6.28.2006

So...here's some of MY spam

Hello,
I’m working online press and promotion for a book called “title redacted” by celebrity longevity expert (author redacted) I’d like to submit a copy for review on your site. I’ve included the press release below, please let me know where and to whom I should send the copy. I look forward to hearing from you.
John



1. I can ignore this guy; or,

2. I can email him that he's wasting my time, please take me off the list, and never darken my inbox again; or,

3. I can email him with "what the fuck am I doing on your email list, I know where you work, and I know the editorial director and the PR director and I'm going to have you fired; or....


Got any further options for me?

38 comments:

Kafaleni said...

you can send this clown's email addy to the author of every piece of dreck in your slush pile, telling them "email this guy - he's really enthusiastic about what you have to say!" Whether you advise them to tell him that Miss Snark is just trying to return the favour by sending some business his way is up to you. After the first several dozen, he should get the message. I hope.

Anonymous said...

Give the stupidhead a pass. Do #2.

Anonymous said...

Send him similar instructions as you gave the writer in the recent post who requested how to query you.

Corn Dog said...

Option1) Tell John to box the stuff up in some Reynolds Wrap and send it to Hell. Tell him you're working down there for the summer.

Option 2) Use the standard SASE address, John - uranitwit@wtf.sol

Dwight The Troubled Teen said...

Among the catalog memes that I have written for myself you will find the following:

"Never f**k with another man's livlihood."

I got a car salesman fired once. He deserved it. That was 12 years ago and I still feel terrible about it.

How about option D: Mark it as Spam or create a Rule in Outlook to automatically send anything from the individual in question straight to your trash folder.

Channel your inner existentialist and this man will simply cease to exist.

Jim Winter said...

I'd blacklist his email address, but I just got rid of (name of megacorp's Internet security suite redacted) on my machine. So I just delete. Delete's my buddy.

Rats. I just realized Xlibris is going to start bugging me again now that I've lifted the filter.

Bill Peschel said...

Did you know "celebrity longevity expert" kicks back a goose egg on Google?

Hmmm, you could forward it to Nancy Fay, but we know how she'd respond.

I suppose if you want to really be nasty, you could post it so we all could request a review copy. That could result in several hundred requests and a big bill for the shipping all those books.

Akuseru said...

You can email him and tell him you'd be delighted to review the book, on the condition that he adheres to your strict sumbission guidelines. The book must be printed on parchment paper of a weight greater than 24lb, as anything less is an insult to Her Snarkiness. The binding must be leather, and the color must be an exact match to hexadecimal color #00F63A. The title should be embossed with foil matching color #C3C458, in 48pt Wingdings font. The author's name should appear below the title, in 24pt Webdings font. Interior pages must be printed on one side of the page only, in 12pt Webdings; pages with numbers that are considered "unlucky" to any culture should be skipped entirely. The book should not begin with a page numbered 1, as "one is the loneliest number." Additionally, the ink to be used in printing the book must be composed of the author's blood, sweat, and tears. The SASE must be a large shipping crate of proportions similar to a small yacht, with suitable postage to be sent to Miss Snark's ideal exotic retreat and back again. And, most importantly, any submission that arrives without the requisite canine bribe (to be determined by Her Snarkiness at her leisure) will promptly be fed to the circular file.

Sue said...

Thanks for the blog fodder. Now over three quarters of a million people* will know just what kind of nitwit you are. Since you seem to travel in publishing circles, I am sure there will be much tittering from behind gin glasses at your next literary cocktail party.

*Okay, so maybe *I* was those 855000 hits, but he'll never know.

SpecRom Joyce said...

Provide the gentleman with instructions on forwarding the ARC.

Sign it "something appropriately snarky," Miss Snark.

Sell it on eBay.

I bet Evil Editor would outbid us all.

literaticat said...

I'm a buyer for a largish independent bookstore. I get this type of email all the time and I simply ignore it.

Unfortunately for me, my store is listed in the phone book, so I get phone calls like this all the time, and sometimes even surprise visitors.

Yeesh - embarrassing for both of us. I've learned to be quite stern, while still polite enough that they won't stab me to death (or complain to anyone). Grrr.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Ask him for a sample of his DNA and let him wonder.

Sherry Decker said...

I don't know about others, but I despise being ignored more than being told to get lost. I vote for get lost and remove me from your list.

SAND STORM said...

you forgot "hunt you down like the dog (sorry) you are"...

KillerYapp said...

hey!!!!
I don't hunt anything down...this is NYC. DELIVERY!!!

Akuseru said...

In response to killeryapp:

The pizza is for the humans.
The guy delivering it is fair game.

Lauren said...

Helloooooooo, John.

Anyone home???

MS is a literary agent. That's L-i-t-e-r-a-r-y A-g-e-n-t. She sells manuscripts to editors. She does not review books. I review books. Do not send your email to me either.

