5.30.2006

POD-dy Break!

Oh I love it when you all drop little tidbits of deliciousness at my emailbox, ring the bell and run.



Today at Pod-dy Mouth comes this VERY good suggestion:

Buy your agent flowers. Or a box of cigars. Or both.

I spent the majority of my Memorial Day weekend sitting in the sun, reading PODs (both digital and print) in an effort to catch up. Maybe it was the unbearable heat, but I cannot believe what a bad streak I am on. I've read 92 horrible books in a row. (MS: yowza!)

If you are blessed enough to have an agent--regardless of how influential he or she may be--give that person a gift. Or at least a hug. (MS: gift good. hug bad. repeat as often as needed)

Why? Because they spend countless hours sifting out decent books for a living. I can walk away anytime I want, but these professional folks depend on our trite, derivative ramblings to pay the bills. If my income was generated by finding hits among the misses, I 'd be completely insane by now. (MS: wait wait, I think she just called me deranged. KY: ya, so, like that's news?)

Not to mention livid.

Man, let me tell you: You've got to have a serious love of books to be able to read (and get past) stuff like this:

"Tracy was a cool cucumber. She had ice running through her veins and the erect nipples to prove it."


I stopped on page four.

"Crayton Hurgenbotther was not the man you'd think he was."


Probably. But after reading Hurgenbotther seven times in the first two pages I really didn't care; the book closed itself.

"She was sweeter than cherry pie, and as I moved my mouth to her pie and tongued her with all my might, her true flavor rushed upon me, a flood of molasses syrup."


Okay. So this guy's girlfriend might come in handy down at IHOP. But wouldn't cherry pie be sweeter than molasses? The visual here is not good. Page seven was my last.

Do you see? Vetting is much like torture. I want you guys to pick up the phone and call your agents and thank them for doing this miserable job. Editors have it easy; everything they get has already been cherry-picked and they would (probably) never have to suffer through the examples I listed above--because an agent somewhere did his or her job and found something better.

Next time you finish a book you absolutely loved, the kind of book you rush to tell your friends about, thank an agent--because, other than writing the book, the agent did the hardest part: They found it.



(Thanks to the "other" MS for the treat)

20 comments:

kis said...

Holy shit, the visual! A glut of blackish sludge oozing from, well, never mind.

Ow, ow, ow!

Too bad you can't gouge out your mind's eye.

Elektra said...

Why on Earth, even in erotica, was such graphic sex coming before page seven?

Amra Pajalic said...

"Tracy was a cool cucumber. She had ice running through her veins and the erect nipples to prove it."

This sentence is gold. Gold I say. Are you serious that the book wasn't good? I'm almost impressed with the imagination that it took to come up with this simile.

1234 said...

"She was sweeter than cherry pie, and as I moved my mouth to her pie and tongued her with all my might, her true flavor rushed upon me, a flood of molasses syrup."

The phrase 'tongued her with all my might' would have been a return-to-shelfer for me. The distinctly odd analogies merely made the nasty effect more obvious.

Anonymous said...

>Editors have it easy; everything >they get has already been cherry->picked and they would (probably) >never have to suffer through the >examples I listed above--because >an agent somewhere did his or her >job and found something better.

Alas, if only this were true for all editors. There are many - including the esteemed Miss Genoese, for example - who often read their own slush pile. Or at least as much of it as they can stand. The examples, however, are representative of how bad it can get. Sadly, some are much, much worse. Like the submissions that include explicit photos and offers for... trades.

Cheers,
R.

Mark said...

And yanno, (patent pending) they probably aren't even embrassed by that "effort."

Brenda Bradshaw said...

As soon as I stop laughing, I'll type my reply.

Simon Haynes said...

coming before page seven

Yeah, who'd put the climax that early in the novel?

M. G. Tarquini said...

"Tracy was a cool cucumber. She had ice running through her veins and the erect nipples to prove it."

Man! This has Bunion on Drinking Binge written all over it.

But it's not mine. I swear.

Anonymous said...

"her true flavor rushed upon me, a flood of molasses syrup."

This symptom indicates that the lady has acute diabetes and should be rushed to a doctor ASAP.

December Quinn said...

She was sweeter than cherry pie, and as I moved my mouth to her pie and tongued her with all my might, her true flavor rushed upon me, a flood of molasses syrup.

How distasteful.


That's one of the worst sex analogies I've seen. As kis said, the image of sticky, black molasses...it's just not good, and that "ice nipples" thing wasn't good either. Or "tongued her with all my might". I imagine him trying to drill through her sensitive bits with his tongue. Not very nice.

Anonymous said...

Well, clearly I need to keep writing because nothing I've written is quite *that* awful!
Thanks for the inspiration!

Back when I was attempting to finish my doctoral dissertation, I went to the library and unearthed a stack of really awful scholarly research -- and every time I was flooded with self-doubt and mortification,I went to my "at least mine's better than that" pile and was inspired to just finished my damned dissertation because "at least it was better than that."

I will be printing out the 'cool cucumber' sentence and tacking it up in my study -- to inspire me to finish my novel because Lord help us, I hope I write better than that.

Thomma Lyn said...

In a word: ewww.

Anonymous said...

Just when I thought I was through laughing. I can't take any more. I'm out of here. (-:

Georgia Girl

nir said...

People actually are forced to read that stuff? There should be laws against that. Cruel and unusual punishment and the like.

kis said...

You can't force someone to read anything--they can always rub stinging nettles on their eyeballs to avoid it.

And I wonder if Mr. Tongued-her-with-all-my-might ever sprained his pertinent part. And just how would you explain THAT one at the ER.

As for the nipples, if they were ice cold, wouldn't they be in danger of snapping off? And I think if Miss Cherry Pie has thick, brackish gloop where her pie should be, diabetes is the least of her worries.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE tell us that those are SUBMISSIONS and not actual, published BOOKS????? The snarklanguage seems to suggest that they were not manuscripts but volumes.....oh the horrah!!!!


O'side Steve

Gabriele C. said...

A certain agent should be tied to a chair and a certain webhost should be forced at gunpoint to read that muck to the agent 24/7.

kis said...

Oh you poor, innocent, anonymous bastard, of course they're published--they're self-published.

A. J. Luxton said...

"Tracy was a cool cucumber. She had ice running through her veins and the erect nipples to prove it."

I like that in a comedic sense. If it wasn't supposed to be comedic, well, I suppose that's the problem.

And as other readers suggested, Ms. Molasses had better get that checked out by a licensed gynecologist pronto.