8.31.2006

Today's To Do List

1. Find fire insurance policy

2. Remind doorman that firemen do not need to be buzzed in

3. Remember to replace gin flask with fire extinguisher inside box marked "open in case of emergency"

4. Remove all incendiary devices from apt including stoves and back issues of New York magazine.

5. Pitch calendar idea "hunky guys who come when you call"

6. Renew Zagat's subscription

57 comments:

Feisty said...

You had a fire?

Sue said...

Egads, I hope that post was metaphor. If not, hope you are fine and that it was only a "query from hell" that spontaneously combusted.

Kara Lennox said...

I'm sensing a pattern here.

You must be okay because you are typing. Hope it wasn't TOO awful.

M. G. Tarquini said...

This doesn't sound good.

litagent said...

Yikes! I'm sitting here reading a partial with a fire theme. How creepy is that? Hope you're ok.

jude calvert-toulmin said...

You had firemen for breakfast? Swoon :)

> If not, hope you are fine and that it was only a "query from hell" that spontaneously combusted.

He he. Yeah my sentiments too, Sue :)

Bernita said...

The suspense...
Kitchen fire?

MBT said...

Isn't gin incendiary?

Miss Snark said...

apparantly, so is New York magazine.

Jessica said...

A fire! Hope you and KY are okay.

Precie said...

Oh dear. Hate mail? Hope you and KY are both ok.

Kelly said...

Glad you're okay, Miss Snark! Whatever would we do without you?

Hope there's no lasting damage.

December Quinn said...

Oh, dear! I assume you're okay?!

Virginia Miss said...

I'm so glad you are well enough to blog. I'm impressed that you've maintained your sense of humor (and dedication to your snarklings) throughout your ordeal.

Admirable grace under fire!

Calendar Cal said...

My guess:

1. Pan frying

2. Oil dancing

3. Flame lords a-leaping

4. Killer Yapp a-squeaking

5. Snark snarling -- wrong bottle in hot spot

6. Fingers flying to 9-1-1

7. Doorman enquiring

8. Snark snarling -- "Let those goddamn hunky men up here! It isn't THAT goddamn unusual."

9. Hunky men admiring incendiary artistry

10. Miss Snark passing out (contracts for anything the hunky gentlemen care to scribble)

11. Killer Yapp swooning

12. Hunky men frolicking

13. Miss Snark gazing at pan-fried coal

14. Miss Snark contemplating Zagat for non-incendiary chef's delight

15. Miss Snark considering three-course deal at Mannie's School of Delectable Commestibles, "How to Fry in 10 Easy Lessons"

16. Miss Snark changing New York magazine subscription to Special Nitwits with Fire edition

wonderer said...

Oh no! Miss Snark, I'm glad you and KY are both okay (I assume you wouldn't be posting otherwise), but I hope the apartment damage was minimal.

mzaoof - what KY said upon spotting the flames

Elektra said...

Oh, no. Miss Snark in the slush+fire. some nitwit finally passed the line, and she really did set her hair on fire.

I hope all is okay, and that no books were harmed in the making of this fire.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Do you still have a place in which to live? You must tell us more.

I would like to read, "I'm safe, the kids, husband, janitor, neighbours, my cookies, and KY are all safe."

Or, alternately, strike out kids and husband, but I would be worried about the janitor. They're under-appreciated.

I knew some of the firemen here. The two cutest, a fire-guy and a fire-gal, married each other and moved to the wilds of the Seattle Area. I do hear from them. Nice couple. Except for the snake.

I met them for a grade school project. They let my oldest daughter sit in the fire truck. She still emails them.

I'm rambling, aren't I? No matter. The point is, not all of them are hunks or brains, but I respect them.

Smack the doorman. Just smack him. Put a brick in your purse and smack him.

I'm glad you're ok, but this must be very stressful, and for that you have my sympathies.

On the fire insurance, just call the company, they'll have a copy of the policy.

Elektra said...

P.S.--I may get lynched for saying this, but definitely feel free to postpone the COM if personal de-firing time is required.

delilah said...

Poor Miss Snark. That's terrible.

Please confirm for all of us that you and the puppy are okay.

xoxo The Snarklings

Miss Snark said...

everyone is fine.
No damage...well, other than to a great hulking kitchen appliance which Miss Snark NOW discovers is intended for something called "cooking" and not "storage".

Who knew.

No need to make Bill E. share his lodging with homeless bipeds.

Kim said...

Glad to hear you and KY are doing ok!

