It seemed that no one noticed when Ron and Hermione ducked beneath the bleachers at the Tricounty Winter Quidditch Cup. The snitch had just zipped past, bright and glittery as any will of the wisp, then zigged instead of zagged, causing Lee Gordon to collide with Katie Bell, rupturing her bunion. Amidst the general muddle, whilst Gordon called Bell an uncoordinated galleycat and Bell called Gordon a dimwitted terrapin, Ron and Hermione slipped away, fleeing from the roar of the greasepaint, smell of the crowd to find respite in each others arms.

Ron heard his professors hurrying down the bleachers. He peeked out between the benches.

"Look at ‘em, Hermione. Like a swarm of promenading poodles."

"Look at me, Ron Weasley."

He turned, duly noting that his classmate had lifted her skirts and lowered her knickers in a most inviting way. This was no time for snark.

She licked her lips. "Drop everything and give me ten . . . books."

"Oh, yeah," said Ron, grinning. "I know this game. Thaumaturgy, by Bat Segundo."

A shiver passed through Hermione's half-naked, prone form. "Get down there, you freckled oaf."

God, he loved it when she belittled him. He knelt in front of her, hitching her thighs (luscious as griffin milk) over his shoulders. "Practical Magick, by Elvira Stump."

"Yes, Weasley, yes. More books, you simpering redheaded moron!"

Ron took a quick breath of air. "A Scholar's Guide to Dragon-rearing."

"Go on, pendejo."

"Mmphmmphmm," Ron said.

"Twit, don't talk with your mouth full."

"I said, Moore's Alchymical Potions."

"Your mother wears Army boots!"

"Horatio Hunch's Wand Care and Maintenance."

"Not that you would know about wands, Weasley. Yours is a twig."

"Blotchworth's Lore of Gryffindor."

"Yes . . ."

"History of the Dark Arts."

"Yuuuuuuh . . ."

Ron rose for air yet again. "Well you don't have to bloody yodel. Philista's Necromancy."

"Ohgawd ohgawd ohgawd!"

Hermione collapsed backward, panting. "Eight books. That was only eight. You never make it to ten."

Ron would have replied, but at that precise instant, Harry Potter doffed his Cloak of Invisibility and said, "Guys, that was really gross."

Miss Snark wondered what fan fiction looked like. Now she knows.

Scoring to come.


Anonymous said...

Oh, dear.

Anonymous said...

Sneak that one into one of the Harry Potter books at the next release. Right on top of the stack that Wally-World builds in the front door. It would be good for one of those Wal-Mart-parking-lot-all-week-camping-fourteen-year-old-I'm-bustin'-down-the-barrier-tape-at-one-minute-past-midnight-geeks to read. And, it would even be better for the parent that encourages them in all their geekiness.

Inkwolf said...

Well, Miss Snark doesn't read fan-fic, so I think I'll offer critique. :P

Your writing skills put your fic in the very top rung for readability.

The subject matter may endear you to R/H shippers, but the walking, wounded, bitter castaways of the HMS Harmony would be happy to spit upon your grave. Beware of them and their anvils!

If your fic is parodic in intent, I have to ding you several points for lack of Mary Sues, strange alternative ships, bizarre non-canon theories, male pregnancies, characters from unrelated books, and maudlin, tear-jerking scenes of angst and tragedy.

I'm sure that you would be more than capable of working up an enthusiastic fanbase on any of the online fan fiction sites which allow adult material. I'm afraid you'd be banned right off the face of CoSForums, though. (Give me your IP, and I could ask Morgoth to ban you in advance!)

And I fear that you will never work your way up to the heady thrill of having your work listed on Godawful.net


Sam said...

LOL - fun and funny - I might actually start to like Harry Potter books again.

Lauren said...

despite being a member of fandom which i praise you for. i must condem the use of 'bleachers' in a British set piece. We call them the stands!!!

Anonymous said...

Filthy yet fabulous.

Anonymous said...


lucy said...

I'm just grateful that this writer isn't a fan of Pooh and Piglet.

JLB said...

That gave me some of the greatest laughs yet!!!!! (But I won't be sharing it with my little sister!)

Nightfahl said...

I'm..I'm so disturbed now...

Anonymous said...

Anyone care to join me for a penicillin shot after reading that one?