1.18.2006

Are you all INSANE?

Just finished my novel and was told about your kickin' site (shameless bootlicking). When is the next round of the crap-o-meter and how do I play?


Not that my boots don't appreciate it but have you taken leave of your senses?

If you look CAREFULLY at the dates the crapometer got off its sorry ass and actually did some work you'll notice two things: Christmas, Summer.

This leads a Smart Snarkling (that would be you) to realize that the amount of work required for that marathon is not able to happen while Miss Snark is actully doing..ahem...work.

See, here's the thing. I actually do this for a living. Clients expect me to answer their phone calls and sell their manuscripts. They expect me to kick and scream when editors don't get back to them. This all of course takes time. Barring cloning my sorry ass self, there's only one of me to do this.

However, if you arrange for Miss Snark to 1. win the lottery; 2. clone herself; and 3. stop caring whether her client's work sells we'll run the crapometer 24/7.

15 comments:

Rhonda Stapleton said...

LOL - aaah, good times...

Hang in there, Miss Snark. You're doing a faboo job. We appreciate your time and thoughtful feedback - and even though I didn't submit anything, I really learned a lot from reading what you wrote about others' submissions.

archer said...

You should find a clever snarkling or two, call them "Snark Assistants," and let them run the Crapometer in exchange for letting them put "Miss Snark's Crapometer Assistant" in their queries. It's standard pedagogical practice.

stay_c said...

I love archer's idea, but how would anyone prove that they really were a Snarkling Assistant if questioned?

Perhaps something shorter would be in order next time...first sentence of the novel, perhaps?

Rhonda Stapleton said...

I like archer's idea, too, actually...

megoblocks said...

I find it hard to believe that you have yet to win some obscure lottery over seas. Surely you have been notified via email, and just need to collect your prize money. I believe that will satisfy the first requirement. I will check in with some owners of sheep for #2, and just what will it take for #3? An extra bottle of gin?

Anonymous said...

Oh, I really like Stacy_c's idea. Would you be willing to let us send you our first sentences? You wouldn't even have to comment yourself, just let your faithful snarklings have at it.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

MS said: "if you arrange for Miss Snark to 1. win the lottery; 2. clone herself; and 3. stop caring whether her client's work sells we'll run the crapometer 24/7."

I'm adding a #4: If you arrange for Mr. Clooney to take MS on a weekend excursion on his yacht sailing along some Greek isle,

THEN MAYBE, she'll consider running the crapometer, but if she does, it'll be Killer Yapp running the show since MS will be, um, busy sipping gin out of Mr. Clooney's, er, cup.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

So I'm standing in the pasture looking toward the river. I have a cup of mildly warm coffee in my hands. It was hot – burn your tongue hot – when I poured it. Alas, it is hot no more. Bill E. Goat walks over, and we have this conversation.

Bill E: Are you going to take dictation today?

Me: Dictation? Me? Oh, you mean your novel. No, not today Bill. I have to work.

Bill E: What do you mean work? You fed me. Isn't your work done for the day?

Me: (With raised eyebrows): Bill the sun's just coming up. I have a husband to feed, kids to get up and dressed and fed. . . .

Bill E: Come back when that's done. Bring the kids. Your kids can play with mine. Oh, bring your lap top. I was thinking chapter two could start outside the Gates of Paris on a cold and windy night. . .

Me: Bill, after I get the kids fed, I have to work in the store.

Bill E: and a highway man can come riding, riding, riding, until fluffy nips at his horse's hooves and . . .

Me: Bill, the store wont run itself.

Bill E: Come after work.

Me: You know I will, but I wont have time to . . .

Bill E: Or maybe chapter two could take place in Seattle at a Starbucks. Say a cute French Alpine has gone missing . . . . Fluffy gets jealous of my interest in the case and. . .

Me: Bill! Agents and Booksellers both have to work.

Bill E: Why? Oh, and did you ever find out if Killer Yap is female? Is she cute? Does she like goats? If I show her a good time will Miss Snark read my book? Do poodles like sweet corn? Hey . . . Just asking!

Cheryll said...

Archer, I love your idea...

Not because I actually want to do any of the work, mind you...

But wouldn't it be cool to have 'Miss Snark's Crapometer Assistant' on my CV.

Woo-hoo!

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

I'm sorry, but I don't want anyone but the Queen of all agents, the top dog's mommy, the real McCoy, the one and only Snarky to read my pitiful writing. If I'm going to be Snark bit, I want it to be done by the best of them.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark: I love Stay_c's idea, too - just the first sentence, the shorter the better.

Anonymous said...

First pages again, please!

Emelle

Anonymous said...

Hey, the writer was just asking.

"That looks like fun, when are you doing it again?" doesn't mean "I demand you run the Crapometer 24/7!" Polite enthusiasm isn't nitwittery.

Miss Snark said...

Sorry Anon, i've lost all perspective where the crapometer is concerned. I don't think I actually said or even thought "nitwit" though...

Anonymous said...

Nooooo assistants!! Miss Snark and only Miss Snark cranking up the crapometer!

And here's my burning question of the day:

What does Miss Snark dilute the gin pail with? OJ? Tonic? Bitter Lemon? Martini? A solitary ice-cube?