As for Bozo the Doorman - if you don't happen to have a brick lying about - an orange in a sock will do the trick as well. Plus, you can eat the evidence :)

Harry Connolly said...

I'm glad you're okay.

BuffySquirrel said...

Ok, I know what happened here...

Miss Snark set her copy of the New Yorker down on the stove, then turned the ring on under it by mistake.

No, you may not ask HOW I know.

Ryan Field said...

Glad to read all is well.

Pepper Smith said...

Glad you're all right. It's nice to have a little excitement every now and then, but geez! Not my idea of fun.

Bugwit Homilies said...

Hot time at the old Snark place last night?

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear. Doesn't sound like you've had a very fun day. And yeah, once you've folded the tea-towels, they need to go in the drawer, not on the stove. And no drying out of magazines in the oven after they fall into the bathtub, either.

whoever said...

You sound like my friend. Seems she used her oven so infrequently that she decided to use it for storage of tupperware-like containers...

Then one day she decided to pre-heat the oven to make, well, something, and you can guess the rest.

Chumplet said...

I thought it was a really smokin' query, or perhaps you accidentally tossed a lit cigarette into your gin pail. Poof!

Susan Boyer said...

Clearly, the landlord (or previous owner),is responsible for leaving such hazardous equipment sitting around in your kitchen! Have the offending appliance replaced with an extra liquor cabinet.

Andrea said...

I'm glad you're okay. Yes, those pesky cooking things can be a pain. I wish you quick and speedy appliance and damage recovery. In the meantime, enjoy the take out.

Bernita said...

Miss Snark Dear...you DIDN'T!!!
And forgot?
Really?
That place is about the only place in my place that doesn't have reading material on it or in it.
I learned.

Sue said...

Ah. A friend had a similar problem. She was sitting in her kitchen and starting hearing "pop pop pop" and discovered it was coming from her oven (which was cooking dinner.) Apparently it was also popping pop corn. She had a bag sitting on the stove top and was unaware that the heat venting from the rear of the stove top was enough to melt the bag. Pop corn poured down vent and into oven. Popped.

Glad you have escaped major calamity. Hope all is back to normal.

B. Dagger Lee said...

I’ve always thought that storing things in one’s oven is the first step on the slippery slope to a Collyer Brothers Apartment, as the firemen call them.

I saw a fireman knock a door down with one blow, a mere five seconds after he’d already knocked mine down. Even as I stood there with my mouth hanging open I felt the most intense admiration. No Hamletish indecision there.

But fires are super super scary. I’m sorry. Is your hair still the right color?

yrs, B. Dagger Lee

Steorling said...

oh, my. Is the crapometer to blame? You were testing it weren't you, and there was residue stuck in the gears from last time around? Oh the horror, the sheer humanity, or in Yapps case the caninanity...wait, is that a word?
Anyway, so sorry.
*looking to see what she has in that little box marked for emergencies*
uh, yeah, I think a few of us could do with the reminder...nothing but BoDog's retrieving dummy and a really out-of-date can of Dt. Pepsi.

Maria said...

Well, at least you are prepared for the crapometer and your slush pile. If you start anything on fire (including your hair or the slush pile), the firemen know where you live. The doorman knows to let them in. KY is prepared (I assume he has been fitted for a parachute so that he can safely leap out the window) and you not only have Gin, you have an extinguisher.

The only thing you need now is...well, food. Precooked, hopefully. :>)

Be safe. We're glad everyone is okay.

Dave said...

OH!
You roasted a box or a pan or something that wasn't intended for ovenware.

I did that, welcome to the "I really hate this kitchen club" ...

I can introduce you to the "tasty dog food club" with my meat loaf diasasters.

Or how about the "what's that red spot on your ceiling?" It's from the tomato paste can that bulged only slightly.

Or how about the scorch marks on my dining room ceiling from that Flambe' with just a touch too much alcohol?

Well, someday, you'll look back and laugh.

Anonymous said...

Damn! Foyled again. I would've gotten you if it wouldn't have been for those meddling kids.

Marlo said...

And you thought you were being overprotective, making sure KY's Tam was fire-retardant...

Glad to here the family is fine.

Cooking is dangerous, so you should never do it. You shouldn't even have the appliances to do it, just in case. Especially in New York, where space is bent is such a way that your stove, bed, and toilet are only an inch a part. Although you *can* throw that toilet water on anything but a grease fire....

Craig Steffen said...

I'm glad everyone's Ok!

One assumes that the root cause was storing something (New York magazine, I gather) in the oven or on top of the stove, which which a sufficiently small apartment you might end up doing.