(walks away muttering "Nitwit!")

dink said...

4. Have Bruno visit the crumbum and mebbe a typin' finger or two should end up broken ...I'm just sayin' ...cuz ya know he shouldn'ta oughta have SPAMMED.

Next time it's cement loafers.

Brady Westwater said...

Accept the book and then use it as a trade in at Strand.

Watercolorz said...

Eat his heart to steal his power.



If I keep suggesting it someone is bound to take me up on it eventually ~W

Anonymous said...

I used to write book reviews, so I get spam like this all the time. Personally, I find it difficult to be offended when someone's offering me a free book!

litagent said...

Boy, y'all are a tough audience. The guy is doing his job, not very well, clearly, since Miss Snark's Blog isn't the right venue for this, but certainly there are blogs that review books from (presumably) major houses, so the idea of sending such an email isn't completely absurd. I'm even more surprised at literaticat -- of course people are going to pitch books to you, that's YOUR job, to decide what to buy. Why would you be offended by that?

BuffySquirrel said...

We used to have this problem at NFG. I always wrote back thanking the person offering the book, pointing out we didn't actually publish book reviews, but adding that they were welcome to give us a free book anyway.

No books ever arrived.

Ray Goldensundrop said...

It's not exactly spam but is an improper solicitation. In MS LookOut (sic) with Word as the composition software, one can set up macros to do standard replies: Not right for me, Maybe later, Send gin, Ke-yap!. Maybe some browsers do this too if the mail system is Web-based, but I haven't seen them.

However, since no SASE was included, no response is necessary. With chilled heart and stiffened digit, whack DELETE and get on with it.

Maxwell said...

Do whatever takes the least time and effort. The less time you spend dealing with people who you know you aren't going to be working with, or seeing socially, the better. Probably asking to be removed from the list is the best bet, as it seems to not be totally random spam. Maintaining your own spam filter is a little safer, but that's work, and they can over-filter.

Inevitably, we only have one life to live. The percentage of it you spend agonizing over the folks you frustate you is under your control to a great extent. Sure, it would have been nicer to never have got this e-mail at all, but the next best thing it to completely forget it ever happened.

nir said...

Buffysquirrel ftw!

Or you could just ignore him. That's what I do with my spam.

Wulf said...

Just send him a rejection letter with no hand written note.

BarbJ said...

I'm a believer in the 3-strikes-you're-out rule. First time, delete. Second time (because many people prefer to believe you didn't receive the e-mail than that you might ignore their precious words), follow #2. Third strike, threaten bodily harm, complete with expletives, while writing poems of peace.

Uisce said...

There are days when idiots like this squat all over my inbox and my first thought is to do whatever I can to ruin their lives and careers and any hope they might have for happiness in their lives.

And then I just look at all of the other crap I have on my plate and realize there just isn't time for everything!

Xopher said...

Sherry Decker said...
I don't know about others, but I despise being ignored more than being told to get lost. I vote for get lost and remove me from your list.

I don't know about others, but I despise being ignored more than being told to get lost. I vote for ignore him!

Daisy said...

My three-step plan:

1. Ignore.
2. Casually mention to his editorial director/PR director/blind date, "Oh, wasn't that John I saw get slammed at Miss Snark's? Boy, that guy really doesn't get this web thing, does he?"
3. Enjoy results, with gin.

Verification word: plopm. The sound made by a very fat frog landing in mud.

HawkOwl said...

Offer a trade. You'll have a look at his book if he road-tests your know product line of penish-enlargement products.

Peter L. Winkler said...

Add his email address to your spam filter, then delete without any comment.

Anonymous said...

Tell him,

"As the celebrity anti-longevity expert, here's my advice: Drop dead!"

Stacy said...

Why do people get so upset about spam? It is annoying, no question, and that annoyance is multiplied by the number of them in your inbox each morning, but if spam makes you feel like hurting somebody, you need to cut out the caffiene. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Geez, you guys are a tough audience. Poor guy slaving away as a peon in some PR office, just doing his job. Obviously the guy doesn't know you're Miss Snark, but judging from the reading list you publish here, you do have literary taste and maybe he's hoping you'll read the book and give it a little word-of-mouth publicity. Can you blame the guy for trying?

If it offends, just delete. Plotting revenge against someone who really intends you no harm seems counter-productive to me.

Miss Snark said...

Hard to believe he didn't know he was sending it to Miss Snark when he addressed it to Miss.Snark at gmail.com.

Perhaps he really CAN'T read.

Greg said...

Just ask him to take you off his list--it's the least stressful method that will actually stop the e-mails...

*unless*...you think it would be very entertaining to review the celebrity longetivity book and tear it apart with snark.

In which case, just request the book.

word verification: yqxcbs: verb. To win at Scrabble. ("I yqxcbsed yesterday.")