3.27.2006

Calling for the Clue Gun

Aren't all agents lazy and slow in responding to anything?

Especially Manuscripts?

Unless an established writer tips them off to something amazing...agents just stay in bed? If it's similar to the Da Vinci Code then they'll buy.

These days ficiton is a no-no.

Yes or No.



No.

41 comments:

srchamberlain said...

Well, I don't know about "ficiton", but good spelling is always in style.

I hope Miss Snark has made the necessary upgrades to her clue gun. I don't think anything short of Uzi is going to work on this fella.

jta said...

I've been trying to get an agent to buy my book for 37 years. I'm still waiting for an answer... Am I missing something?

Are dipsticks a no-no?

Yes or no.

Greta LaGarbeaux said...

I detect the low, bitter moan of the writerius frustrati, a signal of repetitive rejection syndrome, commonly heard under conditions of extreme self-doubt. Possibly exacerbated by several big honkin' buckets of beer.

Lizzy said...

I really need to read these titles slower. I thought Miss Snark entitled this one "Calling for the Glue Gun."

Cheryl Mills said...

This sounds like someone who forgot the SASE.

Oops. Miss Snark's hair is on fire.

Anonymous said...

Damn. That is a question only a mother could love.

Anon

Anonymous said...

Yes, sir, the reason an agent hasn't bought his fiction is because the agent is lazy.

Or perhaps it's because agents don't buy manuscripts.

Miss Snark, bring on the Clue Cannon.

McKoala said...

I have no idea what you've just answered.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Well, I got a rejection today. It came from an agent to whom I didn't submit, from an agency about which I know nothing. I don't see that as being lazy. That's industrious!

Actually, I think the agent I queried moved on, the agency changed its name or merged with another, and they finally got back to me after five months.

Nice form letter though, as form letters go. I was thinking of copying it and making a bookseller's rejection letter.

"You sent me an order with payment in Rupees. Unfortunately that's not right for me. This says nothing about your reading ability, and another bookseller might find your rupees perfectly acceptable. Please feel free to send exciting new orders in the future for us to consider. We wish to encourage new readers. Just pay with US dollars. Thanks!" Works for me. How about you?

Hey, ficition sounds good. Can you eat it? Will it make you fat? Is it any thing like Chococolate?

rachel said...

Ha ha! A "Cluezi", you mean!

Chesya said...

This has to be a joke. Right?

Anonymous said...

Fiction a no-no? Then what exactly was the Da Vinci code? I've yet to find Robert Langdon in the administration of the University he's supposed to teach at...

Anonymous said...

Whaaaat? Someone actually THINKS all Agents are [gulp] lazy?

I can't think of any other group of hard working individuals than you. Except of course, back in the day, door-to-door salespersons.

May I suggest you take their less-than-worthy comment and stiletto the hell out of it? After which, pass it along to KY for some late-night chomping (it might also keep his canines sharp).

Miss Snark, I'm sending you a truckload of gin. You should be receiving your first shipment any minute now. You deserve such rewards for your pavement-pounding tenacity and dedication to a world we fiction writers dream about in red, white and blue.

DanStrohschein said...

This guy doesn't have a clue does he? Agents are some of the busiest people I think I have ever seen. They work ALL THE TIME - that means weekends, nights, AND days.

Another sign of another bitter writer who couldn't get their manuscript to sell and gave up too soon.

kitty said...

Either that letter is a joke or an insult.

Anonymous said...

Naw, sounds like he/she is just fishing for something to stir up his/her stagnant life. Judging by the responses, he/she did well.

But greta said it better. Miss greta, you are very cool.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised by the comments above. So many bootlicking writers out there. "Agents are so busy/Agents work so hard!" Good grief.

Miss Snark said...

We do work hard.
We're not that busy.
There is a distinction.
I've posted about this before in case you care to look.

I do take exception to characterizing anyone here as a bootlicker. The only true bootlicker here answers to "Killer Yapp" and he's a lot busier than I am.

Stacy said...

Lazy agents who don't represent Stephen King probably make no money. At all. That's my 2 cents.

Eileen said...

Here's the thing- publishing from agents to editors moves at a different speed. We're a society now used to sending off emails and getting a response right away. We call and expect a message back within 24 hours. Publishing is not a business of immediate gratification. Here is the scary thing- once you find an agent, and once the agent sells your book, from contract to publication is typically 12-18 months. You might as well sit back now, start your next project, and slip Killer Yapp a cookie. You're going to wait. If you don't like waiting- pick another industry.

Anonymous said...

MS--I accept censure on the distinction b/w working hard and being busy.
Re. the bootlicking writers: Several of the above posts are genuinely sycophantic, e.g. "Agents work ALL THE TIME?"
Come on, Miss Snark.