However, one also wonders...what was the...spark that set off the catastrophe? Someone either turning on the stove or pre-heating the oven?

Since this is the first post today, I will fondly hope that it was Mr. Clooney (or someone else, for that matter) who, after spending a very long night making Miss Snark forget all about her slush pile, was up and making her breakfast. In his rush (it's always difficult to make breakfast in someone else's kitchen) he turned on the wrong burner and set the New York magazine stack on fire.

Scottie McBruiser said...

I doan s'pose the wee lit'ul toilet scrubbah that passes fer yer canine burst inta hauwt flamin' Brie, didhe?

Pity.

Ah'least yah couldda et Clooney's pig if'n 'e'd been reduceda crispy bacon.

Anonymous said...

I'd loan you my hubby as he's an ex-fireman but he set fire to his bath robe so mebbe not such a good idea. Oh, have him anyway! Glad you're okay and I echo Elektra.

LJCohen said...

Miss Snark--glad to know you and the four legged one are both fine.

Scary stuff.

Add "test and replace smoke detector batteries as needed" to your list.

Stephanie Blake, Colorado Writer said...

If you had a small snark of your own, you would get to see beautiful firefighters at the fire station visit every year. Or when you need to make sure the car seat is in nice and tight. Whenever we visit, I take a lot of pictures, but my child is not always in them.

Corn Dog said...

Dang. Fire in the hole. Doorman acting an ass. Too much excitement. I'm very glad you and KY are okay. My condolences to the "great hulking kitchen appliance." (Moment of silence here)

Jim Oglethorpe said...

Did you fall asleep holding your Opera Length Slimline cigarette holder? Be careful!

I would take FDNY hottie over George Clooney any day of the week. But I love a man in uniform. Even the UPS man.

lizzie26 said...

Glad you and KY are okay. I guess those really bad queries burn fast, huh.

Malia said...

Close one there, MS. Just a hint, the "low" "medium" and "high" settings on that there metallic filing cabinet really weren't priority settings.

My oven blinks "FO" all the time and beeps constantly. The book says "FO" stands for faulty oven .... I disagree.

We are in the middle of renovations, so soon the fuckin' oven will be beepin' no more.

desert snarkling said...

And here I thought you were merely taking precautionary measures before the Crapometer entries start arriving! (Glad everyone's okay!)

jeb said...

Oh, dear. Were some ultra-hot romances smoldering in the slush pile? Or was it deliberate reduction of slush like with the email questions, and just got out of control?

"Miss Snark set her copy of the New Yorker down on the stove, then turned the ring on under it by mistake. No, you may not ask HOW I know."

You should see my copy of 'Joy of Cooking' :(

(word ver: srttsb = warning sound made by that old plastic mixing bowl melting onto a rapidly warming burner; immediately precedes the 'whoompf')

NJG said...

Glad you're okay.

Reminds me of a case I saw on Judge Judy: one friend had another friend house sit. The house sitter turned on the oven, burned up all the stuff stored in it and killed the oven. The house sitter (the defendant) said he wanted to use the oven and that's what an oven's for. The plaintiff told the judge that that's not what her oven was for: "You should understand. I'm Jewish. I don't use my oven. I don't cook."

The house sitter lost because he didn't look first to see if there was something inside. He also failed to shut it off when he should have known something, (the odor), wasn't right.

Anonymous said...

Forget the New Yorker.

Did any queries/partials/manuscripts get lost?!!!

McKoala said...

Ouch. Glad you are unscathed, apart from the stove and NY mag.

I once had a fire inside my oven. Every time we opened the door flames flew out, every time we closed it the the fire went out completely. A clever friend started muttering about oxygen feed until a less clever, but more beefy bloke pushed him out of the way, soaked a cloth in water and put out the fire with that.

We did not eat well that night. But I did date the human fire extinguisher for a while.

M. G. Tarquini said...

This is the reason Dog created Take Out, Miss Snark.

Consolatory Gin is on way. Have arranged for off-duty hunk to deliver it.

Greta LaGarbeaux said...

Silver lining: Miss Snark again experiences transcendent gratitude at living in New York City, where residents live under the vigilant protection of NYFD, the slam-dunk finest looking public servants on the planet.

Chumplet said...

My mom has the habit of turning on wrong burners. Good thing her landlord who lives upstairs is a firefighter. I can sleep at night.

My sister in law and her husband decided to take a shower together, but beforehand he turned on the kettle for some tea. Well, he thought it was the tea kettle. It was actually the pot of oil on the back burner. They had to replace the whole kitchen.