1. I'm honest to dog not sure why you spend $4.05 to send queries by priority mail. It doesn't get them read any faster. They (16 of them today) sat here for a week, just like the guy who sent his in a manila envelope and paid 87 cents. You're gonna query 100 agents? Here's the comparison.
$405 vs $87
Do the math.
Buy a clue.
Oh wait...you spent your money at the PO buying postage.
Even if you sent everything FOUR times cause you never heard back, you'd STILL spend less.
2. You don't "peak" my interest if you use the wrong words cause they sound alike.
3. three hole punch AND brads? Staples are bad enough. This is stupid. What the HELL is so hard to read about "sheets of paper, unbound". If you just can't stand the thought of unclasped paper, use a paperclip. NO staples. No binder clips. And naked is best.
4. Asking for sample pages is NOT 'expressing interest'. It's giving you a second shot at following the damn directions.
5. Telling me an editor requested your work is ok. Getting the name of the publisher where the editor works wrong makes me wonder what else you got wrong.
6. Dear Sir. Please respond via email. No.
7. Telling me what my web page says. Amazingly enough, I know what the submission guidelines are for my agency.
8. Italic font. Does anyone really need to hear that again? well...yes. Cause here it is.
9. As I told you on the phone. Oh good, this is an excellent reminder that you're an automatic no. NO PHONE QUERIES. I can't think of a single agent who takes phone queries. If you phone an agent, you'd damn well better ONLY ask factual questions: "is Miss Snark alive". "Is this the correct mailing address" (if it's from the website, assume it's correct. ONLY if the PO returns something as undeliverable should you call to ask this).
10. I've enclosed a #10 SASE. Pages are recyclable. No duh.
11. I invite you to represent my novel. Gee. Invitation only. Fun. How about you invite me to read it first.
Here's the thing about looking stupid in your query letter. It makes me doubt you're someone I want to work with. The query process is just the start, and it's the easiest part. Push gets right to shove when your book is on deadline for final draft, and you can't seem to get things spelled right. We're gonna be in this project together and I want to work with people who are good writers of course, but also people who won't make my life miserable cause they are disorganized, careless, arrogant, stupid, or all of the above. Do yourself a favor. Don't look like an idiot before I even have a chance to read your stuff.