December Quinn said...

I, too thought at first it said "Calling for the Glue Gun." Blame being up all night with a wriggly, fussy toddler, but I got a little excited. I thought we'd all make some decorative picture frames together. :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised by the comments above. So many bootlicking writers out there. "Agents are so busy/Agents work so hard!" Good grief.

You try struggling through a slush pile that grows with hundreds of manuscripts and/or query letters daily and see how long you can keep going.

jta said...

Dear Surprised Anonymous,

All I'm trying to do is find an agent who'll get their lazy ass out of bed and buy my frictional navel. I don't like the taste of boots, even black patent thigh-highs with stiletto heels (although I'm willing to try anything once)and therefore I can only invite you to reconsider your opinion as you're inserting it into its appropriate place.

Thick dickweed around here. Must be time to mow. Yes? No?

Anonymous said...

Just a sample clue for those who appear clue-free:

Agents don't buy novels

Anonymous said...

Let me pontificate a bit. Generalizations suck. They are never true of all, or even the majority.

As with every other group of people, some agents are hardworking while others are lazy-ass 'w'itches. Some are meticulous and efficient, some couldn't manage a refrigerator. A few are scammers, the majority aren't. Some bend over to be polite, some are snarky, some downright rude or worse - forever silent retainers of SASEs.

Would be great if we could all regard them, not as omnipotent guardians of the publishing moat and drawbridge, but ordinary people doing an ordinary job, who operate with the undeniable advantage of having the demand for what they offer outstrip the supply by several thousand percent.
C.

Anonymous said...

"frictional navel"? jta, I'm trying to have lunch here, not exhale it.

Anonymous said...

"Cluezi!" Love it, rachel. I'll use it, too.
C.

jta said...

NOW you tell me.

bookfraud said...

funny, the agents were all quite prompt in rejecting me. didn't seem lazy at all, even if they're working in bed. lazy ones go hungry, that is for sure.

editors, well, that's another matter.

James Aach said...

FYI: I have published a commentary on why I believe Literary Agents in general don't care for fiction related to science and technology. (It's not because they are lazy). See http://www.lablit.com/article/83

Eva said...

Come on, Anon. No one claimed ALL agents work hard.

Most writers tend toward one of two camps: they either admire agents and see them as helpmates toward fulfilling their dreams, or they hate them and see them as barriers. Usually the hopeful belong to the first and the discouraged to the second. Sounds like you're discouraged.

Any way you can rekindle hope? Start a new project?

Corn Dog said...

"These days ficiton is a no-no."

These days not using a spell checker and writing in baby talk is a no-no, no-no.

Signed, Pontificating Bootlicker and when I'm not doing that I'm trying to write some fiction.

relly said...

I think for me the funniest bit is that IdiotWriter sent this in as if s/he actually expected some kind of an answer. As if Miss Snark was going to go, "Damn, you've caught me! All agents are just lying twerps. Shhhh, don't tell anybody. Good catch!" Snerk.

Nobody said...

The only true bootlicker here answers to "Killer Yapp" and he's a lot busier than I am.

Imagine my confusion when I read this as "bustier than I am."

yossarian said...

"buy my frictional navel."

Got sandpaper in your bellybutton?

Carter said...

Oh, come on, Miss Snark! We all know editors pay you under the table for not sending them manuscripts to clutter up their offices. How else do you make any money since you're too lazy to read the queries you get?

ATTENTION ALL CLUE-SERS!!

This is called sarcasm. It is a valid device for getting an agent's attention. Be sure to use it heavily in all query letters to stand out from the crowd. Don't bether with the SASE, agents will stand in line to lick your boots and buy your ficitional novel when they see how talented and literate you are.

E. Ann Bardawill said...

"I do take exception to characterizing anyone here as a bootlicker. "


*coughs**

**looks guilty**

**removes tongue from stiletto leather pump**

**slinks away**

Carter said...

Imagine my confusion when I read this as "bustier than I am."

Well, he DOES wear a pink tam. Draw your own conclusions.

Termagant 2 said...

We hopeful or frustrated writers can clear this up by demanding one thing: all lazy agents must wear pink tams to identify themselves. We will therefore get busy sending our frictitionalized body parts to the pink-tam-free agents who actually work.

Sheesh, club! Get thee to a cluery.

T2

Anonymous said...

The only way an agent can make money is by selling books. If an agent doesn't sell books, then they make no money. Therefore, a lazy agent equals a very poor (financially speaking) agent. I know unethical agents, I know crazy agents, I know agents who aren't very bright, but I don't know any lazy agents.