7.25.2006

Thank Dog!

Just today I was dripping up Central Park West to the B train thinking "thank dog I bought that new air conditioner two weeks ago" cause it's been sodden here. Forget sex in this city; I don't want to be near myself, let alone you (unless you are Mr. Clooney, and even then you better have ac in the limo).

Thus my delight to discover via those clever cats over at Media Bistro, and the tasty morsels at BookBurger that there is a whole new series dedicated to thankfullness.


Thank God I Can Spot a Scam
is the title of my entry!

What's yours?

74 comments:

Anonymous said...

It simply must be satire. Or a really nasty scam. I try to be grateful but somehow looking at that site raised my spite. The only thing missing was something about how the Pope himself (hisself - doh!) would be blessing the books. Nihil Obstat, let's grab the cash.

Cheryl Mills said...

I titled mine: "How to Make a Half-Million without Lifting a Finger"

And yet, my finger lifted.

cp said...

Thank God I read Miss Snark!
"Thank God I was Raped"???? Holy Mother of Dog!

Kirsten said...

Thank God There's Still Time To Get In For $300 -- The Price Jumps to $500 in Two Months!!!

M. G. Tarquini said...

Out of these six categories we will be releasing 127 different titles, for example, "Thank God I Was Raped©"

Oh. My. G*d. They want me to pay hundreds of dollars to submit stories with titles like that? AND take their course.

Words fail.

They fail.

adrienne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vampire Librarian said...

Out of all the possibilities, they use as an example...

"Thank God I Was Raped©"?

May I make a resounding, "WTF!"

And it's clearly a cult with their required three month indoctrination.

"Thank God I Have a Fully Stocked Bunker in the Backyard."

Jim Winter said...

Thank God my last publisher, incompetent as he was, paid ME for the book.

Eventually.

Anonymous said...

Thank God my mama didn't raise no dumb asses so's I could fall for sumpin' that stoopid!

Anonymous said...

Cum on, let's all send in stories for "Thank God I Masturbate". WTF?

Anonymous said...

Everyone has to read the "about us" page. No matter how bad your day has been, their "bios" will completely crack you up.

Busywriter said...

I went to the 'contact us' page and sent them an email using the name Ican Spotascam. Okay, it's not very original, but I want to see if they're paying attention.

I'm curious if they'll respond (yes I had to use my real email address).

Ken Boy said...

"Thank God I Was Raped©" !!!!!!

Well, I think I've guaged their tenor. Here's mine:

"Thank God My Testicles Were Eaten by Raccoons."

CLH said...

I can't believe there are people falling for this. This is so stupid it's not even a scam.

You pay $300 dollars for them to act like a normal editor. I.E. You send them $300 dollars for a good shot at a rejection letter.

er... what?

Nick said...

For the low, low introductory price of $900, I will submit your entry, pay all fees, and e-mail you notes from the course. Act now, offer ended yesterday and the new rate is $1,200.

-Nick

Southern Writer said...

Thank God I'm speechless.

Deborah Hern said...

Wow. The scam, the "About Us," the whole thing just has cartoon stink waves coming off it.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Here's my title -

Thank God I'm THAT Desperate to Submit to these Loonies so they can make a Living!

Shawna said...

"The "buzz" about this major project has already begun!"

Yes, it has... and not in the way they'd prefer.

Shawna said...

Oooh. It irritates me that they have "Thank God I Homeschooled" in there with all those presumably negative titles.

Incested? Never heard of THAT version of the word...

Wonder how many submissions they'll get for "Thank God I Died"? Do people really pay that little attention??

Bay said...

Oh, my goodness gracious, sakes alive. Are they -- ? No, really? Seriously? Goodness.

Thank God I'm speechless.

Elizabeth Guy said...

I sent in a story, "Thank God I Brought the Vaseline," but they rejected it because I wasn't coming from a place of thankfulness and presence.

Irepent said...

Come now, Snarklings. The man offering this golden opportunity has already "authored ten books". And he has discovered the love in his heart, and all sorts of goodly stuff like that.
Of course, he does want $20 plus postage for the book of poems he wrote 'between 17 and 31'. And it might not surprise anyone to know that more than one of his other 'books' are about sales and promotion, which clearly are amoung his strengths.
He's just a sharing guy who wants to help you.
It's merely coincidence that he wants to collect money from you, and sell you books. It was merely an oversight that he forgot to share with us the existence of any recognised publisher for said books.

Thank God I Don't Have to Work for a Living...

MissWrite said...

I love it, and bow to your Snarkism. I'll be back in a bit, I have to go digging through my change purse for $299.00 ASAP. :)

Sonarbabe said...

