6.26.2006

Querying Miss Snark... why wouldn't you??

Hello Ms. Snarky,

I would be pleased to send you a query letter, but I would like to know what kind of writer/material you represent.


Our script is sci-fi/adventure, meant to be an animated children's movie. If this fits what you're looking for, can you please send us instructions about sending you a query letter?

Thank you for your time.



Here are the directions for how to submit work to Miss Snark:

1. Read the directions carefully, and in their entirety before commencing.

2. Draft a cover letter. It must have the following:
your name, age, address, phone, email, and website. Your website must not have Flash on it or take longer than fifteen seconds to load. If you do not have a website, you must construct one before querying.

3. You must print your cover letter in Times New Roman, 12 point. There must be 1.1 inch margins on the left and right and 1.5 inch margins on the top and bottom. The entire cover letter must fit on one page. Do not use words longer than ten letters. If you use a word that is not in the Funk & Wagnells 1985 edition you must provide a definition in a footnote. Footnotes must be Ariel font 8 point. They can not slop over into the margins.

4. You must include a ten page writing sample. It must be pages 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, and 89.

5. You must not staple or bind the material in any way. No rope, no paper clips, binder clips or pink ribbons of any kind. You may use a rubber band but it must be a #12.


6. You must submit this to the agency on an exclusive basis, and include a notarized Certificate of Exclusivity with your submission. It must be placed between pages 13 and 21.


7. You must include an SASE. The envelope must be a #9. It must be white, with a self sealing flap. The envelope must be placed in the upper left hand corner, vertically, between your cover letter and page one of your writing sample. The first class stamp may not have hearts, flowers, bunnies, musicians, politicians or political personages depicted on the stamp. If you need help selecting the correct stamp, go to the post office. All postal employees are familiar with "SASE stamp regulations" and will be glad to help you.

8. Mail this to my office with "following blog instructions" printed prominently on the lower right hand corner. You must send it in a #12 white mailing envelope. You must use an Avery address label and print the address in 14 point Helvetica. Make sure you include my first AND last name on the address label.


9. Failure to adhere to any of these instructions is grounds for automatic rejection. If you do not hear from us within one year, assume rejection.


10. If you have any further questions, or need any further instructions, there are several posts in the Snarkives about submitting work to Miss Snark. Reading them counts as researching agents to query.

42 comments:

just Joan said...

Oh, I love it! :D

Feisty said...

Man, this publishing business is sure tough. It's no wonder I received so many rejections over the years. I was missing all this and I'm sure there's more that was no included, just to trip me up.

One of these days I'm going to figure out all the rules and then I'll be successful.

Thank you for putting me on the right road, Miss Snark. My undying loyalty and a pail of gin is coming at you right now!

Jenna Black said...

The sad thing is, some people won't get the joke.

Kris_W said...

*snork*

- A faithful reader

Anonymous said...

Wait. I don't have a page 89. Is it all right if I send you page 86 instead?

poohba said...

Oh it's good to see Miss Snark at her snarkalicious best!

Elektra said...

I heart Miss Snark

Brenda Bradshaw said...

Huh. For some reason, I didn't expect Miss Snark to be so easy.

busywriter said...

...include a Notarized Certificate of Exclusivity...

I love it!!!

tdslvie said...

Fibonnaci would be proud.

Aaron said...

Who shot who in the what now?

Anonymous said...

Tip: If it's meant to be a movie, don't query a literary agent. They're trying to sell BOOKS...

Rick said...

But page 42 has all THE answer!
Guess I won't be sending my stuff to Miss Snark...hmpf.

Funniest thing I've read in a while.
*runs to get #12 rubber bands*

TwistableSim said...

Ooh, good one! I especially liked, "Do not use words longer than ten letters. If you use a word that is not in the Funk & Wagnells 1985 edition you must provide a definition in a footnote. Footnotes must be Ariel font 8 point. They can not slop over into the margins."

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

You're going to buy me a new keyboard? The coffee I sprayed onto this one is effec ing it's functioning!

Anonymous said...

What? You don't use the Fibonacci numbering system?

1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55

M. G. Tarquini said...

Oh dear. I've sprained something.


Sooo...Miss Snark, you're saying it was the #10 rubber band that did me in?

Anonymous said...

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find #12 rubber bands these days?

Mallika said...

I'm guessing that there will be people emailing Miss Snark to tell her that she forgot to give out her mailing address...

Quick said...

What joke?

Miss P AKA Her Royal Cliqueness said...

Gold, pure gold. Or...maybe it's platinum these days. Funny, funny stuff either way.

-P

delilah said...

