"I've cracked it," said Bat Segundo. "I'm going to g-query Miss Snark."

He helped himself to a large scotch, and topped it up with coke. Barbarian.

"You're what?" I asked. My plans to do some creative accountancy that afternoon were about to be derailed.

"She doesn't take e-queries, yanno, by e-mail, but now she's got a g-mail account, so I'll send it to that. G-query." He waited for my congratulations. They didn't come.

"I'm a bit busy," I said, "so I probably shouldn't ask, but what's g-mail? Isn't it just regular e-mail with a 'g' in front?" I looked out of the window. The local canine dressage show had been disrupted by a gang of feral tabbies. The promenading poodles were now in a complete
muddle, hemmed in by the alley cats - would an added 'g' make any difference to them? G-poodle, galleycat? It would never catch on.

"It worked for Lewis Carroll," said Bat, as if reading my thoughts.

"The guy who wrote "Alice in Wonderland?"

"Yeah. He added a "G" and became Mr Waverley from UNCLE."

"I think that you'll find that he was Leo," I said, sighing. I had to do those accounts.

"No, he was Aquarius. Born in late January. I remember dad telling me before he went to sea."

"Your dad is in the Navy?" I met Bat way back. We studied theatre together at Maryland, we had much in common: memories of the Terrapin roar; of the greasepaint smell; of the crowd that we drank with, but I knew nothing of his family.

"No, he's a fisherman. Mom used to be in the military though. She loved the uniform. She still wears it when they go dancing at the Dew Drop Inn."

"Your mother wears army boots to the Dew Drop Inn? Now I've heard almost..." I still couldn't believe it. Wearing boots to the Dew Drop!

"...everything. And give me ten... Books don't cook themselves, you know."

He was still there when I came out of the office an hour later, although most of the scotch wasn't. I'd given his g-plan a bit of thought.

"Some people won't like it," I said. "AOL for one. 'Gaol' is an old spelling of 'jail'."

"Don't speak ill of the ISP," Bat warned. "Anyway, there's other letters. They could use 'W'."

"Wright on! Then I could speak 'Will of the Wisp'."

"I do believe he's got wit," said Bat. His speech was slurred.

"Why Miss Snark anyway? Is it just for the fame?"

"I'm a loyal snarkling," he said. "I've already got an in with her."

"And now you'll have a 'gin' with her. And if I'm such a 'wit', that would make you a..."

"Watch your language," snarled Bat. "I'm actually feeling a bit..."

He slumped to the floor.

"So now you're b-mailing Miss Snark?" I asked him. "It won't work," I added. "Take 'bunion'. Is that a b-Onion, or a b-Union?"

But Bat was away with the pixies.

b-rilliant! I love this. "Canine dressage show"..!!!!
Scoring to come


kitty said...

God, that was clever!

Elektra said...

This one is my favourite yet!

bookfraud said...

great entry. bat can get a g-agent (or "gagent").

Cheryl Mills said...

Great use of the odd phrases.

J. Carson Black said...

That was hilarious! Beautifully done!

Erin O said...

I love it! This one really made me laugh. My favorite one yet. :)

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious! I love it!

JLB said...

"Wright on! Then I could speak 'Will of the Wisp'."

So clever!! I really enjoyed this one. :)

California Jackson said...

Love the creative use of the supplied phrases. Very clever.

California Jackson said...

I know I commented once already, but I gave the nod to a couple of others and, to keep the "popular appeal" in scale, I have to give you double votes. The use of g-mail to set up galleycat; the consistently unique application of the required phrases... I'm amazed you managed to do all that and still get your entry in by number 12. Multo cudos.

Eika said...

This one was excellent.

December Quinn said...

I love this one!

spaulson said...

Extra points for verbal creativity.

inkwolf said...

Brilliant wordplay!

Molly said...

SOOOO clever. Wow.

Pepper Smith said...

I believe this one's my favorite out of the bunch.

What a fun afternoon's reading!

Nightfahl said...

very very good! (^_^)

pennyoz said...

I love the idea and I got sucked into the mood, but I got "muddled" in the middle. If a cat really has got nine lives, I'd say give it two lives and it will be more careful with them. Shortened this would have been Brilliant.
I have two favorites in this lot.
One of them is already disqualified. The other is on a trapeze leaving me wondering how its going.
I am saying about the above so you can all see where I personally am coming from.

Anonymous said...

Tentative score: The full 78, plus five for *killer* funny, and I can't wait to see how this one does in the final analysis! Extra points for being so quickly clever, too...


Doug Hoffman said...

Nice usage of "Drop everything and give me ten . . . books" ;)

jjhalloween said...

I can't imagine they get any better than this. If they do, I'm glad I didn't read about the contest until too late. I would pale (pail?) in comparison.

Anonymous said...

Strewth, I missed this one!
*chomps Elsie's fingers*

It's a wonderful winner - congratulations - BRILLIANT!

Anonymous said...

Bravo, and thank you to the author! Days later, I'm still laughing.

domi said...

I'm not absolutely sure what it was I just read, but it was absolutely hilarious...and gave me the hiccups!