why would any one want to marry Mike if he’s an unemployed couch potato? This is way past the 50’s babe, us girls can like yanno..work for a living. Marrying an unemployed couch potato is about the LAST thing a smart woman would choose. Not even if he’s a really great lay. This is PARTICULARLY true of the chick lit genre.
What you’ve got here is Bing and Bob doing a road picture. You’re going to need to really jazz it up to make me think I haven’t already seen this a zillion times.
#49 Crapometer
Synopsis of Finding Yesterday Upper middle grade/YA
Most moments in time pass unnoticed. Until it's a moment you wish you could change. Kyle Caroll and Jason Bishop, best friends since they were four, have spent countless moments together. When Kyle accidentally kills Jason with a gun they find, this moment becomes frozen in time. Kyle begins to obsess with the idea that he can return to "yesterday" October 16 -- the day his world shattered.
Kyle goes through a Disposition in the juvenile court system and is sentenced to three years parole. (you mean probation-parole is when you are release from prison early). His life becomes a series of psychology sessions with “Dr. Moo-Moo” and meetings with his lawyer and Parole Officer. School becomes a nightmare. His parents fight constantly. Mel, his sister, won't even speak to him. He can't bring himself to face the Bishop family, wishing they had sent him away forever; wishing he was the one who had been killed.
When Kyle fails all of his classes, he is forced to study with Crabby Crogan the old high school librarian, feared and hated by all students. The library, though, becomes an unlikely refuge for Kyle. Mr. Crogan introduces Kyle to a world of books, and Kyle learns that books are forever. When he catches up on his schoolwork, he begins to read everything he can, hoping he'll find the answer “the thing that will make sense out of everything that has happened.”
Kyle can't get what Mrs. Bishop said to him at the funeral out of his mind. "You did this. You did this. What will you do to bring him back, Kyle? You're the one that took him away,” Afraid his memories of Jason are slipping away, Kyle begins to write everything down about Jason's life, keeping Jason alive with words.
“I decided that from then on, I'd write down everything I remembered because it's weird the stuff you forget, you know? Like try to remember how somebody sounded when they laughed or spoke; somebody you haven't seen for a few months. See, it's hard. It's like everything about that person gets erased.”
Months pass, and Kyle slips into a routine of reading, writing, and hiding in the library. Everything seems like it's getting better until the letters from the Bishop family start to come. Kyle has never been able to face the Bishops since he killed Jason. (you’ve already said this) He refuses to open the letters because each letter reminds him of what he did and how he can never make it better. He writes more and more, filling his journal up with Jason. The journal and Jason become an obsession.
“Every day the journal weighed me down more and more. Each page was filled with him; everything about him. I was trying to bury a dead person, in words, in memories, in stories. But it didn't work. It couldn't work because, in the end, nothing changed. Jason was everywhere. I killed him, but he never went away.”
Throughout the year, Mr. Crogan talks about a book that could make a difference to Kyle “a book that might have the answers. " At the end of the school year Mr. Crogan hands Kyle another journal - a journal for Kyle to write about his own life and his own memories.
“I looked at the new journal. It seemed too easy to fill an empty book with words - with memories. But what did I have that could fill those pages. Who was I if I wasn't Jason Bishop's best friend? Jason Bishop's killer? Jason Bishop's memory keeper? Who could I be without Jason? I won't know what to write.”
Mr. C looked really sad all of sudden. He rubbed his temples. His eyes clouded over. “Don't die with Jason.”
"What do I do with this, though?” I held out Jason. I held out the journal and its heavy pages.
Almost 8 months have passed since October 16 -- yesterday -- the day that Kyle killed Jason. And finally he's ready to face the Bishop family, ask for forgiveness, and begin to live again. Kyle goes to the Bishop's home, heart pounding, journal in hand.
"For a moment, I thought about running away, but some force kept me on that porch. I looked up and saw that Mrs. Bishop had lost weight. Her cheeks sagged a little. I knew I had done that to her."
"My hands trembled, holding out the tattered notebook filled with Jason. "I'm so sorry,” I whispered. "This was the best I could do to bring him back"
She wrapped me in her arms. "I've been waiting for you."
This is a good concept but the execution would need some work before I’d want to read it. First, I’d want to see much more about someone other than Jason and Kyle and the librarian. I’d like to see a stuff about Kyle’s sister particularly.
And I’d like to see Kyle have more than one emotion.
Snippets of dialogue in a synopsis can work, but first person POV thoughts are hard to punctuate clearly enough that I know who’s talking. There’s nothing wrong with telling rather than showing in a synopsis, the exact reverse of the rule for the novel itself.
Most moments in time pass unnoticed. Until it's a moment you wish you could change. Kyle Caroll and Jason Bishop, best friends since they were four, have spent countless moments together. When Kyle accidentally kills Jason with a gun they find, this moment becomes frozen in time. Kyle begins to obsess with the idea that he can return to "yesterday" October 16 -- the day his world shattered.
Kyle goes through a Disposition in the juvenile court system and is sentenced to three years parole. (you mean probation-parole is when you are release from prison early). His life becomes a series of psychology sessions with “Dr. Moo-Moo” and meetings with his lawyer and Parole Officer. School becomes a nightmare. His parents fight constantly. Mel, his sister, won't even speak to him. He can't bring himself to face the Bishop family, wishing they had sent him away forever; wishing he was the one who had been killed.
When Kyle fails all of his classes, he is forced to study with Crabby Crogan the old high school librarian, feared and hated by all students. The library, though, becomes an unlikely refuge for Kyle. Mr. Crogan introduces Kyle to a world of books, and Kyle learns that books are forever. When he catches up on his schoolwork, he begins to read everything he can, hoping he'll find the answer “the thing that will make sense out of everything that has happened.”
Kyle can't get what Mrs. Bishop said to him at the funeral out of his mind. "You did this. You did this. What will you do to bring him back, Kyle? You're the one that took him away,” Afraid his memories of Jason are slipping away, Kyle begins to write everything down about Jason's life, keeping Jason alive with words.
“I decided that from then on, I'd write down everything I remembered because it's weird the stuff you forget, you know? Like try to remember how somebody sounded when they laughed or spoke; somebody you haven't seen for a few months. See, it's hard. It's like everything about that person gets erased.”
Months pass, and Kyle slips into a routine of reading, writing, and hiding in the library. Everything seems like it's getting better until the letters from the Bishop family start to come. Kyle has never been able to face the Bishops since he killed Jason. (you’ve already said this) He refuses to open the letters because each letter reminds him of what he did and how he can never make it better. He writes more and more, filling his journal up with Jason. The journal and Jason become an obsession.
“Every day the journal weighed me down more and more. Each page was filled with him; everything about him. I was trying to bury a dead person, in words, in memories, in stories. But it didn't work. It couldn't work because, in the end, nothing changed. Jason was everywhere. I killed him, but he never went away.”
Throughout the year, Mr. Crogan talks about a book that could make a difference to Kyle “a book that might have the answers. " At the end of the school year Mr. Crogan hands Kyle another journal - a journal for Kyle to write about his own life and his own memories.
“I looked at the new journal. It seemed too easy to fill an empty book with words - with memories. But what did I have that could fill those pages. Who was I if I wasn't Jason Bishop's best friend? Jason Bishop's killer? Jason Bishop's memory keeper? Who could I be without Jason? I won't know what to write.”
Mr. C looked really sad all of sudden. He rubbed his temples. His eyes clouded over. “Don't die with Jason.”
"What do I do with this, though?” I held out Jason. I held out the journal and its heavy pages.
Almost 8 months have passed since October 16 -- yesterday -- the day that Kyle killed Jason. And finally he's ready to face the Bishop family, ask for forgiveness, and begin to live again. Kyle goes to the Bishop's home, heart pounding, journal in hand.
"For a moment, I thought about running away, but some force kept me on that porch. I looked up and saw that Mrs. Bishop had lost weight. Her cheeks sagged a little. I knew I had done that to her."
"My hands trembled, holding out the tattered notebook filled with Jason. "I'm so sorry,” I whispered. "This was the best I could do to bring him back"
She wrapped me in her arms. "I've been waiting for you."
This is a good concept but the execution would need some work before I’d want to read it. First, I’d want to see much more about someone other than Jason and Kyle and the librarian. I’d like to see a stuff about Kyle’s sister particularly.
And I’d like to see Kyle have more than one emotion.
Snippets of dialogue in a synopsis can work, but first person POV thoughts are hard to punctuate clearly enough that I know who’s talking. There’s nothing wrong with telling rather than showing in a synopsis, the exact reverse of the rule for the novel itself.
#48 Crapometer
Genre -- Dark Fantasy
The king of a small island is awoken by his elderly advisor, to discover that he has been entombed for eight years. Unable to offer any explanation for the king's apparent death, the advisor re-introduces him at court, only to encounter suspicion from the new king, and his wife
and advisor, suspicion that rapidly breeds a mutual distrust.
The king is appalled by the changes since his entombment. Why did the holy dragons revolt, and where have they gone? Is the industrialization by The Path of the Moon responsible for draining the land of magic, or are more sinister forces at work?
WTF? A synopsis is an explanation of things. I have no, zero, zilcho clue what is going on here. Magic drains? Holy dragons? Holy Confusion, Batman, conk me with the cluestick, I’m lost.
The old king and his advisor find themselves in secret opposition to the new king's rule, and are accepted by a group of displaced magic workers; in a twist, the new king’s own advisor provides the means to help fund them.
Magic workers. uh huh. WTF?
A raid on a factory uncovers new horrors: surviving dragonlings have been enslaved as power sources, and the magical beasts are little more than imbeciles.
WTF? Dragons are factory made?
While investigating other factories, the old king is pursued by a raving madman who resists all attempts to shake him off.
Yea, this happens to me in Macy’s a lot.
When his group is almost wiped out, the old king must persuade the scattered remnants to make a final raid--their last chance to uncover the truth.
He learns to his dismay that the factories have one purpose: to distill nectar from the sun. Just one taste of the nectar drives him out of his mind. When he confronts his son with his discoveries, his ravings land him in the infirmary.
nectar from the sun? like yanno...liquid hydrogen?
Following a daring rescue by his advisor, the old king learns that his son's advisor is an imposter, and the madman who had trailed them his son’s true advisor. Easing the madman from his magical delirium, they deduce that the island kingdom has been infiltrated by demons who have driven the dragons to the moon and raised their eggs as slaves. The old king and his advisor concoct a plan and summon the dragons back from the moon.
The danger escalates when the new king's advisor deposes him. Seeking an answer to why the demons are leaving the royal family alive, the old king and his advisor realize that the purpose is to prevent their souls asking the gods for intercession.
The new king's wife is rescued in a daring assault on the palace, and a desperate plan is hatched: one of the party must die so that the gods will intervene.
The old king stakes his claim but is pre-empted by his guilt-ridden son. God demands that Hell control its own, and the dragons attack the factories to rescue their young. Faced with an assault on three fronts, the demons are driven back down into Hell. The old king resumes the
throne, and new hope comes to the kingdom when his daughter-in-law is discovered to be pregnant.
This is a mess.
I don’t even know where to start.
It’s not so much that it’s a recitation of events without any kind of coherant world view or structure, or that the physics of the world don’t make sense at all, it’s that it looks like you took every SFF element you ever saw and threw it in.
The initial entombment is never explained. What or who The Path of the Moon is, is never explained. What the old king is raiding is never explained. That's just three examples.
Mess. Big big mess.
The king of a small island is awoken by his elderly advisor, to discover that he has been entombed for eight years. Unable to offer any explanation for the king's apparent death, the advisor re-introduces him at court, only to encounter suspicion from the new king, and his wife
and advisor, suspicion that rapidly breeds a mutual distrust.
The king is appalled by the changes since his entombment. Why did the holy dragons revolt, and where have they gone? Is the industrialization by The Path of the Moon responsible for draining the land of magic, or are more sinister forces at work?
WTF? A synopsis is an explanation of things. I have no, zero, zilcho clue what is going on here. Magic drains? Holy dragons? Holy Confusion, Batman, conk me with the cluestick, I’m lost.
The old king and his advisor find themselves in secret opposition to the new king's rule, and are accepted by a group of displaced magic workers; in a twist, the new king’s own advisor provides the means to help fund them.
Magic workers. uh huh. WTF?
A raid on a factory uncovers new horrors: surviving dragonlings have been enslaved as power sources, and the magical beasts are little more than imbeciles.
WTF? Dragons are factory made?
While investigating other factories, the old king is pursued by a raving madman who resists all attempts to shake him off.
Yea, this happens to me in Macy’s a lot.
When his group is almost wiped out, the old king must persuade the scattered remnants to make a final raid--their last chance to uncover the truth.
He learns to his dismay that the factories have one purpose: to distill nectar from the sun. Just one taste of the nectar drives him out of his mind. When he confronts his son with his discoveries, his ravings land him in the infirmary.
nectar from the sun? like yanno...liquid hydrogen?
Following a daring rescue by his advisor, the old king learns that his son's advisor is an imposter, and the madman who had trailed them his son’s true advisor. Easing the madman from his magical delirium, they deduce that the island kingdom has been infiltrated by demons who have driven the dragons to the moon and raised their eggs as slaves. The old king and his advisor concoct a plan and summon the dragons back from the moon.
The danger escalates when the new king's advisor deposes him. Seeking an answer to why the demons are leaving the royal family alive, the old king and his advisor realize that the purpose is to prevent their souls asking the gods for intercession.
The new king's wife is rescued in a daring assault on the palace, and a desperate plan is hatched: one of the party must die so that the gods will intervene.
The old king stakes his claim but is pre-empted by his guilt-ridden son. God demands that Hell control its own, and the dragons attack the factories to rescue their young. Faced with an assault on three fronts, the demons are driven back down into Hell. The old king resumes the
throne, and new hope comes to the kingdom when his daughter-in-law is discovered to be pregnant.
This is a mess.
I don’t even know where to start.
It’s not so much that it’s a recitation of events without any kind of coherant world view or structure, or that the physics of the world don’t make sense at all, it’s that it looks like you took every SFF element you ever saw and threw it in.
The initial entombment is never explained. What or who The Path of the Moon is, is never explained. What the old king is raiding is never explained. That's just three examples.
Mess. Big big mess.
#47 Crapometer
Category: historical romance
THE SERGEANT'S LADY
SYNOPSIS
Highborn heiress Anna Arrington cannot grieve when her cruel husband, a captain in Wellington's army, dies in Spain in the summer of 1811. All she wants is to return to her family's castle in the Highlands and put her disastrous marriage behind her.
why the hell is Anna in Spain in the middle of a war?
Jack Wilcox, son of an innkeeper, is a sergeant without grand ambitions. He wants to survive the war, go home, purchase a small farm, and settle down.
how did he get into the Army?
They meet under unusual circumstances, helping a camp follower give birth along a roadside while the army is on the march. The shared trial draws them together in friendship and attraction, though neither expects to see the other again. After all, they come from different
worlds, and Anna intends to sail for home as soon as she can.
what does Jack show or offer to Anna that makes her see past his much lower rank. More specifics (instead of friendship and attraction) will help us understand what makes this plot work.
Her chance arrives in the form of a convoy carrying wounded to Lisbon to recuperate. When she discovers Jack among the soldiers assigned to escort the convoy she is delighted, hoping that their friendship will make the long, rigorous journey pass more pleasantly.
Several days into their journey, the convoy is surprised and captured by a larger French force. When the colonel commanding the French regiment attempts to rape Anna, Jack comes to her rescue. Realizing that Jack will be executed and Anna will remain under threat from the
colonel if they stay, they flee the camp and escape under cover of darkness.
Once the immediate danger of capture has passed, their mutual attraction asserts itself. Jack is determined to resist it. He knows there is no future for two people so disparate in rank, and he reckons the best way to avoid heartbreak is to follow the rules and stay apart. Anna, however, believes that their days alone together are a gift from the fates. Bitter and wounded from her failed marriage, she uses their passion to prove herself a worthy, desirable woman. She prevails, and on the night before they return to the British army, they become lovers.
Though they intend to go their separate ways after their one night, it's too late for that. They have fallen deeply in love, and they cannot bear to be apart. Over the next month, they have a desperate affair, sneaking whatever privacy they can find in the crowded camp, knowing that every moment is stolen and a future together is impossible.
An impoverished young officer in Jack's regiment discovers their affair and sees in it an opportunity to make Anna's substantial fortune his own. He confronts her alone in her room late one night, threatening to take advantage of the smoke and confusion of battle to murder Jack unless she agrees to marry him. As they argue, she holds him at bay with a pistol. When he attempts to disarm her, the gun goes off, killing him. Anna flees for home to avoid discovery and the scandal of a trial.
cause no one will notice a dead officer in her room?
After leaving the army behind she realizes she is pregnant, which stuns her, because she'd believed herself barren. She decides to act as if the child were her husband's, conceived just before his death. She goes to her brother's home and there gives birth to a healthy son.
Meanwhile, Jack is discharged from the army after receiving severe wounds in battle. Shortly thereafter he learns that Anna has had a baby. He seeks her out upon his return to Britain to find out if the child is his and why she didn't tell him about her pregnancy.
When they make peace about their son, they realize they are still in love. However, Jack believes there is no way for them to be together. He slips away at dawn without saying goodbye, leaving behind a note asking that she keep him informed about their son's progress.
But Anna knows now that home is no longer her beloved Scottish castle--it's wherever Jack is. She pursues him and asks him to marry her. Yet simply knowing they must be together does not make such an unequal match easy. Together they must find the courage to sacrifice
the lives they thought they wanted and meet in the middle.
Ultimately they establish a home of their own and find a shared mission in using Anna's fortune and Jack's expertise to help other wounded soldiers rebuild their lives.
This is pretty good. You’re missing critical details that give us a sense of why things happen. I’d also be looking for a very compelling sense of place; as though the locations are almost characters in the novel too. And of course, fresh insights into what life was like in 1811 would help get this past the tried and true plot of boy meets girl, travails ensue, happily ever after.
THE SERGEANT'S LADY
SYNOPSIS
Highborn heiress Anna Arrington cannot grieve when her cruel husband, a captain in Wellington's army, dies in Spain in the summer of 1811. All she wants is to return to her family's castle in the Highlands and put her disastrous marriage behind her.
why the hell is Anna in Spain in the middle of a war?
Jack Wilcox, son of an innkeeper, is a sergeant without grand ambitions. He wants to survive the war, go home, purchase a small farm, and settle down.
how did he get into the Army?
They meet under unusual circumstances, helping a camp follower give birth along a roadside while the army is on the march. The shared trial draws them together in friendship and attraction, though neither expects to see the other again. After all, they come from different
worlds, and Anna intends to sail for home as soon as she can.
what does Jack show or offer to Anna that makes her see past his much lower rank. More specifics (instead of friendship and attraction) will help us understand what makes this plot work.
Her chance arrives in the form of a convoy carrying wounded to Lisbon to recuperate. When she discovers Jack among the soldiers assigned to escort the convoy she is delighted, hoping that their friendship will make the long, rigorous journey pass more pleasantly.
Several days into their journey, the convoy is surprised and captured by a larger French force. When the colonel commanding the French regiment attempts to rape Anna, Jack comes to her rescue. Realizing that Jack will be executed and Anna will remain under threat from the
colonel if they stay, they flee the camp and escape under cover of darkness.
Once the immediate danger of capture has passed, their mutual attraction asserts itself. Jack is determined to resist it. He knows there is no future for two people so disparate in rank, and he reckons the best way to avoid heartbreak is to follow the rules and stay apart. Anna, however, believes that their days alone together are a gift from the fates. Bitter and wounded from her failed marriage, she uses their passion to prove herself a worthy, desirable woman. She prevails, and on the night before they return to the British army, they become lovers.
Though they intend to go their separate ways after their one night, it's too late for that. They have fallen deeply in love, and they cannot bear to be apart. Over the next month, they have a desperate affair, sneaking whatever privacy they can find in the crowded camp, knowing that every moment is stolen and a future together is impossible.
An impoverished young officer in Jack's regiment discovers their affair and sees in it an opportunity to make Anna's substantial fortune his own. He confronts her alone in her room late one night, threatening to take advantage of the smoke and confusion of battle to murder Jack unless she agrees to marry him. As they argue, she holds him at bay with a pistol. When he attempts to disarm her, the gun goes off, killing him. Anna flees for home to avoid discovery and the scandal of a trial.
cause no one will notice a dead officer in her room?
After leaving the army behind she realizes she is pregnant, which stuns her, because she'd believed herself barren. She decides to act as if the child were her husband's, conceived just before his death. She goes to her brother's home and there gives birth to a healthy son.
Meanwhile, Jack is discharged from the army after receiving severe wounds in battle. Shortly thereafter he learns that Anna has had a baby. He seeks her out upon his return to Britain to find out if the child is his and why she didn't tell him about her pregnancy.
When they make peace about their son, they realize they are still in love. However, Jack believes there is no way for them to be together. He slips away at dawn without saying goodbye, leaving behind a note asking that she keep him informed about their son's progress.
But Anna knows now that home is no longer her beloved Scottish castle--it's wherever Jack is. She pursues him and asks him to marry her. Yet simply knowing they must be together does not make such an unequal match easy. Together they must find the courage to sacrifice
the lives they thought they wanted and meet in the middle.
Ultimately they establish a home of their own and find a shared mission in using Anna's fortune and Jack's expertise to help other wounded soldiers rebuild their lives.
This is pretty good. You’re missing critical details that give us a sense of why things happen. I’d also be looking for a very compelling sense of place; as though the locations are almost characters in the novel too. And of course, fresh insights into what life was like in 1811 would help get this past the tried and true plot of boy meets girl, travails ensue, happily ever after.
#46 Crapometer
Genre: Commercial fiction likely to find a home with an independent publisher. It's not a thriller, horror or science fiction novel. It fits more in that grey area grandfathered by Chuck Palahniuk.
Novel's title: WHEN LEFTIES KILL
Synopsis
What kind of world would it be if peace activists engaged in pre-emptive strikes; if a group of them kidnapped a police officer; if victims stalked pedophiles on the internet; if drug users got jobs as narcs; if non-violent protesters had a hand in murder?
Probably Beth’s, a former activist who gets roped into attending the latest not-to-be-missed G8 Summit protest by her best friend Krisi, a homicidal cutie-pie with bigger plans than placard shaking.
Your construction here is confusing. You should put "Probably Beth's" at the close of the first paragraph and start the second with "Beth, a former activist gets roped into." When I first read this I thought Probably Beths was her name. We see what we expect, and I am used to reading names at the start of a synopsis.
Initially, Krisi works toward becoming a decoy in the police department’s child exploitation unit in the hopes of avenging the rape and murder of her little brother. However, Beth soon discovers that her friend has been stalking a pedophile by the name of Spidey online and plans to capture him during the protest.
what the F is a pedophile doing at a G8 protest?
Despite Beth’s objections Krisi still manages to capture and torture the man. Meanwhile the group of activists the two friends went to the protest with has kidnapped a police officer.
why? are the police inherently bad in this story?
With the help of some enamored young men, a handful of drugs and dumb luck the bodies of the officer and pedophile are disposed of together in a city park.
After the protest Krisi goes on the lam while Beth makes plans to escape to Mexico with the young men.
The novel ends with Beth’s group approaching the American border still uncertain if they did the right thing.
that’s the ending?
The story also takes a look at the effectiveness of protests, third world aid, torture, politically-correct language, how activists are depicted in the media, pre-emptive arrests and left-wing themes in cartoons – to name only a few topics.
Voice is all in a Chuck Pahliniuk novel. Your synopis is a rendition of events, some of which seem absurd without the absurdity having a point.
You’d do better to give me some sense of voice and more details here.
Novel's title: WHEN LEFTIES KILL
Synopsis
What kind of world would it be if peace activists engaged in pre-emptive strikes; if a group of them kidnapped a police officer; if victims stalked pedophiles on the internet; if drug users got jobs as narcs; if non-violent protesters had a hand in murder?
Probably Beth’s, a former activist who gets roped into attending the latest not-to-be-missed G8 Summit protest by her best friend Krisi, a homicidal cutie-pie with bigger plans than placard shaking.
Your construction here is confusing. You should put "Probably Beth's" at the close of the first paragraph and start the second with "Beth, a former activist gets roped into." When I first read this I thought Probably Beths was her name. We see what we expect, and I am used to reading names at the start of a synopsis.
Initially, Krisi works toward becoming a decoy in the police department’s child exploitation unit in the hopes of avenging the rape and murder of her little brother. However, Beth soon discovers that her friend has been stalking a pedophile by the name of Spidey online and plans to capture him during the protest.
what the F is a pedophile doing at a G8 protest?
Despite Beth’s objections Krisi still manages to capture and torture the man. Meanwhile the group of activists the two friends went to the protest with has kidnapped a police officer.
why? are the police inherently bad in this story?
With the help of some enamored young men, a handful of drugs and dumb luck the bodies of the officer and pedophile are disposed of together in a city park.
After the protest Krisi goes on the lam while Beth makes plans to escape to Mexico with the young men.
The novel ends with Beth’s group approaching the American border still uncertain if they did the right thing.
that’s the ending?
The story also takes a look at the effectiveness of protests, third world aid, torture, politically-correct language, how activists are depicted in the media, pre-emptive arrests and left-wing themes in cartoons – to name only a few topics.
Voice is all in a Chuck Pahliniuk novel. Your synopis is a rendition of events, some of which seem absurd without the absurdity having a point.
You’d do better to give me some sense of voice and more details here.
#45 Crapometer
Genre: Soft-boiled mystery
Temporary-employment agency owner Penney Maxwell agrees to look for her friend Celeste’s husband. When she finds Joel with a pistol in his hand and a hole in his head, and Lt. Brock Shaffer declares Joel’s death a suicide, Penney reluctantly begins her own investigation.
Brock finally agrees her murder theory might have merit, but his prime suspect is Celeste. Penney has to find Joel’s murderer to prove her best friend innocent. So she takes on various temporary jobs, hoping to uncover the truth about the accountant’s unexplained death. While driving a Kangaroo Hop airport shuttle Penney encounters her old college flame, Ash Moffett and sexy landscaper, Riley Boudreaux.
Posing as a cleaning lady, Penney searches the DrugCo offices in Memphis and finds information concerning Joel’s murder…then she overhears Riley accept a contract on her life. Penney suspects she’s close to finding the murderer when death threats arrive and she’s nearly run down by a DrugCo truck.
Panicked, she turns to her computer-whiz friend Angela for help. They discover that Brock and Ash are cousins and have been working together, with Brock masterminding a crystal meth scheme to maintain his former NFL lifestyle and Ash murdering Joel to protect the secret.
Needing proof, Penney and Angela travel to rural Arkansas and wind up getting lost in the swamp. First to find the women is Riley, who’s actually an undercover FBI agent. Ash surprises the group and holds them at gunpoint until, distracted by Angela, Penney wounds Ash with Riley’s backup pistol. While watching Ash being handcuffed, Penney realizes she never really loved him. She vows to get on with her life by investing her time and energy making AAA Aardvark Staffing more successful.
Soft boiled and cozy mysteries allow weird ass set ups like amateur sleuths all the time, so the obvious ludicrousness of a temporary staffing agency owner solving crimes is actually not a problem.
I’d read this. I’d be looking carefully for compelling, likable characters who are interesting. There are obvious comparisons to Elaine Viets’ novels here. Hers work really well cause they are funny and show the reader fresh aspects of businesses they thought they knew. I’ll never look at a bridal shop business the same way again after reading Just Murdered.
This synopsis doesn’t shoot you in the foot but it doesn’t grab me either.
Temporary-employment agency owner Penney Maxwell agrees to look for her friend Celeste’s husband. When she finds Joel with a pistol in his hand and a hole in his head, and Lt. Brock Shaffer declares Joel’s death a suicide, Penney reluctantly begins her own investigation.
Brock finally agrees her murder theory might have merit, but his prime suspect is Celeste. Penney has to find Joel’s murderer to prove her best friend innocent. So she takes on various temporary jobs, hoping to uncover the truth about the accountant’s unexplained death. While driving a Kangaroo Hop airport shuttle Penney encounters her old college flame, Ash Moffett and sexy landscaper, Riley Boudreaux.
Posing as a cleaning lady, Penney searches the DrugCo offices in Memphis and finds information concerning Joel’s murder…then she overhears Riley accept a contract on her life. Penney suspects she’s close to finding the murderer when death threats arrive and she’s nearly run down by a DrugCo truck.
Panicked, she turns to her computer-whiz friend Angela for help. They discover that Brock and Ash are cousins and have been working together, with Brock masterminding a crystal meth scheme to maintain his former NFL lifestyle and Ash murdering Joel to protect the secret.
Needing proof, Penney and Angela travel to rural Arkansas and wind up getting lost in the swamp. First to find the women is Riley, who’s actually an undercover FBI agent. Ash surprises the group and holds them at gunpoint until, distracted by Angela, Penney wounds Ash with Riley’s backup pistol. While watching Ash being handcuffed, Penney realizes she never really loved him. She vows to get on with her life by investing her time and energy making AAA Aardvark Staffing more successful.
Soft boiled and cozy mysteries allow weird ass set ups like amateur sleuths all the time, so the obvious ludicrousness of a temporary staffing agency owner solving crimes is actually not a problem.
I’d read this. I’d be looking carefully for compelling, likable characters who are interesting. There are obvious comparisons to Elaine Viets’ novels here. Hers work really well cause they are funny and show the reader fresh aspects of businesses they thought they knew. I’ll never look at a bridal shop business the same way again after reading Just Murdered.
This synopsis doesn’t shoot you in the foot but it doesn’t grab me either.
#44 Crapometer
Category: single title romance
After a rootless childhood being dragged to a new city with each of her mother's five marriages, Daisy Richards is firmly planted in a suburb of Los Angeles. As head of a small library, her goal is to revitalize reading in the lives of children and adults. She believes popular culture is directly responsible for dumbing down America. Her quiet controlled life changes completely the day sports entertainment star Mike "Goliath" Morgan walks into her library.
After a wrestling accident on live TV, Samson and Goliath's careers may be over. With bills for his brother Sam's care piling up, Mike has been offered a part in a movie, which would more than help to pay for things. He just has one problem; he needs to learn how to read. He's relieved when the cute but fierce librarian says she'll help him, and she won't reveal his secret shame.
In no time, Daisy's neatly ordered world starts to come unglued. Goliath takes up too much space in the conference room at their reading lessons and in her kitchen when he helps her niece, Amy, make cookies for a Bake Sale. Children love him, her cat adores him, and the neighbor's dog does what the big man tells him to. Even she is beginning to warm toward him. When Mike reads his first picture book and impulsively kisses Daisy, the librarian discovers she's in big trouble.
Since receiving an earful of Daisy's sentiments about pop-culture in general--and Hollywood in particular--Mike hasn't told her about his upcoming movie role. As he slowly learns his lines, he discovers the script doesn't resemble the high-concept pitch. What's worse, he--a committed vegetarian--is playing the part of a cannibal! But he signed on for this supporting part, and he needs the money for Sam.
As a big library fundraiser nears, Daisy puts out one fire after another. Then, in a stunning blow, her emcee is arrested.
For the second time, she spies Mike in the children's section. This time he's acting out a story while her niece reads to an enthralled crowd of kids and their parents. Daisy asks Mike to emcee, and he agrees.
Ticket sales explode once word gets out that Goliath is part of the event. Daisy is happy, yet dismayed that the draw for the evening is wrestling and not books.
Knowing this, Mike hurts for Daisy. When the big night arrives, he goes public about his illiteracy in an emotional and unplanned testimonial about the value of reading and libraries. He tells the audience to give until it hurts, and they do.
Daisy is profoundly touched by this tribute. There's a sellout crowd and the silent auction items--including Mike's wrestling workshop--are going for overvalue.
Later that night, intoxicated by success from the fundraiser and no longer able to control their growing passion and feelings for each other, they make hot, tender love.
The next morning over breakfast with Mike, Daisy reads a mention of Mike's upcoming film in the paper. At first she doubts it--after all, you can't believe everything you read. But he confirms the truth, and she can't contain her disappointment.
She'd thought that in teaching him to read she was changing his life for the better, even changing the world for the better. But wasting his talents in a cannibal flick shows he's not as smart as she thought he was. Daisy is upset that Mike is a philistine after all. Since she knew she had no business getting involved with him, this hurts all the more.
Mike knows Daisy is right. It's a stupid film and he's stupid for being in it. And it's painfully clear that as much as he admires and respects her, they don't belong together.
Two weeks later, filming is done and the day of the Wrestling Workshop has arrived. Mike is surprised to see Daisy with the parents. Impulsively, he asks her out to dinner and surprisingly she agrees.
That night, Mike tells Daisy he's leaving in the morning; he's going back to wrestling. He wants nothing more to do with movies or Hollywood. The experience was awful, and he'd just as soon never do it again.
Daisy is stunned. She'd come to apologize, prepared to accept his burgeoning career, now she must accept he's going to be wrestling again? To bleed for money? What's worse, it means he'll be leaving and going back on the road.
Knowing it's their last, they spend the night making love with bittersweet tenderness. Mike uses his finger to trace "I love you" on a sleeping Daisy's back before he leaves in the morning.
Daisy's life feels empty with Mike gone. When her gypsy mother arrives out of the blue, Daisy unburdens herself. She realizes that in trying not to be like her mother, she's not been true to herself. She loves the big man with all her heart. Changing her life so there's room for him is the smart thing to do. She must tell him she can't live without him.
Life on the road is grueling. Mike misses Daisy. He loves her, but that isn't enough. They are in two different worlds. If he were smarter he would have more options. He can only read at a second grade level. He doesn't have enough to offer a woman like her.
