It's bad enough half the population won't ask for them while driving the wrong way down Mulhollend looking for Knotts Berry Farm...but why is it when you HAVE them you can't follow them??
Miss Snark..yes, she's in the slush pile again.
First, of course some nitwit didn't include an SASE..he "preferred" email. Yea, well I prefer a higher credit limit at Saks but it doesn't mean I get to buy those Chanel pumps now does it?
Second, don't start your cover letter with "Hi My Name is Chip and I'll be your Querier Tonight". I know your name and I know you're writing a query letter. The fact you don't realize you don't have to spell out every last detail bodes very very poorly for any kind of elegance in your writing.
Third, please I beg of you, don't compare yourself to John Grisham, Dan Brown, Jennifer Weiner, Jodi Picoult, Truman Capote, JD Salinger, or doghelpusall GOD ("this book is divinely inspired!"). I don't care if you KNOW it's true. You know your kid is the best looking grandchild in the family..doesn't mean you say so at family gatherings.
Fourth, please do not tell me your novel will appeal to women who watch Oprah. Women who watch Oprah like things that Oprah likes. Unless Oprah picks your book for her book club, those women aren't even gonna hear about it. And unless you are Oprah, or her mom, you haven't got much of an inside track, so just move on to more rational ideas.
Fifth, leave off all the references to how carefully you researched my website and list. I swear the people who are the most strident about this are the ones who get some really basic stuff wrong: my name, my address, my gender...yanno the stuff that's really hard to find out since it's on the first page of the site.
Sixth, try not to send your query in an envelope that looks like an invoice. Sure, I open it, but then I'm so annoyed I just don't even want to read it. Why raise the barrier higher than it already is? You don't look savvier, more professional or like a better writer if you send your letter in a company envelope. You look cheap and insecure.
Seventh, when sending an SASE, you'd be very smart to fold the gummed flap to the opposite side before folding it. More than one envelope has self sealed in the mail cause it's humid as hell in NYC right now and we don't air condition the mail box...silly us.
Eighth...any novel that is "red hot" cause it's about the vagaries of George Bush is an automatic pass. George Bush is going to be out of office in two years. No one is going to give a rat's ass about him after that.
Ninth...don't send anything shrink wrapped. I assume it's junk mail and throw it away.
And that's the nine innings for Team Snark tonight.