#96 Crapometer

Genre: Science Fiction

Synopsis of - The Discovering of Demons

From the tranquility of his lakeside home, LUQA DRENDUN is sent to Zetjun Cathedral to learn the politics of his world. Eight years old, and heir to Desmondia, the young prince is taught Desmondian statecraft at his Grandsire’s wing. BRYKAC DRENDUN rules his people by fear, calling on the dark god, K'uni, whom Brykac feeds with those who displease him. As Luqa grows up and his popularity climbs, Brykac undermines and humiliates Luqa every opportunity he can.

so, is Brykac Luqa’s grandsire? and he has wings? cause metaphors like that don’t work if it’s science fiction. You say wing here, I’m thinking it’s real wings.

And if you give a character wings, you want to let them fly. That's akin to the old adage about showing a gun in the first act and having it fire by the third. What good are wings if you have a spaceship hauling you everywhere?

Blaming humans for his exile and the downfall of his people, Luqa takes out his angst (I think you mean anger, no one takes out their angst on people except Woody Allen) upon Colonel JONAS BRIERLY, who he captures on the world of Cavan. Five hundred years earlier, war had seen Earth all but destroyed and Desmondia decimated. Yet the war had been initiated by the Cavalana, hybrid flying creatures, half-Desmondis and half-human.

I thought Luqa was learning state craft with Gramps? How did he get exiled?

Two burning questions occupy Luqa's mind - how human and Desmondis could combine and create a viable race, and how humans had defeated the Desmondis. In his search for answers, Luqa captures, Haron, a young Cavalana, who share his prison with Jonas.

Luqa proceeds to torture Jonas; for Haron he has other plans other (other plans other?? LAZY ASS EDITING!!!) than investigating his physiology. He drugs and seduces the young Cavalana, much to Haron's horror

As he learned cruelty at his Grandsire’s knee, so Luqa metes it out upon Haron. Yet he becomes disgusted by himself, and when Haron turns upon him, Luqa barely fights, seeing Haron's attack as justice for his actions and a way of assuaging guilt.

ok, here’s the big problemo du jour. This doesn’t make sense. If he’s becoming disgusted with himself we should see reference to it earlier. Last thing we saw about his state of mind was he was ready to torture Jonas.

And quit starting sentences with As, Yet, From, With and preposition-like things. It usually means you’re opening with a subordinate clause and it’s weak.

With the tables turned, Haron and Jonas find themselves in the bizarre situation of tending the Desmondis prince. Even so, they take advantage of Luqa's drugged and weakened state to question him and find out about his life. Horrified by Luqa's tale of abuse and cruelty, the tale changes their perception of him, and although they cannot forgive his treatment they begin to understand the person.

Surprises keep coming when ANASTASIA reveals herself. The most gorgeous Cavalana Haron has ever seen, she tells them she is Luqa's daughter from the human Brykac raped and beat to death. She is very young yet has an uncanny and adult intelligence, and Haron finds himself quickly drawn to her. Yet, this only adds to his dilemmas over his faith and existence.

Reveals herself?? WTF? Where? in the glass darkly? Telepathically? She just turns up riding a white horse?

And wait a second here: faith and existence?? When did we start talking about that?

As Haron seeks his god, so Anastasia takes her revenge. For years she has resented Luqa taking her from Desmondia and has been drugging the Desmondis prince. When Luqa is accused of attempting to murder Haron, Anastasia begs him to flee into the jungles of Cavan where Luqa undergoes a horrific torment withdrawing from drugs. As he lies dying, Anastasia gives him har'khiennen, the Cavalana blood change, not sure what will happen.

Are you sure it’s not Harkonnes and he’ll become a big worm?

When Haron regains his senses he knows it was not Luqa who tried to kill him but Anastasia. He goes in search of her and Luqa and finds Jonas already confronting Ana. During a fight, Haron kills Ana, but not before she has bitten Jonas, which starts an instant chain reaction within any human, turning them into Cavalana, and when Haron finds Luqa, underneath the dark desmondis skin he finds another Cavalana.

When the Zeta arrives on Cavan, IRAYNA ROBERTSON heads a team to look for Jonas. After she finds him, she tells him they have a Desmondian vessel aboard. Jonas asks Luqa to question them. The exiled prince is reluctant, but he goes aboard and discovers that he did not succeed in killing Brykac and that Brykac is building troops and ships to start a war against humans. Knowing Brykac cannot succeed, and hoping to save his peoples' lives, Luqa joins the Zeta in a trip to Desmondia. Jonas and Haron, go with him.

Not all Desmondis agree with Brykac's policies. J'HERA FARHAN has plans of his own, and when Luqa and the human ship arrive he agrees to aid them in an attack on Zetjun Cathedral, the province of Desmondian aristocracy. With sparks already flying between Luqa and Irayna, deciding on a plan is difficult, but when it is agreed upon, Irayna leads one of the attacks on Zetjun. During it, she is captured by Brykac while Luqa leads his own troops to victory. After he makes sure he kills Brykac, he claims the Desmondian throne for his son not himself, and all seems well until an old adherent of Brykac's murders Ghazen on his coronation day. Despite his altered appearance, Luqa's people want him for king. Reluctantly he accepts.

With Desmondia secure and great hope for future peaceful relations, Irayna returns to her ship. It is Jonas who confronts her, asking why she won't act on her own feelings for Luqa. After she wants no male of any sort but cannot deny what she feels. (what??) She goes back to Desmondia and Luqa, but not before asking Haron for har'khiennen. At a house by a lakeside she speaks with Luqa and he reveals his own feelings.

Haron will return to Cavan, but not before going to Beriabic, now the main colony. Jonas will continue as a diplomat between Desmondia, Cavan and Beriabic. And so begins the start of a hopeful future for races driven apart by war yet connected by genes.

Too much detail. Not enough over arching framework. You might have a good novel here but this needs a hair cut.


Anonymous said...

LOl, I shouldn't laugh rather than be crawling into a hole right now, but I, like many others, found it incredibly difficult to encapsulate an entire novel in one thousand words, hitting on the main points. Especially a very complex novel. As for lazy ass editing, I'll blame that on the incredible strength back pain medication.

Thank you, Miss Snark. I'll see what I can do with it.

Anonymous said...

The grandfather's wing was his wing of the cathedral, right?

Anonymous said...

Heh, see how badly I did, Frankie. Although I did explain further down that the Desmondis were winged aliens, it wasn't sufficient. I read an article where a real live scientist combined bat and human genes and the Desmondis were born, but...that was one of the things I didn't show sufficiently to give a real feel for the story. Picking those relevant facts out was one of the hardest parts of the exercise.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if anyone noticed this bit "she tells them she is Luqa's daughter from the human Brykac raped and beat to death" but, how can she be Luqa's daughter if Brykac raped her? Unless you've invented spontaneously teleporting sperm that is...

Anonymous said...

Rape doesn't necessarily mean a birth will follow. It isn't clear, I agree, none of the synop is now I look at it from another pov, but I over edited in some places and not enough in others. I missed a para explaining why Luqa left Desmondia. But, never mind, the synop is there with all its foibles. Now all I have to do is write a proper one.

Unknown said...

no one takes out their angst on people except Woody Allen

*screams with laughter*
And here I thought I was the only person who felt that way about Woody Allen.