Then at a match, in the sea of signs held by the fans, he spots one that gets his attention: "Mike Marry Me?" He catches a glimpse of Daisy just before he's knocked cold.
Mike regains consciousness to hear Daisy telling him she loves him just the way he is.
A letter brings good news: because of his impressive work with the children at the wrestling workshop, a private school in L.A. wants to hire Mike as their coach. Now he can grow roots with Daisy, finish school, even get a teaching credential.
In an epilogue, they marry in a small ceremony in Daisy's garden.
This is a good crisp synopsis. Not much voice, but as I recall, the first page of this is pretty good, so you'd be ok with this.
I’d be watching very very carefully for clichés and snobbishness in the novel itself; it’s pretty easy to get worked up about “dumbing down” and “crass cannibal movies”. The trick is to give Daisy enough substance that her antipathy toward pop culture feels real, not just a set up for the eventual character development.
Plus, not many librarians I know are snobs. Literary agents, university english professors, and writers of literary fiction--snob with a capital Sneer, you bet. Librarians, nope.
Your whole premise is based on Mike's brother Samson not having medical insurance. I'm guessing those guys are insured to the max if only for the liability issue of the wrestling federation.
After a rootless childhood being dragged to a new city with each of her mother's five marriages, Daisy Richards is firmly planted in a suburb of Los Angeles. As head of a small library, her goal is to revitalize reading in the lives of children and adults. She believes popular culture is directly responsible for dumbing down America. Her quiet controlled life changes completely the day sports entertainment star Mike "Goliath" Morgan walks into her library.
After a wrestling accident on live TV, Samson and Goliath's careers may be over. With bills for his brother Sam's care piling up, Mike has been offered a part in a movie, which would more than help to pay for things. He just has one problem; he needs to learn how to read. He's relieved when the cute but fierce librarian says she'll help him, and she won't reveal his secret shame.
In no time, Daisy's neatly ordered world starts to come unglued. Goliath takes up too much space in the conference room at their reading lessons and in her kitchen when he helps her niece, Amy, make cookies for a Bake Sale. Children love him, her cat adores him, and the neighbor's dog does what the big man tells him to. Even she is beginning to warm toward him. When Mike reads his first picture book and impulsively kisses Daisy, the librarian discovers she's in big trouble.
Since receiving an earful of Daisy's sentiments about pop-culture in general--and Hollywood in particular--Mike hasn't told her about his upcoming movie role. As he slowly learns his lines, he discovers the script doesn't resemble the high-concept pitch. What's worse, he--a committed vegetarian--is playing the part of a cannibal! But he signed on for this supporting part, and he needs the money for Sam.
As a big library fundraiser nears, Daisy puts out one fire after another. Then, in a stunning blow, her emcee is arrested.
For the second time, she spies Mike in the children's section. This time he's acting out a story while her niece reads to an enthralled crowd of kids and their parents. Daisy asks Mike to emcee, and he agrees.
Ticket sales explode once word gets out that Goliath is part of the event. Daisy is happy, yet dismayed that the draw for the evening is wrestling and not books.
Knowing this, Mike hurts for Daisy. When the big night arrives, he goes public about his illiteracy in an emotional and unplanned testimonial about the value of reading and libraries. He tells the audience to give until it hurts, and they do.
Daisy is profoundly touched by this tribute. There's a sellout crowd and the silent auction items--including Mike's wrestling workshop--are going for overvalue.
Later that night, intoxicated by success from the fundraiser and no longer able to control their growing passion and feelings for each other, they make hot, tender love.
The next morning over breakfast with Mike, Daisy reads a mention of Mike's upcoming film in the paper. At first she doubts it--after all, you can't believe everything you read. But he confirms the truth, and she can't contain her disappointment.
She'd thought that in teaching him to read she was changing his life for the better, even changing the world for the better. But wasting his talents in a cannibal flick shows he's not as smart as she thought he was. Daisy is upset that Mike is a philistine after all. Since she knew she had no business getting involved with him, this hurts all the more.
Mike knows Daisy is right. It's a stupid film and he's stupid for being in it. And it's painfully clear that as much as he admires and respects her, they don't belong together.
Two weeks later, filming is done and the day of the Wrestling Workshop has arrived. Mike is surprised to see Daisy with the parents. Impulsively, he asks her out to dinner and surprisingly she agrees.
That night, Mike tells Daisy he's leaving in the morning; he's going back to wrestling. He wants nothing more to do with movies or Hollywood. The experience was awful, and he'd just as soon never do it again.
Daisy is stunned. She'd come to apologize, prepared to accept his burgeoning career, now she must accept he's going to be wrestling again? To bleed for money? What's worse, it means he'll be leaving and going back on the road.
Knowing it's their last, they spend the night making love with bittersweet tenderness. Mike uses his finger to trace "I love you" on a sleeping Daisy's back before he leaves in the morning.
Daisy's life feels empty with Mike gone. When her gypsy mother arrives out of the blue, Daisy unburdens herself. She realizes that in trying not to be like her mother, she's not been true to herself. She loves the big man with all her heart. Changing her life so there's room for him is the smart thing to do. She must tell him she can't live without him.
Life on the road is grueling. Mike misses Daisy. He loves her, but that isn't enough. They are in two different worlds. If he were smarter he would have more options. He can only read at a second grade level. He doesn't have enough to offer a woman like her.
Then at a match, in the sea of signs held by the fans, he spots one that gets his attention: "Mike Marry Me?" He catches a glimpse of Daisy just before he's knocked cold.
Mike regains consciousness to hear Daisy telling him she loves him just the way he is.
A letter brings good news: because of his impressive work with the children at the wrestling workshop, a private school in L.A. wants to hire Mike as their coach. Now he can grow roots with Daisy, finish school, even get a teaching credential.
In an epilogue, they marry in a small ceremony in Daisy's garden.
This is a good crisp synopsis. Not much voice, but as I recall, the first page of this is pretty good, so you'd be ok with this.
I’d be watching very very carefully for clichés and snobbishness in the novel itself; it’s pretty easy to get worked up about “dumbing down” and “crass cannibal movies”. The trick is to give Daisy enough substance that her antipathy toward pop culture feels real, not just a set up for the eventual character development.
Plus, not many librarians I know are snobs. Literary agents, university english professors, and writers of literary fiction--snob with a capital Sneer, you bet. Librarians, nope.
Your whole premise is based on Mike's brother Samson not having medical insurance. I'm guessing those guys are insured to the max if only for the liability issue of the wrestling federation.
12.28.2005
#43 Crapometer
Title: Perchance to Sleep
Genre: Romantic Suspense
What if you needed to lose forty pounds, but diets didn't work? What if you could fall asleep and not wake again until your body absorbed the extra weight without harm to you? How much would you be willing to pay?
These are the stakes as a woman with a secret past joins forces with an Army officer to locate her missing ex-lover. A hired killer follows their every move.
Sarah Kirk teaches zoology at a Dallas university. Her work is interrupted when the police arrive with news that Dr. Carl Gilman, her former lover, disappeared on the same night his Virginia lab was destroyed by arson. The authorities hope Sarah can direct them to Gilman, who telephoned her the night he vanished. Sarah missed the call and is unable to help.
The arsonist, Larry Dane, later attacks Sarah at home, trying to torture her into revealing Gilman's whereabouts. Sarah, who survived an abusive past that left two of her sisters dead, kills him.
Anxious to find answers, she agrees to help Major Matthew Kendall of Armed Forces Medical Intelligence track down Gilman, a geneticist who was doing DNA research funded by the Army. The trail leads them to a lab at Fort Detrick, outside of Washington, D.C. There, they learn that Gilman faked paperwork to obtain authorization to use specialized equipment.
A search of the Dane's apartment turns up slides that were stolen the night of the fire. The Army does its own examination and discovers one of the slides is from a human with a unique DNA profile. The profile would support the practical application of human hibernation, which has only been a theory until now.
The Army has been studying hibernation because of its enormous potential. If humans could be induced into a state of hibernation, wounded soldiers could be kept alive longer. Long-term space travel might be made possible by hibernation. Commercial applications include putting obese people into hibernation during which they can lose weight. The financial rewards of a breakthrough in hibernation studies suggest an explanation for Gilman's secrecy and disappearance.
Matt and Sarah are not alone in their investigation. A hired assassin nicknamed Fredo is stalking them. His orders are to locate Gilman and his research. Fredo's unnamed but elderly employer's frantic determination to obtain Gilman's work intrigues the assassin, who decides he may be able to profit from the data. Fredo kills two servicemen, stealing their identities, in order to get on the base at Fort Detrick.
Matt and Sarah negotiate their relationship. She learns to trust him, and they become lovers.
Gilman contacts Sarah, promising an explanation. Out of loyalty to him, she doesn't tell Matt. She agrees to meet with Gilman in secret outside an embassy reception.
Fredo follows Sarah but, when Matt interrupts the meet, shoots Gilman. As he dies, Gilman whispers strange words--Hindu Kush and Noshaq. Sarah learns the words refer to a remote mountain region in Afghanistan.
The Afghan connection worries Matt that Gilman might have been working on a biological weapon. Sarah disagrees. When the police find a note scribbled by Gilman, she begins to suspect that the tissue samples come from a race living in the Hindu Kush mountains. Assuming that a remote tribe evolved the capacity to hibernate as a survival mechanism in that frigid climate, she convinces Matt to pursue her theory by locating experts on Afghan tribes.
Matt's commanding officer, Colonel Frederick, is incensed by what he describes as a ridiculous line of inquiry and threatens discipline. Frederick rescinds Sarah's invitation to stay at Fort Detrick and dispatches Matt to follow up on the biological weapon theory.
Nils Sperber, an elderly lobbyist, and his beautiful young wife invite Sarah to become their house guest. Wanting to remain in the Washington area near Matt, Sarah accepts.
Sarah is assaulted by a teenage gang, but is saved by Fredo, who immediately disappears.
She pursues her hibernation theory. She learns that, centuries ago, soldiers in Alexander the Great's army reportedly deserted in the Hindu Kush region. Since that time, there have been fair-skinned people living on Noshaq. This is where the tale of Shangri-La originated.
Sperber invites Sarah and Matt to attend a diplomatic function at the Hay-Adams Hotel. While attending, Sarah is lured outside and kidnapped. She is taken to a laboratory in Bethesda where Matt's commanding officer, Colonel Frederick, confronts her. She learns he arranged for the arson, Gilman's murder and her kidnapping.
Colonel Frederick suffers from Alzheimer's and has been concealing the fact. When the U.S. entered Afghanistan, a team searching the remote mountain caves detonated a bomb, accidentally killing members of a blue-eyed, fair-skinned tribe. During the subsequent investigation, Colonel Frederick learned of local legends that these tribesmen hibernated through the winter. Frederick conceived a desperate plan to be put into a state of hibernation to preserve his life until an Alzheimer's cure can be discovered. He bribed Gilman to conduct studies on tissue samples to determine whether genetic manipulation might provide a viable solution.
Gilman's hunger for commercial profit prompted him to withhold data from Frederick. Gilman tried to contact Sarah, intending to use her zoology background to help locate the tribe. (that connection eludes me...zoology helps you locate people?)
When Frederick discovered Gilman was double-crossing him, he hired Dane, who made two mistakes: he set fire to the lab before securing Gilman, and he lingered to watch his fire. A student saw the blaze and called Gilman with the news. The geneticist realized Frederick was onto him and engineered his own disappearance.
After Sarah killed Dane, Frederick hired Fredo.
Fearful that Sarah was getting close, Frederick had her kidnapped, expecting Matt to follow. He plans to stage a homicide/suicide, using Sarah's violent background to suggest that she killed Matt and herself during a lover's quarrel.
Matt falls into the trap but, before the colonel can kill the lovers, Fredo shoots Frederick and takes off with the samples.
Sarah and Matt decide to marry and to lead a team into the Afghan mountains to locate the tribe.
Pretty snappy action but we get no sense of your voice here. If you have five good pages to lead off, I’d probably read this. The idea of a guy making his dying words a code is a bit um...over used at this point but fixable.
The resolution sounds like an information dump, as though someone explains it all at the end rather than Sarah and Matt figuring things out. I think that's a weakness in a novel.
Other than that, this is good.
Genre: Romantic Suspense
What if you needed to lose forty pounds, but diets didn't work? What if you could fall asleep and not wake again until your body absorbed the extra weight without harm to you? How much would you be willing to pay?
These are the stakes as a woman with a secret past joins forces with an Army officer to locate her missing ex-lover. A hired killer follows their every move.
Sarah Kirk teaches zoology at a Dallas university. Her work is interrupted when the police arrive with news that Dr. Carl Gilman, her former lover, disappeared on the same night his Virginia lab was destroyed by arson. The authorities hope Sarah can direct them to Gilman, who telephoned her the night he vanished. Sarah missed the call and is unable to help.
The arsonist, Larry Dane, later attacks Sarah at home, trying to torture her into revealing Gilman's whereabouts. Sarah, who survived an abusive past that left two of her sisters dead, kills him.
Anxious to find answers, she agrees to help Major Matthew Kendall of Armed Forces Medical Intelligence track down Gilman, a geneticist who was doing DNA research funded by the Army. The trail leads them to a lab at Fort Detrick, outside of Washington, D.C. There, they learn that Gilman faked paperwork to obtain authorization to use specialized equipment.
A search of the Dane's apartment turns up slides that were stolen the night of the fire. The Army does its own examination and discovers one of the slides is from a human with a unique DNA profile. The profile would support the practical application of human hibernation, which has only been a theory until now.
The Army has been studying hibernation because of its enormous potential. If humans could be induced into a state of hibernation, wounded soldiers could be kept alive longer. Long-term space travel might be made possible by hibernation. Commercial applications include putting obese people into hibernation during which they can lose weight. The financial rewards of a breakthrough in hibernation studies suggest an explanation for Gilman's secrecy and disappearance.
Matt and Sarah are not alone in their investigation. A hired assassin nicknamed Fredo is stalking them. His orders are to locate Gilman and his research. Fredo's unnamed but elderly employer's frantic determination to obtain Gilman's work intrigues the assassin, who decides he may be able to profit from the data. Fredo kills two servicemen, stealing their identities, in order to get on the base at Fort Detrick.
Matt and Sarah negotiate their relationship. She learns to trust him, and they become lovers.
Gilman contacts Sarah, promising an explanation. Out of loyalty to him, she doesn't tell Matt. She agrees to meet with Gilman in secret outside an embassy reception.
Fredo follows Sarah but, when Matt interrupts the meet, shoots Gilman. As he dies, Gilman whispers strange words--Hindu Kush and Noshaq. Sarah learns the words refer to a remote mountain region in Afghanistan.
The Afghan connection worries Matt that Gilman might have been working on a biological weapon. Sarah disagrees. When the police find a note scribbled by Gilman, she begins to suspect that the tissue samples come from a race living in the Hindu Kush mountains. Assuming that a remote tribe evolved the capacity to hibernate as a survival mechanism in that frigid climate, she convinces Matt to pursue her theory by locating experts on Afghan tribes.
Matt's commanding officer, Colonel Frederick, is incensed by what he describes as a ridiculous line of inquiry and threatens discipline. Frederick rescinds Sarah's invitation to stay at Fort Detrick and dispatches Matt to follow up on the biological weapon theory.
Nils Sperber, an elderly lobbyist, and his beautiful young wife invite Sarah to become their house guest. Wanting to remain in the Washington area near Matt, Sarah accepts.
Sarah is assaulted by a teenage gang, but is saved by Fredo, who immediately disappears.
She pursues her hibernation theory. She learns that, centuries ago, soldiers in Alexander the Great's army reportedly deserted in the Hindu Kush region. Since that time, there have been fair-skinned people living on Noshaq. This is where the tale of Shangri-La originated.
Sperber invites Sarah and Matt to attend a diplomatic function at the Hay-Adams Hotel. While attending, Sarah is lured outside and kidnapped. She is taken to a laboratory in Bethesda where Matt's commanding officer, Colonel Frederick, confronts her. She learns he arranged for the arson, Gilman's murder and her kidnapping.
Colonel Frederick suffers from Alzheimer's and has been concealing the fact. When the U.S. entered Afghanistan, a team searching the remote mountain caves detonated a bomb, accidentally killing members of a blue-eyed, fair-skinned tribe. During the subsequent investigation, Colonel Frederick learned of local legends that these tribesmen hibernated through the winter. Frederick conceived a desperate plan to be put into a state of hibernation to preserve his life until an Alzheimer's cure can be discovered. He bribed Gilman to conduct studies on tissue samples to determine whether genetic manipulation might provide a viable solution.
Gilman's hunger for commercial profit prompted him to withhold data from Frederick. Gilman tried to contact Sarah, intending to use her zoology background to help locate the tribe. (that connection eludes me...zoology helps you locate people?)
When Frederick discovered Gilman was double-crossing him, he hired Dane, who made two mistakes: he set fire to the lab before securing Gilman, and he lingered to watch his fire. A student saw the blaze and called Gilman with the news. The geneticist realized Frederick was onto him and engineered his own disappearance.
After Sarah killed Dane, Frederick hired Fredo.
Fearful that Sarah was getting close, Frederick had her kidnapped, expecting Matt to follow. He plans to stage a homicide/suicide, using Sarah's violent background to suggest that she killed Matt and herself during a lover's quarrel.
Matt falls into the trap but, before the colonel can kill the lovers, Fredo shoots Frederick and takes off with the samples.
Sarah and Matt decide to marry and to lead a team into the Afghan mountains to locate the tribe.
Pretty snappy action but we get no sense of your voice here. If you have five good pages to lead off, I’d probably read this. The idea of a guy making his dying words a code is a bit um...over used at this point but fixable.
The resolution sounds like an information dump, as though someone explains it all at the end rather than Sarah and Matt figuring things out. I think that's a weakness in a novel.
Other than that, this is good.
#42 Crapometer
Genre: soft science fiction
Tossed on a garbage heap after birth, freighter pilot T.K. Valentine has beaten the odds for "star trash" a million times over. Her secret? She swears she has no soul and concentrates on outrunning a past so toxic that she fears it will eat her alive should she ever remember it. She's
untouchable-- and she likes it that way.
On a routine freighting gig, she runs afoul of the planet Elysia. Her ship is impounded, a move that could bankrupt her.
Desperate to shore up her bleeding finances, she goads her shipmate, Helena, into devising a way to drop her beneath Elysia's "impenetrable" security grid. Val bets images taken of Elysia's forbidden food-growing areas will sell and help rescue her business.
Successfully arrived in Elysia's backcountry, Val loses her communicator in a tremendous storm and breaks her leg. She's rescued by peasants who gape at her Terran features as though they've never seen anything like her.
They imprison her in a root cellar along with a coffin. To her surprise, an Elysian man rolls out of it. He stares at her in open suspicion.
The Man seems to be in as much trouble as Val herself. He's back in the coffin when a friend attempts to get them through a checkpoint. They are detained by guards who bear the swagger of "Tea-Tins," the personal goon squad of City Eterna's Archbishop.
The guide is arrested and Val, disguised in peasant rags, is sent on her way with the coffin. She feels the wall of protection she's built around herself crack. Corrosive memories eke out.
the critical question here is why? What happens here that makes her remember?
An accident sends them tumbling down a ravine. Val rescues The Man from the coffin. When he comprehends she's saved his life, he reveals his name-- Caimun Hahhl. He makes her understand he is taking her to a radio.
Val's a wreck, dragging on a crutch behind the mysterious Hahhl. Peasants at a mourning feast seem to know him. He exploits Val's pocket tech to them and they react as though to a miracle.
He is injured and while attempting to help, Val discovers he bears horrific scars from torture. Hahhl, she realizes, is no petty con man on the lam.
He carries a sketchbook and while peeking inside, Val finds specs for City Eterna's most revered attraction, tthe Water Clock. The death of the Clock's designer made headlines years before. But the designer is not dead. He's alive and he's running for his life in the backcountry.
Long-kept secrets moldering under Elysia's security grid are imaged by Val-- the deaths of young children to an unknown scourge, peasants' wagons looted of goods by Tea-Tins, people with medical problems that should be history on this planet. She witnesses a mass tithing of goods to "angels" who wow the crowd with high-tech trickery and make off with the loot. Hahhl needs Val to get him to her ship-- to blow the whistle on the Archbishop.
At a market, Val unflinchingly kills a cop about to arrest Hahhl. The act precipitates an emotional meltdown for Val as memories gush from inside like blood from an artery, memories she must now live with.
The search for a radio has become a search for the soul Val claims she's never had.
She witnesses the most stunning atrocity-- the "angels" abducting bright children to live in the City.
Hahhl weakens as winter bears down upon them. Val must keep him going.
When they finally find a radio, Val doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. It's at least a hundred years old.
She cobbles it together, and deploys an archaic signal that she prays Helena will see from space-- if she's still looking for Val. Tea-Tins arrest Hahhl just hours before Helena rescues Val.
Val has Hahhl's sketchbook, which contains a journal detailing his rise to fame and his run as a renegade. Her images are sufficient evidence against the Archbishop. But Caimun Hahhl is the star witness. Val returns to Elysia to find him.
Sensitive questions asked in the right places and blackmail see Val dumped in a dungeon fully forbidden by treaty. Her demands to see Caimun Hahhl result in his broken and beaten body being sent to her. Val waits for him to die.
Helena breaks them out and they peel off in a gun-runner, hotly pursued by Elysia's Planetary Guard. They evade capture and hijack a med-ship. The medic refuses to cooperate, even when told who his patient is. The medic summons the pursuers then is astonished that they fire at him. "They want this man dead," Val says, "and they don't care if you're in the way."
It's a flashpoint. The medic does an abrupt about-face and joins Val. They are on a go-for-broke dead run for the one planet in the area that has never signed Elysia's treaty. They are pursued, gaining speed by centimeters as they jettison junk and do some fancy flying-- only to be
torpedoed within airspace of the planet. "I've lost him!" the medic calls and Val collapses with a scream of "Asylum!" as they are boarded.
It's the biggest story in the galaxy, Elysia's ruling Divinity busted for crimes against their own people. Hahhl has barely survived. Val is unable to see him as he is being treated and "debriefed by half the galaxy."
Val is grateful to be back in space-- but is curiously out of sorts back on board her ship. When allowed, she visits Hahhl, intending to finish a horrible chapter in her life. His invitation to her to stay sends her fleeing the planet again.
She returns to Earth to settle the ugly past so recently remembered. Determined to nurture the soul she's found, she goes back to Elysia and turns up on Hahhl's doorstep. She's already beaten the odds for star trash. If a tree can grow roots, well, so can she.
No welcome sign needed, Hahhl opens the door and his arms.
this is about twice as long as it needs to be to cover pivotal events. It doesn’t give us much about character but there’s just enough to make me think nothing is going to surprise me.
This is same old/same old set in space. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t reach out of the screen grab my rhinestone gilded cat’s eye spectacles and demand “read me”.
You can see your competition in the posted synopses. “Nothing wrong” and “not bad” isn’t going to win the game.
Tossed on a garbage heap after birth, freighter pilot T.K. Valentine has beaten the odds for "star trash" a million times over. Her secret? She swears she has no soul and concentrates on outrunning a past so toxic that she fears it will eat her alive should she ever remember it. She's
untouchable-- and she likes it that way.
On a routine freighting gig, she runs afoul of the planet Elysia. Her ship is impounded, a move that could bankrupt her.
Desperate to shore up her bleeding finances, she goads her shipmate, Helena, into devising a way to drop her beneath Elysia's "impenetrable" security grid. Val bets images taken of Elysia's forbidden food-growing areas will sell and help rescue her business.
Successfully arrived in Elysia's backcountry, Val loses her communicator in a tremendous storm and breaks her leg. She's rescued by peasants who gape at her Terran features as though they've never seen anything like her.
They imprison her in a root cellar along with a coffin. To her surprise, an Elysian man rolls out of it. He stares at her in open suspicion.
The Man seems to be in as much trouble as Val herself. He's back in the coffin when a friend attempts to get them through a checkpoint. They are detained by guards who bear the swagger of "Tea-Tins," the personal goon squad of City Eterna's Archbishop.
The guide is arrested and Val, disguised in peasant rags, is sent on her way with the coffin. She feels the wall of protection she's built around herself crack. Corrosive memories eke out.
the critical question here is why? What happens here that makes her remember?
An accident sends them tumbling down a ravine. Val rescues The Man from the coffin. When he comprehends she's saved his life, he reveals his name-- Caimun Hahhl. He makes her understand he is taking her to a radio.
Val's a wreck, dragging on a crutch behind the mysterious Hahhl. Peasants at a mourning feast seem to know him. He exploits Val's pocket tech to them and they react as though to a miracle.
He is injured and while attempting to help, Val discovers he bears horrific scars from torture. Hahhl, she realizes, is no petty con man on the lam.
He carries a sketchbook and while peeking inside, Val finds specs for City Eterna's most revered attraction, tthe Water Clock. The death of the Clock's designer made headlines years before. But the designer is not dead. He's alive and he's running for his life in the backcountry.
Long-kept secrets moldering under Elysia's security grid are imaged by Val-- the deaths of young children to an unknown scourge, peasants' wagons looted of goods by Tea-Tins, people with medical problems that should be history on this planet. She witnesses a mass tithing of goods to "angels" who wow the crowd with high-tech trickery and make off with the loot. Hahhl needs Val to get him to her ship-- to blow the whistle on the Archbishop.
At a market, Val unflinchingly kills a cop about to arrest Hahhl. The act precipitates an emotional meltdown for Val as memories gush from inside like blood from an artery, memories she must now live with.
The search for a radio has become a search for the soul Val claims she's never had.
She witnesses the most stunning atrocity-- the "angels" abducting bright children to live in the City.
Hahhl weakens as winter bears down upon them. Val must keep him going.
When they finally find a radio, Val doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. It's at least a hundred years old.
She cobbles it together, and deploys an archaic signal that she prays Helena will see from space-- if she's still looking for Val. Tea-Tins arrest Hahhl just hours before Helena rescues Val.
Val has Hahhl's sketchbook, which contains a journal detailing his rise to fame and his run as a renegade. Her images are sufficient evidence against the Archbishop. But Caimun Hahhl is the star witness. Val returns to Elysia to find him.
Sensitive questions asked in the right places and blackmail see Val dumped in a dungeon fully forbidden by treaty. Her demands to see Caimun Hahhl result in his broken and beaten body being sent to her. Val waits for him to die.
Helena breaks them out and they peel off in a gun-runner, hotly pursued by Elysia's Planetary Guard. They evade capture and hijack a med-ship. The medic refuses to cooperate, even when told who his patient is. The medic summons the pursuers then is astonished that they fire at him. "They want this man dead," Val says, "and they don't care if you're in the way."
It's a flashpoint. The medic does an abrupt about-face and joins Val. They are on a go-for-broke dead run for the one planet in the area that has never signed Elysia's treaty. They are pursued, gaining speed by centimeters as they jettison junk and do some fancy flying-- only to be
torpedoed within airspace of the planet. "I've lost him!" the medic calls and Val collapses with a scream of "Asylum!" as they are boarded.
It's the biggest story in the galaxy, Elysia's ruling Divinity busted for crimes against their own people. Hahhl has barely survived. Val is unable to see him as he is being treated and "debriefed by half the galaxy."
Val is grateful to be back in space-- but is curiously out of sorts back on board her ship. When allowed, she visits Hahhl, intending to finish a horrible chapter in her life. His invitation to her to stay sends her fleeing the planet again.
She returns to Earth to settle the ugly past so recently remembered. Determined to nurture the soul she's found, she goes back to Elysia and turns up on Hahhl's doorstep. She's already beaten the odds for star trash. If a tree can grow roots, well, so can she.
No welcome sign needed, Hahhl opens the door and his arms.
this is about twice as long as it needs to be to cover pivotal events. It doesn’t give us much about character but there’s just enough to make me think nothing is going to surprise me.
This is same old/same old set in space. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t reach out of the screen grab my rhinestone gilded cat’s eye spectacles and demand “read me”.
You can see your competition in the posted synopses. “Nothing wrong” and “not bad” isn’t going to win the game.
#41 Crapometer
Pixie Warrior ˆ Synopsis
Robert James, is a lumber company engineer leading a survey crew. Sha'na, is a pixie who hates the growing scars made in her forest by those who cut her trees. Yet when she sees Robert he sets her wings afire. She's found her mate. Trouble intervenes but they finally mate after Sha'na heals Robert's wound.
Their union produces unexpected problems for Robert. Pixie gestation is two weeks and very challenging to a "normal human." Pixies are about four feet tall, and Robert is accused of abusing and hiding a child. The accusation comes from Fred, an evil little man. Fred is pixie-bit and not believed.
Sha'na and Robert's child, Sha'el, is born talking, and she can talk to most creatures. She is precocious and adventuresome. She shows herself to be curious about everything.
Passive voice is slack ass writing. I hate it. In a synopsis it's instant rejection. It may have a place, selectively, in a novel, but if you put it in your synopsis for no good reason, I think you can’t tell what it is, and I’ll find a lot of it: ZAP to the reject pile.
Robert is sent into the forest to hunt down timber thieves. Getting his family to their camp is challenging, and we meet a camp cook who plays a major role later. Sha'el hears most of her father's conversation with "Cookie" from inside her dad's pocket. She learns important things about "larger humans" and hears some of her father's plans.
They arrive at their forest home, an abandoned lumber camp, and establish themselves there. The hunt for the thieves begins.
Fred is one of the thieves. Sha'el and Robert's horse Daisy discover them. They have a night time confrontation in the thieves' camp, and Sha'el flees home to tell her father. Eventually Fred and the others are trapped. Fred attacks Robert with a knife. Sha'el defends her father.
"He saw me on the hunt with my teeth grown sharp and the blood lust in my eyes and heart. I bit his knife hand and felt the bones give way."
Fred escapes, but Robert thinks he'll do no more harm. This is a mistake.
Sha'na and Sha'el are disquieted by an evil scent. It is the scent of the greater evil that plagues the Pixie Home Forest. The atmosphere tears and we hear the sounds of a frightened beast. A baby dragon is on the run from a giant goo spitting worm-like beast. Sha'el sees the dragon as defenseless and hers.
!!alien alert!!
"I flew to my dragon. I braced my feet on its head and neck, and I met each lunge of the worm with a jab of my spear. Indeed I struck home again and again. I was exhausted and my skin raw where the monster's spit ran down my arm. I was not strong enough to kill the beast. I feared both my dragon and I would die."
Is she narrating a documentary about her life? what IS this?
Great Mother Dragon, the first and oldest of all dragons, follows the beasts attacking her son. There is a rapprochement between pixie and dragon that heals an old wound that had estranged their races. Mother Dragon calls Sha'el the Pixie Warrior. There is a hint of a prophecy in fulfillment.
In a life-threatening situation an adult pixie will enter the Life Ritual. Sha'na becomes pregnant again and has twin girls. She almost dies from the stress of the pregnancy. Mother Dragon suggests her milk as a healing agent but warns of unforeseen consequences.
The twins have unique gifts that include dragon-fire. Cookie rides into camp with supplies and finds Robert and his family. The two men try to cook but discover the matches ruined. They try rubbing sticks together. One of the twins solves the fire problem.
"She stuck her head back in the open burner and started to writhe in a manner that reminded me of a cat coughing up a fur ball. A loud "wump‚ came from the stove and Sha'ail ended up on the floor. Her face was black with soot, but a fire was burning in the stove."
Fred returns. He nearly kills Sha'na and Sha'el. He's turned to toast by the dragon. We hear part of the Pixie Warrior prophecy from Mother Dragon.
They journey to the pixie home forest to confront the monsters that are attacking pixies and have invaded the human world. We (who is we?) find the crisis grown and an unhappy queen waiting for her "rebel" daughter's return. There is a confrontation with Lai'chi, who seeks to usurp the pixie throne. Then we meet a very fierce seeming high queen, Sha'el's grandmother. She is not so fierce as she seems and willingly hands the throne over to Sha'el. She and the oldest of all pixies, Mother Lai join in the quest.
Robert solves the problem of the beasts' access to the pixie forest. They travel to the Hall of Memories to do it. In the Hall of Memories we find a portal held permanently open by a pixie caught inside. Robert finds how to close that portal. He must do the same to the one in the Sha nesting grounds.
At the nesting grounds a group of Katra, one of the four pixie houses, is trying to fight the beasts, but they are wounded and exhausted. Robert slaughters the worm-like beasts but is finally attacked and hurt. The three pixie children save their father, and clues to the prophecy's fulfillment all become clear. Simple items prove important, and Sha'el is revealed as the Pixie Warrior. Pixies and humans are safe. Sha'na has a son.
And additional note on Pixie society: It is almost exclusively female. They aren't fairies but humans at the extreme edge of what is possible. They nest and have a well organized hunter-gatherer society. Each of the four houses has a queen, but a Sha has always been High Queen. There is conflict with a princess of the house of Lai, but not with Mother Lia herself who is the ages-long friend of the Sha and the oldest pixie. That Lai'chi, a slut, seeks the High Queen's throne will be important in another installment of this series. The house of Katra are firm allies and protectors of the Sha. The Basarith are inscrutable. It is difficult to know what they think unless they plainly tell you.
like literary agents?
As you know from reading the preceding 39 synopsis, this is a recitation of events. There are snippets of dialogue that appear out of nowwhere, speaker uncertain. Dragons pop up in chapter 14.
If you create a world with pixies AND dragons, it would be good to mention that at the start. That way the arrival of dragons isn’t a big surprise. Your opening paragraph makes this sound like pixies and humans are the characters.
