Miss Snark is deep into her slush pile today. Herewith some choice morsels:
1. I want you to publish my novel
2. Having read your website carefully, I think you are just the right agent for my (insert category that is listed on the "what we don't do" side of things).
3. I just finished my novel/my novel is almost done.
4. I published this myself and sold x copies and now I want a crack at a big publisher.
5. Everyone tells me I'm a born storyteller and I should write a book, so I did!
6. Dear Submissions Department
7. Impactful. I'll give you a pass on "safety deposit box"; but impactful is not a word and if you think it is, I don't want to work with you.
8. I'll call to follow up/I'll have my assistant call to follow up. If you do, you and/or your assistant is going to get a very puzzled response. Don't call to follow up on query letters. Ever. WRITE to follow up. No exceptions. Even email.