Lady Eugenia Bunion-Snark (nee Tiffany Brittany Pugh)was enjoying her first major hissy fit of the dayyelling at her legal counsel, F. Lee Terrapin (of the Faulkin Island Terrapins) on his private number 1-800-LEGAL-SCREW. $8.99/minute, but she could affordit.
"Of course, Tiff...I mean Lady Eugenia, I am happy that you could drop everything and give me ten...books, uh, bucks, uh minutes of your precious time. Tell me the problem."
Lady B-S was a lawyer’s dream. She lived to sue the ass off everyone. She had settlements from everyone from the gay pride ensemble whose promenading poodles left tiny footprints on her perfect front lawn; to the tabloid which had printed a muddle of rumors regarding little Tiffany Brittany’s alleged upbringing on a nudist commune. So what if your mother wears Army boots (and nothing else) was Terrapin’s thinking, but apparently Lady B-S felt it necessary to protect her new image.
"Tell you the problem? Have you not seen the news? Have you not read the birth announcements?"
Yeah, well, no. Terrapin had glanced at the headlines and was excited to see that Millionaire Scam Literary Agent William Will (of the Wisp Wills, not to be confused with the honest but broke Swizzlestick Wills) was found crushed under a mountain of unsold manuscripts. Terrapin, eager to get out of the lawyer business, had sent Will his first novel titled
(tentatively) Roar of the Greasepaint, Smell of the Crowd and a check for $65 to cover the "reading fee." He hoped his 100,000 word contribution had helped to smother the scamming bastard.
"Birth announcements? Lady Eugenia, are you having a baby? Is this the Blessed Event I was hoping for...do we have a forthcoming lucrative paternity suit?"
"Don’t be absurd! I have a movie to finish and I’m pitching my reality series. I can’t be pregnant now! Of course I’ll have a baby one day. Or at least a frozen embryo. And when I do, I intend for my baby to have the most creative, the most original name. Look at all the names already taken...Apple. Coco. Now I just read that Kal-el has been grabbed. You have to stop this! My possible future progeny can’t have a "pre-owned name."
"You want me to sue the baby to get back the name?"
"No, idiot. I want you to copyright, or trademark, or whatever the name I have chosen."
"Which is what?" Terrapin smirked. This should be good for another major billable expense.
"Bat Segundo," Lady B-S said. "Bat Segundo is definitely who my possible future progeny will be. If you let this get away, I will fire you in less than a billable minute."
"Very original. My ex-wife always wanted a baby named Alley Cat. Or was it Galleycat?"
"Yeah, well, who cares, right? Now get busy on this."
Before beginning his work for a possible future client named Bat Segundo Bunion-Snark, Terrapin needed a break.
He looked at the morning’s headline again. Millionaire William Will Succumbs To Manuscript Overexposure; Widow Devastated. ("If only he had accepted email manuscripts," she cries.)
Nothing like a freshly devastated rich widow to take my mind off things, Terrapin thought. He dialed her up. "Mrs. Will. I am so sorry for your loss. Anything I can do to help?"
Bat Secundo Bunion-Snark!!
"pre owned names"??
Miss Snark is laughing so hard she's had to call for upholstery cleaning.
Thank dog this is New York, and that service is available 24/7.
DISQUALIFIED FOR WORD COUNT: 550