You don’t need to explain the world you’ve created in your synopsis. You need to give us an idea of what happens, who the characters are, what challenges they face, and the pivotal events. Voice and style are nice if you can get those in too, but a recitation of events is boring.
Robert James, is a lumber company engineer leading a survey crew. Sha'na, is a pixie who hates the growing scars made in her forest by those who cut her trees. Yet when she sees Robert he sets her wings afire. She's found her mate. Trouble intervenes but they finally mate after Sha'na heals Robert's wound.
Their union produces unexpected problems for Robert. Pixie gestation is two weeks and very challenging to a "normal human." Pixies are about four feet tall, and Robert is accused of abusing and hiding a child. The accusation comes from Fred, an evil little man. Fred is pixie-bit and not believed.
Sha'na and Robert's child, Sha'el, is born talking, and she can talk to most creatures. She is precocious and adventuresome. She shows herself to be curious about everything.
Passive voice is slack ass writing. I hate it. In a synopsis it's instant rejection. It may have a place, selectively, in a novel, but if you put it in your synopsis for no good reason, I think you can’t tell what it is, and I’ll find a lot of it: ZAP to the reject pile.
Robert is sent into the forest to hunt down timber thieves. Getting his family to their camp is challenging, and we meet a camp cook who plays a major role later. Sha'el hears most of her father's conversation with "Cookie" from inside her dad's pocket. She learns important things about "larger humans" and hears some of her father's plans.
They arrive at their forest home, an abandoned lumber camp, and establish themselves there. The hunt for the thieves begins.
Fred is one of the thieves. Sha'el and Robert's horse Daisy discover them. They have a night time confrontation in the thieves' camp, and Sha'el flees home to tell her father. Eventually Fred and the others are trapped. Fred attacks Robert with a knife. Sha'el defends her father.
"He saw me on the hunt with my teeth grown sharp and the blood lust in my eyes and heart. I bit his knife hand and felt the bones give way."
Fred escapes, but Robert thinks he'll do no more harm. This is a mistake.
Sha'na and Sha'el are disquieted by an evil scent. It is the scent of the greater evil that plagues the Pixie Home Forest. The atmosphere tears and we hear the sounds of a frightened beast. A baby dragon is on the run from a giant goo spitting worm-like beast. Sha'el sees the dragon as defenseless and hers.
!!alien alert!!
"I flew to my dragon. I braced my feet on its head and neck, and I met each lunge of the worm with a jab of my spear. Indeed I struck home again and again. I was exhausted and my skin raw where the monster's spit ran down my arm. I was not strong enough to kill the beast. I feared both my dragon and I would die."
Is she narrating a documentary about her life? what IS this?
Great Mother Dragon, the first and oldest of all dragons, follows the beasts attacking her son. There is a rapprochement between pixie and dragon that heals an old wound that had estranged their races. Mother Dragon calls Sha'el the Pixie Warrior. There is a hint of a prophecy in fulfillment.
In a life-threatening situation an adult pixie will enter the Life Ritual. Sha'na becomes pregnant again and has twin girls. She almost dies from the stress of the pregnancy. Mother Dragon suggests her milk as a healing agent but warns of unforeseen consequences.
The twins have unique gifts that include dragon-fire. Cookie rides into camp with supplies and finds Robert and his family. The two men try to cook but discover the matches ruined. They try rubbing sticks together. One of the twins solves the fire problem.
"She stuck her head back in the open burner and started to writhe in a manner that reminded me of a cat coughing up a fur ball. A loud "wump‚ came from the stove and Sha'ail ended up on the floor. Her face was black with soot, but a fire was burning in the stove."
Fred returns. He nearly kills Sha'na and Sha'el. He's turned to toast by the dragon. We hear part of the Pixie Warrior prophecy from Mother Dragon.
They journey to the pixie home forest to confront the monsters that are attacking pixies and have invaded the human world. We (who is we?) find the crisis grown and an unhappy queen waiting for her "rebel" daughter's return. There is a confrontation with Lai'chi, who seeks to usurp the pixie throne. Then we meet a very fierce seeming high queen, Sha'el's grandmother. She is not so fierce as she seems and willingly hands the throne over to Sha'el. She and the oldest of all pixies, Mother Lai join in the quest.
Robert solves the problem of the beasts' access to the pixie forest. They travel to the Hall of Memories to do it. In the Hall of Memories we find a portal held permanently open by a pixie caught inside. Robert finds how to close that portal. He must do the same to the one in the Sha nesting grounds.
At the nesting grounds a group of Katra, one of the four pixie houses, is trying to fight the beasts, but they are wounded and exhausted. Robert slaughters the worm-like beasts but is finally attacked and hurt. The three pixie children save their father, and clues to the prophecy's fulfillment all become clear. Simple items prove important, and Sha'el is revealed as the Pixie Warrior. Pixies and humans are safe. Sha'na has a son.
And additional note on Pixie society: It is almost exclusively female. They aren't fairies but humans at the extreme edge of what is possible. They nest and have a well organized hunter-gatherer society. Each of the four houses has a queen, but a Sha has always been High Queen. There is conflict with a princess of the house of Lai, but not with Mother Lia herself who is the ages-long friend of the Sha and the oldest pixie. That Lai'chi, a slut, seeks the High Queen's throne will be important in another installment of this series. The house of Katra are firm allies and protectors of the Sha. The Basarith are inscrutable. It is difficult to know what they think unless they plainly tell you.
like literary agents?
As you know from reading the preceding 39 synopsis, this is a recitation of events. There are snippets of dialogue that appear out of nowwhere, speaker uncertain. Dragons pop up in chapter 14.
If you create a world with pixies AND dragons, it would be good to mention that at the start. That way the arrival of dragons isn’t a big surprise. Your opening paragraph makes this sound like pixies and humans are the characters.
You don’t need to explain the world you’ve created in your synopsis. You need to give us an idea of what happens, who the characters are, what challenges they face, and the pivotal events. Voice and style are nice if you can get those in too, but a recitation of events is boring.
Word Count
I've just now realized that some synopsis rejected for exceeding the word count might be the victims of apostrophe fraud.
Some emails converted ' to , and my word count program thus counted don't, rendered as don,t as two words.
IF you got an email from me saying you exceeded the word count and were deleted, send your synopsis back. I'll look again.
I caught two, but if I missed you, I'll be glad to throw you back in the line up.
Some emails converted ' to , and my word count program thus counted don't, rendered as don,t as two words.
IF you got an email from me saying you exceeded the word count and were deleted, send your synopsis back. I'll look again.
I caught two, but if I missed you, I'll be glad to throw you back in the line up.
#40 Crapometer
Title: Brotherly Love: The Forbidden Fire
Genre: Erotic/ Historical Romance
Brotherly love? Not unless you come from a highly unusual family.
This is a tale about what happens when the boundaries of our morality alter, and the lines we draw to define which love is acceptable and which is forbidden change. The story focuses on the Jamison family, composed of Jake, his two younger brothers, and a girl named Jessi.
Little Jessi would have been their stepsister, had a tragic train accident not killed their Father and her Mother on their way back to the family's Texas ranch for their wedding. The brothers raise the girl as a sister. Unfortunately, three cowboys don't know much about raising a girl, and they end up rearing a total tomboy. After Jessi brawls publicly in the Churchyard with a neighbor's son, the brothers agree with the preacher's wife that they can't teach Jessi to be a lady and accept her suggestion to send her away to finishing school in Richmond.
Jessi loves all of her brothers, but she has always been closest to the eldest, Jake. Because of that bond, and because most unwanted tasks fall on his shoulders anyway, the brothers decide he must convince their sister that she needs lessons a trio of cowboys can't teach. He takes her to the lake, their favorite spot on the ranch, and tells her the plan for her future.
The ranch is the only world she wants, but she agrees that she does want to marry and have children. The perfect solution comes to her and she suggests that she and Jake marry. He is a cowboy but not a diplomat, and such a suggestion from the scrawny tomboy takes him by surprise. Without weighing his words, he tells her that she is not enough of a lady for him. Hurt, the girl agrees to go to Richmond, but is motivated during the years of school by a dream of returning to make Jake eat his words.
ok, right here, you've fallen into the trap of making the plot serve your needs. If Jessi says "we should marry" and the whole point of this is to demonstrate changing morality, Jake's first response would logically be "of course I can't marry you, you're my sister". But, because you want him to fall all over her with lust, you put other words in his mouth. Characters have to behave logically or you lose the reader in a WTF reaction.
When she returns, he wants to eat more than his words. The sultry vixen emerging from the carriage is the same lady he calls sister, but now she summons the lover within the man she calls brother. At his first sight of the exotic temptress who wore his sister's soul, the big brother's gut churned with rage. Every protective instinct urges him to choke the life out of the lecherous bastard who wants to become his sister's lover. He resists the urge only because it is a near physical impossibility to choke yourself to death. So he seethes with impotent rage, even as he burns with potent craving. A small voice from the deepest recesses of his consciousness whispers, "No blood tie, no legal tie. Just a line you drew. You can erase that line."
was there a sale on cliches at Macys?
Jake's growing desire to cross the line drawn so long ago makes a battle between the would-be lover and the big brother inevitable. He fights his feelings, but it isn't only himself he must battle. His brothers' line hadn't moved and they see in Jessi only a little sister. To them, Jake's forbidden feelings are incestuous and they vow to end the romance. They throw other men at Jessi, but her heart sees only Jake and things go from bad to worse when the pair became engaged.
After spying on a rendezvous, the brothers decide Jake has named his own poison, and they use words against him to force him to betray their sister, for they know Jessi will not forgive infidelity. The pair conspires with a local madam to obtain an aphrodisiac to drug their brother, then, with the help of one of Jake's discarded ladies, they lure Jessi to a brothel where she catches Jake cavorting with women and she tosses his ring at him.
Boy, with brothers like that who needs evil sisters. Surely the younger brothers have some thought for Jessi in all this?
Fighting flashbacks from the brothel, Jake now fights to win Jessi back, but has no success until he gets some unexpected help. Jessi goes off to picnic with a beau who becomes too fresh and she gets scared and rides home to escape - right into Jake's arms. In the course of comforting her, Jake begins to rebuild their relationship. During their courtship, a Richmond suitor had been venting his rage at what he considers Jessi's betrayal by murdering members of the community. (alien alert!) That suitor had a plan to secure Jessi for himself by kidnapping her and drugging her with the same potion Jake received earlier. Jake rides to the rescue, and succeeds but not until experience teaches Jessi that Jake had not betrayed her of his own will.
The experience also teaches Jake what Jessi knew already -- that love is a force too big to be contained, controlled or defined. He doesn't want to destroy his family, but if he must choose, then he will cleave to the lady who completes him and the love that defies boundaries. He must trust that his younger brothers will one day learn that love, in whatever form it takes, and whatever lines it erases, can not be judged. It must be nurtured and celebrated. Each man must learn that lesson for himself and he hopes that when they confront their own lines, they will grow to accept his union with Jessi.
Jake and Jessi marry at the lake. The younger brothers still see the union as incestuous. They attend the wedding, but leave immediately afterwards to seek their fortunes elsewhere, but not before Jared catches the bouquet. In the same spot where his words broke her heart, Jake takes them back by telling Jessi that she turned out to be lady enough for him after all.
Yes, ex lovers often kill total strangers in bursts of rage at being spurned. The high cost of being a sultry vixen, yanno.
The way you describe this makes it sound creepy as hell. She’s NOT his sister at all so it feels like you’re trying to set up this salacious plot point but unwilling to do it with something that’s actually forbidden. It’s a straw man--not a real plot.
Genre: Erotic/ Historical Romance
Brotherly love? Not unless you come from a highly unusual family.
This is a tale about what happens when the boundaries of our morality alter, and the lines we draw to define which love is acceptable and which is forbidden change. The story focuses on the Jamison family, composed of Jake, his two younger brothers, and a girl named Jessi.
Little Jessi would have been their stepsister, had a tragic train accident not killed their Father and her Mother on their way back to the family's Texas ranch for their wedding. The brothers raise the girl as a sister. Unfortunately, three cowboys don't know much about raising a girl, and they end up rearing a total tomboy. After Jessi brawls publicly in the Churchyard with a neighbor's son, the brothers agree with the preacher's wife that they can't teach Jessi to be a lady and accept her suggestion to send her away to finishing school in Richmond.
Jessi loves all of her brothers, but she has always been closest to the eldest, Jake. Because of that bond, and because most unwanted tasks fall on his shoulders anyway, the brothers decide he must convince their sister that she needs lessons a trio of cowboys can't teach. He takes her to the lake, their favorite spot on the ranch, and tells her the plan for her future.
The ranch is the only world she wants, but she agrees that she does want to marry and have children. The perfect solution comes to her and she suggests that she and Jake marry. He is a cowboy but not a diplomat, and such a suggestion from the scrawny tomboy takes him by surprise. Without weighing his words, he tells her that she is not enough of a lady for him. Hurt, the girl agrees to go to Richmond, but is motivated during the years of school by a dream of returning to make Jake eat his words.
ok, right here, you've fallen into the trap of making the plot serve your needs. If Jessi says "we should marry" and the whole point of this is to demonstrate changing morality, Jake's first response would logically be "of course I can't marry you, you're my sister". But, because you want him to fall all over her with lust, you put other words in his mouth. Characters have to behave logically or you lose the reader in a WTF reaction.
When she returns, he wants to eat more than his words. The sultry vixen emerging from the carriage is the same lady he calls sister, but now she summons the lover within the man she calls brother. At his first sight of the exotic temptress who wore his sister's soul, the big brother's gut churned with rage. Every protective instinct urges him to choke the life out of the lecherous bastard who wants to become his sister's lover. He resists the urge only because it is a near physical impossibility to choke yourself to death. So he seethes with impotent rage, even as he burns with potent craving. A small voice from the deepest recesses of his consciousness whispers, "No blood tie, no legal tie. Just a line you drew. You can erase that line."
was there a sale on cliches at Macys?
Jake's growing desire to cross the line drawn so long ago makes a battle between the would-be lover and the big brother inevitable. He fights his feelings, but it isn't only himself he must battle. His brothers' line hadn't moved and they see in Jessi only a little sister. To them, Jake's forbidden feelings are incestuous and they vow to end the romance. They throw other men at Jessi, but her heart sees only Jake and things go from bad to worse when the pair became engaged.
After spying on a rendezvous, the brothers decide Jake has named his own poison, and they use words against him to force him to betray their sister, for they know Jessi will not forgive infidelity. The pair conspires with a local madam to obtain an aphrodisiac to drug their brother, then, with the help of one of Jake's discarded ladies, they lure Jessi to a brothel where she catches Jake cavorting with women and she tosses his ring at him.
Boy, with brothers like that who needs evil sisters. Surely the younger brothers have some thought for Jessi in all this?
Fighting flashbacks from the brothel, Jake now fights to win Jessi back, but has no success until he gets some unexpected help. Jessi goes off to picnic with a beau who becomes too fresh and she gets scared and rides home to escape - right into Jake's arms. In the course of comforting her, Jake begins to rebuild their relationship. During their courtship, a Richmond suitor had been venting his rage at what he considers Jessi's betrayal by murdering members of the community. (alien alert!) That suitor had a plan to secure Jessi for himself by kidnapping her and drugging her with the same potion Jake received earlier. Jake rides to the rescue, and succeeds but not until experience teaches Jessi that Jake had not betrayed her of his own will.
The experience also teaches Jake what Jessi knew already -- that love is a force too big to be contained, controlled or defined. He doesn't want to destroy his family, but if he must choose, then he will cleave to the lady who completes him and the love that defies boundaries. He must trust that his younger brothers will one day learn that love, in whatever form it takes, and whatever lines it erases, can not be judged. It must be nurtured and celebrated. Each man must learn that lesson for himself and he hopes that when they confront their own lines, they will grow to accept his union with Jessi.
Jake and Jessi marry at the lake. The younger brothers still see the union as incestuous. They attend the wedding, but leave immediately afterwards to seek their fortunes elsewhere, but not before Jared catches the bouquet. In the same spot where his words broke her heart, Jake takes them back by telling Jessi that she turned out to be lady enough for him after all.
Yes, ex lovers often kill total strangers in bursts of rage at being spurned. The high cost of being a sultry vixen, yanno.
The way you describe this makes it sound creepy as hell. She’s NOT his sister at all so it feels like you’re trying to set up this salacious plot point but unwilling to do it with something that’s actually forbidden. It’s a straw man--not a real plot.
#39 Crapometer
A post-apocalyptic Regency novel where the paranormal is becoming distressingly normal.
In 2058, the earth's magnetic poles reversed in one, devastating flip, destroying civilization. Over the next 10,000 years the change in alignment influenced human genes, and the human race began to evolve into elves, dwarves, and other strange beings, exhibiting psychic and magical Gifts.
The world had changed, and with it democracy became a thing of the past. Using rare copies of history books and romances, those with power and money modeled themselves on ancient Regency England, leaving the Gifted and different out in the cold. In response, the Gifted banded together in Clans for protection, ensuring a life of peace and a future for their children. Jeroen Alhalla wasn't one of the protected.
As a member of the new aristocracy and heir to her family's fortune, she is expected to be normal. And she is - except for a forbidden Vision gift, berserker tendencies and pointed, dog-like ears. She fears her family will realize just how different she is and cast her out of Society into the Clans, exiled forever from the life she was born to live.
And as if she didn't have enough problems, a handsome, Gifted fugitive, Quoi Sarman, breaks into her bedroom, desperate for a place to hide. Despite her misgivings, she finds herself harboring Quoi, not willing to give him up to a life of imprisonment for crimes she suspects he didn't commit.
Before settling down with a boring, society-approved husband, Jeroen decides to keep this hot, luscious man as her concubine. It is forbidden to associate with him "he's Gifted after all" but he has pointed ears just like hers and a magic she can't deny. She's not about to give up such a tasty piece because her parents are afraid of a little witchcraft.
Quoi has other ideas and isn't about to put up with her machinations. His best friend has been sent to prison for crimes he didn't commit. Quoi must clear both their names and break his friend out of a maximum-security prison if he has any hope of reclaiming his life amongst the Clans. Still, Jeroen is gorgeous, and if circumstances were otherwise he'd be tempted to let her keep him.
Each time Quoi tries to escape, Jeroen thwarts him and tempts him to distraction. Their struggle is interrupted when an army sweeps through town and kidnaps everyone with a Gift, including Jeroen.
Quoi realizes he can't leave her to an uncertain fate, so instead of going after his best friend, he frees her from her kidnappers, then shows her a whole new world ˆ one where her oddities and Gifts are accepted and embraced.
With Quoi's guidance, Jeroen discovers her true Gift. Through touch she magnifies the Gifts of others. Quoi can melt stone with a caress of his hand, but with her at his side he can melt mountains.
He entices her with the promise of a future with him. She wants him desperately, yet she can't let go of where she came from or who she is. Quoi is torn. He wants to stay with her, but it is long past time to continue his quest to save his best friend.
When Jeroen and Quoi are recaptured, Jeroen realizes it is time to stop running from herself and from the armies. It is time to get down to the bottom of who's behind the war or their entire society, normal and Gifted, will be torn apart.
She faces her fate bravely, only to find the perpetrator is one of her own: a Peer of her father's who has craved her since they day he laid eyes on her. A Peer who has been secretly imprisoning the Gifted in a dormant volcano and using them as slaves for his own, selfish purposes.
To save the Gifted Clans, Jeroen is forced to accept what she is, ears and all. Together, she and Quoi combine their powers to liberate his people by melting a hole in the side of the volcano. Now everyone will know the extent of her Gifts, and she will probably be exiled, but it is worth the risk to save so many from enslavement.
In the end, Jeroen refuses to choose between Quoi and her world. Instead, she forces her family to accept who she is and give their blessing to her marriage. Eventually she persuades her Peers to accept her as well, and together Jeroen and Quoi battle against the prejudice and fear of those who are different, forging a path of peace between the New Aristocracy and the Gifted.
While it's not quite the democracy of old America, it's a place to start.
I love the gender reversal here. The plot flows naturally and there isn’t a lot of fancy shmancy adverbial crap.
But, it’s a recitation of events with not much sense of character or voice.
If you’ve got five wow pages to start, I’d probably read a partial on this, but your synopsis can serve you better if it’s zippier.
In 2058, the earth's magnetic poles reversed in one, devastating flip, destroying civilization. Over the next 10,000 years the change in alignment influenced human genes, and the human race began to evolve into elves, dwarves, and other strange beings, exhibiting psychic and magical Gifts.
The world had changed, and with it democracy became a thing of the past. Using rare copies of history books and romances, those with power and money modeled themselves on ancient Regency England, leaving the Gifted and different out in the cold. In response, the Gifted banded together in Clans for protection, ensuring a life of peace and a future for their children. Jeroen Alhalla wasn't one of the protected.
As a member of the new aristocracy and heir to her family's fortune, she is expected to be normal. And she is - except for a forbidden Vision gift, berserker tendencies and pointed, dog-like ears. She fears her family will realize just how different she is and cast her out of Society into the Clans, exiled forever from the life she was born to live.
And as if she didn't have enough problems, a handsome, Gifted fugitive, Quoi Sarman, breaks into her bedroom, desperate for a place to hide. Despite her misgivings, she finds herself harboring Quoi, not willing to give him up to a life of imprisonment for crimes she suspects he didn't commit.
Before settling down with a boring, society-approved husband, Jeroen decides to keep this hot, luscious man as her concubine. It is forbidden to associate with him "he's Gifted after all" but he has pointed ears just like hers and a magic she can't deny. She's not about to give up such a tasty piece because her parents are afraid of a little witchcraft.
Quoi has other ideas and isn't about to put up with her machinations. His best friend has been sent to prison for crimes he didn't commit. Quoi must clear both their names and break his friend out of a maximum-security prison if he has any hope of reclaiming his life amongst the Clans. Still, Jeroen is gorgeous, and if circumstances were otherwise he'd be tempted to let her keep him.
Each time Quoi tries to escape, Jeroen thwarts him and tempts him to distraction. Their struggle is interrupted when an army sweeps through town and kidnaps everyone with a Gift, including Jeroen.
Quoi realizes he can't leave her to an uncertain fate, so instead of going after his best friend, he frees her from her kidnappers, then shows her a whole new world ˆ one where her oddities and Gifts are accepted and embraced.
With Quoi's guidance, Jeroen discovers her true Gift. Through touch she magnifies the Gifts of others. Quoi can melt stone with a caress of his hand, but with her at his side he can melt mountains.
He entices her with the promise of a future with him. She wants him desperately, yet she can't let go of where she came from or who she is. Quoi is torn. He wants to stay with her, but it is long past time to continue his quest to save his best friend.
When Jeroen and Quoi are recaptured, Jeroen realizes it is time to stop running from herself and from the armies. It is time to get down to the bottom of who's behind the war or their entire society, normal and Gifted, will be torn apart.
She faces her fate bravely, only to find the perpetrator is one of her own: a Peer of her father's who has craved her since they day he laid eyes on her. A Peer who has been secretly imprisoning the Gifted in a dormant volcano and using them as slaves for his own, selfish purposes.
To save the Gifted Clans, Jeroen is forced to accept what she is, ears and all. Together, she and Quoi combine their powers to liberate his people by melting a hole in the side of the volcano. Now everyone will know the extent of her Gifts, and she will probably be exiled, but it is worth the risk to save so many from enslavement.
In the end, Jeroen refuses to choose between Quoi and her world. Instead, she forces her family to accept who she is and give their blessing to her marriage. Eventually she persuades her Peers to accept her as well, and together Jeroen and Quoi battle against the prejudice and fear of those who are different, forging a path of peace between the New Aristocracy and the Gifted.
While it's not quite the democracy of old America, it's a place to start.
I love the gender reversal here. The plot flows naturally and there isn’t a lot of fancy shmancy adverbial crap.
But, it’s a recitation of events with not much sense of character or voice.
If you’ve got five wow pages to start, I’d probably read a partial on this, but your synopsis can serve you better if it’s zippier.
#38 Crapometer
Title: Washed in the Blood
Genre: Dark Fantasy
979 words
John Edwards, a minister in the Georgia mountains, is transformed into a vampire and seeks faith and forgiveness while battling an ancient evil.
of course naming your character after a prominent political figure is a distraction.
Thomas, a vampire masquerading as a psychologist from Atlanta. imprisons John and his wife, Maggie. He rapes Maggie and drains John almost to death, then forces John to drink his blood.
While John transforms, Thomas seduces their (whose?--the two people in this sentence are John and Thomas, surely it’s not “their” daughter) daughter, Deborah Martin, and raises doubt about John's stability, citing "religious psychosis". (raises doubts? with who?--and this is never mentioned again)
Thomas stabs Maggie and leaves her dying. When John wakes, he must have blood quickly or suffer eternal immobility and thirst. Maggie makes John promise to take vengeance, and he drains her.
John bursts into Deborah's house raving and covered in blood. She thinks he is insane and calls the Sheriff's Department. The police find Maggie’s mutilated body in the Edwards’ house.
John hides in a cave on the side of Laurel Mountain. That evening, a search party finds him. He evades them and takes shelter in an abandoned gold mine, now a secret party spot for teenagers. Thomas follows him and taunts him.
As John is leaving the mine the next night, he sees a couple making love. Overcome by bloodlust, he kills the boy and drinks the girl's blood. Deciding he is beyond redemption, he abandons faith to concentrate on vengeance.
Michael Archer, a private investigator dedicated to pursuing Thomas, uses deception and high-level influence to persuade the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to assign him to the case as a Special Investigator. He goes to the crime scene at night, hoping that Thomas will appear.
Deborah is worried, because she has not heard from Thomas in two days. She finds Michael at the house. Michael tells her about Thomas, but she will not listen.
John follows Deborah to the house, looking for Thomas. He eavesdrops and decides that Michael could be an ally. After Deborah leaves, John enters the house. He shows Michael he is a vampire. They agree to team up.
Michael tells John that Thomas is a 4500-year-old Sumerian and is unaffected by Christian symbols. He was a priest in the temple of Enki in Dilmun. In spite of having a wife and children, he lusted for a priestess of Ereshkigal, who spurned him. Enraged, he went to her temple and raped and killed her on the altar. Ereshkigal transformed Thomas into the first vampire in retribution. Thomas's sons vowed to destroy him. Michael is the last of Thomas's direct descendants.
Deborah stops to pick up her five-year-old daughter, Alyssa, at her friend's house. The friend's mother tells Deborah that Thomas got Alyssa an hour before. Deborah finds her house deserted. She has a message on her answering machine from Thomas, who says that John ambushed him and kidnapped Alyssa. He says he tracked John to the mine. She calls the Sheriff.
As Michael is telling John about vampires, the phone rings. Michael answers. Thomas tells Michael to meet him in the mine in one hour and hangs up. When they arrive, John attacks Thomas. Thomas fends John off until the deputies arrive, then escapes. John flees into the mine. The deputies discover the teenagers’ bodies. They arrest Michael as an accessory to kidnapping and murder. John runs as far as he can, but falls unconscious at daybreak.
Chief Detective Harrison interrogates Michael at the county jail. Michael tells him everything. The detective mentions a local disappearance. Realizing that Thomas has been feeding in the area, Michael asks if there have been others since Thomas arrived. Harrison starts thinking about everything Michael has said.
John wakes at twilight. He hears searchers close by. He turns into a bat and flies from the mine. When he gets to the jail, he turns into a rat and sneaks inside.
!!alien alert!! We’ve been rolling along nicely on a vampire story and suddenly here comes (with no hint of course) the ability to shape shift. This is the worst form of deus ex machina...suddenly investing characters with a supernatural ability to advance the plot. It’s like a character suddenly being able to speak Portuguese to decipher a treasure map.
He finds Michael’s cell and forces the door open with the last of his strength.
Why does a rat need to force a jail cell door open? Even NYC sized rats can fit through bars.
Michael uses a jagged piece of metal on the broken door to open a cut on his arm and allows John to have some of his blood.
Oh, of course, you need the broken door to get a piece of metal. Again, you’re doing things here to advance the plot that don’t make sense.
Detective Harrison comes in. The damage to the cell door convinces him. He says that Deborah called to say that Thomas asked her to come to a small church in the mountains, where she and Alyssa can be safe. Harrison is organizing a raid on the church. Michael and John realize they cannot wait. John transforms into a huge wolf, Michael climbs on, and they go cross-country.
ok, right here, I’ll stop reading. Riding a wolf? You set this story on earth, with earth flora and fauna. Unless that wolf is the size of a Percheron, you can’t ride it, and giant wolves disappeared after the last ice age. You have to be consistent with the world you set your story in, or your readers are going to fall out of the narrative, shake their heads and chorus “WTF??” ...much like I’m doing now.
Deborah and Alyssa arrive at the church. Thomas grabs them and handcuffs Deborah to a railing. He ties Alyssa up and puts her on the Communion table below the pulpit. He begins a sacrificial ritual.
John and Michael reach the church. John is utterly exhausted. Michael bursts in and confronts Thomas. They fight, and Thomas beats Michael badly.
John comes in during the fight. He feels a force from the cross at the front of the church impeding him. He struggles toward Thomas, but cannot make it. Michael crawls to John and offers his blood so John can destroy Thomas. John drains Michael to the edge of death and gains enough strength to attack.
During the battle, Deborah breaks one of the railing posts. She stabs at Thomas, but misses. He grabs her by the neck. John offers his life for hers. Thomas agrees.
Thomas pulls the cross down, nails John to it with silver-coated spikes, and leans it against the wall. He returns to his ritual. Realizing that faith is all he has left, John prays. Even though dawn has not arrived, a ray ofsunlight shines in through the stained glass and fries Thomas. (I kinda like this)
The police arrive and free John and Alyssa. John decides that vampirism is better than death, and forces Michael to drink his blood. John decides that God’s purpose for him is to seek out and destroy all other vampires. After Michael rises, he decides to join John on his quest.
Not to quibble too much here but it’s usually better to have God reveal purpose to you, rather than you decide what God wants. There's a fine line between meglomania and transcendentalism.
Genre: Dark Fantasy
979 words
John Edwards, a minister in the Georgia mountains, is transformed into a vampire and seeks faith and forgiveness while battling an ancient evil.
of course naming your character after a prominent political figure is a distraction.
Thomas, a vampire masquerading as a psychologist from Atlanta. imprisons John and his wife, Maggie. He rapes Maggie and drains John almost to death, then forces John to drink his blood.
While John transforms, Thomas seduces their (whose?--the two people in this sentence are John and Thomas, surely it’s not “their” daughter) daughter, Deborah Martin, and raises doubt about John's stability, citing "religious psychosis". (raises doubts? with who?--and this is never mentioned again)
Thomas stabs Maggie and leaves her dying. When John wakes, he must have blood quickly or suffer eternal immobility and thirst. Maggie makes John promise to take vengeance, and he drains her.
John bursts into Deborah's house raving and covered in blood. She thinks he is insane and calls the Sheriff's Department. The police find Maggie’s mutilated body in the Edwards’ house.
John hides in a cave on the side of Laurel Mountain. That evening, a search party finds him. He evades them and takes shelter in an abandoned gold mine, now a secret party spot for teenagers. Thomas follows him and taunts him.
As John is leaving the mine the next night, he sees a couple making love. Overcome by bloodlust, he kills the boy and drinks the girl's blood. Deciding he is beyond redemption, he abandons faith to concentrate on vengeance.
Michael Archer, a private investigator dedicated to pursuing Thomas, uses deception and high-level influence to persuade the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to assign him to the case as a Special Investigator. He goes to the crime scene at night, hoping that Thomas will appear.
Deborah is worried, because she has not heard from Thomas in two days. She finds Michael at the house. Michael tells her about Thomas, but she will not listen.
John follows Deborah to the house, looking for Thomas. He eavesdrops and decides that Michael could be an ally. After Deborah leaves, John enters the house. He shows Michael he is a vampire. They agree to team up.
Michael tells John that Thomas is a 4500-year-old Sumerian and is unaffected by Christian symbols. He was a priest in the temple of Enki in Dilmun. In spite of having a wife and children, he lusted for a priestess of Ereshkigal, who spurned him. Enraged, he went to her temple and raped and killed her on the altar. Ereshkigal transformed Thomas into the first vampire in retribution. Thomas's sons vowed to destroy him. Michael is the last of Thomas's direct descendants.
Deborah stops to pick up her five-year-old daughter, Alyssa, at her friend's house. The friend's mother tells Deborah that Thomas got Alyssa an hour before. Deborah finds her house deserted. She has a message on her answering machine from Thomas, who says that John ambushed him and kidnapped Alyssa. He says he tracked John to the mine. She calls the Sheriff.
As Michael is telling John about vampires, the phone rings. Michael answers. Thomas tells Michael to meet him in the mine in one hour and hangs up. When they arrive, John attacks Thomas. Thomas fends John off until the deputies arrive, then escapes. John flees into the mine. The deputies discover the teenagers’ bodies. They arrest Michael as an accessory to kidnapping and murder. John runs as far as he can, but falls unconscious at daybreak.
Chief Detective Harrison interrogates Michael at the county jail. Michael tells him everything. The detective mentions a local disappearance. Realizing that Thomas has been feeding in the area, Michael asks if there have been others since Thomas arrived. Harrison starts thinking about everything Michael has said.
John wakes at twilight. He hears searchers close by. He turns into a bat and flies from the mine. When he gets to the jail, he turns into a rat and sneaks inside.
!!alien alert!! We’ve been rolling along nicely on a vampire story and suddenly here comes (with no hint of course) the ability to shape shift. This is the worst form of deus ex machina...suddenly investing characters with a supernatural ability to advance the plot. It’s like a character suddenly being able to speak Portuguese to decipher a treasure map.
