It seemed that no one noticed when Ron and Hermione ducked beneath the bleachers at the Tricounty Winter Quidditch Cup. The snitch had just zipped past, bright and glittery as any will of the wisp, then zigged instead of zagged, causing Lee Gordon to collide with Katie Bell, rupturing her bunion. Amidst the general muddle, whilst Gordon called Bell an uncoordinated galleycat and Bell called Gordon a dimwitted terrapin, Ron and Hermione slipped away, fleeing from the roar of the greasepaint, smell of the crowd to find respite in each others arms.
Ron heard his professors hurrying down the bleachers. He peeked out between the benches.
"Look at ‘em, Hermione. Like a swarm of promenading poodles."
"Look at me, Ron Weasley."
He turned, duly noting that his classmate had lifted her skirts and lowered her knickers in a most inviting way. This was no time for snark.
She licked her lips. "Drop everything and give me ten . . . books."
"Oh, yeah," said Ron, grinning. "I know this game. Thaumaturgy, by Bat Segundo."
A shiver passed through Hermione's half-naked, prone form. "Get down there, you freckled oaf."
God, he loved it when she belittled him. He knelt in front of her, hitching her thighs (luscious as griffin milk) over his shoulders. "Practical Magick, by Elvira Stump."
"Yes, Weasley, yes. More books, you simpering redheaded moron!"
Ron took a quick breath of air. "A Scholar's Guide to Dragon-rearing."
"Go on, pendejo."
"Mmphmmphmm," Ron said.
"Twit, don't talk with your mouth full."
"I said, Moore's Alchymical Potions."
"Your mother wears Army boots!"
"Horatio Hunch's Wand Care and Maintenance."
"Not that you would know about wands, Weasley. Yours is a twig."
"Blotchworth's Lore of Gryffindor."
"Yes . . ."
"History of the Dark Arts."
"Yuuuuuuh . . ."
Ron rose for air yet again. "Well you don't have to bloody yodel. Philista's Necromancy."
"Ohgawd ohgawd ohgawd!"
Hermione collapsed backward, panting. "Eight books. That was only eight. You never make it to ten."
Ron would have replied, but at that precise instant, Harry Potter doffed his Cloak of Invisibility and said, "Guys, that was really gross."
Miss Snark wondered what fan fiction looked like. Now she knows.
Scoring to come.