1.03.2006

Crapometer got you feeling bruised and blue?

Take heart; you didn't make this list...did you?


All true excerpts from stories submitted to Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine. (Spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the originals.)


Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.


Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.


Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.


"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."


The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.


"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."


The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.


He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.


"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.


When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.


"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."


The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.


"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.


My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.


The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.


Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.


Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.


"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.


Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.


Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.


John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.


Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.


"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.


The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.


"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.


They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.


"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"


Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.


Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.


Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.


A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.


Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.


And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt...unusual.


Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.


He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.


Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.


He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,


what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.


There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian,
and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy
as a guardian, she might as well practice.


Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."


She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.


The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.


The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.


Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly.


"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"


It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.


It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.


On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!


"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."


He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.


Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.


A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.


Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.


Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.


Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.


It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.


Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
( Was he too from Rabbitania?)


I caress her cheek. She shutters.


He whetted his lips.


(thanks to a Snarkling for the list!)

62 comments:

Tribe said...

"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"

Sonofabitch! I've been wanting to use that line!

Tina said...

I kinda liked the image of a cadaver trying to remember something. Brings to mind some of my students, especially those in my Friday morning classes.

Bernita said...

I invested in a water-proof chair cushion.
Now, I think I need a drop sheet as well...

kitty said...

Jaaaaaay-zus, I can't stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

Tribe, dahlink, isn't that what you want to hear, rather than say? Not that there's anything wrong with saying it of course.

Ric said...

If 25% of the people are functionally illiterate, and 50% more write like this, why is it we're having such trouble getting published?

Christine said...

OMG. Reading those, makes me feel so much better about MY work. Wow.

Cocoskeeper said...

Gee. I wish "I" was that talented.

That Girl Who Writes Stuff said...

The funny thing is a collection of horrible sentences might make fodder for a profitable little book.

Anonymous said...

"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"

I didn't know the late Linda Lovelace was a sci-fi writer...or that she wrote John Holmes fan-fic.

Voix said...

I am a new reader and I pay homage to Your Snarkiness. Thank you thank you thank you for the Crapometer. I'm going to think about Weston and his genital hold for the rest of the night. I'll buy you a drink if you're ever in Minneapolis.

Anonymous said...

I was reading something the other day about a contest that refunded their entry fees because there wasn't a good story in the bunch. At the time, I thought no way, but now I understand...I saw stuff like this at the Nano boards, but to submit it?

Sonarbabe said...

LMAO! Oh dear God. I love that. Like Christine said, it makes me feel ever so much better about my prose.

Tribe said...

NO, anonymous...I wanted to use it in a book.

Besides, I've had dates say that to me anyways!

M. G. Tarquini said...

"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.

That author's from Phoenix. In fact, he may be my neighbor.

Berry said...

Oh thank God, none of those are sentences from MY submission to Asimovs!

Dave Kuzminski said...

You get cooler stuff in the email than I receive. I generally get complaints (about others though someone sent me a complaint today about my site...wow) and cease and desist orders which thankfully restore some of the padding to my poor old chair at my computer.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Um, can someone explain to me what a "firm but genital" hold is?

Daniel Hatadi said...

It's like the Far Side. After ten or so, even I feel like biting back the tears in my eyes.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

ROFLMAO...Oh, I feel so much better!

McKoala said...

Love it. Spat tea on the keyboard.

What's more, it makes me feel clever, even if only for a second or two.

Susanne said...

These are probably some of the same people who bitch constantly about how unfair agents and publishers are. Yikes!

Pat said...

Man, I couldn't even read all of those. I feel so much better... I don't think I've ever released something into the wild that was quite that craptacular.

Rick said...

Some of these are sort of, well, cosmic.

Dee said...

I'm drawn to this one because I've said it to myself many times. Haven't you? Admit, yes you have!

""Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind."

Dee said...

I'm drawn to this one because I've said it to myself many times. Haven't you? Admit, yes you have!

""Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind."

the chocolatier said...

I've been laughing so hard I've started to cry! Cheers!

archer said...

"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.

Nascent Burgess?

Paisley Scott said...

"Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind."

Oh no, forsooth and heavens to Mergatroy!!! It's got me! I pray that the VOICE OF REASON will save me!

~baaa-dumm-dum!~

"Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them."

Uh... I admit it... I'd stare too.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God. There are no words. Too funny.

Carla said...

Some enterprising soul should roll these into a book, self-publish it on www.lulu.com, and give 'Atlanta Nights' a run for its money in the spoof stakes. It might even make enough money to pay all the contributors (if the magazine still has the list of names) 1 cent each for the rights. Then they can all claim to be published authors in their next query letter.

Yzabel said...

Gee, half of these sentences I needed to read three or four times to understand them, and I doubt it's because I'm French! I'm not ashamed to say that even my written-in-a-haze first draft for NaNoWriMo is better than that (when I say first draft, I mean it--I haven't even read it a first time yet).

Thank you, by the way, for restoring my self-confidence.

Anonymous said...

What I coincidence, I am also now laughing sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.

E. Ann Bardawill said...

It's.... it's....
.
.
.
.
it's like The Eye of Argon... over and over and over and over AGAIN!!!

**Faints**

lorelei said...

Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.


Am I the only one who thinks this is probably an improvement over the intended version?

Stuart said...

Craptastic!

My favorite is the guy routing around in his trousers and pulling out the diry thing.