He finds Michael’s cell and forces the door open with the last of his strength.
Why does a rat need to force a jail cell door open? Even NYC sized rats can fit through bars.
Michael uses a jagged piece of metal on the broken door to open a cut on his arm and allows John to have some of his blood.
Oh, of course, you need the broken door to get a piece of metal. Again, you’re doing things here to advance the plot that don’t make sense.
Detective Harrison comes in. The damage to the cell door convinces him. He says that Deborah called to say that Thomas asked her to come to a small church in the mountains, where she and Alyssa can be safe. Harrison is organizing a raid on the church. Michael and John realize they cannot wait. John transforms into a huge wolf, Michael climbs on, and they go cross-country.
ok, right here, I’ll stop reading. Riding a wolf? You set this story on earth, with earth flora and fauna. Unless that wolf is the size of a Percheron, you can’t ride it, and giant wolves disappeared after the last ice age. You have to be consistent with the world you set your story in, or your readers are going to fall out of the narrative, shake their heads and chorus “WTF??” ...much like I’m doing now.
Deborah and Alyssa arrive at the church. Thomas grabs them and handcuffs Deborah to a railing. He ties Alyssa up and puts her on the Communion table below the pulpit. He begins a sacrificial ritual.
John and Michael reach the church. John is utterly exhausted. Michael bursts in and confronts Thomas. They fight, and Thomas beats Michael badly.
John comes in during the fight. He feels a force from the cross at the front of the church impeding him. He struggles toward Thomas, but cannot make it. Michael crawls to John and offers his blood so John can destroy Thomas. John drains Michael to the edge of death and gains enough strength to attack.
During the battle, Deborah breaks one of the railing posts. She stabs at Thomas, but misses. He grabs her by the neck. John offers his life for hers. Thomas agrees.
Thomas pulls the cross down, nails John to it with silver-coated spikes, and leans it against the wall. He returns to his ritual. Realizing that faith is all he has left, John prays. Even though dawn has not arrived, a ray ofsunlight shines in through the stained glass and fries Thomas. (I kinda like this)
The police arrive and free John and Alyssa. John decides that vampirism is better than death, and forces Michael to drink his blood. John decides that God’s purpose for him is to seek out and destroy all other vampires. After Michael rises, he decides to join John on his quest.
Not to quibble too much here but it’s usually better to have God reveal purpose to you, rather than you decide what God wants. There's a fine line between meglomania and transcendentalism.
#37 Crapometer
Genre: paranormal suspense
Title: Nick of Time
Physician researcher, Rachel Mayton, works for The Coleman Neuroscience Center, a privately-owned facility providing state-of-the-art care to comatose, brain-injured people. Rachel is about to make medical history with a new drug she has developed, one with the potential to restore mental and physical function to these patients. Though the drug may bring fame and fortune, Rachel’s primary interest is in whether it will help her nine-year-old daughter, Megan, awaken from the coma she’s been in since a car accident five years ago.
Just as Rachel is about to start her clinical trial, she is shot during a robbery and “dies.” Before medical personnel resuscitate her, Rachel has a near-death experience in which she sees and talks to her dead husband, Doug, who delivers a cryptic warning Rachel doesn’t understand. In the weeks that follow, Doug continues to “haunt” Rachel, first in dreams, then when she is awake.
Once the clinical trial starts, Rachel witnesses several short “awakenings” in one of the patients, a brain-injured construction worker named Tim Nerad. No one else witnesses these episodes and Rachel’s boss, Hal, becomes concerned about Rachel’s mental health, particularly after she tells him about her ghostly experiences. Then the supposedly comatose Tim disappears from the hospital and turns up at Rachel’s house claiming to be a time-traveling soul from the future who is “borrowing” Tim Nerad’s body.
Rachel is skeptical despite Tim’s proffered proof, but before she can sort it all out, a dead cop comes to life and tries to kill her. Rachel narrowly escapes and, when the authorities peg her as the cop’s killer, goes into hiding along with Tim and her closest friend, Ashleigh.
While in hiding Tim and Rachel fall in love, though their happiness is overshadowed by Tim’s grim description of the future. He explains how most of the world’s population has been turned into “zombies” because a madman named Ahmad has poisoned water supplies with a future aberration of Rachel’s drug. The poison forces souls from their bodies and keeps them from returning, leaving its victims alive on a very base, primitive level. Though unattached souls are normally reassigned to newborns, they can’t occupy the bodies of babies born to the poisoned, soulless humans. As a result, billions of souls have become trapped indefinitely in a holding dimension, leaving humankind on the brink of extinction. It’s Ahmad’s hope that only his protected minions, whom he plans to use to create a super race, will survive.
Tim explains that a group of resistance fighters from his time possess an antidote to the poison – an antidote Rachel will create at some future date. Armed with this antidote, the resistance group is making some headway and because of that, Ahmad wants Rachel dead now: after she creates the drug that spawns the poison but before she can develop the antidote.
Toward that end, he is sending souls from his army back in time using a temporary space-time anomaly. These souls can occupy and use dead bodies – such as the mortally wounded policeman – and Ahmad hopes one of them can kill Rachel. There are limitations though: the bodies must be relatively “fresh,” as cell deterioration and rigor mortis quickly make them unusable.
What Ahmad and his men don’t know but eventually discover, is that a soul from the future can also occupy a live body (as the soul inside Tim has done), but only if the original soul has vacated the body and the body has been treated with Rachel’s drug, which creates an anti-rejection effect for “foreign” souls.
Rachel figures out that Doug, who was a dedicated Scrabble player in life, anagrammed his communications with her so the enemy “souls” wouldn’t understand them. She manages to unravel part of his cryptic message just before she learns that Megan has awakened from her coma. She heads back to the hospital, an action that will cost Ashleigh her life and allow one of Ahmad’s soul soldiers to temporarily occupy Ashleigh’s body.
Hoping to sneak Megan out of the hospital, Rachel solicits help from Hal and then spurns his romantic advances. Angry and bitter, Hal disappears, taking Rachel’s drug formula and the remaining doses with him. His body turns up later but the drug and formula are never found, setting the stage for the future apocalypse.
Megan tries to kill Rachel as they are leaving the hospital, forcing Rachel to accept that Megan’s soul is long gone and someone else is using her body. Without additional doses of the drug, the souls within the bodies of Megan and Tim are forced out and they both die. While mourning the loss of her friend, her daughter, and the man she grew to love, Rachel discovers she’s pregnant with another daughter. Eventually Rachel unravels the rest of Doug’s message and learns her second daughter, Leigh (named in honor of Ashleigh), is destined to become the future leader for the resistance.
Leigh’s story, which happens thirty-six years later, is told along with Rachel’s, tying together events in these two alternate times. Leigh, who has spent most of her life preparing for her role as leader of the resistance fighters, is grieving the loss of her lover, who has died in the effort. Guided by information Rachel passed on both verbally and in a set of secret diaries (some of which are stolen and given to Ahmad), Leigh knows it’s her destiny to send the soul of a man named Gavin back in time to occupy Tim Nerad’s body.
Success will not only insure Rachel’s survival in the past and Leigh’s own existence in the present, it will create hope for the future of Leigh’s unborn child. The resistance experiences a serious setback when a member of the group turns traitor. They eventually rally and gain a slight advantage, but Gavin’s soulless body is killed in the process. His overall mission succeeds, however, and though the future is still a big unknown, there is new hope for mankind’s survival.
And “I’ll be back” is the tagline, right? Because you’ve focused solely on events, and not given us any hint of character or voice, there’s nothing to banish the image of Arnold while I read this.
Particularly if you have a plot that draws on the classics, you MUST distinguish your work by voice. A synopsis can be a powerful tool; this one is merely a recitation of events.
It would help too if there is a twist or turn in the plot that I wasn’t expecting.
Title: Nick of Time
Physician researcher, Rachel Mayton, works for The Coleman Neuroscience Center, a privately-owned facility providing state-of-the-art care to comatose, brain-injured people. Rachel is about to make medical history with a new drug she has developed, one with the potential to restore mental and physical function to these patients. Though the drug may bring fame and fortune, Rachel’s primary interest is in whether it will help her nine-year-old daughter, Megan, awaken from the coma she’s been in since a car accident five years ago.
Just as Rachel is about to start her clinical trial, she is shot during a robbery and “dies.” Before medical personnel resuscitate her, Rachel has a near-death experience in which she sees and talks to her dead husband, Doug, who delivers a cryptic warning Rachel doesn’t understand. In the weeks that follow, Doug continues to “haunt” Rachel, first in dreams, then when she is awake.
Once the clinical trial starts, Rachel witnesses several short “awakenings” in one of the patients, a brain-injured construction worker named Tim Nerad. No one else witnesses these episodes and Rachel’s boss, Hal, becomes concerned about Rachel’s mental health, particularly after she tells him about her ghostly experiences. Then the supposedly comatose Tim disappears from the hospital and turns up at Rachel’s house claiming to be a time-traveling soul from the future who is “borrowing” Tim Nerad’s body.
Rachel is skeptical despite Tim’s proffered proof, but before she can sort it all out, a dead cop comes to life and tries to kill her. Rachel narrowly escapes and, when the authorities peg her as the cop’s killer, goes into hiding along with Tim and her closest friend, Ashleigh.
While in hiding Tim and Rachel fall in love, though their happiness is overshadowed by Tim’s grim description of the future. He explains how most of the world’s population has been turned into “zombies” because a madman named Ahmad has poisoned water supplies with a future aberration of Rachel’s drug. The poison forces souls from their bodies and keeps them from returning, leaving its victims alive on a very base, primitive level. Though unattached souls are normally reassigned to newborns, they can’t occupy the bodies of babies born to the poisoned, soulless humans. As a result, billions of souls have become trapped indefinitely in a holding dimension, leaving humankind on the brink of extinction. It’s Ahmad’s hope that only his protected minions, whom he plans to use to create a super race, will survive.
Tim explains that a group of resistance fighters from his time possess an antidote to the poison – an antidote Rachel will create at some future date. Armed with this antidote, the resistance group is making some headway and because of that, Ahmad wants Rachel dead now: after she creates the drug that spawns the poison but before she can develop the antidote.
Toward that end, he is sending souls from his army back in time using a temporary space-time anomaly. These souls can occupy and use dead bodies – such as the mortally wounded policeman – and Ahmad hopes one of them can kill Rachel. There are limitations though: the bodies must be relatively “fresh,” as cell deterioration and rigor mortis quickly make them unusable.
What Ahmad and his men don’t know but eventually discover, is that a soul from the future can also occupy a live body (as the soul inside Tim has done), but only if the original soul has vacated the body and the body has been treated with Rachel’s drug, which creates an anti-rejection effect for “foreign” souls.
Rachel figures out that Doug, who was a dedicated Scrabble player in life, anagrammed his communications with her so the enemy “souls” wouldn’t understand them. She manages to unravel part of his cryptic message just before she learns that Megan has awakened from her coma. She heads back to the hospital, an action that will cost Ashleigh her life and allow one of Ahmad’s soul soldiers to temporarily occupy Ashleigh’s body.
Hoping to sneak Megan out of the hospital, Rachel solicits help from Hal and then spurns his romantic advances. Angry and bitter, Hal disappears, taking Rachel’s drug formula and the remaining doses with him. His body turns up later but the drug and formula are never found, setting the stage for the future apocalypse.
Megan tries to kill Rachel as they are leaving the hospital, forcing Rachel to accept that Megan’s soul is long gone and someone else is using her body. Without additional doses of the drug, the souls within the bodies of Megan and Tim are forced out and they both die. While mourning the loss of her friend, her daughter, and the man she grew to love, Rachel discovers she’s pregnant with another daughter. Eventually Rachel unravels the rest of Doug’s message and learns her second daughter, Leigh (named in honor of Ashleigh), is destined to become the future leader for the resistance.
Leigh’s story, which happens thirty-six years later, is told along with Rachel’s, tying together events in these two alternate times. Leigh, who has spent most of her life preparing for her role as leader of the resistance fighters, is grieving the loss of her lover, who has died in the effort. Guided by information Rachel passed on both verbally and in a set of secret diaries (some of which are stolen and given to Ahmad), Leigh knows it’s her destiny to send the soul of a man named Gavin back in time to occupy Tim Nerad’s body.
Success will not only insure Rachel’s survival in the past and Leigh’s own existence in the present, it will create hope for the future of Leigh’s unborn child. The resistance experiences a serious setback when a member of the group turns traitor. They eventually rally and gain a slight advantage, but Gavin’s soulless body is killed in the process. His overall mission succeeds, however, and though the future is still a big unknown, there is new hope for mankind’s survival.
And “I’ll be back” is the tagline, right? Because you’ve focused solely on events, and not given us any hint of character or voice, there’s nothing to banish the image of Arnold while I read this.
Particularly if you have a plot that draws on the classics, you MUST distinguish your work by voice. A synopsis can be a powerful tool; this one is merely a recitation of events.
It would help too if there is a twist or turn in the plot that I wasn’t expecting.
#36 Crapometer
Title: A Faerie Fated Forever
Genre: Historical Romance (this is actually a romantic fantasy)
The Clan Maclee dwells in the Scottish Highlands, upon the Isle of Skye and the magic that pervades the island flows through their veins. Long ago Ian, laird of the clan, fell in love with Tara, a faerie princess. Her Father, King of the Faeries, allowed a hand fast marriage of a year and a day. Then Tara had to return to the land of faerie, leaving her husband and infant son. She made Ian promise not to leave the babe alone and to tend him so he never cried, for she couldn't bear his tears. For a time Ian kept his promise.
any time I see “dwells” and “upon the Isle” for “lives on the island” my antenna for over writing start to quiver. There’s a lot to be said for using the gilded vocabulary only where it counts.
However, one evening a party lured the nurses away and they left the child alone for the first time. The babe's cries drew his Mother and she soothed and wrapped him in her shawl. When the lad aged, (oh..grew up?) he told his Father that shawl was a flag the laird could wave to summon help from the faeries if the clan faced danger. How did Ian repay this boon? After the clan's fortunes dwindled, he wed another lass for money. Furious, the Faerie King cast a curse upon future lairds that each shall have one faerie fated love. She will set the claws of passion to his manhood, (yanno, if I was a guy, I’d like to think manhood wasn’t always the equivalent of sex) the need to possess to his soul, and the magic of love to his heart. He will be handsome, sensual and chased by lasses seeking to trap him. But marriage to anyone but his fated love will force him to live a lie, forever tormented by desire for his fated lady, whom he will meet but will never have.
This is where your story starts:
Now Niall Maclee faces the choice and (you mean “when” here) the elders insist that he wed Heather MacIver because the marriage would bring security and great wealth. Niall can't reconcile himself to the union. He chases ladies from his bed and uses the Maclee swipe to swat their hands away at gatherings. He feasts upon the tastiest lasses in the land (I thought he was chasing them away from the sentence preceding this) and knows dowdy Heather could never spur his passion. She could not be his faerie fated love.
Heather knows she is peculiar because Granny told her so. Her hair contains every shade of brown from tawny to auburn to chocolate. Surely her golden eyes must be cursed, and her figure resembles a twig holding up a pair of boulders. (hair and eye color, and body shape as the description of a character is LAZY ASS WRITING) She agrees with Granny that it is what is inside that counts and dresses to hide her flaws. Her attire makes her a target for the other lasses, who delight in making fun of her well-known crush on the laird. Heather believes Niall is the Prince Charming who will love the woman within. (too bad all we know about her right now is the exterior, huh)
But a witch summons Niall's desire with dark magic. Heather finds him entwined with the witch in the garden and a twig tears away her bonnet as she flees in tears. Too late, Niall sees that she is the faerie fated love who burns him alive each night in his dreams. Heather goes to family in London where she decides that every living thing changes or dies, and she vows to change and succeeds. Her transformation frees the panther within to prowl and prance. (prancing panthers? oh those adverbs) She conquers the ton (do you think everyone will know what “the ton” is?) but can't forget the love she left behind.
When Niall follows her to London he must use his family connection to a Duke and every sensual power in his arsenal to win her from handsome Viscount Badgerton. His Maclee charm and sensual enticements are not enough. It takes a heroic should-be suicidal rescue to convince Heather to give him a second chance. Even after she accepts his proposal, Niall must duel with the Viscount to defend her honor before they can go home for their wedding.
But there is no peace even on Skye. Niall's cousin, the Duke of Sedgewick's sixth sense warns of danger. After Heather is nearly poisoned, Niall becomes frantic to protect her. His security fails because the threat came from his friend, Calum, who refuses to let Niall win again - even if he must kill Heather to insure the loss. (this is the critical point of the narrative and you drop it in out of space and then don't explain it)
Calum shoots Heather as she walks to the chapel to be married. The healer determines the wound to be mortal and all grieve. In desperation, Niall draws out the faerie flag but the elders object to its use for the death of one lass will not endanger the clan. Niall disagrees because it would destroy the clan's laird. He waves the flag to summon the faeries, intending to demand their magic. Unfortunately, faeries don't take demands well and the price the King demands is Niall's pride and - in the opinion of the surrounding crowd - his manhood. The King decrees that Niall drop to his knees to beg for the magic that will save Heather. Begging violates the Highland creed, and all expect he must refuse.
What would he do to keep Heather? He would do anything. He would do everything. He would cast aside any pretension to pride or dignity and beg like a trained hound. Niall is a proud man, but if the cost of his pride is loosing (you mean losing, unless she’s tied up) Heather, then it is a price he can not pay. To the loud jeers of the clan, their laird goes down to his knees before the King and begs abjectly for Heather's life. The magic is granted and the payment of Niall's pride buys him a love beyond price.
They wed and Heather tells her Prince Charming that it is time for them to live happily ever after. Niall prefers to live satisfied ever after and anyway, he doesn't have a glass slipper. But he has something else he knows will fit and he thinks she will like it even better. The faeries sigh sadly but perk up when they remember that they will soon have a new laird to play with and that one will be named Ian.
Imagine the fun they will have with him!
You’ve got a LOT of words here for a pretty simple story. You can cut way down on the backstory and give us more about the characters. You’ve got the bad guy turning up with no explanation for his antipathy for the hero. You don’t need to explain all that stuff about the faeries and flags. In romantic fantasy a lot of that stuff is understood, much like in murder mysteries you know there will be a dead body, a suspect and a detective.
You’ve fallen into the cliché pit a lot too. If I never see “manhood” in a romance again I’ll be happy.
Genre: Historical Romance (this is actually a romantic fantasy)
The Clan Maclee dwells in the Scottish Highlands, upon the Isle of Skye and the magic that pervades the island flows through their veins. Long ago Ian, laird of the clan, fell in love with Tara, a faerie princess. Her Father, King of the Faeries, allowed a hand fast marriage of a year and a day. Then Tara had to return to the land of faerie, leaving her husband and infant son. She made Ian promise not to leave the babe alone and to tend him so he never cried, for she couldn't bear his tears. For a time Ian kept his promise.
any time I see “dwells” and “upon the Isle” for “lives on the island” my antenna for over writing start to quiver. There’s a lot to be said for using the gilded vocabulary only where it counts.
However, one evening a party lured the nurses away and they left the child alone for the first time. The babe's cries drew his Mother and she soothed and wrapped him in her shawl. When the lad aged, (oh..grew up?) he told his Father that shawl was a flag the laird could wave to summon help from the faeries if the clan faced danger. How did Ian repay this boon? After the clan's fortunes dwindled, he wed another lass for money. Furious, the Faerie King cast a curse upon future lairds that each shall have one faerie fated love. She will set the claws of passion to his manhood, (yanno, if I was a guy, I’d like to think manhood wasn’t always the equivalent of sex) the need to possess to his soul, and the magic of love to his heart. He will be handsome, sensual and chased by lasses seeking to trap him. But marriage to anyone but his fated love will force him to live a lie, forever tormented by desire for his fated lady, whom he will meet but will never have.
This is where your story starts:
Now Niall Maclee faces the choice and (you mean “when” here) the elders insist that he wed Heather MacIver because the marriage would bring security and great wealth. Niall can't reconcile himself to the union. He chases ladies from his bed and uses the Maclee swipe to swat their hands away at gatherings. He feasts upon the tastiest lasses in the land (I thought he was chasing them away from the sentence preceding this) and knows dowdy Heather could never spur his passion. She could not be his faerie fated love.
Heather knows she is peculiar because Granny told her so. Her hair contains every shade of brown from tawny to auburn to chocolate. Surely her golden eyes must be cursed, and her figure resembles a twig holding up a pair of boulders. (hair and eye color, and body shape as the description of a character is LAZY ASS WRITING) She agrees with Granny that it is what is inside that counts and dresses to hide her flaws. Her attire makes her a target for the other lasses, who delight in making fun of her well-known crush on the laird. Heather believes Niall is the Prince Charming who will love the woman within. (too bad all we know about her right now is the exterior, huh)
But a witch summons Niall's desire with dark magic. Heather finds him entwined with the witch in the garden and a twig tears away her bonnet as she flees in tears. Too late, Niall sees that she is the faerie fated love who burns him alive each night in his dreams. Heather goes to family in London where she decides that every living thing changes or dies, and she vows to change and succeeds. Her transformation frees the panther within to prowl and prance. (prancing panthers? oh those adverbs) She conquers the ton (do you think everyone will know what “the ton” is?) but can't forget the love she left behind.
When Niall follows her to London he must use his family connection to a Duke and every sensual power in his arsenal to win her from handsome Viscount Badgerton. His Maclee charm and sensual enticements are not enough. It takes a heroic should-be suicidal rescue to convince Heather to give him a second chance. Even after she accepts his proposal, Niall must duel with the Viscount to defend her honor before they can go home for their wedding.
But there is no peace even on Skye. Niall's cousin, the Duke of Sedgewick's sixth sense warns of danger. After Heather is nearly poisoned, Niall becomes frantic to protect her. His security fails because the threat came from his friend, Calum, who refuses to let Niall win again - even if he must kill Heather to insure the loss. (this is the critical point of the narrative and you drop it in out of space and then don't explain it)
Calum shoots Heather as she walks to the chapel to be married. The healer determines the wound to be mortal and all grieve. In desperation, Niall draws out the faerie flag but the elders object to its use for the death of one lass will not endanger the clan. Niall disagrees because it would destroy the clan's laird. He waves the flag to summon the faeries, intending to demand their magic. Unfortunately, faeries don't take demands well and the price the King demands is Niall's pride and - in the opinion of the surrounding crowd - his manhood. The King decrees that Niall drop to his knees to beg for the magic that will save Heather. Begging violates the Highland creed, and all expect he must refuse.
What would he do to keep Heather? He would do anything. He would do everything. He would cast aside any pretension to pride or dignity and beg like a trained hound. Niall is a proud man, but if the cost of his pride is loosing (you mean losing, unless she’s tied up) Heather, then it is a price he can not pay. To the loud jeers of the clan, their laird goes down to his knees before the King and begs abjectly for Heather's life. The magic is granted and the payment of Niall's pride buys him a love beyond price.
They wed and Heather tells her Prince Charming that it is time for them to live happily ever after. Niall prefers to live satisfied ever after and anyway, he doesn't have a glass slipper. But he has something else he knows will fit and he thinks she will like it even better. The faeries sigh sadly but perk up when they remember that they will soon have a new laird to play with and that one will be named Ian.
Imagine the fun they will have with him!
You’ve got a LOT of words here for a pretty simple story. You can cut way down on the backstory and give us more about the characters. You’ve got the bad guy turning up with no explanation for his antipathy for the hero. You don’t need to explain all that stuff about the faeries and flags. In romantic fantasy a lot of that stuff is understood, much like in murder mysteries you know there will be a dead body, a suspect and a detective.
You’ve fallen into the cliché pit a lot too. If I never see “manhood” in a romance again I’ll be happy.
12.27.2005
Tuesday's CrapFest is now finished
That's it for tonight. I'm crabby as hell.
Not a good time to be doing synopsis surgery!
I deleted six emails today with questions...unread.
Just a reminder, no questions even looked at, held in the green room or answered till the CrapFest is over.
If you need something to do, look at the post on Voting and contribute a category.
Not a good time to be doing synopsis surgery!
I deleted six emails today with questions...unread.
Just a reminder, no questions even looked at, held in the green room or answered till the CrapFest is over.
If you need something to do, look at the post on Voting and contribute a category.
#35 Crapometer
Genre: Commercial Fiction
To Vonnie Pennington, raised on the wrong side of the tracks and transformed into Houston's blossoming self-help expert, image is everything and she has it all. A loving marriage, the beautiful house in the exclusive zip code, and a successful career telling other women how they, too, can create the life they've always wanted. But when she runs into her husband AJ in Saks decked out in heels, a wig, and makeup better than her own, she bolts into the mall, crashes into a pole and is knocked out. Regaining consciousness with the help of her motherly neighbor and a nearby restaurant owner, Vonnie vows not to let anyone's lipstick, including her husband's, mar her perfect life. She loves AJ and always advises her readers to do everything possible to salvage a meaningful relationship. Vonnie hasn't begun doing everything possible.
Cross-dressing adolescent psychiatrist AJ Pennington (I assume here you mean he treats kids, not that he is one) wants to maintain the illusion of their perfect life and marriage almost as much as Vonnie does. (so..why the F is he cross dressing in public?) Previous attempts to reveal his true self to others resulted in rejection, and he can't bear the thought of Vonnie doing the same. But he doesn't know how long he's going to be able to keep pretending he's the man everyone thinks he is. His inner woman, Annabelle, refuses to stay under wraps.
Talk show host Claire Gershman, newly ensconced in the house across the street from Vonnie and AJ, didn't realize how living in such close proximity to their supposedly charmed existence would highlight the hollowness and desperation of her own. Consumed with envy that Vonnie has what Claire deserves, Claire sets out to poach AJ. But she doesn't stop there. When Claire's career is jeopardized, she decides Vonnie's career and life should be also.
Vonnie makes the best of the crimp AJ's true self puts in their sex life by struggling to take her own advice, though it's harder to do than she imagined. An upbeat, deal-with-it attitude only goes so far in fighting thoughts of the manly restaurant owner who helped her back at the mall when her life first spun off course.
One morning, a threatening anonymous note arrives from Claire alerting Vonnie and AJ that their efforts to keep up appearances have failed. Coming to grips with AJ's cross-dressing is no longer the issue; keeping it from destroying their personal and professional lives is. Distraught at having hurt Vonnie and causing buried baggage from her childhood to surface, AJ offers to leave, bringing her momentary relief and subsequent shame. Not only can't she do what she tells her readers to do, she's tempted to give up on her broken life before exerting sufficient effort to glue it together into a new normal. This realization strengthens her resolve to spin the situation into a better one for both of them. Committed to facing her marital challenge with renewed zest, she's friendlier to AJ's inner Annabelle, while continuing to fight her growing comfort in the masculine presence of the restaurant owner.
The only way you describe the restaurant owner is "manly" and "masculine". That says a lot...all of it bad.
In the meantime, Claire takes it upon herself to introduce Annabelle to the world by helping AJ's son expose AJ's secret, forcing Vonnie to decide whether she's going to stand by AJ or let him deal with the fallout of exposure alone. She chooses to stand by her man, such as he is. When Claire's wrinkle removing endeavor results in a near death experience and the motherly neighbor becomes sufficiently derailed by her own husband's latest sexual antics to strangle him in their cabana, Vonnie faces the shortness of life, especially her own.
AJ, now fully expelled from his closet and also freshly aware of life's limits, decides he's really a woman, taking the for worse part of Vonnie's vows to a new low. His idea of the two of them continuing as wife and wife forces Vonnie to accept that her spousal love has stretched to its limit. She wishes him bon voyage on his fast track to womanhood, forgives a reformed Claire, and begins work on her next book Love May Be Blind But You Don't Have to Be. The life she didn't know she wanted may or may not permanently include the hunky restaurant owner down the road. She'll decide when she gets there.
oy.
oy.
oy.
First of all, cross dressers aren’t gay, mostly. Not all gay men want to be women; in fact, many of them don’t want to be around women, let alone be one. Men who want to bccome women are called transgendered and are commonly called pre-op or post-op transsexuals. You don’t have to live here in Chelsea to know that.
You’ve got every stereotype and cliche in the book working here. “Wrong side of the tracks” “sex starved envious single neighbor” “ vixen trying to steal my man”
I’m not sure if you intend this to be funny, and light hearted but if you do the charm eludes me.
I think I remember this from the first pages you ran through the crapometer when she finds a pair of size xl underpants and thinks her husband is having an affair. I remember the writing as quite good.
Even if you have five superb pages, I’d never take this on.
To Vonnie Pennington, raised on the wrong side of the tracks and transformed into Houston's blossoming self-help expert, image is everything and she has it all. A loving marriage, the beautiful house in the exclusive zip code, and a successful career telling other women how they, too, can create the life they've always wanted. But when she runs into her husband AJ in Saks decked out in heels, a wig, and makeup better than her own, she bolts into the mall, crashes into a pole and is knocked out. Regaining consciousness with the help of her motherly neighbor and a nearby restaurant owner, Vonnie vows not to let anyone's lipstick, including her husband's, mar her perfect life. She loves AJ and always advises her readers to do everything possible to salvage a meaningful relationship. Vonnie hasn't begun doing everything possible.
Cross-dressing adolescent psychiatrist AJ Pennington (I assume here you mean he treats kids, not that he is one) wants to maintain the illusion of their perfect life and marriage almost as much as Vonnie does. (so..why the F is he cross dressing in public?) Previous attempts to reveal his true self to others resulted in rejection, and he can't bear the thought of Vonnie doing the same. But he doesn't know how long he's going to be able to keep pretending he's the man everyone thinks he is. His inner woman, Annabelle, refuses to stay under wraps.
Talk show host Claire Gershman, newly ensconced in the house across the street from Vonnie and AJ, didn't realize how living in such close proximity to their supposedly charmed existence would highlight the hollowness and desperation of her own. Consumed with envy that Vonnie has what Claire deserves, Claire sets out to poach AJ. But she doesn't stop there. When Claire's career is jeopardized, she decides Vonnie's career and life should be also.
Vonnie makes the best of the crimp AJ's true self puts in their sex life by struggling to take her own advice, though it's harder to do than she imagined. An upbeat, deal-with-it attitude only goes so far in fighting thoughts of the manly restaurant owner who helped her back at the mall when her life first spun off course.
One morning, a threatening anonymous note arrives from Claire alerting Vonnie and AJ that their efforts to keep up appearances have failed. Coming to grips with AJ's cross-dressing is no longer the issue; keeping it from destroying their personal and professional lives is. Distraught at having hurt Vonnie and causing buried baggage from her childhood to surface, AJ offers to leave, bringing her momentary relief and subsequent shame. Not only can't she do what she tells her readers to do, she's tempted to give up on her broken life before exerting sufficient effort to glue it together into a new normal. This realization strengthens her resolve to spin the situation into a better one for both of them. Committed to facing her marital challenge with renewed zest, she's friendlier to AJ's inner Annabelle, while continuing to fight her growing comfort in the masculine presence of the restaurant owner.
The only way you describe the restaurant owner is "manly" and "masculine". That says a lot...all of it bad.
In the meantime, Claire takes it upon herself to introduce Annabelle to the world by helping AJ's son expose AJ's secret, forcing Vonnie to decide whether she's going to stand by AJ or let him deal with the fallout of exposure alone. She chooses to stand by her man, such as he is. When Claire's wrinkle removing endeavor results in a near death experience and the motherly neighbor becomes sufficiently derailed by her own husband's latest sexual antics to strangle him in their cabana, Vonnie faces the shortness of life, especially her own.
AJ, now fully expelled from his closet and also freshly aware of life's limits, decides he's really a woman, taking the for worse part of Vonnie's vows to a new low. His idea of the two of them continuing as wife and wife forces Vonnie to accept that her spousal love has stretched to its limit. She wishes him bon voyage on his fast track to womanhood, forgives a reformed Claire, and begins work on her next book Love May Be Blind But You Don't Have to Be. The life she didn't know she wanted may or may not permanently include the hunky restaurant owner down the road. She'll decide when she gets there.
oy.
oy.
oy.
First of all, cross dressers aren’t gay, mostly. Not all gay men want to be women; in fact, many of them don’t want to be around women, let alone be one. Men who want to bccome women are called transgendered and are commonly called pre-op or post-op transsexuals. You don’t have to live here in Chelsea to know that.
You’ve got every stereotype and cliche in the book working here. “Wrong side of the tracks” “sex starved envious single neighbor” “ vixen trying to steal my man”
I’m not sure if you intend this to be funny, and light hearted but if you do the charm eludes me.
I think I remember this from the first pages you ran through the crapometer when she finds a pair of size xl underpants and thinks her husband is having an affair. I remember the writing as quite good.
Even if you have five superb pages, I’d never take this on.
#34 Crapometer
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Psychic Appeal Synopsis
The manslaughter charges have been dropped, but Sofia Parker, a Salem
psychic antique dealer and private investigator, (wow that girl multi tasks like nobody’s business) still can't shake her past. Her boyfriend might be dead according to the coroner, but he's far from gone. Ever since the funeral, he has haunted Sofia unwilling to accept the relationship is over and preventing her from moving past her guilt at being the driver of the car that killed him.
As if that wasn't problem enough, she's agreed to help Jacob Sanders find out who murdered his brother. Both struggling with fresh grief, they find themselves drawn to one another. But, in the face of Mark's phantom jealousy, Sofia isn't sure she's ready to get involved again.
