6.16.2006

Auction results

Miss Snark felt the need to conduct an auction last night and several night owls were kind enough to bid on the rights to use a Snark Euphamism for "my agent sucked and I fired his sorry ass" in a query letter to new agents. You can sub license these rights of course.

Elektra bids:
The Crapometer shall usher in the Day of the Snark, during which all submissions must involve George Clooney, pink tams, or vast quantities of gin.
Additionally, the Cerberus in my WIP shall be renamed to Killus Yappus, and shall reform the Underworld with his New York savoir-faire


Miss Snark says: would Cerberus have pink tams on all three heads?



Ms Syrd bids
I bid a pleasant tropical breeze sent your way, about mid-January 2007.I would bid a fancy-schmancy golf vacation trip for you and Killer Yap to my home island in the tropical western Pacific, but Jack Abramoff isn't available to arrange the financing. Sorry!P.S. using my word verification-mssyrd-for id. A shortened "cute" version of Ms. Absurd-which in my case is just another way of saying clueless!P.P.S. Tell Killer Yap that there is a lovely tropical island in Micronesia called "Yap". I'm sure he'd be treated as royalty


Miss Snark says: here's a picture of Yap
Notice the conspicuous lack of gin joints and gambling dens, not to mention...sidewalks??? Miss Snark clutches her NFT, and murmurs "no no, I'll never leave home again"




"George-need I say more" bids:
my love



Miss Snark says: Monkey see...monkey do? Monkey guano from Curious George? ummm....no.





Rejected Writer bids:
I bid a native New Yorker who can find the state of Iowa on a map, an agent who doesn't drink, and an author for whom publishing is of tertiary consideration (after the simple joy of writing, and feeling good about one's self for just having actually written something).In other words, I offer you the impossible. And I promise it will come to you gift wrapped in a cleverly-constructed box made entirely of Bombay Sapphire miniatures.

Miss Snark
does not handle science fiction ergo must question the grip on reality of anyone offering an agent who does not drink. Also, I know where Iowa is. It's where the anvil salesman is ogling Marian's treble clef.






Dwight the Troubled Teen bids:
I bid metaphysically clairvoyant insight into man's constant turmoil in the struggle to free himself from the inhibitions that stifle a creative philosophy...Oh wait...And I'll throw in a pirate satellite decoder that unscrambles the porn channel.


Miss Snark says: you were in the running right up till you wanted to descramble the prom channel. Once was enough.



Virginia bids:
I bid a pail of that fancy cucumber gin I keep seeing advertised in The New Yorker.


Miss Snark says: only one pail? cheapskate.



Sha'el, Princess of Pixies bids:
I've taken inventory. All I have that's worthwhile is a used pacifier (been drooled on and chomped by the best), a box of unused preemie sized diapers, one talkative goat, and two stale Oreos. And my word verification code, "kaehkugn," which must be some sort of record.I don't win, do I?


Miss Snark says: well, no, but it's certainly an array of objets d'art worthy of the new Dada exhibit opening at MoMA this week.




Tori Scott bids:
I bid three George Clooney clones, one George Clooney original(who needs no formal training in anything since he's already perfect), a year's supply of gin, an assistant to read all snark-causing sub-standard submissions so you don't have to, and a year of free grooming for KY.


Miss Snark says: NOW we're talking!



Inkwolf bids:
Well, everyone's gonna bid George Clooney, so...I bid TWO George Clooney clones, one of whom has just written an absolutely surefire best-selling series of books, and the other of whom has just graduated from the Kama Sutra School of Sensual Massage and Dog Grooming.

Miss Snark says: Inkwolf, meet Tori; Tori meet Inkwolf. You're co-winners and I want all five Mr. Clooney's Fed Exed for Saturday delivery. It's been a TOUGH week.

17 comments:

Feisty said...

Now I'm really sorry I didn't bid.

Elektra said...

Rats! Foiled again!

Tori Scott said...

Ms. Snark, it is with my deepest regrets that I have to tell you this. George Clooney has gone missing. I was trying to stuff him in the Fed Ex box (that man is strong, btw), and he escaped. It's all my fault, really, as I neglected to tell him why I was kidnapping him and who I was sending him to. I'm sure he would have gone willingly had he known.

