Killer Yapp Offers a Clue

Dear Killer Yapp:

I'm a six year old miniature poodle, with perfect red curls and large brown eyes. Though only eighteen pounds, my legs are long-boned and lazy. They call me Kipper for short, but my full name's Yummy Kippur. I was born on Yom Kippur, is how it went.

My father (he's a writer; you know how they are) refuses to take me to a groomer; he doesn't trust any ever since one of them left a pug in the dryer too long by accident. Though I'll admit I can be short tempered at times, and if you point your finger at me I'll show long, sharp teeth you'd never have guessed existed, but I'm tired of the choppy home haircuts and the huge poof he leaves on top of my head.

My mean, old sister, a sixteen year old cat who's been whacking me in the head since they adopted me, laughs her ass off every three weeks when they groom me. And my best friend, a really butch lady scottie (who is owned by a really good literary agent, too), is constantly making fun of me. What to do?

Killer Yapp replies:

First, you need to dump the cat. I advise duct tape, leftover plastic grocery bags and a ransom note to distract the bipeds' attention. I think you can download ransom notes from catsRscum.sol but my doorman, Franq, helps me; he says he doesn't have much use for pussy either.

Next, you need to make sure your human has a phone with large buttons. Miss Snark got rid of the one she had after the Unfortunate Incident of the Anchovy Pizza Delivery but Grandmother Snark doesn't see too well and I like to visit her. (toothy grin emoticon would be here if I had one)

When you get to the phone dial this number you find on this website
Remember to order cookies while you're at it.

And Scotties are just plaid pretenders to the throne, you need to hang out with poodles.

Bark On!


cat with no tale nor tail said...

Mew, I'm shocked!

December Quinn said...

The doggie writer should be glad his owners don't take him to a famous pet shop chain store with grooming facilities. I once watched through the long glass window in horror as a careless groomer allowed my dog to fall of the table and almost strangle himself.

Barbjn said...

Yummy Kippur, butch scotties, sadistic laughing cats, bad haircuts and Franq's preferences...all that and Gotham Girls, too..a stellar day for great laughs. Thanks, Miss Snark!

Anonymous said...

One good thing about cats: professional grooming is unnecessary. Pussies take care of it themselves.

Chiron O'Keefe said...

*chokes* *spits tea all over keyboard* *wipes tears from eyes*

*reaches for Clos du Bois*

I love a pooch that can drive me to drink...

Killer Yap Rocks!

Barkfully yours,

Scottie McBruiser said...

Auch! If es naught Scawty, it's CRAP!

Yew lit'ul curly-headed Frog Dogs jus' go surrender to tha' dowrr-r-r-rman, and stay owut a' muh kilted way!

Anonymous said...

LOL! I heart Scottie McBruiser!

Cynthia Bronco said...

so many uses for duct tape!

Yummy Kippur said...

Your pussy may take care of itself, but they take my mean old sister to the groomer every three months. But they won't take me!