6.11.2006

If Stephen King needs an agent?

Dear Awful One,

"Yanno, that's exactly what someone asked Stephen King three days before he received the National Book Award for outstanding contribution to American letters."


This makes me wonder, if Stephen King contacted you and said he needed a new agent, would you be his agent?



No. Not cause I don't like him or his work but because I am not competent to handle the complexity of his agenting needs. However, the NEXT Stephen King who comes over the transom, you bet. It's an entirely different matter to grow with a client, than take on one who already has a complex body of contracts and overlapping deals.

12 comments:

kitty said...

Why the "Dear Awful One" salutation? Did I miss something?

Jim Winter said...

Well, okay. I promised someone else an exclusive, but I can FedEx my ms to you tomorrow morning.

Sincerely,

The Next Stephen King

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Bill E. Goat is too shy to ask if you represent Goat SF/Fantasy, so he's enlisted me to write this.

He's sure he's the next Stephen King in goat guise. He's two chapters from completing The Planet of the Goat-Women. It's about a secret American space project from the late 1950s. They send a goat into space. The ship fails to orbit and is hopelessly lost. The poor goat goes into stasis and doesn't wake up until his capsule crashes on a distant planet, ten centuries after launch.

It seems that the planet is inhabited only by cute Nannies. Nothing like a cool doe to make hot days bearable. So, to rescue goat civilization everywhere he does his duty as the only male within ten parsecs.

Finally rescuing Goat civilization, he pines to return to earth. He takes his favorite young thing, their 400 children, and a lot of dried leaves (roughage is essential to goat-well being), and is launched around the planet's binary star system. Reaching ten times the speed of light, he and his are propelled back in time to earth. They arrive two days before the launch.

That there are two of him on earth at the same time threatens the fabric of the universe. One of them has to die, and it won't be him. Yes, that's a philosophical and spacial impossibility, but he does his best to figure it out.

In the end, he finds a moral justification for unexpected actions. After the dust settles, Earth is inhabited by free floating formerly human souls and lots and lots and lots of goats. The fabric of the universe is sewn back into place. The universe is safe for Goat kind. He merges into his double self, though it leaves the faintest seam down his neck.

So, that's about it, and Bill E. knows that this will outsell anything S. King has written.

Have Killer Yap email him and set him straight!

Miss Snark said...

Kitty, yea you did. It's a ways back now, but it's from a book I read. I thought it was pretty damn funny.

KillerYapp said...

Miss Snark says she likes goats, old goats particularly, but doesn't handle SF/F even Goat SFF. Maybe Goat Noir.

Bill W. Goat, esq. said...

Dear Mr. K. Yap:

I'll get right on it! I'm thinking of a 1930's sardonic Goat detective. I'll give him a lawyer-Goat sidekick named S. S. Van Goatski. He'll solve the unsolvable usually in out of the way, straight out of Europe, New York Mansions that can't possibly exist but do. He'll speak with a fake British accent, say "don't ya know," a lot, and find out why the key that wont fit in the lock really opened the door. ... Or something very like that.

He'll flirt with the slinky goat dames, kiss 'em and leave 'em sorta thing. But he never allows himself to become serious about any female ... of any species. Even cute French Alpines won't turn his head!

We'll make a hay bale of money!

Best,

B. E. Goat

kitty said...

"Goat Noir" ?

Sounds like an evening with my husband, I kid you not.

BarbJ said...

"Goat Noir" ?

Sounds like an evening with my husband, I kid you not.
___________________
Kitty - Please don't ever explain this. Imagination is so much fun.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Goats are horny guys. You do have to watch out for them.

There are many similarities between male goats and men too. The list is very long: questionable hygiene; self-absorption; odd habits; head turned by anything that wags its tail. And, yes, there's more, but we needn't discuss the rest.

What I'm saying here is, I understand how you could see a night with your husband and a Goat noir novel as similar.

mrfyoef said...

2 comments on goats.

My neighbors' goats like to roam everywhere. One has taken to climbing onto my front deck. He reeks. So goat-writer, don't forget to include smell in your detailed descriptions. (Just trying to be helpful.)

And goat is the symbol for Capricorns. I'm sure there's something deeply significant here.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Oh, yes. Male goats have scent glands. Smelly critters. Plus they ... well ... they pee on themselves. It's a goat thing. The girly goats think it makes them pretty.

Goats can be smelly, but they need love too. Don't they?

I was covering all this with the "questionalbe hygiene" comment.

jude calvert-toulmin said...

> No. Not cause I don't like him or his work but because I am not competent to handle the complexity of his agenting needs.

Good answer.