Oh dear dog! I cannot believe they dared to say "Thank God I Was Raped". For someone who has ever been there and done that, that is the lowest possible thing anyone could ever put on a site. Would it be in poor taste to ask if KY has any connections to sick on these people? Yanno, (TM/PP) principle alone dictates that if you're going to scam someone, the least you can do is make sure you don't make them start twitching first.


word verification: rtxdjjob
(means nothing, but dang if it wasn't long)

Mrs. Brain Bomb said...

"The price per story to register is:
♥ $299.00 for potential authors"

Red flag isn't even the right term...

And what the hell do I need a course in thankfulness for? I'm a broke ass writer!

Anonymous said...

"We look so forward [sic] to working with you..."

Sure they do. Half a million bucks worth. If there's anyone stupid enough to fall for this...

overdog said...

Ms. Kroetsch mentions in her bio that she's a "professional actress." Perhaps she acts under another name? Her acting credits are nowhere to be found on the web.

Being an actor myself, I understand the need for a pseudonym. (You won't find "overdog" on imdb.com.) However, most of us who make our living acting refer to ourselves as actors, not as "professional actors,"--much the same as Miss Snark refers to herself as a literary agent, as opposed to a "professional literary agent," or as many of us refer to ourselves as writers. "Professional" is a given unless one feels the need to protest too much.

Ooh, I think sometimes I get too much pleasure out of getting down and snarky.

Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MTV said...

I've already benefited from this!!!

Thank God I've got 5 agent rejections this year!!!

Better the agent that is "right" and enthusiastic for my work than one "so-so"!

Thank God I'm incredibly frustrated over this!!!

Since human transformation is my specialty I'll make a few comments here. Yes, I have friends who have sat with the Dalai Lama etc. etc.

Actually, people pay lots more money to come to terms with emotional issues. In fact, working on a story you have juice on, over and over and over .... and over - dissipates the emotional intensity of it. Finally you get to so "X" happened. So what? We have all allowed traumatic events to have an affect on our lives. For me it was getting okay with the fact that my 19 year old brother was killed when I was 12.

So, in a way it's like one of those multi-level marketing things. You have a shot at it paying back to you in addition to being able to deal with your emotional issue.

However, the real value is doing the work yourself. Me, say as an emotionally or physically abused person, sitting here reading about how you have come to terms with it may or may not be of assistance. I could gain an insight from the writers perspective that might move my emotional needle for me somewhat. However, I probably won't come to terms with it by reading about someone elses experience and their coming to terms with it.

What I question is who exactly is going to assist the people who engage in this - Dr. Phil? Not that you necessarliy need an "expert" in the field to assist. However, you do need an absolutely solid human connection. Someone who will listen/edit impassionately without buying into all the stuff that the person is buying into about their particular experience.

I know as serious writers whenever something like this comes up we begin to snarl and I fully understand that, both in myself and others.

And, the fact that the promoters do not get into how this all really works is a little sketchy for me.

Given what I can garner from their site and the reaction of the comments so far, I can't quite see:

Thank God I was raped and came to terms with it because I submitted my 2-5 page story to TGI ... it was accepted and now I'm a published author and have already collected 100K in royalties -:)!!

Personally, there is no way I'm going to say Thank God my brother was killed etc. etc. Thank God one event does not make up a life. It is the life as whole for which I have gratitude. If you really wanted to stretch it - I could have gratitude for the teaching being that one event does not form the basis on which to evaluate my life. I still don't have to like the fact that he was killed. However, you absolutely must not resist it. Therefore, you MUST accept your life as it is. From there it is possible to transform your perspective and so transform yourself.

Hmm... Here's something interesting ... in writing this comment - I realized that I started writing what I call transformational fiction because I had to come to terms with my brother being killed. I probably never would have delved so deeply into why the universe is the way it is without having to come to terms with this nasty traumatic event. I never would have outrightly engaged God in conversation either. In those conversations powerful answers were revealed to me much like Neale Donald Walsch.

So on balance, would I rather have and intimate relation with God or my beloved brother?

That's a tough call.

PS - Sorry for the LAC (long-ass comment) but you started it Miss Snark!

Anonymous said...

Thank God I'm not that stupid!

Sad thing is that I know a gazillion people are going to fall for this thinking it's the next best thing since Chicken Soup books...

Sigh...
RB

Corn Dog said...

...and the last 6 from the site's "FAMILY/RELATIONSHIPS" catagory are:
"Thank God I Am A Bitch
Thank God I Am Afraid Of Commitment
Thank God I Am Short
Thank God My Child Has ADD
Thank God I Had An Affair
Thank God I Homeschooled"

Yoyogod said...

