4.26.2006

Be Miss Snark (beverage alert)

Dear Ms. Roth,



Thank you for your query letter. I have decided to overlook the fact that you did not post your e-query to the designated address of uranitwit@wtf.com. Your story of necrophilia and bestiality sounds horrifyingly at odds with Christian, Jewish, and every other type of mainstream religious belief. I would also say that you have expanded the genre of paranormal romance--expanded it to new lows, that is. I sincerely hope that the only reason Father Greeley heard anything about this book is that you went to confession after writing it.



Please send me the original and every other copy of the work that you have. I will hire an illiterate person to set fire to all the copies. The ashes will be sent to Grandmother Snark's farm for use as fertilizer. On behalf of all humanity, I must ask you to never set pen to paper again. Failure to comply with this request may result in the dispatch of a fierce (yet impeccably well-dressed) poodle to your address, which you have so helpfully supplied me with.



Sincerely,

14 comments:

Carter said...

Oh, the humanity!

What word can you use when "nitwit" isn't enough? One that you can say in polite company, I mean. I know several of the other sort already. "Fuckwit" springs to mind in letters of fire.

just Joan said...

LOL! That was great! Thank you for posting the beverage alert. Had I been trying to swallow liquid at the time of reading, I most certainly would have choked or spewed said liquid across my laptop.

Congrats to the person who wrote this gem!

HawkOwl said...

Dang. It rocked until I got to the split infinitive. And then the letter ends with a preposition. :)

JLB said...

Thanks for the laugh Miss Snark!

Minge said...

Outrageously fabulous.

Or fabulously outrageous...!?!?

Ralph said...

Brilliant, but more than 100 words.

-ril said...

Looks like we have a winner. Excellent; and I think we'll all need to go to confession after this...

joy said...

OMG! Been there, please don't crucify me. I'm in recovery!-;)

joy said...

Yes, that's the way they do it but we must, we must, we must keep moving on to the next ...

good luck

joy

ann said...

Brilliant!

Heather said...

ROFL!

Elektra said...

But wait--what happened to the word count rule? I agonized over it this time!!!

down_not_out said...

Dear God,

I love you.

RKF

awest said...

I was the one who submitted this post, and after reading over it again & people's comments on it, I'm actually regretting writing it. While it was a very nitwitted thing for this author to send an e-query to this blog, I think I may have crossed the line from witty repartee to cruel mockery. This author, while having committed an act of rampant nitwittery, did not deserve the harshness of my reply. I apologize for having written it.