7.10.2006

oh dear dog, words fail me

Surfing around while sucking up the vegetable lo mein, I checked in at Making Light and got diverted by one of TNH's always fun particles and next thing you know I have nasal lo mein.... TMI? well, yea, .... so put down your beverages before reading this from my favorite POD-dy Mouth girl or you too will suffer as I have.

39 comments:

Daisy said...

The really terrifying thing is that all of those comments referred to only seven books.

lizzie26 said...

Ah, too funny! Thanks for the beverage alert.

Termagant 2 said...

My word, that was funny. Bless you, thank you, praise you, Miss S, for the beverage alert. Frappuccinos and keyboards do not work well together.

T2

Sonarbabe said...

I read this one over the weekend. I was fortunate enough not to be drinking anything at the time, but my husband did rush to fetch my medication upon hearing my hysterical laughter, thinking I was having another one of my "episodes". Ahem. Sorry.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

I saw this. It's too funny for words.

And while your over at Making Light, click the Vindaloo link and play the music. Sing along!

We're England and we'll score one more than you! Wishful thinking though, huh?

Cara said...

Weeellllll, at least your experience with lo mein explains the meaning of 'slurpgurgle'!

onattoms said...

"I want to be very clear about something: Gynecological exams are never sexy. Absolutely never. Understand me: never. If only you had a cervix."

Oh dear dog!

"I think you meant assuage, not ass gauge."

Why didn't I listen to the beverage warning?

M. G. Tarquini said...

""He was everywhere and nowhere all at once; he smelled like tuna."

Oh.My.G*d! How did POD-dy mouth girl get hold of my manuscript?!

Society for Promotion of Good Grammar said...

But "awhile" isn't always wrong, as poddymouth claims!

It can correctly be used as an adverb, modifying how long one waits (say, for an editor to reject a manuscript).

A while, as two words, is the correct noun form.

Jim Winter said...

"I want to be very clear about something: Gynecological exams are never sexy. Absolutely never. Understand me: never. If only you had a cervix."

That reminds me of a recent conversation wherein I had to explain to a coworker why having a female doctor is not, Not, NOT an advantage during a physical. In fact, it makes "Turn your head and cough" MORE traumatic.

mme.p said...

Aaah, thank you! That really made me laugh.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

The beverage alert was definitely a necessity in this case...but the nasal lo mein sounds really bad.

That was a real hoot. I like the comment about assuage! LOL!

kis said...

Maybe he really did mean ass gauge...

Katy North said...

Awww, man!!! I was going to use something simlar to the tuna line in my next novel! It was going to be about a fishing captain who was a ghost and a buxom blond who falls in love with him!

Here's a lesson to all you who don't listen to the beverage alert. I almost snorted cherry coke out of my nose :(. It didn't feel to good.

Anonymous said...

I laughed. I cried. I tinkled a little bit. Oops.

srchamberlain said...

"I want to be very clear about something: Gynecological exams are never sexy. Absolutely never. Understand me: never. If only you had a cervix."

This reminds me of Agent Kristin's theme: Why most women wouldn't find waking up in a room with a strange man standing bedside sexy, and its corollary, Why this isn't a good opening to your friggin' romance novel.

MommyWithAttitude said...

Oh that was too much!

It would have made me feel like a pretty good writer too, except I have a short story originally written in second person (later re-worked in third)... and yes, the style was inspired by BRIGHT LIGHTS BIG CITY.

Ooops.

zornhau said...

All very funny. But if you read crap, isn't there a danger that some of it will stick?

Ray Goldensundrop said...

The funniest one is the mistake withing the critique. Made me chuckle awhile.

Golly, language changes. Someone's dating oneself, and in a public forum at that.

From Webster's, the form a while comes from Middle English, or about the year 1000. What a difference a millennium makes. Here's the more current take on the usage:

The adverb AWHILE is spelled as a single word: After stopping in Hadley awhile, we drove to Deerfield. As the object of a preposition, the noun phrase A WHILE is used, especially in edited writing, but the single-word form is becoming increasingly common: We rested for a while (or awhile).

(c) 1999 by Random House, Inc.

Malia said...

Thank dog for the beverage alert... didn't want to waste a perfectly good latte.

Nicki Greenwood said...

Yep. Beverage alert, all right. Thanks for the warning, or my keyboard would have been a goner. :)

Bernita said...