If I had $300 to waste...I'd waste it on something else.

If I had $300 to waste and was dumb enough to fall for this, I'd write them a story called "Thank God The Police Haven't Found All The Bodies I Buried In The Back Yard."

mxpdqsbj said...

Check out that hilarious list of working book titles. At the very bottom--after "Thank God I am Dying"--is:

"Thank God I Died."

Anonymous said...

Oh, Miss Snark! They have a category for us! It's called Thank God I'm a Bitch! I feel so happy, so elated, so flushed with joy. Would you loan me the money to sign up? HAHAHA!

I love it. It's got to be the funniest scam around. Amanda Crutch (oh, Kreutsch) swears that all you need is your own heart--but of course, she wants you to sign up and pay her to help you find that heart.

And Mr. C found help from Mr. DeMartini. I like de martinis too--especially when they come in a bucket. Slosh a little more gin in here, will ya? Hold the olive.

But seriously, I think a little note to the FTC might be in order here! Amazing.

Georgiana said...

"Thank God I Died A Slow and Agonizing Death" will be my entry. It's a heartwarming story of my death, resurrection, subsequent return as a zombie and what I learned about the human and inhuman conditions.

Yahzi said...

"Thank God I suffer from Narcissitic Personality Disorder!"

Not only do you have to submit your manuscript for their approval, you have to solve your problem to their approval. You have to show just how grateful you really are.

I applaud these two people. Despite their mental illness, they have found a way to make people pay them for the privilige of groveling at their feet. Is this a great country, or what?

Rick said...

My favorite:
"Thank God I Died."

Do I still have to pay to submit that?

Anonymous said...

Wow, John, Authorhouse! You really are big time!

Atyllah said...

"Thank God I wasn't born yesterday"
along with "Thank God I know how to smell the roses" and "Thank God I don't wear rose-tinted spectacles".

Bugwit Homilies said...

Here's all you need to know, from the 'About Us' section:

In college I achieved several science degrees, went to Chiropractic School, studied with Monks from India, world leading martial arts masters, and world renowned speakers such as Dr. John Demartini. I then went on to hold seminars with John and others such as Dr. Wayne Dyer. In the process of thousands of hours of continued study, I authored several books and shared at seminars all around the world at varied venues from Churches to Resorts to Financial Institutions.

To date I have authored 10 books, released a music CD, and am currently working in film.

Anonymous said...

from the international side:

Thank God I live in Iraq.

Thank God I had a Taliban husband.

Thank God I'm starving in Darfur.

Thank God I had my breasts pressed and my genitalia mutilated.

Thank God I'm too poor to feed my children.

Thank God I live in a village destroyed by the tsunami.

Anonymous said...

What about

Thank God I lost my husband in 9-11 (and have Ann Coulter to despise me).

Anonymous said...

"Thank God I Died"??????

I wonder how many submissions they'll get for THAT title, and if they get any, I want to know their secret!

Anonymous said...

Luv ya, Miss Snark and those sharpies at Book Burger. Here's some to add to that lovely list (although ken boy already beat me to testicle eating raccoons!).

Thank Dog I was born with two heads and no brain.

Thank Dog I like sex with animals.

Thank Dog my house burned down.

Thank Dog I only got $298 and can't enter this stupid contest..

helen said...

Have you seen the full list of titles? "Thank God I Was Incested" (which deserves a WTF for grammar if nothing else); "Thank God I Don’t Have Orgasms"; "Thank God I Have HIV/Aids"; "Thank God My Best Friend Died".

I was going to write a snarky comment here but words fail me.

Kafaleni said...

$300? The last scam merchants only wanted $85, and they were offering a yearlong exclusive for your troubles!

helen said...

... and another thing:

"Thank God I Have Genital Herpes"

Please, somebody tell me this is a joke

smoshea said...

My title: "Thank God I Didn't Fall For This.... Wait..."

Anonymous said...

Thank God Darwin was right!

Anonymous said...

Ken Boy: "Thank God My Testicles Were Eaten by Raccoons." LOL!!!

My thankful follow-up book to yours would have to be:
"Thank God I Laugh at Others' Misfortunes"

And Georgiana, your zombie book sounds awesome, Can I buy it?!

It's a heartwarming story of my death, resurrection, subsequent return as a zombie and what I learned about the human and inhuman conditions.

"Thank God My Stephen Hawking Talky Thingy Broke and Changes All My Words to Gangsta Slizzang"

-c- said...

My book, "Thank God I'm a Nymphomaniac," was published last year at Wankumspankum Press, and I am suing their asses.