Sofia realizes the case is more than a murder investigation when her clairvoyance reveals the killer is a necromancer who is raising an army of zombies. Discovering the lead detective is a zombie under the necromancer's control only confirms it and sends her, along with Jacob, running for their lives to hide in Fairy until the zombie cop loses their trail.
Fairy..is that like the Bronx, only with lower rent?
While in Fairy, Sofia earns safe passage by helping the dragons locate stolen gold and prevent a breach of their safe harbor treaty with the fay. She also has to decide how to handle her intensifying attraction to Jacob. His touch makes her feel alive again and chases away the
dark pit of grief inside. Sofia realizes if she's ever going to heal, she has to let go of her guilt over Mark's death and stop living as if she too were a ghost.
Before she can do so, she is betrayed by the dragons who arrange for her to be kidnaped by renegades (the magic mafia). The dragons have forged an alliance with the magic hungry renegades to take over Fairy and the human realm in order to further their political agenda.
I gotta wonder what a dragon's political agenda is. Mandatory breath mints? More dragons hired as firefighters? Teaching Intelligent Design?
Jacob is left for dead during the fight with the kidnappers and the renegades give Sofia to their ally, the necromancer responsible for killing his (which his?) brother. At the necromancer's stronghold, Sofia meets az ombie that doesn't rot and whose cool, dead touch reveals the
presence of Mark's soul trapped inside.
Sounds just like my last love muffin
Mark isn't as unhappy (or disgusted) as Sofia with the arrangement. Being a zombie allows him to pretend he's not dead and continue his relationship with Sofia. He's not the only one who wants a relationship with Sofia either. The necromancer reveals that psychics who see ghosts are necromancers in the making and he wants Sofia for his apprentice. Through superior psychic strength, he doesn't have to take 'no' for an answer.
This actually explains a lot about Donald Trump, now that I thnk about it.
Using the skills the necromancer forced her to learn, Sofia shakes off his psychic dominance long enough to attack him. In a brutal fight, Sofia takes a blow to the head just as she slices through the necromancer's throat with a knife, killing him and all his zombies with him.
Several days later, Sofia wakes up in the hospital to find Mark, a ghost once again, hovering next to her. Mark and Sofia have a last conversation where she convinces him to let his spirit move on. Mark finally accepts he will never live again and says his final goodbye to Sofia, fading into the afterlife, his soul at peace.
Jacob survives and manages to negotiate a compromise with the dragons and the fay resolving the breach of the safe harbor treaty. The police and their fay equivalent deal with the magic mafia, putting most of them in jail.
Disaster averted and crime solved, Jacob and Sofia reunite, planning to put their tragic pasts behind them.
Didn’t Whoopi Goldberg get an Oscar for this movie?
Agents reading synopsis want to know what makes this novel special. I don’t even read this genre much and it all looks familiar to me. You’ve got every fantasy element ever invented thrown in here; it’s Fibber McGee’s closet for SFF.
Coupled with that you’ve got some really clunky sentences like “moving past her guilt at being the driver of the car that killed him”.
There are hints of humor here but the synopsis doesn’t develop that at all.
You could have a really good book but this synopsis doesn't show me that.
Psychic Appeal Synopsis
The manslaughter charges have been dropped, but Sofia Parker, a Salem
psychic antique dealer and private investigator, (wow that girl multi tasks like nobody’s business) still can't shake her past. Her boyfriend might be dead according to the coroner, but he's far from gone. Ever since the funeral, he has haunted Sofia unwilling to accept the relationship is over and preventing her from moving past her guilt at being the driver of the car that killed him.
As if that wasn't problem enough, she's agreed to help Jacob Sanders find out who murdered his brother. Both struggling with fresh grief, they find themselves drawn to one another. But, in the face of Mark's phantom jealousy, Sofia isn't sure she's ready to get involved again.
Sofia realizes the case is more than a murder investigation when her clairvoyance reveals the killer is a necromancer who is raising an army of zombies. Discovering the lead detective is a zombie under the necromancer's control only confirms it and sends her, along with Jacob, running for their lives to hide in Fairy until the zombie cop loses their trail.
Fairy..is that like the Bronx, only with lower rent?
While in Fairy, Sofia earns safe passage by helping the dragons locate stolen gold and prevent a breach of their safe harbor treaty with the fay. She also has to decide how to handle her intensifying attraction to Jacob. His touch makes her feel alive again and chases away the
dark pit of grief inside. Sofia realizes if she's ever going to heal, she has to let go of her guilt over Mark's death and stop living as if she too were a ghost.
Before she can do so, she is betrayed by the dragons who arrange for her to be kidnaped by renegades (the magic mafia). The dragons have forged an alliance with the magic hungry renegades to take over Fairy and the human realm in order to further their political agenda.
I gotta wonder what a dragon's political agenda is. Mandatory breath mints? More dragons hired as firefighters? Teaching Intelligent Design?
Jacob is left for dead during the fight with the kidnappers and the renegades give Sofia to their ally, the necromancer responsible for killing his (which his?) brother. At the necromancer's stronghold, Sofia meets az ombie that doesn't rot and whose cool, dead touch reveals the
presence of Mark's soul trapped inside.
Sounds just like my last love muffin
Mark isn't as unhappy (or disgusted) as Sofia with the arrangement. Being a zombie allows him to pretend he's not dead and continue his relationship with Sofia. He's not the only one who wants a relationship with Sofia either. The necromancer reveals that psychics who see ghosts are necromancers in the making and he wants Sofia for his apprentice. Through superior psychic strength, he doesn't have to take 'no' for an answer.
This actually explains a lot about Donald Trump, now that I thnk about it.
Using the skills the necromancer forced her to learn, Sofia shakes off his psychic dominance long enough to attack him. In a brutal fight, Sofia takes a blow to the head just as she slices through the necromancer's throat with a knife, killing him and all his zombies with him.
Several days later, Sofia wakes up in the hospital to find Mark, a ghost once again, hovering next to her. Mark and Sofia have a last conversation where she convinces him to let his spirit move on. Mark finally accepts he will never live again and says his final goodbye to Sofia, fading into the afterlife, his soul at peace.
Jacob survives and manages to negotiate a compromise with the dragons and the fay resolving the breach of the safe harbor treaty. The police and their fay equivalent deal with the magic mafia, putting most of them in jail.
Disaster averted and crime solved, Jacob and Sofia reunite, planning to put their tragic pasts behind them.
Didn’t Whoopi Goldberg get an Oscar for this movie?
Agents reading synopsis want to know what makes this novel special. I don’t even read this genre much and it all looks familiar to me. You’ve got every fantasy element ever invented thrown in here; it’s Fibber McGee’s closet for SFF.
Coupled with that you’ve got some really clunky sentences like “moving past her guilt at being the driver of the car that killed him”.
There are hints of humor here but the synopsis doesn’t develop that at all.
You could have a really good book but this synopsis doesn't show me that.
#33 Crapometer
Chick Lit
Jo recently graduated from UW-Oshkosh and works for an IT solutions business. Jo is talented at database management, but consistently asked to assist in minor tasks. Her latest assignment is to a team lead by a co-worker with seniority but less ability.
Her lunch breaks are spent at the gym, working out some of the frustrations from the first half of her workday. Usually she keeps to herself, preferring to run while listening to music, but today the conversation at the next elliptical runner interests her. The lady next to her has a crisis at work related to a database. When the lady hangs up the phone, Jo asks if it is an update or a solution call. Since it is an update with no solution in sight, Jo offers a possible solution, hedging that since she has not seen the database she cannot be absolute. Liz believes that it is better than what her team is getting and asks if Jo would consult on the case. After taking over Liz's office for the afternoon, Jo solves the problem.
You’re getting bogged down in events here. We only need to see that Jo now has an alternative to the job she doesn’t like much.
Liz invites Jo to lunch as a personal thank you. During their conversation, Jo reveals to Liz that she hates her job and what she thinks of the company she works for, using the current project she finished as an example of the ineptness. Liz brings up the topic of consulting. Jo hasn't ever thought about the possibility.
Things go from bad to worse that afternoon at Jo's office. The project that she came in early to finish was exactly what the client was looking for. Not only did it come in under bid, the interface was easier than the original. Rather than giving credit where it was due, her manager gave credit to the co-worker that lead the team. It was Jo that made the changes that saved the time and made a better solution.
(A) Jo fumes on her way back to her cubicle and immediately calls Liz's office to schedule a meeting to discuss the "opportunity" presented.
(B) Jo believes in working hard and partying harder. She goes after everything in life with a vengeance, taking no time to think about the effects of her actions. She minimizes personal ties, but maximizes the ties she has to her business connections. If it hadn't been for a chance meeting between Liz and herself, (chance meeting with Liz) Jo would not be where she is today. Liz's resources and connections are endless. She is forever recommending Jo's services for project start-ups or when an approaching deadline might not be meet. Jo loves the money she makes and the hours she keeps, both of which support her spending and partying habits.
Clearly some time passes between Paragraph A and B but the way it’s written here, I first thought we were still on Day One.
Liz's cousin is getting married and Jo has agreed to go to the bachelorette party, to make sure that the bride to be has a great time. Jo is sure that she did, but doesn't remember much of what happened after the third round of shots. Or was it the fourth? She spends the next day trying to remember what happened and why she has a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Her other best friend, Emily, uses Jo's hangover and general ill-feeling to lecture on the importance of settling down and growing up. Emily is working on behalf of her mother and Jo's mother. Laura and Margaret lived next door to each other as they raised their daughters. The relationship between them crisscrosses the lines of family and friendship.
Oh Emily just sounds like the absolute worst stick in the mud EVER. If I had friends lecturing me about settling down and growing up, I’d bonk them over the head with a frying pan. That kind of lecture is reserved solely for people of Grandmother Snark’s generation and OLDER.
Jo views the ticket as an inconvenience and not to be taken seriously. As she waits for her name to be called, she wonders how big of a fine the judge will impose on her. The judge takes exception to Jo's attitude and sentences her to community service and a monetary punishment. Jo risks being found in contempt of court before she gets her mouth under control.
You have three tenses going here. One is usually enough per paragraph.
After she relates her tale of woe to her two best friends, she receives advice that she neither expects nor wants. Both Emily and Liz think that it is time that she settles down. They both argue that Jo is approaching 30 (you said she recently graduated from college...was she on the ten year program?) and can't expect to live like a college student forever. Jo dismisses both of them as worrywarts. A nagging voice in the back of her mind picks up the refrain and speaks up at the most inconvenient times.
Jo refuses to use any of her business contacts to find a place she can volunteer her time. She turns instead to her mother's circle of friends, but only after having to confess. (Cause of course, finding something on your own and NOT telling your mom doesn’t work??) She is told to contact a friend's son, who is the owner of a teen center. Jo's reluctance prevents her from contacting him immediately. Only after being reprimanded by her probation officer does she make the effort.
The teen center is nothing like her limited expectations conjured. It is a coffee house and study center of the sort Jo frequented in college. The proprietor wants to have an alternative place for the kids to hang out, get help with homework and find a replacement for the general guidance that the teens miss out on at home. (this doesn't describe a place any teen I know would hang out--it describes what grown ups thinks teens should be doing) Alex is torn between the necessary fund and awareness raising and doing what he actually loves, spending his time with the kids. His prejudice against Jo is evident in their first meeting. The picture he has of her is colored by others. (I'm with Alex, I don’t like her much either at this point).
Jo immediately decides that the center is an easy place to serve her time. When no kids are around, she figures the time can be used to work on client accounts. Alex has other plans for her. In a random act of desperation, Alex opens up to her and admits that the place isn't too far from going under. Jo has become attached to the place and one girl, Brooke. She finally begins to see that more exists in life that working and partying. With help from her friends, both old and new, Jo learns how to transition from being a carefree twenty-something to loving-life thirty-something.
Jo isn’t very likable which is an absolutely non-negotiable requirement.
Chick lit usually requires some sort of romantic element too, and that’s missing.
And those friends? Yikes! They sound more like evil sisters than friends.
Can you think of a single "teen center" that actually works? All the teens I know are either working, hanging out with their friends at the mall or the local pizza parlor, or home studying. No teen I know would be caught dead in something designated "teen". They want to be grown up. They like to hang out in Starbucks.
And “transitioning from a carefree 20something to a work and family oriented 30 something” doesn’t have quite the ring of fun in it that I look for in chick lit.
This synopsis makes the book sound like a morality tale, not chick lit. It may not BE that, but you’d never know from this.
Jo recently graduated from UW-Oshkosh and works for an IT solutions business. Jo is talented at database management, but consistently asked to assist in minor tasks. Her latest assignment is to a team lead by a co-worker with seniority but less ability.
Her lunch breaks are spent at the gym, working out some of the frustrations from the first half of her workday. Usually she keeps to herself, preferring to run while listening to music, but today the conversation at the next elliptical runner interests her. The lady next to her has a crisis at work related to a database. When the lady hangs up the phone, Jo asks if it is an update or a solution call. Since it is an update with no solution in sight, Jo offers a possible solution, hedging that since she has not seen the database she cannot be absolute. Liz believes that it is better than what her team is getting and asks if Jo would consult on the case. After taking over Liz's office for the afternoon, Jo solves the problem.
You’re getting bogged down in events here. We only need to see that Jo now has an alternative to the job she doesn’t like much.
Liz invites Jo to lunch as a personal thank you. During their conversation, Jo reveals to Liz that she hates her job and what she thinks of the company she works for, using the current project she finished as an example of the ineptness. Liz brings up the topic of consulting. Jo hasn't ever thought about the possibility.
Things go from bad to worse that afternoon at Jo's office. The project that she came in early to finish was exactly what the client was looking for. Not only did it come in under bid, the interface was easier than the original. Rather than giving credit where it was due, her manager gave credit to the co-worker that lead the team. It was Jo that made the changes that saved the time and made a better solution.
(A) Jo fumes on her way back to her cubicle and immediately calls Liz's office to schedule a meeting to discuss the "opportunity" presented.
(B) Jo believes in working hard and partying harder. She goes after everything in life with a vengeance, taking no time to think about the effects of her actions. She minimizes personal ties, but maximizes the ties she has to her business connections. If it hadn't been for a chance meeting between Liz and herself, (chance meeting with Liz) Jo would not be where she is today. Liz's resources and connections are endless. She is forever recommending Jo's services for project start-ups or when an approaching deadline might not be meet. Jo loves the money she makes and the hours she keeps, both of which support her spending and partying habits.
Clearly some time passes between Paragraph A and B but the way it’s written here, I first thought we were still on Day One.
Liz's cousin is getting married and Jo has agreed to go to the bachelorette party, to make sure that the bride to be has a great time. Jo is sure that she did, but doesn't remember much of what happened after the third round of shots. Or was it the fourth? She spends the next day trying to remember what happened and why she has a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Her other best friend, Emily, uses Jo's hangover and general ill-feeling to lecture on the importance of settling down and growing up. Emily is working on behalf of her mother and Jo's mother. Laura and Margaret lived next door to each other as they raised their daughters. The relationship between them crisscrosses the lines of family and friendship.
Oh Emily just sounds like the absolute worst stick in the mud EVER. If I had friends lecturing me about settling down and growing up, I’d bonk them over the head with a frying pan. That kind of lecture is reserved solely for people of Grandmother Snark’s generation and OLDER.
Jo views the ticket as an inconvenience and not to be taken seriously. As she waits for her name to be called, she wonders how big of a fine the judge will impose on her. The judge takes exception to Jo's attitude and sentences her to community service and a monetary punishment. Jo risks being found in contempt of court before she gets her mouth under control.
You have three tenses going here. One is usually enough per paragraph.
After she relates her tale of woe to her two best friends, she receives advice that she neither expects nor wants. Both Emily and Liz think that it is time that she settles down. They both argue that Jo is approaching 30 (you said she recently graduated from college...was she on the ten year program?) and can't expect to live like a college student forever. Jo dismisses both of them as worrywarts. A nagging voice in the back of her mind picks up the refrain and speaks up at the most inconvenient times.
Jo refuses to use any of her business contacts to find a place she can volunteer her time. She turns instead to her mother's circle of friends, but only after having to confess. (Cause of course, finding something on your own and NOT telling your mom doesn’t work??) She is told to contact a friend's son, who is the owner of a teen center. Jo's reluctance prevents her from contacting him immediately. Only after being reprimanded by her probation officer does she make the effort.
The teen center is nothing like her limited expectations conjured. It is a coffee house and study center of the sort Jo frequented in college. The proprietor wants to have an alternative place for the kids to hang out, get help with homework and find a replacement for the general guidance that the teens miss out on at home. (this doesn't describe a place any teen I know would hang out--it describes what grown ups thinks teens should be doing) Alex is torn between the necessary fund and awareness raising and doing what he actually loves, spending his time with the kids. His prejudice against Jo is evident in their first meeting. The picture he has of her is colored by others. (I'm with Alex, I don’t like her much either at this point).
Jo immediately decides that the center is an easy place to serve her time. When no kids are around, she figures the time can be used to work on client accounts. Alex has other plans for her. In a random act of desperation, Alex opens up to her and admits that the place isn't too far from going under. Jo has become attached to the place and one girl, Brooke. She finally begins to see that more exists in life that working and partying. With help from her friends, both old and new, Jo learns how to transition from being a carefree twenty-something to loving-life thirty-something.
Jo isn’t very likable which is an absolutely non-negotiable requirement.
Chick lit usually requires some sort of romantic element too, and that’s missing.
And those friends? Yikes! They sound more like evil sisters than friends.
Can you think of a single "teen center" that actually works? All the teens I know are either working, hanging out with their friends at the mall or the local pizza parlor, or home studying. No teen I know would be caught dead in something designated "teen". They want to be grown up. They like to hang out in Starbucks.
And “transitioning from a carefree 20something to a work and family oriented 30 something” doesn’t have quite the ring of fun in it that I look for in chick lit.
This synopsis makes the book sound like a morality tale, not chick lit. It may not BE that, but you’d never know from this.
#32 Crapometer
Historical Romance
AISLING’S TALE Synopsis
An Irish princess raised unconventionally by her widowed father, Aisling of Clan O’Ceallaigh is serious and quiet, with a questioning spirit engendered by her mother’s early death. Ciaran MacDonnell, an outgoing young warrior, meets Aisling when she arrives at the household of Clan O’Carey, where four years of traditional fosterage are about to begin. Lorcan McKenna, a fearsome Irish chieftain who knows what he wants and has no compunction about doing anything necessary to obtain it, will irrevocably change both their lives.
Fifth Century Ireland is a rough jewel of a country, untouched by the now dying Roman Empire. Rumors and prophecies of a stranger bringing a foreign god have been circulating, fomenting fear and unrest among the people of this remote land. When a former slave named Patricius lands on the eastern coast of Ireland, it seems the prophecy has come true. His foreign god is as approachable as the pagan gods are not, and the druids see the nearing end of their reign. The royal tribal dynasty of the Ui Neil are moving southward, annexing tribes and clans, and significant battles are being fought in the land known to the ancient Romans as Hibernia.
You’re falling into a trap here of being both in the historical moment and describing it from the outside.
For example: “Fifth Century Ireland” supposes a Christian calendar. My guess is the Druids marked time differently. Yes, WE the readers know what Fifth Century is, and it’s important to know when this novel happens, but for consistency I’d say “1500 yeears ago” rather than marking time from the birth of Christ. Also, would someone in Ireland at that point refer to themselves as pagans? Probably not. The Romans aren’t ancient in 500 AD. They’re alive, kicking, ruled by an Emperor who’s converted to Christianity and might think of the Greeks and Eqyptians as ancient, not Rome.
Against the fierce beauty of the Irish countryside, in a time before towns existed and the family was all, Aisling and Ciaran fall in love. But when Lorcan McKenna’s eye falls on Aisling, she is abducted on the long-awaited day of her return home. Taken away from every known friend and protector, Aisling has only herself to rely on as she fights to escape the Irish chieftain who is determined to have her at any cost.
You’ve spent a lot of words telling us about the when, but very little giving us an idea of what actually happens, much less anything of substance about the characters. And how does that wily beast St. Patrick fit into all this?
The tale of her quest to outwit her merciless captor is the story of a girl who matures through adversity into the woman who will sacrifice her own life to save the two men she loves most.
This isn’t awful, it’s just not complete. It’s like a window onto a lovely view, but the window needs to be washed. Soap up!
AISLING’S TALE Synopsis
An Irish princess raised unconventionally by her widowed father, Aisling of Clan O’Ceallaigh is serious and quiet, with a questioning spirit engendered by her mother’s early death. Ciaran MacDonnell, an outgoing young warrior, meets Aisling when she arrives at the household of Clan O’Carey, where four years of traditional fosterage are about to begin. Lorcan McKenna, a fearsome Irish chieftain who knows what he wants and has no compunction about doing anything necessary to obtain it, will irrevocably change both their lives.
Fifth Century Ireland is a rough jewel of a country, untouched by the now dying Roman Empire. Rumors and prophecies of a stranger bringing a foreign god have been circulating, fomenting fear and unrest among the people of this remote land. When a former slave named Patricius lands on the eastern coast of Ireland, it seems the prophecy has come true. His foreign god is as approachable as the pagan gods are not, and the druids see the nearing end of their reign. The royal tribal dynasty of the Ui Neil are moving southward, annexing tribes and clans, and significant battles are being fought in the land known to the ancient Romans as Hibernia.
You’re falling into a trap here of being both in the historical moment and describing it from the outside.
For example: “Fifth Century Ireland” supposes a Christian calendar. My guess is the Druids marked time differently. Yes, WE the readers know what Fifth Century is, and it’s important to know when this novel happens, but for consistency I’d say “1500 yeears ago” rather than marking time from the birth of Christ. Also, would someone in Ireland at that point refer to themselves as pagans? Probably not. The Romans aren’t ancient in 500 AD. They’re alive, kicking, ruled by an Emperor who’s converted to Christianity and might think of the Greeks and Eqyptians as ancient, not Rome.
Against the fierce beauty of the Irish countryside, in a time before towns existed and the family was all, Aisling and Ciaran fall in love. But when Lorcan McKenna’s eye falls on Aisling, she is abducted on the long-awaited day of her return home. Taken away from every known friend and protector, Aisling has only herself to rely on as she fights to escape the Irish chieftain who is determined to have her at any cost.
You’ve spent a lot of words telling us about the when, but very little giving us an idea of what actually happens, much less anything of substance about the characters. And how does that wily beast St. Patrick fit into all this?
The tale of her quest to outwit her merciless captor is the story of a girl who matures through adversity into the woman who will sacrifice her own life to save the two men she loves most.
This isn’t awful, it’s just not complete. It’s like a window onto a lovely view, but the window needs to be washed. Soap up!
Cast your Vote!
At the end of the Synopses Run there will be an opportunity to vote.
There will be several categories including but not limited to:
1. Synopsis was most helpful to me (ie you the voter)
2. Synopsis comments that made me wonder if Miss Snark is a nitwit
3. Synopsis that made me want to buy the book
and other categories, perhaps one suggested by you.
Feel free to suggest.
Voting will be by crapometer posting number.
Rules/time windows to be announced closer to the end of the run.
There will be several categories including but not limited to:
1. Synopsis was most helpful to me (ie you the voter)
2. Synopsis comments that made me wonder if Miss Snark is a nitwit
3. Synopsis that made me want to buy the book
and other categories, perhaps one suggested by you.
Feel free to suggest.
Voting will be by crapometer posting number.
Rules/time windows to be announced closer to the end of the run.
#31 Crapometer
Genre: Young Adult Christian Fantasy (12 and up)
Title: F.A.I.R.I.E.S.: Be Careful What You Wish For
Plot Synopsis:
After an argument with one of her sisters, Mimi Goodwin, a 12 year old human, runs away from her family down a beach in Santa Cruz, California and begins wishing for a new life…to become someone different, someone rich. A Dryad (tree Nymph) named Regnans seemingly grants her wishes. He informs Mimi that the F.A.I.R.I.E.S. (Fantastical, Aerial, International, Reasonably Inconspicuous, Emancipation Squads) have chosen her to join them.
where was Regnans when Miss Snark was 12??? I would have given my science textbook and a year's supply of YooHoo to join a band of FAIRIES.
Entering their caverns, Mimi meets several fantastical beings as she undergoes F.A.I.R.I.E.S. inprocessing. To reveal her hidden talents, she takes an aptitude test given by a Gnome and a Sphinx (the wisest beings in the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.’ world.)
sheesh..even in FAIRIE land they’re focused on tests now.
Before becoming a full fledged F.A.I.R.I.E. Squadmember, Mimi requires training. While enduring Basic Training, Mimi discovers that the F.A.I.R.I.E.S. are at war with those who reside in the Darkness. She realizes she has become involved in the age-old spiritual battle between the Light and the Dark. She also learns that she possesses some amazing abilities, gifted (no such word, I don’t care what anyone else says; you mean given to) her by the One, although she remains Human.
After graduating from Basic, Mimi finds a golden treasure in the ocean while swimming with an Oceanide friend. This treasure turns out to be golden German Dragon eggs (an extinct race of Dragon), and the key to convincing the Dragons to rejoin the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
Mimi embarks on a quest to China and must use all her newly learned skills and gifts to accomplish her task of reuniting the Dragons with the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
Just after completing the mission, Mimi receives instructions that she must assist in freeing beings enslaved by the I.M.P.S. (Immoral Manipulative Peonage Sorcerers). The Red Chinese Dragons decide to help Mimi, along with the Far East F.A.I.R.I.E.S. and her own West Coast F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
They attack the evil city, Bhogavati, home of the Snakemen and stronghold of the I.M.P.S. They successfully free the imprisoned beings from one of the I.M.P.S.’ main leaders, a human witch named Lilith.
My novel ends with Mimi possessing a much better understanding of her true self and the nature of spiritual warfare. She returns to her family, reconciles with them, and awaits a message to return to the fantastical realm that has become her home.
Well, Christian fantasy is soooo outside my area of expertise that I have no idea if this plot is hackneyed or freshly original. It does seem oddly missing Christ-references if it’s Christian.
There’s not much about the characters here; you’re focused on what happens to the characters, not how they change and develop until the very end.
You didn't shoot yourself in the foot, and the aliens that arrive in chapter 14 actually belong there, so this passes.
Title: F.A.I.R.I.E.S.: Be Careful What You Wish For
Plot Synopsis:
After an argument with one of her sisters, Mimi Goodwin, a 12 year old human, runs away from her family down a beach in Santa Cruz, California and begins wishing for a new life…to become someone different, someone rich. A Dryad (tree Nymph) named Regnans seemingly grants her wishes. He informs Mimi that the F.A.I.R.I.E.S. (Fantastical, Aerial, International, Reasonably Inconspicuous, Emancipation Squads) have chosen her to join them.
where was Regnans when Miss Snark was 12??? I would have given my science textbook and a year's supply of YooHoo to join a band of FAIRIES.
Entering their caverns, Mimi meets several fantastical beings as she undergoes F.A.I.R.I.E.S. inprocessing. To reveal her hidden talents, she takes an aptitude test given by a Gnome and a Sphinx (the wisest beings in the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.’ world.)
sheesh..even in FAIRIE land they’re focused on tests now.
Before becoming a full fledged F.A.I.R.I.E. Squadmember, Mimi requires training. While enduring Basic Training, Mimi discovers that the F.A.I.R.I.E.S. are at war with those who reside in the Darkness. She realizes she has become involved in the age-old spiritual battle between the Light and the Dark. She also learns that she possesses some amazing abilities, gifted (no such word, I don’t care what anyone else says; you mean given to) her by the One, although she remains Human.
After graduating from Basic, Mimi finds a golden treasure in the ocean while swimming with an Oceanide friend. This treasure turns out to be golden German Dragon eggs (an extinct race of Dragon), and the key to convincing the Dragons to rejoin the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
Mimi embarks on a quest to China and must use all her newly learned skills and gifts to accomplish her task of reuniting the Dragons with the F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
Just after completing the mission, Mimi receives instructions that she must assist in freeing beings enslaved by the I.M.P.S. (Immoral Manipulative Peonage Sorcerers). The Red Chinese Dragons decide to help Mimi, along with the Far East F.A.I.R.I.E.S. and her own West Coast F.A.I.R.I.E.S.
They attack the evil city, Bhogavati, home of the Snakemen and stronghold of the I.M.P.S. They successfully free the imprisoned beings from one of the I.M.P.S.’ main leaders, a human witch named Lilith.
My novel ends with Mimi possessing a much better understanding of her true self and the nature of spiritual warfare. She returns to her family, reconciles with them, and awaits a message to return to the fantastical realm that has become her home.
Well, Christian fantasy is soooo outside my area of expertise that I have no idea if this plot is hackneyed or freshly original. It does seem oddly missing Christ-references if it’s Christian.
There’s not much about the characters here; you’re focused on what happens to the characters, not how they change and develop until the very end.
You didn't shoot yourself in the foot, and the aliens that arrive in chapter 14 actually belong there, so this passes.
#30 Crapometer
Urban Dark fantasy
When demon hunter Elise McCollum successfully exorcises a demon from a young girl named Clarice without hurting her, she's pleased to have done her job well and assured the safety of the girl. But her godfather and ally in the fight against evil, Daniel Jackson, tells Elise that they may not yet be done with the demon who possessed Clarice, as he is unable to determine what demon it was that attacked her in the first place.
No demon ID huh? No *69 on the demon dialler?
Later that day, when Elise goes to a victim of one of Clarice's attacks to try to follow up on her health, she's more than just slightly startled to learn that Clarice's possession was indeed not ordinary. Clarice, before her possession, had been dead. She's shocked to find that this isn't the only person who has been seemingly resurrected when an old college professor of hers rises and attacks her at his own funeral. Elise finds herself nearly unable to exorcise him, nervous because of how very unusual the demon she's facing is and worried she won't be able to do it. Daniel gives her the confidence needed and she successfully performs the exorcism. Unsure of how to handle these unusual exorcisms, Elise goes to talk to another expert for help, Father Mikhail Night. All that Father Night can tell her is that it's impossible for demons to possess corpses, much less resurrect them.
The next day, Elise goes to the hospital at which (where) Clarice is recuperating. It shortly becomes clear that not only is Clarice very much alive, but Elise didn't manage to fully exorcise the demon from her: Clarice, and possibly the professor as well, are still under the control of the demon. She receives a call from Father Night saying that there is a demon attack at a local book store, and Elise quickly rushes over to save both the priest and the bookstore's owner, Rebecca Ferguson. She kills the demon, only to find that it was after an unusual pendant that Rebecca has been holding onto for quite some time. Elise confers again with Daniel about the pendant's origins, but even with a little more information, they can't figure out what's going on. They return to the cemetery where Clarice and the professor had been buried, only to fall into a trap set by a witch who may be working for the demon in question. Elise and Daniel get separated, and they both get beaten badly, Daniel nearly fatally.
Elise returns Daniel to his home for recovery and goes to his office to try to track down the demon. (in the online demon registry? why would she go to an office to track down a demon?) One of his students, Ann, comes to his office as well, but she isn't there to get help. She reveals (why? this is like Dr. No explaining his plan to rule the world before he kills James Bond...it's a device used when the plot doesn't unfold naturally) that she is the witch who attacked Elise and Daniel and is working as the second-in-command for a greater demon who can resurrect the dead, and tries to restrain Elise. When Ann also reveals that she's going to kidnap Daniel as well and use him as a sacrifice to give the demon a corporeal form, Elise escapes and calls for backup, bringing Father Night and Rebecca together to get him back. While talking about their options, two of Elise's college classmates unfortunately overhear and learn of the demon underworld. For all the confusion it causes, it turns out to be fortunate, as well, because Elise's classmate Betty turns out to be a witch herself. They turn the artifact that Rebecca had at her bookstore into its true form - a version of the Book of the Dead that harbors the evil demon Ann worships.
Yea , thank dog for those undercover witches.
They take the Book to Ann's place of worship, planning to trade it for Daniel's safety, but Ann has other plans. She takes the Book from them, and while everyone watches, kills Daniel. Elise breaks into a numb fury, (breaks into numb fury?--there's a contradiction in terms) attacking Ann and almost killing her without a thought for the consequences. (cause of course, normally, she's very concerned about consequences). Before she can finish the job Daniel returns, resurrected with the greater demon possessing him. Elise fights him, but finds herself completely unable to exorcise him without his help. She's finally forced to draw off the combined power of Father Night, and exorcises not only Daniel but all of the other corpses who were resurrected -killing them all in the process, including Clarice and Ann.
When Elise realizes what she has done, she takes the now-benign Book of the Dead and ignores all warnings to the contrary, resurrecting Daniel. There are no apparent side-effects, and everyone is all right, but Elise is emotionally broken and may never be the same.
somehow, I bet she recovers for the sequel, cause yanno, the thing about demons and the Undead..they always come back in book two.
You've trapped yourself in a rendition of events and missed giving us a sense of character or voice. Possessions, witches, wizards, exorcisms and bookstore pendants are a dime a dozen. You MUST show what's new, fresh and original about your story.
A synopsis is the only thing you have that will do that other than the first five pages of your novel. Don't squander the opportunity.
When demon hunter Elise McCollum successfully exorcises a demon from a young girl named Clarice without hurting her, she's pleased to have done her job well and assured the safety of the girl. But her godfather and ally in the fight against evil, Daniel Jackson, tells Elise that they may not yet be done with the demon who possessed Clarice, as he is unable to determine what demon it was that attacked her in the first place.
No demon ID huh? No *69 on the demon dialler?