Okay, I've got a hundred dollars here that says more than one person will follow these intructions to a T and then try to submit to MS.

Anyone want to bet against me?

kitty said...

A year ago I would have followed that advice to the letter :~)

Anonymous said...

Ms. Snarky!?!??!?

BuffySquirrel said...

Oh, good, the Snarky twin is back.

Andi said...

The first class stamp may not have hearts, flowers, bunnies, musicians, politicians or political personages depicted on the stamp.

Darn it! I knew those stupid bunny stamps the Post Office gave me were going to ruin things!

S. W. Vaughn said...

It was the #12 rubber band that did me in...

Must wipe off my keyboard now.

You should now be prepared for a deluge of questions like: "I read your submission guidelines and I'm confused. Why pages 13 and 21? I really want to send you pages 15 and 295, because those are where the good stuff is."

Or: "Dear Miss Snark, I was reading your guidelines and can you tell me what a Certificate of Exclusivity is?"

Most of all, though, which rubber bands are #12?

Snort.

Nick said...

I'd hate to see the contract... "For identification purposes, please send two gallons of your own blood (not coagulated!) via FedEx refrigerated delivery. Print on it your name, social security number, and whether you were conscious at the end of the transfusion."

Anonymous said...

Rats ... I was all set but DS1 had woven all the #12 rubber bands into a 4-H project.

Ann

Eileen said...

You neglected to say that any queries must include liver cookies for Killer Yap. Always be nice to the assistants I hear- the power behind the throne.

Gabriele C. said...

Sniff. I can't query Miss Snark. The US stamps I can buy in Germany all have those ugly politicans' faces on them.

Anonymous said...

CLASSIC! It reminds me of that test we took in 3rd grade that teacher promised a prize to the first one that finished. First direction was to read all the way through first, then listed about a dozen things to do to the test - circles squares - pencil marks in all the right places. Of course, those in the know, realize what the final instruction was.

Anyway, my question is that virtually ALL of the action of my book takes place on page 4. Can I send that one too???????

BarbJ said...

Forget it! I'm going to take my bunny stamps, page 739 denouement, and #10 bungee cord wrap elsewhere! It was outrageous when you vetoed my pink unicorn - flying unicorns, yet! - stationery, but you've gone too far!

Love and a belly rub to K.Y.

Anonymous said...

I'm just tempted to try this just for the fun of it. But finding a type #12 rubber band may be diffecult...luckily it's optional. I wonder if 'Miss' qualifies for her first name... (grin)

HH said...

But, but -- dearly beloved Miss Snark, I live overseas! So I can't use a first class stamp on my SASE, I have to use a US overseas airmail thingie stamp. And they're all stupid looking, trust me.

Will having rilly, rilly cool-looking furrin' stamps (with whales or mountains or hobbits) on my submission package envelope compensate for ugly airmail stamps?

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Delilah...I'm with you....at least a half dozen people are going to follow those instuctions to the letter and email her for the address to send it to!

Tess said...

ROTFL!!!!! Thanks - I needed that :-)

Bill E. Goat said...

Dear Miss Snark:

All those instructions are way too complex for my goat-brain. While mistress Rachael says that all I think about is sex, food, and standing on high rocks, I am a master of novelity and write-things.

Submitted herewith is my minimalist novel, Tess of the d’Urbervilles Reconsidered, or How Tess Became Queen of the Misty Isles, Fought the Evil Troll, Was Saved by the Gruff Brothers and Lived in Seclusion Ever After. Please feel free to ask any questions about the minimalist art-form before you reject me.

Full Text Follows:

Oi, sexy!

Best,

Bill E. Goat

Miss Snark said...

Dear Bill, send that notarized certificate of exclusivity at once.
I know several editors who could use an old goat.

MS

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

:::sicker, snort:::

I bet you know a few editors who ARE Old Goats too. We won't name names though. Simply not done ... at least until the tell all autobiography.

Jack said...

ON HER TEMPLE WALL

My dearest Snarky has moved on to the next square.
I shall hold her letters to my breast and face Tibet twice a day and once at night.

I swear. . . my dear

alphasun said...

I heartily approve of the rubber band requirement, as our agency also insists on the #12. We used to use #8s at our agency until one gave way as a colleague was opening it and the pages ended up in a jumble on the floor. With thousands of submissions per week, there was no time for the painstaking shuffling neede to reclaim the debris, so our supervisor rightly disposed of the manuscript, which was apparently an ill-conceived thriller based on the life of Da Vinci.This incident convinced us that we were justified in asking authors to bear the considerably higher price of the sturdier #12s, which we also recycle in our new toy airplane product line.