The Rejected Writer said...

Googled John, and he has a web page of his very own:
http://www.johncastagnini.com/

I think these nutjobs are in earnest.

Sigh.

JerseyGirl said...

I can't believe anyone would go for this, but then again...

georgiana I'm stealing a bit of your thunder (altho your idea is great!): Thank God I'm a Zombie. Yeah, baby!

~Nancy

Feisty said...

OMG! These people are saints. And, they've done EVERYTHING.

I pale by comparison.

Will said...

You may laugh, but this guy's band is the next U2.

Really, it says so on his website.

Nick said...

Thank G/god I'm so poor.

But right now we can change all that. If you contact three people and ask two of them for $500 a piece,you could get the third to get $500 a piece from two people. If the third person he calls does the same for him, we can all be scam artists with a $1000 debt owed to Big Lou.

Akuseru said...

"John Castagnini is a renowned published author."

'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

"John Castagnini is a renowned published author."


So is James Frey.

Akuseru said...

By the way, I got curious and looked up "Thank God I" at the US Patent and Trademark Office's website. It was filed on July 10, 2006--which doesn't give a lot of time between then and the August 1st deadline for the 'cheap' rate.

Also, it lists the goods and services associated with the trademark as being "e-books, videos, and DVDs featuring self help content." Does this mean that anyone who submits is paying $300-$500 for publication of a short story in an e-book?

vziav said...

That doesn't seem fair; they only let you submit five stories, even though you have to pay them $299 for each one! I have $1,794 burning a hole in my pocket, but all they'll take is $1,495? That sucks.

I'm having a real hard time narrowing down what I'm going to write to just five:
(1) "Thank God I Have A Car That Gets Poor Gas Mileage"
(2) "Thank God I Go Around Saying 'So you think you're better than me, huh?'"
(3) "Thank God I Have A Dead-End Job At The Beet Cannery"
(4) "Thank God I Sat Down On My Car Keys One Day And Punctured A Testicle"
(5) "Thank God I'm Deathly Allergic To Bee Stings"
(6) "Thank God I Incested Someone"

Yasmine Galenorn said...

Uhhhhh...speechless. Mind numb. Been there done that with several of those painful things and I'll be cut into little pieces and fed to the pigs before I ever say "Thank God that happened to me"...

*resisting impulse to write to owners of site and tell them what #$)(#@*)# frootloops they are*

Beth said...

Thank God I put my drink down before reading that...

Anonymous said...

Now,now yasmine... I'm sure you meant to say, "Thank God I was cut into little pieces and fed to the pigs."

Jane Lebak said...

Thank God I just got my refund in the form of a certified cashier's check from a foreign bank:

Dear Editor:
I am thrilled to be submitting to "Thank God I." I have enclosed a story to be considered. I realize the fee to submit is only $299, but unfortunately my only method of payment is to use the cashier's check I just received as a refund from AuthorHouse, and it's for $1000.

If you wouldn't mind, please deposit this check in your account and send me the difference via Western Union. Thank God I know what a 419 scheme is.

Love, Me

Akuseru said...

Ah, but Jane, they unfortunately don't give the option of paying by a method other than PayPal. I still haven't gotten a response from John about whether it's going to be print or an e-book, either.

Anonymous said...

So Castagnini is a chiropracter with a band. And Kroetsch is a nude model. (See Galley Cat for link.)

Real inspiring. Know I know I can trust these two to unblock my ungrateful thoughts and become a better writer.

Dave Kuzminski said...

Hey, that olive provides the fiber thatmakes the gin into a well-rounded meal.

Now if only we could get a rumor started that they're a part of PA. Then maybe more writers would see PA for the scam that it is.

Anonymous said...

Thank God I was Raped...

Wait, was that before or after I invested in the crappy scam?

Anonymous said...

Wow--these guys need to go on Oprah! I wanna hear someone read aloud from the TGIW-raped story--or as far as might be allowed to before her royalness signals the audience it's time to yell "booooo."

Barring that--an info-mercial!!!

Kristen King said...

Thank God I Put My Drink Down First

My favorite part is where John Castagnini quoted himself at the end of his bio. Very suave, very "published author."

just Joan said...

So will they have one called, "Thank God I worship Satan?"

This is ridiculous! It's sad that writers out there will actually go for this.

Anonymous said...

wtf?
Thank God I was born with half a brain, or I'd fall prey to these freaking a$$holes.

Akuseru said...

Their promise to reply to emails in 24 hours or less is a lie. It's been slightly over 48 for me and they haven't told me if the books are going to be printed or e-books.