Later that day, when Elise goes to a victim of one of Clarice's attacks to try to follow up on her health, she's more than just slightly startled to learn that Clarice's possession was indeed not ordinary. Clarice, before her possession, had been dead. She's shocked to find that this isn't the only person who has been seemingly resurrected when an old college professor of hers rises and attacks her at his own funeral. Elise finds herself nearly unable to exorcise him, nervous because of how very unusual the demon she's facing is and worried she won't be able to do it. Daniel gives her the confidence needed and she successfully performs the exorcism. Unsure of how to handle these unusual exorcisms, Elise goes to talk to another expert for help, Father Mikhail Night. All that Father Night can tell her is that it's impossible for demons to possess corpses, much less resurrect them.
The next day, Elise goes to the hospital at which (where) Clarice is recuperating. It shortly becomes clear that not only is Clarice very much alive, but Elise didn't manage to fully exorcise the demon from her: Clarice, and possibly the professor as well, are still under the control of the demon. She receives a call from Father Night saying that there is a demon attack at a local book store, and Elise quickly rushes over to save both the priest and the bookstore's owner, Rebecca Ferguson. She kills the demon, only to find that it was after an unusual pendant that Rebecca has been holding onto for quite some time. Elise confers again with Daniel about the pendant's origins, but even with a little more information, they can't figure out what's going on. They return to the cemetery where Clarice and the professor had been buried, only to fall into a trap set by a witch who may be working for the demon in question. Elise and Daniel get separated, and they both get beaten badly, Daniel nearly fatally.
Elise returns Daniel to his home for recovery and goes to his office to try to track down the demon. (in the online demon registry? why would she go to an office to track down a demon?) One of his students, Ann, comes to his office as well, but she isn't there to get help. She reveals (why? this is like Dr. No explaining his plan to rule the world before he kills James Bond...it's a device used when the plot doesn't unfold naturally) that she is the witch who attacked Elise and Daniel and is working as the second-in-command for a greater demon who can resurrect the dead, and tries to restrain Elise. When Ann also reveals that she's going to kidnap Daniel as well and use him as a sacrifice to give the demon a corporeal form, Elise escapes and calls for backup, bringing Father Night and Rebecca together to get him back. While talking about their options, two of Elise's college classmates unfortunately overhear and learn of the demon underworld. For all the confusion it causes, it turns out to be fortunate, as well, because Elise's classmate Betty turns out to be a witch herself. They turn the artifact that Rebecca had at her bookstore into its true form - a version of the Book of the Dead that harbors the evil demon Ann worships.
Yea , thank dog for those undercover witches.
They take the Book to Ann's place of worship, planning to trade it for Daniel's safety, but Ann has other plans. She takes the Book from them, and while everyone watches, kills Daniel. Elise breaks into a numb fury, (breaks into numb fury?--there's a contradiction in terms) attacking Ann and almost killing her without a thought for the consequences. (cause of course, normally, she's very concerned about consequences). Before she can finish the job Daniel returns, resurrected with the greater demon possessing him. Elise fights him, but finds herself completely unable to exorcise him without his help. She's finally forced to draw off the combined power of Father Night, and exorcises not only Daniel but all of the other corpses who were resurrected -killing them all in the process, including Clarice and Ann.
When Elise realizes what she has done, she takes the now-benign Book of the Dead and ignores all warnings to the contrary, resurrecting Daniel. There are no apparent side-effects, and everyone is all right, but Elise is emotionally broken and may never be the same.
somehow, I bet she recovers for the sequel, cause yanno, the thing about demons and the Undead..they always come back in book two.
You've trapped yourself in a rendition of events and missed giving us a sense of character or voice. Possessions, witches, wizards, exorcisms and bookstore pendants are a dime a dozen. You MUST show what's new, fresh and original about your story.
A synopsis is the only thing you have that will do that other than the first five pages of your novel. Don't squander the opportunity.
#29 Crapometer
Genre: Literary Fiction
Title: "Quartering"
A 13-year-old boy must take over his best friend's newspaper route for a month in the summer of 1959. The boy, only child of a prosperous Memphis family, loves to throw the papers, but the weekly collections force him to talk to people, exposing his debilitating stutter. The family's housekeeper, sensing the boy's apprehension, wants to help but understands like no one else that he must tackle this by himself. While words will not flow easily from the boy's mouth, throwing a newspaper or a ball gives him a rare serenity.
During the first week the boy encounters three people who, along with the beloved housekeeper, carry the story line -- an alcoholic housewife, a mysterious older gentleman with an abundance of answers and a junk man who roams the neighborhood with his gaudy push-cart.
The housewife quickly senses the boy's vulnerability as he is inexplicably drawn to the woman's red hair, red lipstick and strange moods. The woman eventually will confuse the boy even more as she seduces him in one of her alcoholic stupors.
The boy's initial meeting with the kindly gentleman, Mr. Prince, results in the boy running out of breath and briefly passing out while trying to tell the man his name. Upon recovering, the boy begins the first of four enriching conversations with the all-knowing Mr. Prince who tips the boy each week with one-fourth of a dollar bill with a single word hand-written on each piece.
Mam, the housekeeper, is wary of the junk man and warns the boy to keep away from him. The boy earlier had given the junk man his yellow-handled knife to sharpen so it would cut through the cord on the newspaper bundles. The junk man teases the boy about his speech impediment and won't give back his knife. The boy follows the junk man to an old coal shed in an alley where the man lives. The boy later returns when the junk man is not around to find an assortment of oddities and stolen items in the shed, but no knife.
The paper route continues to open a new world for the 13-year-old, but so does a dinner at an up-scale restaurant which abruptly ends when the boy embarrasses his parents by choking on his food. Later that night, the boy overhears his parents talking only to discover he was fathered by someone other than the man he knows as his father. The new knowledge is all the more confusing because he feels much closer to his father than his mother. The way his mother uses words incorrectly and the way she treats Mam disgusts him.
The Memphis weather turns brutally hot during the fourth week. On the last Friday the boy must do the collections, he comes into his room to find it ransacked and all his money taken from the desk drawer. Mam and the boy ride the bus downtown in pursuit of the junk man. They find his cart in back of what turns out to be a whorehouse. The boy hides in the cart while Mam marches in for a confrontation. The boy, alone with his thoughts in the cart, knows Mam has been in the house too long. He sneaks into the house to find the junk man with his hands around her throat. Summoning his power, the boy hurls a bottle at the junk man's head. Momentarily stunned, the junk man turns on the boy and begins to choke the life out of him. Mam plunges the yellow-handled knife in the junk man's neck. The whorehouse community efficiently cleans up the scene of the death, a common occurrence in the segregated Memphis of the late 1950s.
In the final two chapters the boy and Mam talk about the month's happenings. The boy, who is nameless throughout the entire manuscript, attempts to understand his seduction, the lessons that Mr. Prince has tried to impart and how a 13-year-old stuttering bastard might survive in the new world being unveiled.
"Quartering" (85,000 words in 16 chapters) is told in a first-person voice that is laid bare by a pre-adolescent truthfulness and humor. In addition to its strong narrative line, "Quartering" is the first work of fiction that attempts to discover the pathology of a severe speech impediment. The stuttering is handled in a way that does not hamper readability as it creates a unique tone. For instance, because the boy understands that a comma means there is a formal pause, he explains to the reader why he must write without commas. Spoken words don't come easy for the boy, so he holds all words in reverence. The totality of the story is summed up in the first paragraph:
"I didn't mind throwing the paper route. That's the first thing you need to know if you are going to take time to hear my story. To tell the truth. Throwing seemed to be what was holding my whacky life together. A hard throw that got away is the reason I had to take on the paper route in the first place. It's a longer story than I have any business trying to tell. But I'll try."
This is excellent. It does not mistake a chronology of events, for what the novel is about. It explains what might be considered , at first read, "mistakes": no commas. Even though the novel is in first person, the synopsis is not. This is a good choice.
There are some weird plot turns, but I'd be willing to read this.
Title: "Quartering"
A 13-year-old boy must take over his best friend's newspaper route for a month in the summer of 1959. The boy, only child of a prosperous Memphis family, loves to throw the papers, but the weekly collections force him to talk to people, exposing his debilitating stutter. The family's housekeeper, sensing the boy's apprehension, wants to help but understands like no one else that he must tackle this by himself. While words will not flow easily from the boy's mouth, throwing a newspaper or a ball gives him a rare serenity.
During the first week the boy encounters three people who, along with the beloved housekeeper, carry the story line -- an alcoholic housewife, a mysterious older gentleman with an abundance of answers and a junk man who roams the neighborhood with his gaudy push-cart.
The housewife quickly senses the boy's vulnerability as he is inexplicably drawn to the woman's red hair, red lipstick and strange moods. The woman eventually will confuse the boy even more as she seduces him in one of her alcoholic stupors.
The boy's initial meeting with the kindly gentleman, Mr. Prince, results in the boy running out of breath and briefly passing out while trying to tell the man his name. Upon recovering, the boy begins the first of four enriching conversations with the all-knowing Mr. Prince who tips the boy each week with one-fourth of a dollar bill with a single word hand-written on each piece.
Mam, the housekeeper, is wary of the junk man and warns the boy to keep away from him. The boy earlier had given the junk man his yellow-handled knife to sharpen so it would cut through the cord on the newspaper bundles. The junk man teases the boy about his speech impediment and won't give back his knife. The boy follows the junk man to an old coal shed in an alley where the man lives. The boy later returns when the junk man is not around to find an assortment of oddities and stolen items in the shed, but no knife.
The paper route continues to open a new world for the 13-year-old, but so does a dinner at an up-scale restaurant which abruptly ends when the boy embarrasses his parents by choking on his food. Later that night, the boy overhears his parents talking only to discover he was fathered by someone other than the man he knows as his father. The new knowledge is all the more confusing because he feels much closer to his father than his mother. The way his mother uses words incorrectly and the way she treats Mam disgusts him.
The Memphis weather turns brutally hot during the fourth week. On the last Friday the boy must do the collections, he comes into his room to find it ransacked and all his money taken from the desk drawer. Mam and the boy ride the bus downtown in pursuit of the junk man. They find his cart in back of what turns out to be a whorehouse. The boy hides in the cart while Mam marches in for a confrontation. The boy, alone with his thoughts in the cart, knows Mam has been in the house too long. He sneaks into the house to find the junk man with his hands around her throat. Summoning his power, the boy hurls a bottle at the junk man's head. Momentarily stunned, the junk man turns on the boy and begins to choke the life out of him. Mam plunges the yellow-handled knife in the junk man's neck. The whorehouse community efficiently cleans up the scene of the death, a common occurrence in the segregated Memphis of the late 1950s.
In the final two chapters the boy and Mam talk about the month's happenings. The boy, who is nameless throughout the entire manuscript, attempts to understand his seduction, the lessons that Mr. Prince has tried to impart and how a 13-year-old stuttering bastard might survive in the new world being unveiled.
"Quartering" (85,000 words in 16 chapters) is told in a first-person voice that is laid bare by a pre-adolescent truthfulness and humor. In addition to its strong narrative line, "Quartering" is the first work of fiction that attempts to discover the pathology of a severe speech impediment. The stuttering is handled in a way that does not hamper readability as it creates a unique tone. For instance, because the boy understands that a comma means there is a formal pause, he explains to the reader why he must write without commas. Spoken words don't come easy for the boy, so he holds all words in reverence. The totality of the story is summed up in the first paragraph:
"I didn't mind throwing the paper route. That's the first thing you need to know if you are going to take time to hear my story. To tell the truth. Throwing seemed to be what was holding my whacky life together. A hard throw that got away is the reason I had to take on the paper route in the first place. It's a longer story than I have any business trying to tell. But I'll try."
This is excellent. It does not mistake a chronology of events, for what the novel is about. It explains what might be considered , at first read, "mistakes": no commas. Even though the novel is in first person, the synopsis is not. This is a good choice.
There are some weird plot turns, but I'd be willing to read this.
#28 Crapometer
Title: A Judgement of Errors
Genre: Rom-Com
When Tiphanie arrives at Lanleigh to hold a week of workshops on cartooning, her boyfriend, Howard, tries to persuade her to share his room. A dark, piratical-looking man alerts them to his presence. Tiphanie has a heated exchange with him. She calls him ‘Mr Sarky’ (short for sarcastic) and is glad when he says his cartography workshops have finished and he’s leaving.
Tiphanie and Howard argue when she tells him she’s looking after her niece and nephew (twins) and cat-sitting for her brother, so can’t go on holiday with him. On the last morning at Lanleigh, Tiphanie finds her best friend naked in Howard’s suite. She chucks champagne ice over Howard in his after sex sleep. Returning to her room, Tiphanie collides with ‘Mr Sarky’ who has come to collect something. He obviously thinks she spent the night with Howard. Later, he sees her drive away with a man. (It’s a dummy escort; an unpleasant incident three years back has made her nervous of being alone in the car).
Next day at her brother’s converted lighthouse, Tristan (who?) is trying to unjam the zip in Tiphanie’s jeans when ‘Mr Sarky’ walks in. He leaves thinking Tiphanie flits from man to man…like his ex-wife. Tristan tells Tiphanie the man is Kyle Cooper who lives the other side of the river.
The twins arrive and Tristan leaves. Tiphanie plays noisily with the twins. Kyle comes to complain; a cushion lands on him and bursts. He is furious. Tiphanie implies she’s lived with two men who use “artistic temperament” to excuse bad temper. Something the twins say make Kyle think Tiphanie is their mother, but won’t allow them to call her Mum. (One of the cats used to be called Chrysanthemum or Mum but must, acting on advice from a cat therapist, now be called Crystal). Kyle tells himself he can’t possibly feel anything but contempt for this woman who, as well as everything else, denies her own children.
Tiphanie watches Kyle stride away across the bridge and can’t believe she’s attracted to him. (yea, me either) One of the cats gets stuck up a tree. Tiphanie, wearing only a short nightshirt, climbs up to get it and has a terrifying experience with a stray dog. Kyle comes to the rescue. Tiphanie is very shaken. Kyle tells her he’ll watch the twins while she has a lie down. When she wakes he tells Tiphanie an accident left him with vertigo and ever since he’s suffered from acrophobia. Because he couldn’t overcome his fear, he gave up his career as a psychologist and became a cartographer and wordsmith.
that makes no sense at all to me. Fear of heights made him give up being a psychologist?
Back at home, Kyle regrets telling her anything. In spite of having seen a softer side to her, he still doesn’t like the way (he thinks) she behaves towards her children. The twins told him how they live with their grandmother so their mum can follow her career.
The twins make a scarecrow and dress it in their clothes. They abandon it near the river; it falls in face down. Kyle sees it and thinks it’s one of the twins. He jumps in and gets into difficulties. As Tiphanie drags him out, she realizes how much he means to her. Because of the way she is with him, and the twins, after the accident, Kyle begins to trust his feelings for her, thinking there must be a good reason for her not being a ‘proper mum’ to her children.
The twins go to Kyle’s to apologize for inadvertently causing his accident. They tell him their father is dead and their mum conducts an orchestra. Tiphanie is their aunt, the man Kyle thought they’d called Dad is actually Tad, Tiphanie’s twin and not her ex-husband, and Tristan is also Tiphanie’s brother.
While the twins are at Kyle’s, Howard turns up at the lighthouse. Tiphanie tells him to get lost. Later, Kyle phones Tiphanie; she thinks it’s Howard and starts talking the second she picks up the phone. Kyle learns she didn’t sleep with Howard, but her best friend did.
oh, the old ‘talking into the phone’ device.
The twins go home the next day; Tiphanie is staying until Tristan returns. Kyle, determined to straighten things out, goes to see her. They talk, agree to start afresh and begin to trust in their feelings for each other. Until Kyle’s ex-wife arrives. She is remarrying soon but doesn’t want Kyle to be happy. She goes to see Tiphanie and mentions the woman Kyle has always loved is now free to marry him. She says Kyle can’t wait to get back with Sophie. Tiphanie believes her and, hurt, says she is also going back to the only man she ever loved. Kyle’s ex-wife takes pleasure in telling this to Kyle.
Next time Kyle sees Tiphanie she is outside a hotel in the arms of a man. He thinks it’s the man his ex-wife told him about. Two days later, they unexpectedly meet at in the offices of a greetings cards publisher. The editor mentions Sophie to Kyle; they talk about Sophie’s forthcoming marriage. It’s obvious she isn’t marrying Kyle. Tiphanie realizes Kyle’s ex-wife lied. The editor wants Kyle and Tiphanie to work on an exciting project – creating verses, characters and maps for cards based on spoof science fiction novels by a reclusive author.
and yes, here are the aliens arriving in chapter 14.
Tiphanie discovers the mystery author is her father; he doesn’t anyone to know he writes the sci-fi because he’s known as a literary writer. He makes Tiphanie promise to keep his real name (and thus their relationship) secret. When Kyle sees him, he recognizes him as the man he saw Tiphanie with outside the hotel. Kyle infers Tiphanie has used her ‘Sugar Daddy’ to get work. Tiphanie makes her father tell Kyle the truth.
Eventually, Kyle and Tiphanie realize they belong together. Kyle asks Tiphanie to marry him and says he hopes all their children will be twins, and that the girls will look like her.
Tiphanie replies: ‘As long they don’t have names beginning with ‘T’, or pets with a name that can be shortened to Mum.’
You may have a lighthearted and fun novel here but this synopsis is soggy pudding. You’ve confined yourself to a recitation of events and given us very little glimpse of character and voice. You’ll need to show us what makes the usual elements of a romantic comedy fresh and new in your hands.
And mysterious reclusive fathers who don’t want to be outed as SF writers cause of their “literary careers” ...well, Stephen King makes boatloads of money, regularly leads the best seller lists AND got recognition from the National Book Foundation for his contribution to writing so her dad sounds like a twit.
And why the hell is her name spelled Tiphanie?
Genre: Rom-Com
When Tiphanie arrives at Lanleigh to hold a week of workshops on cartooning, her boyfriend, Howard, tries to persuade her to share his room. A dark, piratical-looking man alerts them to his presence. Tiphanie has a heated exchange with him. She calls him ‘Mr Sarky’ (short for sarcastic) and is glad when he says his cartography workshops have finished and he’s leaving.
Tiphanie and Howard argue when she tells him she’s looking after her niece and nephew (twins) and cat-sitting for her brother, so can’t go on holiday with him. On the last morning at Lanleigh, Tiphanie finds her best friend naked in Howard’s suite. She chucks champagne ice over Howard in his after sex sleep. Returning to her room, Tiphanie collides with ‘Mr Sarky’ who has come to collect something. He obviously thinks she spent the night with Howard. Later, he sees her drive away with a man. (It’s a dummy escort; an unpleasant incident three years back has made her nervous of being alone in the car).
Next day at her brother’s converted lighthouse, Tristan (who?) is trying to unjam the zip in Tiphanie’s jeans when ‘Mr Sarky’ walks in. He leaves thinking Tiphanie flits from man to man…like his ex-wife. Tristan tells Tiphanie the man is Kyle Cooper who lives the other side of the river.
The twins arrive and Tristan leaves. Tiphanie plays noisily with the twins. Kyle comes to complain; a cushion lands on him and bursts. He is furious. Tiphanie implies she’s lived with two men who use “artistic temperament” to excuse bad temper. Something the twins say make Kyle think Tiphanie is their mother, but won’t allow them to call her Mum. (One of the cats used to be called Chrysanthemum or Mum but must, acting on advice from a cat therapist, now be called Crystal). Kyle tells himself he can’t possibly feel anything but contempt for this woman who, as well as everything else, denies her own children.
Tiphanie watches Kyle stride away across the bridge and can’t believe she’s attracted to him. (yea, me either) One of the cats gets stuck up a tree. Tiphanie, wearing only a short nightshirt, climbs up to get it and has a terrifying experience with a stray dog. Kyle comes to the rescue. Tiphanie is very shaken. Kyle tells her he’ll watch the twins while she has a lie down. When she wakes he tells Tiphanie an accident left him with vertigo and ever since he’s suffered from acrophobia. Because he couldn’t overcome his fear, he gave up his career as a psychologist and became a cartographer and wordsmith.
that makes no sense at all to me. Fear of heights made him give up being a psychologist?
Back at home, Kyle regrets telling her anything. In spite of having seen a softer side to her, he still doesn’t like the way (he thinks) she behaves towards her children. The twins told him how they live with their grandmother so their mum can follow her career.
The twins make a scarecrow and dress it in their clothes. They abandon it near the river; it falls in face down. Kyle sees it and thinks it’s one of the twins. He jumps in and gets into difficulties. As Tiphanie drags him out, she realizes how much he means to her. Because of the way she is with him, and the twins, after the accident, Kyle begins to trust his feelings for her, thinking there must be a good reason for her not being a ‘proper mum’ to her children.
The twins go to Kyle’s to apologize for inadvertently causing his accident. They tell him their father is dead and their mum conducts an orchestra. Tiphanie is their aunt, the man Kyle thought they’d called Dad is actually Tad, Tiphanie’s twin and not her ex-husband, and Tristan is also Tiphanie’s brother.
While the twins are at Kyle’s, Howard turns up at the lighthouse. Tiphanie tells him to get lost. Later, Kyle phones Tiphanie; she thinks it’s Howard and starts talking the second she picks up the phone. Kyle learns she didn’t sleep with Howard, but her best friend did.
oh, the old ‘talking into the phone’ device.
The twins go home the next day; Tiphanie is staying until Tristan returns. Kyle, determined to straighten things out, goes to see her. They talk, agree to start afresh and begin to trust in their feelings for each other. Until Kyle’s ex-wife arrives. She is remarrying soon but doesn’t want Kyle to be happy. She goes to see Tiphanie and mentions the woman Kyle has always loved is now free to marry him. She says Kyle can’t wait to get back with Sophie. Tiphanie believes her and, hurt, says she is also going back to the only man she ever loved. Kyle’s ex-wife takes pleasure in telling this to Kyle.
Next time Kyle sees Tiphanie she is outside a hotel in the arms of a man. He thinks it’s the man his ex-wife told him about. Two days later, they unexpectedly meet at in the offices of a greetings cards publisher. The editor mentions Sophie to Kyle; they talk about Sophie’s forthcoming marriage. It’s obvious she isn’t marrying Kyle. Tiphanie realizes Kyle’s ex-wife lied. The editor wants Kyle and Tiphanie to work on an exciting project – creating verses, characters and maps for cards based on spoof science fiction novels by a reclusive author.
and yes, here are the aliens arriving in chapter 14.
Tiphanie discovers the mystery author is her father; he doesn’t anyone to know he writes the sci-fi because he’s known as a literary writer. He makes Tiphanie promise to keep his real name (and thus their relationship) secret. When Kyle sees him, he recognizes him as the man he saw Tiphanie with outside the hotel. Kyle infers Tiphanie has used her ‘Sugar Daddy’ to get work. Tiphanie makes her father tell Kyle the truth.
Eventually, Kyle and Tiphanie realize they belong together. Kyle asks Tiphanie to marry him and says he hopes all their children will be twins, and that the girls will look like her.
Tiphanie replies: ‘As long they don’t have names beginning with ‘T’, or pets with a name that can be shortened to Mum.’
You may have a lighthearted and fun novel here but this synopsis is soggy pudding. You’ve confined yourself to a recitation of events and given us very little glimpse of character and voice. You’ll need to show us what makes the usual elements of a romantic comedy fresh and new in your hands.
And mysterious reclusive fathers who don’t want to be outed as SF writers cause of their “literary careers” ...well, Stephen King makes boatloads of money, regularly leads the best seller lists AND got recognition from the National Book Foundation for his contribution to writing so her dad sounds like a twit.
And why the hell is her name spelled Tiphanie?
#27 Crapometer
GENRE: Women’s Fiction/Fantasy
Do you want to contact somebody first?
Leave someone a letter?
No, Donna decides, remembering the Joni Mitchell song from her youth, she won’t contact anybody. She will save her daughter alone. She will make amends for the terrible example of her own loveless marriage, an example her daughter is about to follow. And since only twelve hours remain until her daughter’s wedding, she must make amends by magic.
The magic is not Donna’s idea. Donna's idea is simply reckless--take the train into New York and hit the fancier bars. Her hairdresser, Rodney, forbids such a colossal stupidity. He produces a magic garter that through the ages has supposedly preserved women from harm--or so he claims. “You’re armed and dangerous, Miss Priss,” says Rodney, perfuming Donna's pulse points. “Buy high-priced tickets. Stay in the best hotels. Above all, be steadfast, be brave, and be vocal.”
Donna will need her courage. Arrayed against her are the forces of purse-lipped suburban propriety, personified in Gloria, fat-cheeked and nail-bitten, who now confronts Donna at the bus stop. Going into town the night before the wedding? How very odd! Gloria has always thought Donna the poster girl for perfect suburban happiness. Donna’s perfect husband, Rupert, even paid for Donna’s perfect orthodonture.
Donna, meanwhile, carefully follows Rodney’s instructions. She gets a first-class Amtrak seat, angling her legs to attract. And attract she does. A kid, she thinks. It is so, but one at least of age: Jeffrey, an out-of-work actor on his way to a Manhattan cattle-call audition. Donna does not commute regularly, and when the train squeals to a halt beneath the Hudson, Jeffrey’s perfect Humphrey Bogart impressions calm her. At Penn Station, he leaves his card.
Meanwhile, at a party back in the suburbs, Gloria sees Rupert’s law partner, a thick, unappetizing man who has long made thick, unappetizing remarks about Donna. When Gloria suggests to him that Donna is having an affair, he calls his partner, Rupert, who as usual is working late in Manhattan. The chase is on.
At Penn Station, Donna foolishly takes a dimly lit pedestrian tunnel. Elegantly coifed, taking exaggerated care with her purse, she abruptly finds herself behind a flight of urine-smelling tile steps, her arms pinned beneath the knees of gritty sweatpants, being forced at knifepoint to give up her cash and wallet to the hoarse and increasingly sexual whisper above her--That all you got, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch--when she manages to reach the garter and dangle it in the monster’s face. Her attacker collapses. Donna is, indeed, beyond harm, and she realizes at that moment she has spent her marriage in a state of physical intimidation.
Armed with the serenity of physical courage, Donna confronts her trials: The perfect logic of The Man With No Imagination Whatever, who offers her security in exchange for feeling; the closing vice (I bet you mean vise) of guilt as she meets and romances Jeffrey; and, at an end-of-season party for the Rothschild Ballet, philanthropist Harrison Boyd Bucknell, whose wealth long ago precluded him from being loved “for myself. It is just as my mother warned me."
Insulted when Donna rejects him for Jeffrey, Bucknell has the couple kidnapped, Mafia style. He offers Jeffrey a stellar acting career in exchange for Donna. “All is power,” Bucknell says. "It's impersonal, but it's all we have." “No,” says Jeffrey, “all is vanity. That is as personal as you like. Allow me to demonstrate." They return to the party where, with Jeffrey's encouragement, Bucknell courts and wins one of the dancers. His mother's spell broken, Bucknell becomes the couples’ ally.
The couple needs him. Rupert is stalking the catered steam tables, a coyote among swans, navigating by Gloria’s phoned-in detective work. All in vain: Far above, in the hotel's bridal suite, Donna and Jeffrey are consummating the first part of Donna’s quest. Rupert rages. He paid for all that orthodonture! The orthodonture, of course, is replacement work. Rupert has beaten his wife, occasioning the expense.
Gloria, still west of the Hudson, always suspected as much, but she does not care. Is not marriage sacred? Rupert now confirms her worst suspicions about Donna, and as the sun rises on the day of the wedding, Gloria climbs into her aging SUV to meet Rupert. They may not be able to find Donna now, but they will find her at the wedding, and there they will vindicate all that is true, just and right.
The wedding party assembles on a great sunlit Westchester lawn. The groom, rodent-eyed and seething (much like Rupert) impatiently awaits his due. The band plays. The guests dance. Gloria and Rupert arrive. A modern-day coach-and-six arrives--only a Harrison Boyd Bucknell could afford such an automobile--and the crowd falls silent. Such a conveyance can only transport royalty.
And so it does. Donna steps forth, queenly, radiant, transcendent. She has left Jeffrey behind, so as not to hurt her children. She asks her daughter to reconsider. “There is better,” she says. Gloria rises, points, exposes Donna’s affair; the crowd gasps as Donna reveals Rupert’s brutality. Donna pleads with her daughter: “We can choose from courage," she says, "instead of settling from fear.” The bride, staring wide-eyed at Rupert, gently puts down her bouquet.
A melee. In the confusion, Donna confronts her husband, alone, and demands a divorce. She does not touch the garter. Rupert can only spit limp legalities. Rupert and Gloria slink away; Donna and daughter embrace; Jeffrey appears; and as Donna and Jeffrey glide away in the modern-day coach-and-six, to live happily ever after, Rodney calls and requests the garter be kept safe.
This is a pretty fair synopsis. The writing is as over fluffed as a meringue, but there’s a market for that.
You can cut about half the word count and still give us a pretty good idea of the novel. When synopsis are over stuffed like this, I always think the novel is going to be over written as well. There’s a lot to be said for putting a synopsis in the crisper-upper before sending it out.
This is women’s fiction not fantasy. You shelve this in fantasy and the dragon lovers are going to be very very unhappy. Even though it has magical elements, magic is only a device. Calling this fantasy is like calling The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants a fantasy.
Do you want to contact somebody first?
Leave someone a letter?
No, Donna decides, remembering the Joni Mitchell song from her youth, she won’t contact anybody. She will save her daughter alone. She will make amends for the terrible example of her own loveless marriage, an example her daughter is about to follow. And since only twelve hours remain until her daughter’s wedding, she must make amends by magic.
The magic is not Donna’s idea. Donna's idea is simply reckless--take the train into New York and hit the fancier bars. Her hairdresser, Rodney, forbids such a colossal stupidity. He produces a magic garter that through the ages has supposedly preserved women from harm--or so he claims. “You’re armed and dangerous, Miss Priss,” says Rodney, perfuming Donna's pulse points. “Buy high-priced tickets. Stay in the best hotels. Above all, be steadfast, be brave, and be vocal.”
Donna will need her courage. Arrayed against her are the forces of purse-lipped suburban propriety, personified in Gloria, fat-cheeked and nail-bitten, who now confronts Donna at the bus stop. Going into town the night before the wedding? How very odd! Gloria has always thought Donna the poster girl for perfect suburban happiness. Donna’s perfect husband, Rupert, even paid for Donna’s perfect orthodonture.
Donna, meanwhile, carefully follows Rodney’s instructions. She gets a first-class Amtrak seat, angling her legs to attract. And attract she does. A kid, she thinks. It is so, but one at least of age: Jeffrey, an out-of-work actor on his way to a Manhattan cattle-call audition. Donna does not commute regularly, and when the train squeals to a halt beneath the Hudson, Jeffrey’s perfect Humphrey Bogart impressions calm her. At Penn Station, he leaves his card.
Meanwhile, at a party back in the suburbs, Gloria sees Rupert’s law partner, a thick, unappetizing man who has long made thick, unappetizing remarks about Donna. When Gloria suggests to him that Donna is having an affair, he calls his partner, Rupert, who as usual is working late in Manhattan. The chase is on.
At Penn Station, Donna foolishly takes a dimly lit pedestrian tunnel. Elegantly coifed, taking exaggerated care with her purse, she abruptly finds herself behind a flight of urine-smelling tile steps, her arms pinned beneath the knees of gritty sweatpants, being forced at knifepoint to give up her cash and wallet to the hoarse and increasingly sexual whisper above her--That all you got, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch--when she manages to reach the garter and dangle it in the monster’s face. Her attacker collapses. Donna is, indeed, beyond harm, and she realizes at that moment she has spent her marriage in a state of physical intimidation.
Armed with the serenity of physical courage, Donna confronts her trials: The perfect logic of The Man With No Imagination Whatever, who offers her security in exchange for feeling; the closing vice (I bet you mean vise) of guilt as she meets and romances Jeffrey; and, at an end-of-season party for the Rothschild Ballet, philanthropist Harrison Boyd Bucknell, whose wealth long ago precluded him from being loved “for myself. It is just as my mother warned me."
Insulted when Donna rejects him for Jeffrey, Bucknell has the couple kidnapped, Mafia style. He offers Jeffrey a stellar acting career in exchange for Donna. “All is power,” Bucknell says. "It's impersonal, but it's all we have." “No,” says Jeffrey, “all is vanity. That is as personal as you like. Allow me to demonstrate." They return to the party where, with Jeffrey's encouragement, Bucknell courts and wins one of the dancers. His mother's spell broken, Bucknell becomes the couples’ ally.
The couple needs him. Rupert is stalking the catered steam tables, a coyote among swans, navigating by Gloria’s phoned-in detective work. All in vain: Far above, in the hotel's bridal suite, Donna and Jeffrey are consummating the first part of Donna’s quest. Rupert rages. He paid for all that orthodonture! The orthodonture, of course, is replacement work. Rupert has beaten his wife, occasioning the expense.
Gloria, still west of the Hudson, always suspected as much, but she does not care. Is not marriage sacred? Rupert now confirms her worst suspicions about Donna, and as the sun rises on the day of the wedding, Gloria climbs into her aging SUV to meet Rupert. They may not be able to find Donna now, but they will find her at the wedding, and there they will vindicate all that is true, just and right.
The wedding party assembles on a great sunlit Westchester lawn. The groom, rodent-eyed and seething (much like Rupert) impatiently awaits his due. The band plays. The guests dance. Gloria and Rupert arrive. A modern-day coach-and-six arrives--only a Harrison Boyd Bucknell could afford such an automobile--and the crowd falls silent. Such a conveyance can only transport royalty.
