I am not certain if you will find this as amusing as I did, but on the off-chance it will brighten your day as your blog continuously enlightens mine, I decided that I would send it to you. I currently work at a corporate law office, and usually have to deal with a completely different brand of nitwittery. However, I just had a conversation that I think was more along your line.
Me: "Sparkly, Shiny, and Stupid Things*, how may I help you?"
Me: "How may I help you?"
Caller: "Uh, yeah...I'd like to get my book published?"
Me: *holding in the laughter* "I'm sorry, this is a sparkly, shiny, and stupid things office. We wouldn't be able to help you with that."
Me: "But off-hand, I can suggest that you look into getting an agent, or looking up publishing companies online."
Caller: "Yeah, thanks."
Me: *Points at the phone and starts cracking up*
So out of morbid curiosity, tell me, have you ever had to deal with an inquiry by phone? Just how fast would he have been laughed out of town if he actually had managed to connect to the correct party?
I trust that Killer Yapp will accept some home-made chocolate chip cookies, and that you enjoy, if not my story, then the pint of gin sent along with my regards.
Sadly, KY is still a dog, and thus unable to eat chocolate. Miss Snark bravely takes on the role of chocolate chip cookie tester. She will be glad to discuss your efforts. Each cookie is rated separately so plan on a dozen at least.
(wiping mouth with sleeve)
1. "Do you accept phone queries"
2. "Are you still alive"
3. "I'll be in New York on Tuesday, can I meet you"/"I'm in your lobby, why won't your security guy let me in"
4. "Where are you?"
5. "I have a great idea, do you know any writers"
6. "I'm calling a few select agents to see who's interested in bidding on my project"
7. "This is the NY Public Library. We'd like to speak to you about a patron named K. Yapp who seems to have returned a book on "obedience for people"with tooth marks...and something that looks like a torn pink tam"
8. "Are you an agent?"
9. "Are you a girl or a man"
and my all time favorite call from "an agent referral service" which I get about once a year:
AR: we keep lists of all the active agents and have 20 questions to ask you
MS: Do you charge people money"
AR: some of our lists are free
MS: Don't list me, please
AR: all the agents want to be listed with us.
MS: A minus one then; don't list me
AR: We'll just list you as non-responsive
MS: Fuck off and die isn't non responsive. It's the response everyone is thinking when they talk to you.