I LIKED "slurpgurgle."
Shouldn't call it slopcrap.

Anonymous said...

At least someone is reading their books.

kitty said...

About "slurpgurgle" ...

I like it because it's a very descriptive. It reminds me of sniglets.

Are such words verboten?

Anonymous said...

I think I've read one of these. The one with the gyn scene. The author brought it in to my library, wanting to sell it to us. Left it with me to review. I had to write a "thanks but not right for our collection" letter. She never came back to pick up her review copy...it sat behind my desk for over a year. Yes, my reviewer eyes found that gyn exam scene right away and I struggled MIGHTILY to remain professional. Funny, these, when you don't see the person behind the book. I did, now I see this as all too sad. And pray to dog that no one will ever laugh at my book the way, I confess, I laughed at hers (behind closed doors, of course. I TRIED to remain professional.)

bookfraud said...

while i found pod-y's post extremely amusing, i am disconcerted to learn that i shall never be able to use tuna smells, green nipples, or italians with irish names. just ruined it for me.

Xopher said...

Nose noodles are one of those insult-to-injury things. Not only do they hurt, but everyone around you laughs at you.

I will never, ever self-publish. If I did, I'd always wonder if my book was as bad as these.

hcqneyd, eh? Some kind of Indo-European root meaning 'clich├ęd', maybe?

nir said...

Gyn exams, sexy?

Words fail me.

Southern Writer said...

"I want to be very clear about something: Gynecological exams are never sexy. Absolutely never."

Reminds me of a date I once had.

Stewart O'Nan wrote A Prayer for the Dying in second person. I think I read the first paragraph about five times before I realized what he was doing. I liked the book, although I figured out the ending very early on.

O'Nan. Think he's Italian?

Sal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

The local library has recently put in a section where patrons can display there POD books for a month. There are about a dozen books in the section. I began reading, but decided I would put down each book at the first grammar/typographical/factual error. I made it to the second page of only one book, and then it self-destructed ("Washington," she said. I smiled. I knew it had to be the District of Columbus and not the State."

Robin L. said...

That is truly funny. There should also be an alert to those of us in cubeville that you will laugh out loud and scare your cubemates!

Sal said...

Ray wrote, The funniest one is the mistake withing the critique. Made me chuckle awhile.

Golly, language changes. Someone's dating oneself, and in a public forum at that.


PODdy mouth wrote, "To all seven of you: It's for a while, not for awhile."

Seems The American Heritage® Book of English Usage agrees with her:

People often confuse the adverb awhile with the noun phrase a while. This is hardly surprising because they sound the same and the noun phrase can function like an adverb. In many cases both forms are acceptable. You can say It took a while to get down the hill, where a while functions like other noun phrases such as an hour or a long time. You can also say It took awhile to get down the hill, where awhile functions like the adverb phrase quite long or the comparative adverb longer.

You may want to be careful using a while after prepositions, where traditional grammar calls for a noun as object. Thus you should write I'll stay for a while, but not I'll stay for awhile. Without the preposition, either form is acceptable: I'll stay a while or I'll stay awhile.

Dave Kuzminski said...

And the Bulwer-Lytton awards have been announced! They're at http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

yossarian said...

"ass gauge" made me fall out of my chair...

E. Ann Bardawill said...

POD+
Punish on Demand?

;-)

Battlerocker said...

Hilarious. Thanks for the warning. That could have been a disaster. :)

Chris said...

Scary stuff.

Although I don't think she knows what dialectical means.
Irvine Welsh has written a novel in a dialect, but I don't believe he's ever written a dialectical novel.

Ray Goldensundrop said...

Oh, this is truly getting funny.

Hey, MY source's copyright date is 1999, and YOURS is 1996.

That made me chuckle for awhile.

That made me chuckle awhile.

Or should it be made me chuckle for a while? Who gave for so much influence? Might for awhile be an adverbial phrase? Holy Muddle of Prescription!

But this English professor I happen to live with never uses a while. It looks so first millenium, you know? Ergo, that, along with a more recent take on the subject (object?), guess I'll stick with it for a lot longer than awhile. This could be forever, or until an editor says differently. Then I don't care because (ME: bi cuase) it's off to publication after the goodness gets drizzled on awhile. (That was close; almost ended with a prep.)