And so it does. Donna steps forth, queenly, radiant, transcendent. She has left Jeffrey behind, so as not to hurt her children. She asks her daughter to reconsider. “There is better,” she says. Gloria rises, points, exposes Donna’s affair; the crowd gasps as Donna reveals Rupert’s brutality. Donna pleads with her daughter: “We can choose from courage," she says, "instead of settling from fear.” The bride, staring wide-eyed at Rupert, gently puts down her bouquet.
A melee. In the confusion, Donna confronts her husband, alone, and demands a divorce. She does not touch the garter. Rupert can only spit limp legalities. Rupert and Gloria slink away; Donna and daughter embrace; Jeffrey appears; and as Donna and Jeffrey glide away in the modern-day coach-and-six, to live happily ever after, Rodney calls and requests the garter be kept safe.
This is a pretty fair synopsis. The writing is as over fluffed as a meringue, but there’s a market for that.
You can cut about half the word count and still give us a pretty good idea of the novel. When synopsis are over stuffed like this, I always think the novel is going to be over written as well. There’s a lot to be said for putting a synopsis in the crisper-upper before sending it out.
This is women’s fiction not fantasy. You shelve this in fantasy and the dragon lovers are going to be very very unhappy. Even though it has magical elements, magic is only a device. Calling this fantasy is like calling The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants a fantasy.
#26 Crapometer
Crime fiction
THE AXE FALLS THUS
Emily thinks her day has hit rock bottom when she is fired from her long-time job at American Pharmaceuticals. Then two FBI agents arrive at her front door. Then someone shoots them dead.
While running from the killer and hiding from the police, Emily cuts through company rhetoric to unravel a mystery of tampered ethics and illegal narcotics.
After she learns that American Pharmaceuticals has been torched and the principals murdered, Emily realizes she has to take matters in her own hands if she is ever going to regain her life. She contacts a police officer central to the official investigation and together they set a trap for the killer using Emily as bait.
When things go horribly wrong, Emily ends the unforeseen chase at the public gardens by laying out the killer with a brick.
Her self-confidence regained, Emily finally seeks closure with her ex-husband in order to open the door to a new romance with a now ex-coworker.
Well, aliens don’t arrive, that’s a good thing.
Other than that of course, by now, after reading the other synopsis posted you can see what’s wrong here. We need more about Emily and what makes her interesting to us. We need to know a LOT more about the plot.
A synopsis needs to entice an agent to read more. This doesn’t. This screams “you said I needed a synopsis so here’s one, now quit badgering me.”
There’s no such thing as “tampered ethics”.
THE AXE FALLS THUS
Emily thinks her day has hit rock bottom when she is fired from her long-time job at American Pharmaceuticals. Then two FBI agents arrive at her front door. Then someone shoots them dead.
While running from the killer and hiding from the police, Emily cuts through company rhetoric to unravel a mystery of tampered ethics and illegal narcotics.
After she learns that American Pharmaceuticals has been torched and the principals murdered, Emily realizes she has to take matters in her own hands if she is ever going to regain her life. She contacts a police officer central to the official investigation and together they set a trap for the killer using Emily as bait.
When things go horribly wrong, Emily ends the unforeseen chase at the public gardens by laying out the killer with a brick.
Her self-confidence regained, Emily finally seeks closure with her ex-husband in order to open the door to a new romance with a now ex-coworker.
Well, aliens don’t arrive, that’s a good thing.
Other than that of course, by now, after reading the other synopsis posted you can see what’s wrong here. We need more about Emily and what makes her interesting to us. We need to know a LOT more about the plot.
A synopsis needs to entice an agent to read more. This doesn’t. This screams “you said I needed a synopsis so here’s one, now quit badgering me.”
There’s no such thing as “tampered ethics”.
#25 Crapometer
Free Shot
Mystery-Humor
Jay Maloney put off college to stay home and care for his Guinness-swilling grandfather, Grandpa Shame, a proud veteran of WWII. His reward? Getting stuck in a soul-sucking job stocking hemorrhoid creams and panty liners during the night shift at the local grocery.
Ok, right here you lose me. The idea that panty liners and hemorrhoid creams are de facto funny is teen boy humor. Miss Snark is not a teen boy, nor is 95% of the mystery buying public.
One night, Jay's best friend, Fat Murph, alerts him to a hot female shopper checking out condoms. When Jay finds out it is Angie back home on a break from school with her new boyfriend, he flips out and lets her steal all the condoms she can carry.
Grandpa Shame is furious when he finds out Jay got fired. Drunk from a night of card playing, he bestows upon his grandson three hard-learned lessons: 1. Don't show weakness to the enemy, 2. Always expect the worst, and 3. Never pass an opportunity to take a free shot against an aggressive opponent.
The next day, Jay and Fat Murph respond to a help wanted sign outside a pizza restaurant in need of a pair of delivery drivers. They're hired but only have Grandpa Shame's gas-guzzling '74 Cadillac Eldorado to do the job.
An odd delivery to a Volkswagen fan club party introduces Jay to the alluring Cat Kerwin, the club's eerie leader Kirk Godard, and Kirk's mysterious helper Gil Becker. Gil tells Jay that the club is eager to grow. To publicize, he offers Jay a free loan on a Beetle, so long as he drives the car adorned with club ads to all his deliveries.
Jay agrees. The fan club grows, and along the way, Jay falls in love with Cat. After slipping out with Cat from a fan club meeting, a cop pulls him over for driving a stolen vehicle, the Beetle. Cat somehow gets the cop to let them go, causing Jay to suspect something's not quite right with both the free Beetle and his new girlfriend.
After Grandpa Shame catches Jay in the back of his Cadillac fooling around with Cat, he orders Jay to take the car to the wash. There he sees Gil swipe an orange Beetle. Furious that he was duped into driving a stolen car, Jay chases the orange Beetle through town until he is cutoff by a black Corvette driven by Cat.
Cat tells Jay not to call the cops on Gil. She is an investigative support employee for the FBI, and she doesn't want anything messed up before she is able to help her agent build the case. Jay agrees on the promise that he can join her on her next intelligence assignment.
They follow Gil into a cheap strip bar where they see him with Kirk talking to someone neither knows. Once Gil and Kirk leave, Cat goes way undercover as a dancer to attract his attention. She learns he is a sales rep who has sold three underground storm shelters to Kirk.
cliche, cliche, cliche. Undercover in a strip bar is so hackneyed even Demi Moore couldn't get it to generate box office interest.
Gil disappears, and Kirk dates Angie, a new member to the fan club. Angry, Jay goes to confront Kirk, but he can't find him. At Kirk's property where he houses landscaping resources, he uncovers one of the shelters. Inside is Gil's rotting dead body. He also finds a trove of Nazi Germany paraphernalia. Kirk discovers Jay and locks him in the bunker, then leaves to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting auto show crowd in Dallas.
right here is where the plot stops making sense. Wreak havoc on an unsuspecting auto show crowd? Wtf?
Cat, who had been trailing Kirk until he left, frees Jay from the bunker. With Gil dead, she finally reveals that Gil was a retired CIA operative chasing Kirk as a hobby. To help explain why Gil would bother, Cat reads a letter she finds inside the shelter from Adolph Hitler implying that Kirk might be related to Hitler's secret bastard son.
a letter explaining it all. please. That devices signals weak plot faster than anything except "and then Bob realized he was truly a woman" or dreaming the solution to the crime.
Cat and Jay rush downtown, but not before they see a group of Beetles, armed with bombs composed of Kirk's fertilizer and fuel, detonated to bring down Reunion Tower, a Dallas skyline landmark. Kirk almost runs them over speeding away. Cat is ordered by her special agent to remain in place, but Jay, remembering Shame's rules, is unwilling to stay put.
cause of course, if you like Volkswagens, you're a mad bomber? This stopped making sense two paragraphs ago.
Jay chases Kirk in his Cadillac to the Cotton Bowl stadium where he sees Angie greeting Kirk, unaware she arrived in a bomb-loaded Beetle. Another fan club member secretly in love with Kirk waits to whisk them away in a helicopter, but she freaks when she sees Angie and detonates her car. Jay saves Angie from the explosion as Kirk barely escapes in time. Angie and Jay kiss, but Jay stops to say he's found another. Much to the delight of Grandpa Shame, Jay's also found his life's true calling, a job with the FBI.
This is a mess. Yes, it's very very hard to convey humor in a synopsis but humor aside, this synopsis screams "this plot doesn't begin to work". Even Carl Hiassen's plots hold together if you strip out the humor.
One of the benefits of writing a synopsis was mentioned earlier: if you can't write one that shows a coherent plot, the problem might be the book doesn't have one, not that you can't write a good synopsis.
Mystery-Humor
Jay Maloney put off college to stay home and care for his Guinness-swilling grandfather, Grandpa Shame, a proud veteran of WWII. His reward? Getting stuck in a soul-sucking job stocking hemorrhoid creams and panty liners during the night shift at the local grocery.
Ok, right here you lose me. The idea that panty liners and hemorrhoid creams are de facto funny is teen boy humor. Miss Snark is not a teen boy, nor is 95% of the mystery buying public.
One night, Jay's best friend, Fat Murph, alerts him to a hot female shopper checking out condoms. When Jay finds out it is Angie back home on a break from school with her new boyfriend, he flips out and lets her steal all the condoms she can carry.
Grandpa Shame is furious when he finds out Jay got fired. Drunk from a night of card playing, he bestows upon his grandson three hard-learned lessons: 1. Don't show weakness to the enemy, 2. Always expect the worst, and 3. Never pass an opportunity to take a free shot against an aggressive opponent.
The next day, Jay and Fat Murph respond to a help wanted sign outside a pizza restaurant in need of a pair of delivery drivers. They're hired but only have Grandpa Shame's gas-guzzling '74 Cadillac Eldorado to do the job.
An odd delivery to a Volkswagen fan club party introduces Jay to the alluring Cat Kerwin, the club's eerie leader Kirk Godard, and Kirk's mysterious helper Gil Becker. Gil tells Jay that the club is eager to grow. To publicize, he offers Jay a free loan on a Beetle, so long as he drives the car adorned with club ads to all his deliveries.
Jay agrees. The fan club grows, and along the way, Jay falls in love with Cat. After slipping out with Cat from a fan club meeting, a cop pulls him over for driving a stolen vehicle, the Beetle. Cat somehow gets the cop to let them go, causing Jay to suspect something's not quite right with both the free Beetle and his new girlfriend.
After Grandpa Shame catches Jay in the back of his Cadillac fooling around with Cat, he orders Jay to take the car to the wash. There he sees Gil swipe an orange Beetle. Furious that he was duped into driving a stolen car, Jay chases the orange Beetle through town until he is cutoff by a black Corvette driven by Cat.
Cat tells Jay not to call the cops on Gil. She is an investigative support employee for the FBI, and she doesn't want anything messed up before she is able to help her agent build the case. Jay agrees on the promise that he can join her on her next intelligence assignment.
They follow Gil into a cheap strip bar where they see him with Kirk talking to someone neither knows. Once Gil and Kirk leave, Cat goes way undercover as a dancer to attract his attention. She learns he is a sales rep who has sold three underground storm shelters to Kirk.
cliche, cliche, cliche. Undercover in a strip bar is so hackneyed even Demi Moore couldn't get it to generate box office interest.
Gil disappears, and Kirk dates Angie, a new member to the fan club. Angry, Jay goes to confront Kirk, but he can't find him. At Kirk's property where he houses landscaping resources, he uncovers one of the shelters. Inside is Gil's rotting dead body. He also finds a trove of Nazi Germany paraphernalia. Kirk discovers Jay and locks him in the bunker, then leaves to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting auto show crowd in Dallas.
right here is where the plot stops making sense. Wreak havoc on an unsuspecting auto show crowd? Wtf?
Cat, who had been trailing Kirk until he left, frees Jay from the bunker. With Gil dead, she finally reveals that Gil was a retired CIA operative chasing Kirk as a hobby. To help explain why Gil would bother, Cat reads a letter she finds inside the shelter from Adolph Hitler implying that Kirk might be related to Hitler's secret bastard son.
a letter explaining it all. please. That devices signals weak plot faster than anything except "and then Bob realized he was truly a woman" or dreaming the solution to the crime.
Cat and Jay rush downtown, but not before they see a group of Beetles, armed with bombs composed of Kirk's fertilizer and fuel, detonated to bring down Reunion Tower, a Dallas skyline landmark. Kirk almost runs them over speeding away. Cat is ordered by her special agent to remain in place, but Jay, remembering Shame's rules, is unwilling to stay put.
cause of course, if you like Volkswagens, you're a mad bomber? This stopped making sense two paragraphs ago.
Jay chases Kirk in his Cadillac to the Cotton Bowl stadium where he sees Angie greeting Kirk, unaware she arrived in a bomb-loaded Beetle. Another fan club member secretly in love with Kirk waits to whisk them away in a helicopter, but she freaks when she sees Angie and detonates her car. Jay saves Angie from the explosion as Kirk barely escapes in time. Angie and Jay kiss, but Jay stops to say he's found another. Much to the delight of Grandpa Shame, Jay's also found his life's true calling, a job with the FBI.
This is a mess. Yes, it's very very hard to convey humor in a synopsis but humor aside, this synopsis screams "this plot doesn't begin to work". Even Carl Hiassen's plots hold together if you strip out the humor.
One of the benefits of writing a synopsis was mentioned earlier: if you can't write one that shows a coherent plot, the problem might be the book doesn't have one, not that you can't write a good synopsis.
#24 Crapometer
Thriller
Synopsis of FAT CHANCE
When hit men start gunning for her, an accountant who reinvented herself to escape a painful past is forced to turn over every stone-new and old (cliche alert)-to discover who wants her dead and why.
Nexi Ketts is gorgeous and has a multi-million dollar trust fund to boot. With a Harvard degree, a consulting gig as a forensic accountant and lovers up the yin-yang, the twenty-nine-year-old appears to enjoy a storybook existence. (cartoon characters masquerading as characters in a novel alert)
So what if she's obsessed with finding the parents who absconded with a fortune and vanished when she was a troubled teen? Who cares if uptight matrons call her a slut? And what's wrong with her near religious devotion to Weight Watchers? Weekly meetings help her stay half the woman she once was.
Nexi thinks she's coping nicely with what life has dished up until a hired killer, posing as a cop, seduces her and tries to murder her. She preempts him, drives a screwdriver into his gut and flees naked, causing a fender bender outside her Atlanta townhouse. By the time police arrive, the only signs of her assailant are a fake badge, a bullet-shattered doorjamb and a trail of blood.
Detective Barry Gerton discovers the FBI has a file on Nexi, who adopted a new name-an anagram for "sex kitten"-as a joke when she tipped the scales at two hundred and fifty pounds.
The tabloids went wild when her celebrity parents-financial mogul Steve Farrell and Hollywood starlet Linda Dahl-disappeared fifteen years before. Authorities mercilessly grilled the rotund left-behind daughter. They tapped her phone and hacked her computer, figuring Mom or Pop would call sooner or later. Later never came.
Thanks to a generation-skipping trust, the orphan wasn't left penniless. Now a shrewd accountant, she works with a private investigative firm to nail corporate cheats like dear old Dad. The svelte CPA, a "results not typical" poster child for weight loss, has been urged by some friends to join another self-help group-Sexaholics. In response she quotes Alfred Kinsey: "A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you."
Deep down, Nexi knows that sex is a defective glue for romantic liaisons. She just doesn't know how else to relate to men. Co-ed friendships weren't part of the curriculum for a fat kid incarcerated her entire youth in all-girl academies.
The initial attack on Nexi seems a case of bad karma. Barry figures some deviant was drawn by her blazing sexuality. Certainly her curvy body and feisty spirit crank his motor. But after Barry learns of her assailant's painstaking research, he suspects a professional hit.
The picture gets more jumbled when a stranger sics a killer pit bull on Nexi. Timely intervention by a German shepherd and his owner save her from the beast's formidable jaws. Next she eludes hit man number one in a kamikaze run to a police station when he stakes out her Weight Watchers' meeting.
Nexi's baffled: Who wants her dead? Since there are no greedy heirs, she focuses on two crooks she helped to nail and a rejected lover turned stalker. As these possibilities dead end, a frightened Nexi seeks comfort in Barry's arms. Yet, while she's perfectly willing to sleep with the detective, she stonewalls him as he begins to probe her affairs.
Barry learns Nexi's been investigating her parents' disappearance with help from an ex-CIA colleague, who believes the runaway mom is hiding in Jamaica under the protection of a drug lord. Barry thinks there's a link between the attempts on Nexi's life and her investigation. She scoffs at the notion. When Nexi flies to Kingsport, Barry follows.
In Jamaica, after a man promises to lead Nexi to her mother, she takes a river raft trip to a remote mountain site. It's a setup for murder. But her attacker's machete proves no match for her gun. When Barry literally helps her bury the body, he gains her trust.
Barry uncovers evidence that Nexi's mother, Linda, may have murdered Nexi's father. Still she refuses to believe her mother is trying to kill her.
Linda, who's been living in isolated splendor, yearns for adulation and figures a new husband, dimmed memories and plastic surgery will permit her triumphant return to society. The actress seduces a wealthy-but toad-like-blueblood. She has no illusion that marrying this amphibian will turn him into Prince Charming. She doesn't care. After her reentry into
society, the toad will be road kill. The only thing standing between her and a bright future is the brat she birthed-Nexi.
really? why? The plot which up till now has been over the top but logical, goes splat here.
By the time Nexi and Barry piece together the offshore puzzle, Linda and her fiancé have flown to Hilton Head where the black widow is planning her nuptials and a deadly mother-daughter reunion.
Nexi is preparing to swim in a beach house pool when the pissed-off hired gun who started it all accidentally announces his arrival. Nexi finds caustic chemicals in the pool house and blinds him. Still he's able to drag her into the deep end. However, blindness, street clothes and an unhealed wound give Nexi an upper hand. She pins the killer underwater with a skimmer until he drowns.
Linda contacts Nexi and invites her daughter aboard her fiancé's yacht. Once they've sailed into Calibogue Sound, Linda drops her conciliatory pretense and attacks. Struck in the head with a boom, Nexi falls overboard. Linda figures she's dead and proceeds with wedding plans.
Nexi, rescued by Barry, waits for her mother's walk down the aisle to extract revenge, unmasking her when the minister makes the ritual call to "speak now." Linda goes berserk. Nexi emerges victorious in a free-for-all catfight under the wedding arch. The media can't get enough of the wicked-witch story. So, after a fashion, Linda gets what she wanted. She
regains center stage although she's playing to the audience from jail.
Once Nexi and Barry escape reporters, the cop asks her to consider one last name change. She accepts with a stipulation-no Jamaican honeymoon.
This is full of cliches. The characters, as described, are caricatures, not real. This may be a good book, but this synopsis makes it sound like knock off Mickey Spillane.
Synopsis of FAT CHANCE
When hit men start gunning for her, an accountant who reinvented herself to escape a painful past is forced to turn over every stone-new and old (cliche alert)-to discover who wants her dead and why.
Nexi Ketts is gorgeous and has a multi-million dollar trust fund to boot. With a Harvard degree, a consulting gig as a forensic accountant and lovers up the yin-yang, the twenty-nine-year-old appears to enjoy a storybook existence. (cartoon characters masquerading as characters in a novel alert)
So what if she's obsessed with finding the parents who absconded with a fortune and vanished when she was a troubled teen? Who cares if uptight matrons call her a slut? And what's wrong with her near religious devotion to Weight Watchers? Weekly meetings help her stay half the woman she once was.
Nexi thinks she's coping nicely with what life has dished up until a hired killer, posing as a cop, seduces her and tries to murder her. She preempts him, drives a screwdriver into his gut and flees naked, causing a fender bender outside her Atlanta townhouse. By the time police arrive, the only signs of her assailant are a fake badge, a bullet-shattered doorjamb and a trail of blood.
Detective Barry Gerton discovers the FBI has a file on Nexi, who adopted a new name-an anagram for "sex kitten"-as a joke when she tipped the scales at two hundred and fifty pounds.
The tabloids went wild when her celebrity parents-financial mogul Steve Farrell and Hollywood starlet Linda Dahl-disappeared fifteen years before. Authorities mercilessly grilled the rotund left-behind daughter. They tapped her phone and hacked her computer, figuring Mom or Pop would call sooner or later. Later never came.
Thanks to a generation-skipping trust, the orphan wasn't left penniless. Now a shrewd accountant, she works with a private investigative firm to nail corporate cheats like dear old Dad. The svelte CPA, a "results not typical" poster child for weight loss, has been urged by some friends to join another self-help group-Sexaholics. In response she quotes Alfred Kinsey: "A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you."
Deep down, Nexi knows that sex is a defective glue for romantic liaisons. She just doesn't know how else to relate to men. Co-ed friendships weren't part of the curriculum for a fat kid incarcerated her entire youth in all-girl academies.
The initial attack on Nexi seems a case of bad karma. Barry figures some deviant was drawn by her blazing sexuality. Certainly her curvy body and feisty spirit crank his motor. But after Barry learns of her assailant's painstaking research, he suspects a professional hit.
The picture gets more jumbled when a stranger sics a killer pit bull on Nexi. Timely intervention by a German shepherd and his owner save her from the beast's formidable jaws. Next she eludes hit man number one in a kamikaze run to a police station when he stakes out her Weight Watchers' meeting.
Nexi's baffled: Who wants her dead? Since there are no greedy heirs, she focuses on two crooks she helped to nail and a rejected lover turned stalker. As these possibilities dead end, a frightened Nexi seeks comfort in Barry's arms. Yet, while she's perfectly willing to sleep with the detective, she stonewalls him as he begins to probe her affairs.
Barry learns Nexi's been investigating her parents' disappearance with help from an ex-CIA colleague, who believes the runaway mom is hiding in Jamaica under the protection of a drug lord. Barry thinks there's a link between the attempts on Nexi's life and her investigation. She scoffs at the notion. When Nexi flies to Kingsport, Barry follows.
In Jamaica, after a man promises to lead Nexi to her mother, she takes a river raft trip to a remote mountain site. It's a setup for murder. But her attacker's machete proves no match for her gun. When Barry literally helps her bury the body, he gains her trust.
Barry uncovers evidence that Nexi's mother, Linda, may have murdered Nexi's father. Still she refuses to believe her mother is trying to kill her.
Linda, who's been living in isolated splendor, yearns for adulation and figures a new husband, dimmed memories and plastic surgery will permit her triumphant return to society. The actress seduces a wealthy-but toad-like-blueblood. She has no illusion that marrying this amphibian will turn him into Prince Charming. She doesn't care. After her reentry into
society, the toad will be road kill. The only thing standing between her and a bright future is the brat she birthed-Nexi.
really? why? The plot which up till now has been over the top but logical, goes splat here.
By the time Nexi and Barry piece together the offshore puzzle, Linda and her fiancé have flown to Hilton Head where the black widow is planning her nuptials and a deadly mother-daughter reunion.
Nexi is preparing to swim in a beach house pool when the pissed-off hired gun who started it all accidentally announces his arrival. Nexi finds caustic chemicals in the pool house and blinds him. Still he's able to drag her into the deep end. However, blindness, street clothes and an unhealed wound give Nexi an upper hand. She pins the killer underwater with a skimmer until he drowns.
Linda contacts Nexi and invites her daughter aboard her fiancé's yacht. Once they've sailed into Calibogue Sound, Linda drops her conciliatory pretense and attacks. Struck in the head with a boom, Nexi falls overboard. Linda figures she's dead and proceeds with wedding plans.
Nexi, rescued by Barry, waits for her mother's walk down the aisle to extract revenge, unmasking her when the minister makes the ritual call to "speak now." Linda goes berserk. Nexi emerges victorious in a free-for-all catfight under the wedding arch. The media can't get enough of the wicked-witch story. So, after a fashion, Linda gets what she wanted. She
regains center stage although she's playing to the audience from jail.
Once Nexi and Barry escape reporters, the cop asks her to consider one last name change. She accepts with a stipulation-no Jamaican honeymoon.
This is full of cliches. The characters, as described, are caricatures, not real. This may be a good book, but this synopsis makes it sound like knock off Mickey Spillane.
#23 Crapometer
Genre - Contemporary Women's fiction
THINGS TO DO is a contemporary romantic comedy set in London and moving to Spain. Emma Morgan, twenty-four-year old reluctant travel agent, has a life which feels more like Doris Day than Bridget Jones.
Emma has a problem trying to work out her relationship with Marco, the handsome Caribbean beach barman she married in haste and left in secret six month's earlier.
Rob, who works with Emma at the travel agency, has been her best friend since college. Emma thinks he's in love with her attractive and glamorous sister Fiona, who in turn is engaged to a Harley Street doctor.
Emma's troubles begin when she is coerced into working as a fairy waitress at a charity bachelor auction organized by Fiona, where Fiona's fiancé calls off their engagement, Rob's bunny-boiling ex-girlfriend successfully bids for a date on a yacht with him, and Emma's mother starts dating Emma's rather toad-like and tipsy boss.
Bunny-boiling ex girlfriend is just brilliant. This is the kind of imaginative description that makes me think there’s a damn good novel behind this synopsis.
That same night, Marco makes a dramatic reappearance in Emma's life, swearing he loves her and really wants their marriage to work. Swept up by his declarations, Emma agrees to give him another chance. However, it quickly becomes apparent even to the ever-trusting Emma that his furtive and unpredictable behavior suggests that he has some highly undesirable secrets. Has he followed her to England for love, citizenship, or something more sinister?
When Emma's other best friend Sara suggests that her partner might know about Marco's secrets - including his close friendship and connections with Everton, a local gangster - life ceases just being problematic for Emma and starts to become dangerous.
Emma is kept busy trying to help everyone else around her, including sorting out Sara's relationship woes when Sara becomes convinced her partner, the father of her baby, is having an affair.
Events move rapidly as Marco attempts to ingratiate himself into Emma's, life much to the concern of her friends. Emma's flat is burgled in mysterious circumstances at the same time as a local gangland shooting occurs. A pampered pooch belonging to Rob's ex-girlfriend is dognapped and Emma's sister Fiona gets revenge on her cheating fiancé by maxing out his credit cards and pawning her engagement ring.
Marco's involvement with an international drug cartel places Emma and her friends at risk as the drug barons try to find out where the double-crossing Marco has stashed the profits from the consignment of narcotics he was meant to be minding.
Emma's story moves on to a date worse than death when Rob and his ex-girlfriend spend their auction prize date on board a yacht moored in Puerto Banus, Spain - an unlikely setting for a Yardie gang master and a heroin shipment.
Fiona is in attendance as the official charity chaperone, and Marco convinces Emma they should go too and have a holiday to sort out their relationship. Emma is reluctant, but Rob's desperation at not being stranded in another country with the ex-girlfriend who's been stalking him for weeks changes her mind.
Emma's doubts about Marco's desire to make the marriage work are confirmed when she and Rob overhear a conversation which could have lethal consequences for them both. It also opens Emma's eyes to Rob's true feelings for her, and hers for him.
Back in England after the date, Marco disappears with his loot and a visit from Special Branch leads Emma to discover her marriage to Marco wasn't legal - Marco had forgotten to mention that he was already married, as well as being wanted in several other countries for a series of serious offenses committed under different names.
A second, more disturbing visit from Everton's associates who are equally keen to find Marco - places Emma in jeopardy. Only the direct intervention of Everton, who has a soft spot for Emma, saves her from harm.
Fiona's grand wedding to a new suitor at a stately country manor provides the backdrop as the Yardie gang attempt to recover their goods, which Marco has stashed in an unsuspecting Fiona's care. A rescue squad led by the unlikely forms of Emma's mother and Emma's boss come to the aid of Emma and her sister as Fiona's big day degenerates into chaos.
Throughout the story Emma attempts to keep control of the events around her with the aid of her lists of "Things to Do". Scatterbrained and disorganized, Emma lurches from one disaster to another, always firmly convinced she's in control of the situation.
Emma consistently fails to notice the things that are right under her nose, like Marco's lies and Rob's love for her. It's only when her life unravels at a rate of knots that Emma finally realizes that love and lust are two very different things, and although it's hard to tell them apart, the most dramatic few months of her life give her the gift of doing so.
Killer Yapp here: What happens to the victim of the dognapping?? Email me at once.
Miss Snark here: This is an excellent synopsis, one of the best I’ve ever seen. Notice that it not only tells what happens, you get a sense of the characters and the format when she mentions the Things To Do lists. It’s ok to tell not show in a synopsis (example: Emma consistently fails to notice) because I have every confidence after reading this that the novel will show not tell. I’d read this in a heartbeat.
THINGS TO DO is a contemporary romantic comedy set in London and moving to Spain. Emma Morgan, twenty-four-year old reluctant travel agent, has a life which feels more like Doris Day than Bridget Jones.
Emma has a problem trying to work out her relationship with Marco, the handsome Caribbean beach barman she married in haste and left in secret six month's earlier.
Rob, who works with Emma at the travel agency, has been her best friend since college. Emma thinks he's in love with her attractive and glamorous sister Fiona, who in turn is engaged to a Harley Street doctor.
Emma's troubles begin when she is coerced into working as a fairy waitress at a charity bachelor auction organized by Fiona, where Fiona's fiancé calls off their engagement, Rob's bunny-boiling ex-girlfriend successfully bids for a date on a yacht with him, and Emma's mother starts dating Emma's rather toad-like and tipsy boss.
Bunny-boiling ex girlfriend is just brilliant. This is the kind of imaginative description that makes me think there’s a damn good novel behind this synopsis.
That same night, Marco makes a dramatic reappearance in Emma's life, swearing he loves her and really wants their marriage to work. Swept up by his declarations, Emma agrees to give him another chance. However, it quickly becomes apparent even to the ever-trusting Emma that his furtive and unpredictable behavior suggests that he has some highly undesirable secrets. Has he followed her to England for love, citizenship, or something more sinister?
When Emma's other best friend Sara suggests that her partner might know about Marco's secrets - including his close friendship and connections with Everton, a local gangster - life ceases just being problematic for Emma and starts to become dangerous.
Emma is kept busy trying to help everyone else around her, including sorting out Sara's relationship woes when Sara becomes convinced her partner, the father of her baby, is having an affair.
Events move rapidly as Marco attempts to ingratiate himself into Emma's, life much to the concern of her friends. Emma's flat is burgled in mysterious circumstances at the same time as a local gangland shooting occurs. A pampered pooch belonging to Rob's ex-girlfriend is dognapped and Emma's sister Fiona gets revenge on her cheating fiancé by maxing out his credit cards and pawning her engagement ring.
Marco's involvement with an international drug cartel places Emma and her friends at risk as the drug barons try to find out where the double-crossing Marco has stashed the profits from the consignment of narcotics he was meant to be minding.
Emma's story moves on to a date worse than death when Rob and his ex-girlfriend spend their auction prize date on board a yacht moored in Puerto Banus, Spain - an unlikely setting for a Yardie gang master and a heroin shipment.
Fiona is in attendance as the official charity chaperone, and Marco convinces Emma they should go too and have a holiday to sort out their relationship. Emma is reluctant, but Rob's desperation at not being stranded in another country with the ex-girlfriend who's been stalking him for weeks changes her mind.
Emma's doubts about Marco's desire to make the marriage work are confirmed when she and Rob overhear a conversation which could have lethal consequences for them both. It also opens Emma's eyes to Rob's true feelings for her, and hers for him.
Back in England after the date, Marco disappears with his loot and a visit from Special Branch leads Emma to discover her marriage to Marco wasn't legal - Marco had forgotten to mention that he was already married, as well as being wanted in several other countries for a series of serious offenses committed under different names.
A second, more disturbing visit from Everton's associates who are equally keen to find Marco - places Emma in jeopardy. Only the direct intervention of Everton, who has a soft spot for Emma, saves her from harm.
Fiona's grand wedding to a new suitor at a stately country manor provides the backdrop as the Yardie gang attempt to recover their goods, which Marco has stashed in an unsuspecting Fiona's care. A rescue squad led by the unlikely forms of Emma's mother and Emma's boss come to the aid of Emma and her sister as Fiona's big day degenerates into chaos.
Throughout the story Emma attempts to keep control of the events around her with the aid of her lists of "Things to Do". Scatterbrained and disorganized, Emma lurches from one disaster to another, always firmly convinced she's in control of the situation.
Emma consistently fails to notice the things that are right under her nose, like Marco's lies and Rob's love for her. It's only when her life unravels at a rate of knots that Emma finally realizes that love and lust are two very different things, and although it's hard to tell them apart, the most dramatic few months of her life give her the gift of doing so.
Killer Yapp here: What happens to the victim of the dognapping?? Email me at once.
Miss Snark here: This is an excellent synopsis, one of the best I’ve ever seen. Notice that it not only tells what happens, you get a sense of the characters and the format when she mentions the Things To Do lists. It’s ok to tell not show in a synopsis (example: Emma consistently fails to notice) because I have every confidence after reading this that the novel will show not tell. I’d read this in a heartbeat.
#22 Crapometer
Fantasy novel synopsis:
A telepathic Elf child has a premonition of danger and unknowingly activates a device that brings four Humans to his world. Not knowing how they arrived, they enlist the aid of the Elves to search for a way home while adjusting to life in the foreign world. Telepathy is rare among the Elves and Elsie (who?) is discovered to have telepathic power of her own and is trained in accordance with Elven customs. Elsie falls in love with another telepath and is soon spending all her free time with him. The child insists Kenny (who?) is skilled with the sword and has him accepted by the swordsbearers, a group dedicated to keeping alive the art of the sword to honor their ancestors. Matt (who?) researches Elven technology to find the key to their transport; the Elves hope he holds the key to rediscovering their own lost knowledge.