Thanks for sharing, Miss Snark (and thanks to the Snarkling who sent it in)

Mama Rose said...

Thanks so much for a good laugh. I've got tears running down my cheeks, I laughed so hard. :)by

Yasmine Galenorn said...

Oh man, you made my morning Miss Snark! ROFLMAO...I needed this laugh. And still, these people wonder why their stories weren't accepted.

kathie said...

Yikes!

Pepper Espinoza said...

Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

What does this even mean?!

nix said...

Two things:

First, I used to copyedit genre fiction for a living, and these sentences could easily have come from those manuscripts slated for publication. Especially the misplaced modifier howlers. It really seemed as though the quality of the writing was less important to the publishers than that the author grasped the formula (length, plot points, character types) for the genre. And I don't think anyone in-house was vetting the mss first. It was up to me; nobody else seemed to care.

Second, I really liked some of these a lot.

This is sort of profound: It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.

This could totally work in a science fiction spoof screenplay: Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."

This is pure poetry: He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something.

And I could see this sentence in a much-acclaimed work of contemporary literary fiction: Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.

Anonymous said...

This is pure poetry: He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something.

But connect this with the rest of that sentence (which got separated accidently) and it makes much less sense.

what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.

jeanjeanie said...

Funny. But what's even funnier is that some of these could actually work in the proper context. It's inspiring me to do a writing exercise to place some of these lines into a context that makes them work. It's a challenge, but I'm having fun.

Jillian said...

I can't help but think that some of these bombs were produced by very young writers, who seem to be drawn to genre fiction more than anything else (think 15-year-old sci-fi geek).

If I'm wrong, I'm very frightened.

Just Me said...

'"Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.'

Can't breathe ... must ... stop ... howling ... before neighbours call police...

I edit fiction and have a bunch of these stored up. Most of them I can't share, but there's one (from a translation done by someone who clearly knew neither the source language nor the destination language) that I don't think will get me into trouble:

'Because she had humps in front and teeth awry, her sisters found it necessary to blow her up.'

(I went back to the source language and discovered that the original sentence meant 'Because she was plain, with a bumpy forehead and crooked teeth, her sisters often had to boost her self-esteem.')

GZ said...

Ohmigod, hysterical! I'm crying.

tambo said...

Oh my.

Thanks for the laughs!

Jules Jones said...

What's really scaring me is that my writing partner and I have been reading out the choicest bits to each other, and so far we've added three of them to our story ideas file.

Well, we write cross-genre erotic romance sf. The ejaculations line is an obvious one for us, but there are one or two others that sparked some very strange ideas...

Anonymous said...

"I can't say what a burden it is off my shoulders to see none of my writing on this list," Tom said weightedly.

And boy, do I remember what it was like to have infinite debts in my eyes. At least now all my credit cards are paid off.

--Danny Adams
www.livejournal.com/users/madwriter

meta said...

I cannot read the last few excerpts through the tears. Brilliance of the highest calibre.

Kellie said...

"Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men."

Oh, this makes perfect sense. It's just a different spin on assessing handshakes in the interview process. And it works so much better writing the usual, clunky, "As-you-know, Bob" infodump to explain that in this culture it is customary to grab someone's genitals in greeting. Makes me wonder what sort of clothing these people might wear.

Carter said...

I actually did once write a story around the line "his eyes slid down the front of her dress". Horror of course. It was "Windows to the Soul" and was published in Nocturnal Ooze, September, 2004. (toot, toot goes my horn)

Some of these are creeping around in my skull now. It'll be fun to see what grows.

Dhewco said...

Ya'll took my favorite, but this one is good, too:


"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.


I love it when my computers speak that way.

BTW, shields that are contoured to a ship would probably drain a lot more energy than a bubble, or egg-shaped shield.

This one just confuses me:

They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.


Does it mean Human in every way, except they were chicken from the neck up?

I also love it when eye's embrace pools.

Are we sure that that Iron Pyramid publications guy didn't write these? Sounds like him. Especially the eye thing.

Annalee Blysse said...

Yodel-odel-aye-eee-whoo.

Nonny said...

*dies laughing*

Hilarious. Thanks for sharing. :)

Jeremiah Harbottle said...

Thankyou. I don't feel quite so bad about my own stuff now.

Folklore Fanatic said...

Wow. Just...wow.

The best part is that the translations of what I *think* they meant would probably make more sense than what they intended.

There are a few where I gave up trying to understand. I'll let a braver soul 'rout' (argh) that package out of someone else's trousers. Preferably while staring at a set of twelve hot legs.

Amie Stuart said...

>>"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.

My personal fave *ggg*

KaguraShinra said...

It's really "bazaar" to read these, but they sure make me feel better about my own writing. I think my fav is:

"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."

Anyone who can write dialogue like that is tops in my book! Damn it's time for my onion oil bath and the damn glycerones in the thermoperamulator are overheating again. Well, you know how it is.

Sherri said...

Thank God, there is hope for me!

Christine Allison said...

The most difficult part of reading these was suppressing my laughter! My 8-5, M-F mortgage paying time consuming employer would not have understood gales of alughter from my office. My eyes watered so hard from holding back my contacts popped out. I feel SO much better about the pages i am getting ready to submit! Thank-you!
Christine A

Elizabeth B said...

Why? you donut like my righting??? These very speciel things which had been said are the Crown of Glory on allthe respiring riters of the World.