Miss Snark Considers the Mail Bag

ah yes, the mail. Today's trophies include:

1. box of cookies. Ok, yum. Wait. Too bad it's a good query letter cause now what happens if I ask for more. Is a box of cookies rolling through the door every time we have communication? What will she expect same from me? Decision: not quite right.

2. Plush toy bear. Nice. Wait. What the fuck am I going to do with this? It will be just my luck that Killer Yapp will eat the eyes, and choke to death. Or worse, some maurading author will do the same. Decision: not quite right

3. Lovely flower vase and flowers. Oh too bad, it tipped over on my carpet and created a wet spot the size of Lake Louise. Right on the day we have people coming in for a visit. "Hi, welcome, no that isn't from the dog". Decision: no, not quite right for me, and Killer Yapp wants a piece of your ass.

Bottom line: leave the bribes for the guys at Page Six. All you do is ruin any chance you have for serious consideration. Bribes work against you. Good writing works in your favor. Get it?


Anonymous said...

Okay, no candy. No, watery plants and no toys. So, must write book and spice up page six.

Okay, got it.

jan said...

Oh man. Guess that bottle of gin was not the right thing then. Dangit.

Elektra said...

When people are that nittwittish, but clearly have talent (like the cookie person), do you ever clue them in? Or just give it up as lost?

Anonymous said...

Oh, darn. I was going to put in a lottery ticket, but now I see it as a bad move.

If you won the big prize chances are you'd give up being an agent and run off with Mr. Clooney.

If I used the ticket and won, then I'd have no more need to bleed all over my keyboard each day and use the cash to buy my own island. (Being afraid of heights even a faux ivory tower is not on my writer's wish list.)

Drat, now I'll just have to write a really good book and hope for the best.

Mark said...

Reminds me of visiting day at Central Casting. They finally had to ban bribes...I mean gifts.

Anonymous said...

But suppose your book is called Great Cookie Recipes or How to Make Your Own Steiger Knock-off in One Difficult Lesson?


Lady M said...


No toys?!?

Darn it... Now I guess I can't send those ________fill in the blank_____ adult things...


Sarcasm - folks - Sarcasm.

I honestly do wonder if people send those kinds of things to agents/editors/etc. in the hopes that it will spice things up for them.


Lady M

Eileen said...

I hear agent types really like it when you include glitter in your query letter. It shows that your writing sparkles.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

So, this means I can't bribe Anna Genoese with cookies? Dang!

Sam said...

Taking the wrapping and ribbon off Geoarge Clooney.
Well, if she's going to be like that...

Anonymous said...

I read this post yesterday and as I was going to sleep last night I remembered it and thought, "Nah, that must have been a joke -- people don't really send presents with their submissions, do they?" I vowed to reread it today and it looks like they really do...but I have to say that this practice is very hard for me to understand, and I mean Very.

Anonymous said...

Once I sent a bag of M&Ms with a manuscript, because someone told me that the editor loved those. She rejected the manuscript, but didn't send back the M&Ms. Shouldn't it be like an engagement ring, where if you accept you get to keep the ring? Should I ask for my M&Ms back?

Looking back, I realize how amateurish this was. Right along with the manuscript box I put it in, wrapping at least a mile of tape around the box just in case it should open in the post office. And let's not forget the silly pink sheets of paper between each chapter (not scented, of course. I'm not that silly!)

Funny thing is that she ended up being my editor several years down the road, when she changed houses. We had a good laugh about it. Apparently I'm not the only nitwit who later grew up and became one of her writers.


Anonymous said...

I've been vocal with my co-workers about my efforts to be a published novelist, and one of them came up with a brilliant idea. "Why don't you include a gift with your query letters?" she asked. Of course I told her, "No, No, No. That's VERY frowned upon." Thank goodness I've been researching query etiquette, but I'll bet a lot of writers haven't.