Alas, I can't find him anywhere so that I might set him straight. I hope you will accept my most humble apologies, and also accept this

http://www.clooneyfiles.com/pics/gallery/details.php?image_id=1462

by way of apology.

Tori

Manic Mom said...

Picture of YAP... I thought Yap was a dog? Maybe I've been hitting the bottle too hard lately... or not hard enough?

Anonymous said...

It's still "euphemism." Christ.

Anonymous said...

for manic mom:
Yap might be the name of a dog, or the sound of a dog.

However, this photo appears to be of the island of Yap in the Carolines, which is part of the Federated States of Micronesia.

These islands were once part of the U.N. Trust Territory of Pacific, which was administered by the U.S. The Federated States of Micronesia have a Compact of Free Association with the U.S.

Aside from being a tropical paradise, Yap is perhaps most famous (to me, anyway) for its stone coins. These coins had a hole in the middle. Some were small enough to carry around, but the large ones could be ten feet in diameter.

Inkwolf said...

Dear Miss Snark,

I sent the George Clone-ys, but I'm afraid I forgot to include an SASE. Lord knows what will happen when you get your hands on them...

Anonymous said...

To Dwight the Troubled Teen,
You poor thing. Miss Snark thought you were sending her a decoder for the PROM channel. Now that is a scary thought!

Signed anonymous, who doesn't need the porn channel either, unfortunately, because she has neighbors.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

I guess there's just not that much demand for used pacifiers.

Bill E. Goat: You mean you included me in your bid!??? How could you? I'm hurt to the bone.

Me: Bill, it was a joke. You know I couldn't part with you. ... That little French Alpine would miss you.

Bill: It was a cruel joke! I'm not talking to you anymore.

Me: Bill, your talking to me right now.

Bill: Humph

Me: Did I mention you need a bath?

Bill: So, let's soak in the hot tub!

Me: I was thinking more of the garden hose and castile soap. ... Bill, you get back here this minute!

Simon Haynes said...

You have to look very, very closely at the picture.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Well, I either have a vivid imagination, or that's pretty naughty.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Brought to you by the good folks at CNN, Prom channel. All Proms, 24 hours a day. Senseless interviews with prom queens. Behind the scenes in the boy's room, discreetly censored. Hidden microphones planted under the tables. Advice on how to get the date you want.

Bring back the memories! Be a wall-flower no more!

Featuring "Prom Queen for a Day" hosted by Katie Couric and George Clooney.

Available only in Brooklyn. Starting June 6, 2009.

Anonymous said...

Now I know my eyes are going - I don't see anything naughty in the picture, just that old man hugging bottles of whatever. What am I missing?

Tori Scott said...

Old man? OLD MAN?????

That "old man" is George Clooney.

Get 'er, Killer.

George - need I say more? said...

Monkey guano? If that's what you think of my love, then it's hardly surprising that I'm fighting the Fed Ex box!

Word verification: oeuvt. The medico who fixes your oeuvre.

Dwight The Troubled Teen said...

Actually, 'Nony, I wasn't sure of the terms of the contest.

I wasn't sure if she was looking for pseudo-bids, or if she was looking for a pithy comeback response on behalf of the writer whose agent went AWOL.

So I sent one example of each. The second one (edited out) made an off-color joke about underage book signing groupies, and Ms. Snark was not in the mood for off-color jokes at that late hour.

Hence, "Prom" not "Porn" was a little inside brush-back pitch, and a rather clever one, if you'll spot me the kiss-up.

Irreverence is not as revered as I remember.

(Personally, I think maybe the flame war she in which she was engaged with some anonymous d-bag on another topic may have skewed her humor bone at that moment-in-time, but I'll just touch respectful fingers to the brim of my porkpie hat, nod, and move along down the road.)

Chumplet said...

Okay, I still wanna know about this cucumber gin stuff! Who makes it? Where can we get it? Or do we just have to slice our own cucumber?
I didn't win.