One of those days

It's been of those days when, truly, the world would benefit from my retirement to a convent.

Convents and vows of silence being hard to find on short notice, Miss Snark instead prevailed upon her bosom buddies to retire to the nearest watering hole to commiserate.

Miss Snark was recounting her tale of woe and like all woe tales, it soon developed into a contest of woe woe woebegone, gently down a gin.

Here's one of my faves:

Agent Nice is briskly conducting biz on phone. Call waiting beeps. Agent asks her author to wait, picks up call. Muffled odd breathing. Hang up. Agent returns to author, conversation ensues.

Agent conferences in editor with author. Several important things on the agenda are covered. Call waiting beeps. Agent ignores.
Call waiting beeps again, agent ignores.

Call ends, agent picks up voice mail. Self important message starts with "I've carefully researched you and I need an agent, call me" followed by two minute pitch, followed by "I don't think a letter is really the way to go."

Agent deletes message.

Phone rings.
Agent answers.

(Well, of course, you know what happens.)

It's Mr. Self Important.
First words out of his mouth "I've been trying to reach you all morning; you're very hard to get a hold of."

(Miss Snark gives up trophy for woe of the day, but she's STILL wondering why "a letter isn't the way to go" on a query from "an established author". Maybe he'll research Miss Snark next and she'll find out!!)


kis said...

Retirement to a convent? Repeat after me: cloisterfuck... cloisterfuck... cloisterfuck...

Anonymous said...

...woe woe woebegone, gently down a gin.

Like it! So much better than the version my daughter dances along to...

(teenagers, eh?)

jude calvert-toulmin said...

Reading some of this stuff I think you deserve a medal simply for patience.

Do these idiots not realise that a)no matter what anyone's profession or position, lofty or low, everyone is deserving of the same respect? and b)if you expect your work to be treated seriously then you should present your work seriously, ie indicate that you have done some research into your subject matter (in this case, getting an agent.)

(shakes head) What are some of these people ON? :S

Jodi Meadows said...

That's just...creepy. Ew ew.

Anonymous said...

Now I feel all paranoid Jewish mama worried for you. Carry a bat where ever you go for the next week.

Anonymous said...

Kis, thank heavens I wasn't drinking anything when I read your comment. As it is, I had a rough time getting my jaw to swing back up to the closed position...

Val Tear said...

woe woe woebegone, gently down a gin

Miss Snark has turned a nursery rhyme into a blue refrain. There's no end to her.

Pixel Faerie said...

Oh my! Well, he did say he researched the agent. He did not say anything about researching manners or the proper way to submit mss.

Stuart said...

If you wanted to be really Evil, you'd pass his number to your friends so they can all call him to say "No" before he bothers them too. :)

kis said...

Ooh, stuart, that's an awesome idea! Preemptive phone rejections. Haha. Who knows, they might become the norm. :D

James Macdonald said...

I know the answer!

The gentleman read this advice:

Tip Eight: Call. That's right, Call. Introduce yourself. Be confident. Let them know your work is coming. It's the surest way to get out of that slush pile and on to a desk. Too afraid to call? Write out what you want to say, call AFTER HOURS, leave a voice message. It's not as good talking to a real person, but hey, it's better than nothing.

The poor daft bugger believed it.

Far more on the list of handy tips for writers that this nugget of good advice came from here.

Dave Kuzminski said...

Stuart, truly inspired! I think that's a good idea. P&E won't mind if that's used by any agents who find themselves stalked in that manner.

Aphrodite the Flighty said...

Oh Miss Snark,

Please, please, please tell us *exactly* what you said to this dimwit! I need a good laugh today.