ah yes, the mail. Today's trophies include:
1. box of cookies. Ok, yum. Wait. Too bad it's a good query letter cause now what happens if I ask for more. Is a box of cookies rolling through the door every time we have communication? What will she expect same from me? Decision: not quite right.
2. Plush toy bear. Nice. Wait. What the fuck am I going to do with this? It will be just my luck that Killer Yapp will eat the eyes, and choke to death. Or worse, some maurading author will do the same. Decision: not quite right
3. Lovely flower vase and flowers. Oh too bad, it tipped over on my carpet and created a wet spot the size of Lake Louise. Right on the day we have people coming in for a visit. "Hi, welcome, no that isn't from the dog". Decision: no, not quite right for me, and Killer Yapp wants a piece of your ass.
Bottom line: leave the bribes for the guys at Page Six. All you do is ruin any chance you have for serious consideration. Bribes work against you. Good writing works in your favor. Get it?