Who are these people? When you just start throwing out names with no organizational framework, I can’t keep track of them even within a paragraph. Is Elsie the Elf Child? Who is Kenny? And Matt?
When the child is taken from his bed under cover of darkness, the Humans join the efforts to rescue him. The Trolls behind the kidnapping demand an exchange of land in ransom for the child. The Elven council refuses to make the trade and sends a small squad to rescue the child while the majority of the Troll force is on the battlefield. A Troll hunting party ambushes the rescue mission and Elsie's lover is fatally injured. Amber transitions from errands and deliveries to field medic, collecting injured Elves from the battlefield. Kenny's size and skill make him a target of the Trolls and he is finally captured. The Trolls torture him for information about the Elves' battle plans and the involvement of Humans. Matt joins Elsie and Amber on the team to rescue Kenny and the child. Elsie loses an arm to a Troll warrior as she passes the battlefield but insists on continuing. After freeing the captives, the team finds the leaders of the attack and captures one. Kenny and Elsie are taken to the healers to treat their injuries while the rest wait for the Troll's next move. Having lost their hostages and leaders, the Trolls do not attack again. Within days, the Humans find themselves at their parents' homes on Earth.
Talk about great essay material for What I Did on My Summer Vacation.
This brings out my snarkiness because the way you’ve described things here is just a series of events with no context. What are the stakes?
Back at college with their physical wounds healed, the four continue the friendship started among the Elves. Elsie has a new prosthetic arm courtesy of Elven healers and uses painting for therapy, physical and emotional. Some of her paintings trigger new nightmares when Matt sees them and sleeplessness is added to his depression over his inaction during the battle and his inability to find the way home. Kenny's mother is disappointed that the others hadn't told their families the whole story of their adventure and insists that they do. Elsie hadn't really allowed herself to grieve for her lost lover since her return home, but telling her parents reawakens her despair. The others support her and keep her from being too alone, but nothing but time will help.
no cliche left unmentioned here.
Kenny and Amber share a ride home from school and realize they've fallen in love. Elsie's reluctance to use her telepathy to contact the Elves is reversed when Kenny finds an Elven artifact in a second-hand store near campus. The first attempt ends in a headache and dizziness, but a week later, her Elfen teacher responds with the news that her lover survived his injuries with the aid of a hermit and has been searching for her. Elsie communicates with the Elves weekly as they search for answers to the artifact and her mental powers slowly return to her previous strength. The Elves find an ancient text that identifies the artifact as one used for interdimensional transportation. Elsie aids Kenny with his proposal to Amber while she makes plans to leave Earth to marry her lover. Elsie is alone when the instructions for the artifact arrive. She leaves a note for the others and rejoins her lover.
You may have a rollicking good novel here, but this synopsis doesn’t reflect it. Who are the main characters? The elves or the humans? How did the four humans arrive together if they didn’t know each other? Were they transported from he line at Starbucks? did the coffee make the trip?
A synopsis is more than a recitation of events; you have to let us know who’s important in the story and why. Don’t get trapped by following the chronology of the book. A synopsis is a free standing document, NOT an outline.
A telepathic Elf child has a premonition of danger and unknowingly activates a device that brings four Humans to his world. Not knowing how they arrived, they enlist the aid of the Elves to search for a way home while adjusting to life in the foreign world. Telepathy is rare among the Elves and Elsie (who?) is discovered to have telepathic power of her own and is trained in accordance with Elven customs. Elsie falls in love with another telepath and is soon spending all her free time with him. The child insists Kenny (who?) is skilled with the sword and has him accepted by the swordsbearers, a group dedicated to keeping alive the art of the sword to honor their ancestors. Matt (who?) researches Elven technology to find the key to their transport; the Elves hope he holds the key to rediscovering their own lost knowledge.
Who are these people? When you just start throwing out names with no organizational framework, I can’t keep track of them even within a paragraph. Is Elsie the Elf Child? Who is Kenny? And Matt?
When the child is taken from his bed under cover of darkness, the Humans join the efforts to rescue him. The Trolls behind the kidnapping demand an exchange of land in ransom for the child. The Elven council refuses to make the trade and sends a small squad to rescue the child while the majority of the Troll force is on the battlefield. A Troll hunting party ambushes the rescue mission and Elsie's lover is fatally injured. Amber transitions from errands and deliveries to field medic, collecting injured Elves from the battlefield. Kenny's size and skill make him a target of the Trolls and he is finally captured. The Trolls torture him for information about the Elves' battle plans and the involvement of Humans. Matt joins Elsie and Amber on the team to rescue Kenny and the child. Elsie loses an arm to a Troll warrior as she passes the battlefield but insists on continuing. After freeing the captives, the team finds the leaders of the attack and captures one. Kenny and Elsie are taken to the healers to treat their injuries while the rest wait for the Troll's next move. Having lost their hostages and leaders, the Trolls do not attack again. Within days, the Humans find themselves at their parents' homes on Earth.
Talk about great essay material for What I Did on My Summer Vacation.
This brings out my snarkiness because the way you’ve described things here is just a series of events with no context. What are the stakes?
Back at college with their physical wounds healed, the four continue the friendship started among the Elves. Elsie has a new prosthetic arm courtesy of Elven healers and uses painting for therapy, physical and emotional. Some of her paintings trigger new nightmares when Matt sees them and sleeplessness is added to his depression over his inaction during the battle and his inability to find the way home. Kenny's mother is disappointed that the others hadn't told their families the whole story of their adventure and insists that they do. Elsie hadn't really allowed herself to grieve for her lost lover since her return home, but telling her parents reawakens her despair. The others support her and keep her from being too alone, but nothing but time will help.
no cliche left unmentioned here.
Kenny and Amber share a ride home from school and realize they've fallen in love. Elsie's reluctance to use her telepathy to contact the Elves is reversed when Kenny finds an Elven artifact in a second-hand store near campus. The first attempt ends in a headache and dizziness, but a week later, her Elfen teacher responds with the news that her lover survived his injuries with the aid of a hermit and has been searching for her. Elsie communicates with the Elves weekly as they search for answers to the artifact and her mental powers slowly return to her previous strength. The Elves find an ancient text that identifies the artifact as one used for interdimensional transportation. Elsie aids Kenny with his proposal to Amber while she makes plans to leave Earth to marry her lover. Elsie is alone when the instructions for the artifact arrive. She leaves a note for the others and rejoins her lover.
You may have a rollicking good novel here, but this synopsis doesn’t reflect it. Who are the main characters? The elves or the humans? How did the four humans arrive together if they didn’t know each other? Were they transported from he line at Starbucks? did the coffee make the trip?
A synopsis is more than a recitation of events; you have to let us know who’s important in the story and why. Don’t get trapped by following the chronology of the book. A synopsis is a free standing document, NOT an outline.
#21 Crapometer
Genre: romance/fantasy
Only Real Dogs Need Apply
WANTED: Female volunteers for 8 week test study of new beauty product. Only real dogs need apply.
When Lana Hatchett sees the ad, she’s torn between a desire to hunt down and kill the perpetrator and a secret hope that this time the promise of beauty in a jar will be true. All her life she’s been ugly. All her life she’s endured jokes about paper bags. All twenty-six years of her life she’s sought a solution, and she can’t bear it if another promised miracle falls through.
Miracles aren’t quite Drew Mercado’s line of work, but they’re closer than most people would think. Officially he’s a biochemist. Unofficially, he’s a wizard. His latest spell is the one he hopes will make him rich--a beauty cream that contains a powerful enchantment to make anyone who uses it gorgeous--but in order to market it he has to go through the testing process.
He needs a minimum of forty volunteers to meet the FDA’s testing standards. He’s invested a lot in start-up costs already, and if this product doesn’t go through, he’ll be ruined. Thus when he gets a cranky call from a woman who demands to know if this is “one of those damn makeover shows,” instead of following his first instinct, which is to hang up, he does his best to reassure her.
Thus begins Lana and Drew’s adventure together, in which innocent product testing becomes an agonizing ordeal. Lana demands direct attention from Drew, and in order to keep her in the study he agrees to be her personal counselor through the process. In eight weeks, Lana’s face goes from dog ugly to head-turning gorgeous, but inside she’s still the same ugly young woman, frightened and defensive.
When she looks in the mirror, she remembers all the years of being ugly, and sees herself that way still. She tells Drew off for trying to fool people, calls him a charlatan, and storms away.
In order to rescue his test study, Drew has to pull a Pygmalion act not only on Lana’s body, but on her personality. He tries magic, but it only helps temporarily. In order for Lana to truly feel beautiful she must change the way she thinks. Drew’s dismayed to find that none of his magic will do the job.
In desperation, and to keep her from giving his beauty project a failing grade, he asks her to go out on a date, hoping the reaction of people who see her out in public will convince her of her new beauty. Lana slowly begins to blossom under Drew’s flattering attention. After a glamorous night at the theatre, when she’s mistaken for a movie star, she realizes she’s falling in love with Drew.
Panic ensues. She doesn’t know how to be in love with a living, breathing male who’s actually paying attention to her. Ugly girls can only do love of the unrequited variety. She’s terrified it’ll all turn out to be an illusion.
Drew can’t understand why she’s suddenly acting crazy. He tries his best to soothe her, but everything he does only seems to make it worse. Finally he confesses to Lana the true nature of his beauty cream, and demonstrates by rubbing some on himself. Lana’s finally convinced--and throws a fit. How dare he lie to her! How dare he pass off his mumbo-jumbo as a legitimate product? Never mind that it works!
Drew is astonished to realize he cares less about getting rich than about having Lana in his life. He’s actually grown quite fond of her, and recognizes that beneath her angry and rather grumpy exterior is a frightened girl who is really loving and sweet.
And he loves her. And he’ll give all his dreams up rather than lose her.
He tells her so, and it shocks her into silence. Staring at him in disbelief, she asks him why. Why would he give up what he’s worked his whole life for?
“Because,” he says, taking her in his arms, “You’re the most beautiful ugly woman I’ve ever met.”
Killer Yapp here: “I’ve never understood why the word DOG is a synonym for ugly!!! I’ll have you know I’m a very handsome beast and anyone who says different will be lunch on the hoof.”
Miss Snark here: This is pretty good. Other than the dog thing of course. We get a sense of voice, a good overview of the plot and resolution, and a sense of how the characters develop. In the novel itself I’d be watching for good strong minor characters that aren’t mentioned here cause of space limitations I hope.
Killer Yapp here: “I’d chew it up and bury it in Central Park. Ugly dog indeed. Foolish non-poodle mammals!!”
Only Real Dogs Need Apply
WANTED: Female volunteers for 8 week test study of new beauty product. Only real dogs need apply.
When Lana Hatchett sees the ad, she’s torn between a desire to hunt down and kill the perpetrator and a secret hope that this time the promise of beauty in a jar will be true. All her life she’s been ugly. All her life she’s endured jokes about paper bags. All twenty-six years of her life she’s sought a solution, and she can’t bear it if another promised miracle falls through.
Miracles aren’t quite Drew Mercado’s line of work, but they’re closer than most people would think. Officially he’s a biochemist. Unofficially, he’s a wizard. His latest spell is the one he hopes will make him rich--a beauty cream that contains a powerful enchantment to make anyone who uses it gorgeous--but in order to market it he has to go through the testing process.
He needs a minimum of forty volunteers to meet the FDA’s testing standards. He’s invested a lot in start-up costs already, and if this product doesn’t go through, he’ll be ruined. Thus when he gets a cranky call from a woman who demands to know if this is “one of those damn makeover shows,” instead of following his first instinct, which is to hang up, he does his best to reassure her.
Thus begins Lana and Drew’s adventure together, in which innocent product testing becomes an agonizing ordeal. Lana demands direct attention from Drew, and in order to keep her in the study he agrees to be her personal counselor through the process. In eight weeks, Lana’s face goes from dog ugly to head-turning gorgeous, but inside she’s still the same ugly young woman, frightened and defensive.
When she looks in the mirror, she remembers all the years of being ugly, and sees herself that way still. She tells Drew off for trying to fool people, calls him a charlatan, and storms away.
In order to rescue his test study, Drew has to pull a Pygmalion act not only on Lana’s body, but on her personality. He tries magic, but it only helps temporarily. In order for Lana to truly feel beautiful she must change the way she thinks. Drew’s dismayed to find that none of his magic will do the job.
In desperation, and to keep her from giving his beauty project a failing grade, he asks her to go out on a date, hoping the reaction of people who see her out in public will convince her of her new beauty. Lana slowly begins to blossom under Drew’s flattering attention. After a glamorous night at the theatre, when she’s mistaken for a movie star, she realizes she’s falling in love with Drew.
Panic ensues. She doesn’t know how to be in love with a living, breathing male who’s actually paying attention to her. Ugly girls can only do love of the unrequited variety. She’s terrified it’ll all turn out to be an illusion.
Drew can’t understand why she’s suddenly acting crazy. He tries his best to soothe her, but everything he does only seems to make it worse. Finally he confesses to Lana the true nature of his beauty cream, and demonstrates by rubbing some on himself. Lana’s finally convinced--and throws a fit. How dare he lie to her! How dare he pass off his mumbo-jumbo as a legitimate product? Never mind that it works!
Drew is astonished to realize he cares less about getting rich than about having Lana in his life. He’s actually grown quite fond of her, and recognizes that beneath her angry and rather grumpy exterior is a frightened girl who is really loving and sweet.
And he loves her. And he’ll give all his dreams up rather than lose her.
He tells her so, and it shocks her into silence. Staring at him in disbelief, she asks him why. Why would he give up what he’s worked his whole life for?
“Because,” he says, taking her in his arms, “You’re the most beautiful ugly woman I’ve ever met.”
Killer Yapp here: “I’ve never understood why the word DOG is a synonym for ugly!!! I’ll have you know I’m a very handsome beast and anyone who says different will be lunch on the hoof.”
Miss Snark here: This is pretty good. Other than the dog thing of course. We get a sense of voice, a good overview of the plot and resolution, and a sense of how the characters develop. In the novel itself I’d be watching for good strong minor characters that aren’t mentioned here cause of space limitations I hope.
Killer Yapp here: “I’d chew it up and bury it in Central Park. Ugly dog indeed. Foolish non-poodle mammals!!”
12.26.2005
That's it for today...Monday
Well, my eyes are crossing and I'm getting cranky so as a public service to everyone I'm going to unplug the crapometer.
Some of you are emailing questions. Stop. I'm deleting them.
I'm using my mail box to manage the count (I have 87 to go and I know this cause I have 87 emails left). Any incoming mail right now that isn't "Miss Snark you rock" or "Miss Snark sux raw apple juice" are deleted pretty much unread.
I'm now off to watch the rest of The Wire, Season One, with commentary. I'll tell you, you should watch that and take notes, and listen to every word David Simon says.
I'm also reading a bio of Raymond Chandler (who didn't start writing novels till he was 50..take heart you late bloomers). One of the ways he taught himself to write was by rewriting other people's work. I'll post some of the narrative about that later, if I don't forget. Hit me with a clue stick if you don't see it when the crapometer has run its course.
We're on track for finishing this by Sunday... barring the arrival of aliens of course.
Some of you are emailing questions. Stop. I'm deleting them.
I'm using my mail box to manage the count (I have 87 to go and I know this cause I have 87 emails left). Any incoming mail right now that isn't "Miss Snark you rock" or "Miss Snark sux raw apple juice" are deleted pretty much unread.
I'm now off to watch the rest of The Wire, Season One, with commentary. I'll tell you, you should watch that and take notes, and listen to every word David Simon says.
I'm also reading a bio of Raymond Chandler (who didn't start writing novels till he was 50..take heart you late bloomers). One of the ways he taught himself to write was by rewriting other people's work. I'll post some of the narrative about that later, if I don't forget. Hit me with a clue stick if you don't see it when the crapometer has run its course.
We're on track for finishing this by Sunday... barring the arrival of aliens of course.
Crapometer #20
Title: Birdsong
Genre: Teen Fantasy
Synopsis:
Sarah and Cornelius are running late for an appointment at the record company Sarah is signed to. Sarah turns a corner, and accidentally crashes into a teenage boy (James) who's running late for school. Both of them quickly apologise to each other, scramble to pick up their stuff, and get going again. When Sarah gets to her appointment, she realises she's lost
her microphone.
James gets to school on time, and finds the microphone in his bag. He decides to try to find the girl he met so he can return it. Meanwhile Sarah's panicking about the missing microphone, and Cornelius (her agent/guardian) is trying to calm her down.
James sneaks out of school at lunchtime to try to find the girl. He retraces his steps, then sees a record company building nearby. He goes there and describes the girl to the receptionist. The receptionist tells him her name (Sarah), and tells him to wait for her to come down to reception.
James pulls out the microphone and starts singing along with the music being played at reception for fun. To his surprise he hits every note perfectly. When the song ends he sees Sarah and Cornelius standing in front of him. Cornelius offers to represent him, and James returns the microphone to Sarah. He accepts the offer then sneaks back to school, unaware that he was being followed by another student.
Over the next few weeks James gets to know Sarah and Cornelius, and both his and Sarah's careers start to take shape. James gets the distinct feeling Sarah and Cornelius are hiding something, but isn't sure what. He's never heard Sarah sing outside of a recording studio, and can't work out why his own singing sounds so good in the studio, but is so bad outside of it.
Some of James's suspicions are confirmed when he arrives early for a meeting at their apartment one day, and sees Sarah talking to a siamese cat who responds with Cornelius's voice! Sarah and Cornelius immediately swear him to secrecy over Cornelius's true identity. James agrees to keep Cornelius's secret, and wonders what else they're hiding.
Soon James and Sarah's first singles are released, and the two of them become household names almost overnight. Sarah gets random guys stopping her in the street to ask her out, and the girls at James's school instantly start asking him out. James's sudden popularity with the girls at school angers the boys, and they begin targetting him in sneaky little ways.
When James reaches his wit's end over how to deal with it all, a classmate (Brett) says he'll get the other boys to leave James alone if James can hook him up with Sarah. He also agrees not to tell anyone about James sneaking out of school a few weeks back. James says he'll talk to Sarah about it.
Sarah agrees to go out with Brett once, but only as a favour to James. Cornelius arranges a TV spot for James the same night Sarah's going out with Brett.
Brett takes Sarah out to dinner, but by the end of the date, Sarah realises who she really wanted to spend the evening with. When she gets home, she decides to go down to the TV studio to tell James how she feels. Cornelius tries to talk her out of it, but Sarah refuses to listen and goes to the studio, taking a small gift with her. When she arrives she sees a girl appear out of nowhere and watches as she pounces on James, declaring her love for him.
Sarah drops the gift and runs away, thinking the strange girl is James's girlfriend. James pushes away the strange girl, and chases after Sarah while rescuing the gift she dropped. He notices that Sarah's leaving behind a trail of feathers as she runs, then stares in amazement as Sarah turns into a duck, and flies away into the night. James looks at the gift, and notices it's the same strange necklace Sarah wears. He puts it on, and asks it to turn him into a duck too. The necklace immediately transforms James into a duck, and he flies after Sarah.
Sarah lands next to a lake, with James landing soon after. He recognises the lake as a nature reserve on the other side of town, and wonders why Sarah stopped here. He keeps following her, and sees her talking to two ducks. One of the ducks notices him, and beckons him over. As soon as James introduces himself, Sarah swims out onto the lake. James follows her, and Sarah can't help but laugh at his awkward swimming. She explains that the two ducks on the shore are her parents, and about the spell she's under. The spell enables her to take human form for a year, and the microphone translates her singing into human speech, which is why the microphone improved James's singing so much. The two of them then return to shore.
When the situation's explained, Sarah's mother casts the same spell on James with a shorter timespan so both spells will be broken on the same day.
The next day Cornelius tells them that a concert has been arranged in three months' time, at the stadium next to the nature reserve. They know that that's the day the spell ends, and Sarah and James begin preparing for what may be their only concert.
The day of the concert arrives, and Sarah goes missing two hours before they're due to go onstage. James guesses where she went, and goes down to the lake. He finds and reassures her that all will go well, and they return to the stadium.
As James predicted, the concert goes well. They lose track of time, and are suddenly surrounded by feathers and light as the spell ends. Sarah starts panicking, and James reassures her again that everything is alright. The light fades to reveal two humans standing on the stage, and the concert ends.
Are Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah are available for the movie version?
When you retell a familiar story, or even weave parts of many old stories into a new one, it’s really important to add something of your own to it. You’ve heard me yammer about fresh and new a lot. Insert that rant here.
This is ok, but it’s not anything that grabs me. Even with really good writing, you’re just retelling Hans Christian Anderson with rock lyrics.
Imagine deeply. Make this your own story.
And this synopsis is awash in detail. You could cut it in half and still convey the essence of the story.
Genre: Teen Fantasy
Synopsis:
Sarah and Cornelius are running late for an appointment at the record company Sarah is signed to. Sarah turns a corner, and accidentally crashes into a teenage boy (James) who's running late for school. Both of them quickly apologise to each other, scramble to pick up their stuff, and get going again. When Sarah gets to her appointment, she realises she's lost
her microphone.
James gets to school on time, and finds the microphone in his bag. He decides to try to find the girl he met so he can return it. Meanwhile Sarah's panicking about the missing microphone, and Cornelius (her agent/guardian) is trying to calm her down.
James sneaks out of school at lunchtime to try to find the girl. He retraces his steps, then sees a record company building nearby. He goes there and describes the girl to the receptionist. The receptionist tells him her name (Sarah), and tells him to wait for her to come down to reception.
James pulls out the microphone and starts singing along with the music being played at reception for fun. To his surprise he hits every note perfectly. When the song ends he sees Sarah and Cornelius standing in front of him. Cornelius offers to represent him, and James returns the microphone to Sarah. He accepts the offer then sneaks back to school, unaware that he was being followed by another student.
Over the next few weeks James gets to know Sarah and Cornelius, and both his and Sarah's careers start to take shape. James gets the distinct feeling Sarah and Cornelius are hiding something, but isn't sure what. He's never heard Sarah sing outside of a recording studio, and can't work out why his own singing sounds so good in the studio, but is so bad outside of it.
Some of James's suspicions are confirmed when he arrives early for a meeting at their apartment one day, and sees Sarah talking to a siamese cat who responds with Cornelius's voice! Sarah and Cornelius immediately swear him to secrecy over Cornelius's true identity. James agrees to keep Cornelius's secret, and wonders what else they're hiding.
Soon James and Sarah's first singles are released, and the two of them become household names almost overnight. Sarah gets random guys stopping her in the street to ask her out, and the girls at James's school instantly start asking him out. James's sudden popularity with the girls at school angers the boys, and they begin targetting him in sneaky little ways.
When James reaches his wit's end over how to deal with it all, a classmate (Brett) says he'll get the other boys to leave James alone if James can hook him up with Sarah. He also agrees not to tell anyone about James sneaking out of school a few weeks back. James says he'll talk to Sarah about it.
Sarah agrees to go out with Brett once, but only as a favour to James. Cornelius arranges a TV spot for James the same night Sarah's going out with Brett.
Brett takes Sarah out to dinner, but by the end of the date, Sarah realises who she really wanted to spend the evening with. When she gets home, she decides to go down to the TV studio to tell James how she feels. Cornelius tries to talk her out of it, but Sarah refuses to listen and goes to the studio, taking a small gift with her. When she arrives she sees a girl appear out of nowhere and watches as she pounces on James, declaring her love for him.
Sarah drops the gift and runs away, thinking the strange girl is James's girlfriend. James pushes away the strange girl, and chases after Sarah while rescuing the gift she dropped. He notices that Sarah's leaving behind a trail of feathers as she runs, then stares in amazement as Sarah turns into a duck, and flies away into the night. James looks at the gift, and notices it's the same strange necklace Sarah wears. He puts it on, and asks it to turn him into a duck too. The necklace immediately transforms James into a duck, and he flies after Sarah.
Sarah lands next to a lake, with James landing soon after. He recognises the lake as a nature reserve on the other side of town, and wonders why Sarah stopped here. He keeps following her, and sees her talking to two ducks. One of the ducks notices him, and beckons him over. As soon as James introduces himself, Sarah swims out onto the lake. James follows her, and Sarah can't help but laugh at his awkward swimming. She explains that the two ducks on the shore are her parents, and about the spell she's under. The spell enables her to take human form for a year, and the microphone translates her singing into human speech, which is why the microphone improved James's singing so much. The two of them then return to shore.
When the situation's explained, Sarah's mother casts the same spell on James with a shorter timespan so both spells will be broken on the same day.
The next day Cornelius tells them that a concert has been arranged in three months' time, at the stadium next to the nature reserve. They know that that's the day the spell ends, and Sarah and James begin preparing for what may be their only concert.
The day of the concert arrives, and Sarah goes missing two hours before they're due to go onstage. James guesses where she went, and goes down to the lake. He finds and reassures her that all will go well, and they return to the stadium.
As James predicted, the concert goes well. They lose track of time, and are suddenly surrounded by feathers and light as the spell ends. Sarah starts panicking, and James reassures her again that everything is alright. The light fades to reveal two humans standing on the stage, and the concert ends.
Are Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah are available for the movie version?
When you retell a familiar story, or even weave parts of many old stories into a new one, it’s really important to add something of your own to it. You’ve heard me yammer about fresh and new a lot. Insert that rant here.
This is ok, but it’s not anything that grabs me. Even with really good writing, you’re just retelling Hans Christian Anderson with rock lyrics.
Imagine deeply. Make this your own story.
And this synopsis is awash in detail. You could cut it in half and still convey the essence of the story.
Crapometer #19
Falling Leaves
Mainstream/Commercial/Boomer (boomer? wtf?)
Synopsis/Outline (no no no, two different things!)
4 paragraphs - no names, setting of tone and theme for book, thoughts from Her (wtf?)
Cathleen and Jamie are two seventeen year olds dating in 1968, learning about love in the front seat of a ‘63 Ford Galaxie. Cathleen discovers how to turn boys on and keep them coming back for more. Jamie is flustered until he discovers she gets turned on just as easily. In small town America in the '60's, there are only two choices for a future. You either get married and settle down or leave for college. Cathleen's family doesn't value education, sees no purpose in it. Jamie's, on the other hand, knows there is no future in farming. The decision to 'do it' or not creates tension and ultimately drives them apart. Toss in a cynical high school principal, a mother trying to keep her daughter in check and the changing social climate of the late '60's, and a familiar portrait of growing up in that wondrous time emerges. (100 pages)
you don’t need to list the number of pages this takes.
4 paragraphs - no names - setting of tone and theme - thoughts from Him (wtf?)
Cathleen's story. Cathleen's dream of a white house and a comfortable husband who works hard and loves her without question comes true. Complications arrive with the Vietnam War, her embittered mother's determination to keep Cathleen under her protective wings, and a sex drive husband Ed can't even begin to match. The glue that keeps her home is not her mother's sneaky machinations but her dad, whose smile she cherishes and friendship she needs. Like many young women in the seventies, Cathleen wonders if she is missing something, but eventually accepts a good and decent family life. (Cathleen is a middle class, suburban/rural mom - not unlike millions who grew up during the sixties and "settled”‚ for what they thought was the good life) (50 pages)
4 paragraphs - no names, the "infamous”‚ shower scene
There's only one "infamous" shower scene in the world. This isn't it.
Jamie's story - Jamie goes off to college, learns of life and love, gets involved in the anti-war demonstrations of ‘69 and ‘70. Finds a girl who teaches him how to make love, then loses her to her past. Finds Mona, a hard driven pre-law student who admires his personality and intelligence. And he discovers Pynchon, the iconoclastic writer of the seventies. But Jamie moves through life with no real focus, sex is the only constant passion he retains, which is not enough for Mona who finally leaves when Jamie heads off in an inane search for the elusive Thomas Pynchon. Through a stroke of dumb luck, Jamie receives a Ph.D. and a teaching position at a small college where he continues his search for the idealized Cathleen he remembers. And discovers teaching is something he enjoys and excels at.(50 pages)
4 paragraphs - no names, the coming storm - thoughts from Him & Her
Back home to settle his parent's estate and a chance meeting with Cathleen soon leads to a torrid love affair. And both discover what they have been searching for or hoping to find for thirty years. Only now, Cathleen has the baggage of a comfortable life and husband. And Jamie has a tenured position in a small academic community where Cathleen would be sorely out of place. Into the mix comes husband Ed, nearing retirement and looking forward to the rest of his life with his wife of 30 years. When Cathleen's misfit brother and mother discover the affair, the stage is set. Does Cathleen stay with her comfortable Ed or go for the passion she has been missing her whole life? Does Jamie force the matter and try to remove Cathleen from the life she has always known, to a world where she likely will not be welcomed or happy? A climactic scene in a local restaurant with a drunken Vietnam vet, mother and brother, helps them make the choice. Jamie goes away again. Cathleen's mother finally goes beyond what even she will stand for and the break between the two becomes a chasm. Cathleen and Ed marry their children off and prepare for his retirement. And suddenly, Cathleen is alone and she can't find Jamie to tell him. He does come back - everyone likes happy endings.(100 pages)
I’m not sure what format you’re working in here but a synopsis isn’t an index. You don’t need to list everything you do. Just the plot, the characters and the turning points in the conflict.
What you’re missing here is anything remotely new to say or even a fresh approach to a tried and true subject. I’ve read this book a hundred times before and I’ve seen it on Lifetime -Grandmother Snark and Grandmother Yapp are suckers for weepies.
Mainstream/Commercial/Boomer (boomer? wtf?)
Synopsis/Outline (no no no, two different things!)
4 paragraphs - no names, setting of tone and theme for book, thoughts from Her (wtf?)
Cathleen and Jamie are two seventeen year olds dating in 1968, learning about love in the front seat of a ‘63 Ford Galaxie. Cathleen discovers how to turn boys on and keep them coming back for more. Jamie is flustered until he discovers she gets turned on just as easily. In small town America in the '60's, there are only two choices for a future. You either get married and settle down or leave for college. Cathleen's family doesn't value education, sees no purpose in it. Jamie's, on the other hand, knows there is no future in farming. The decision to 'do it' or not creates tension and ultimately drives them apart. Toss in a cynical high school principal, a mother trying to keep her daughter in check and the changing social climate of the late '60's, and a familiar portrait of growing up in that wondrous time emerges. (100 pages)
you don’t need to list the number of pages this takes.
4 paragraphs - no names - setting of tone and theme - thoughts from Him (wtf?)
Cathleen's story. Cathleen's dream of a white house and a comfortable husband who works hard and loves her without question comes true. Complications arrive with the Vietnam War, her embittered mother's determination to keep Cathleen under her protective wings, and a sex drive husband Ed can't even begin to match. The glue that keeps her home is not her mother's sneaky machinations but her dad, whose smile she cherishes and friendship she needs. Like many young women in the seventies, Cathleen wonders if she is missing something, but eventually accepts a good and decent family life. (Cathleen is a middle class, suburban/rural mom - not unlike millions who grew up during the sixties and "settled”‚ for what they thought was the good life) (50 pages)
4 paragraphs - no names, the "infamous”‚ shower scene
There's only one "infamous" shower scene in the world. This isn't it.
Jamie's story - Jamie goes off to college, learns of life and love, gets involved in the anti-war demonstrations of ‘69 and ‘70. Finds a girl who teaches him how to make love, then loses her to her past. Finds Mona, a hard driven pre-law student who admires his personality and intelligence. And he discovers Pynchon, the iconoclastic writer of the seventies. But Jamie moves through life with no real focus, sex is the only constant passion he retains, which is not enough for Mona who finally leaves when Jamie heads off in an inane search for the elusive Thomas Pynchon. Through a stroke of dumb luck, Jamie receives a Ph.D. and a teaching position at a small college where he continues his search for the idealized Cathleen he remembers. And discovers teaching is something he enjoys and excels at.(50 pages)
4 paragraphs - no names, the coming storm - thoughts from Him & Her
Back home to settle his parent's estate and a chance meeting with Cathleen soon leads to a torrid love affair. And both discover what they have been searching for or hoping to find for thirty years. Only now, Cathleen has the baggage of a comfortable life and husband. And Jamie has a tenured position in a small academic community where Cathleen would be sorely out of place. Into the mix comes husband Ed, nearing retirement and looking forward to the rest of his life with his wife of 30 years. When Cathleen's misfit brother and mother discover the affair, the stage is set. Does Cathleen stay with her comfortable Ed or go for the passion she has been missing her whole life? Does Jamie force the matter and try to remove Cathleen from the life she has always known, to a world where she likely will not be welcomed or happy? A climactic scene in a local restaurant with a drunken Vietnam vet, mother and brother, helps them make the choice. Jamie goes away again. Cathleen's mother finally goes beyond what even she will stand for and the break between the two becomes a chasm. Cathleen and Ed marry their children off and prepare for his retirement. And suddenly, Cathleen is alone and she can't find Jamie to tell him. He does come back - everyone likes happy endings.(100 pages)
I’m not sure what format you’re working in here but a synopsis isn’t an index. You don’t need to list everything you do. Just the plot, the characters and the turning points in the conflict.
What you’re missing here is anything remotely new to say or even a fresh approach to a tried and true subject. I’ve read this book a hundred times before and I’ve seen it on Lifetime -Grandmother Snark and Grandmother Yapp are suckers for weepies.
Crapometer #18
Genre: western
THE LONG RIDER
Those who moved West from elsewhere and those raised in the new West accepted the frontier's eventual close. But there yet remained men like Jed Matthews who were born when every man still maintained his own law and an endless and u
THE LONG RIDER
Those who moved West from elsewhere and those raised in the new West accepted the frontier's eventual close. But there yet remained men like Jed Matthews who were born when every man still maintained his own law and an endless and u