9.03.2006

3rd SR Crapometer #38

Dear Miss Snark,


SNITCH: a nasty word. So what does it have to do with an Old Catholic priest, the pastor of a California church? He sells his parsonage and buys a $102,000 dollar black BMW. He’s also married to one woman and engaged to another. When the authorities catch on to his money-laundering and pandering, our good priest is arrested and tossed into jail. His life will change forever when he meets Roy G. Smith, twice convicted pedophile presently being held for murder in one of California’s highest profile cases.

Roy, over the course of two months, confesses the murder to our unethical priest. When Roy realizes he has divulged too much, he warns the priest to keep the information on the low down – or else. Will the priest snitch on Roy or will he quietly go on with his jail time, and live with the knowledge of the murder, a weight on his mind which will eat away at him like a maggot feasting on garbage?

Within the pages of Snitch are plots, subplots, dramas, poetry and myths. (uh oh) The reader will explore the very timely topics of priesthood, jail and murder. Snitch is a non-fiction, true-crime book written by the author of (title) an e-book published by Cool Publications of Great Britain, and the essay, (title), soon to be published by Hillary Carlip on Fresh Yarn.

At your request, I will send you a writing sample and a book proposal. Please feel free to contact me at the address below.

Thank You,

True crime? What's the hook? One guy confesses to a murder to another guy. You've got it dressed up in current hot button issues of Catholic priests, pedophilia and larceny but other than that, there's nothing there.

Snitch

SHARK - It was an absurd color of orange. An angry, howling cunt of an orange. The eyes above the orange were flat-black, all alone and dead, like those of a great white shark. The face the eyes inhabit exuded energy, a streaming, trenchant flow of hideous indecency. He had a supercilious expression on his face. He gazed off to the side, as if wishing he were somewhere else, or reflecting on some inner conundrum.

The mouth below the eyes rumbled, “You guys remember Lane Silva?”

I hesitated, rummaging through my memory files: short, approximately fifty-five years old, Hispanic but he looked quasi-white because of his complexion; he cut hair for a candy bar or a soup, in here for some violent crime. I can’t remember what, though. I nodded. “Yeah, I remember him. Whatever happened to him?” I couldn’t recall the last time I saw him – then a mimetic bulletin transfused up from my synapses: Lane, wearing handcuffs, a plastic bag filled with his property over the shoulder of his fireplug body, being escorted to the Hole. Black-clad correction officers on either side of him, their Sam Brown belts bristling with non-lethal weaponry: mace, pepper spray, zap guns, long shiny black flashlights of phenolic plastic, which doubled as truncheons.

The other guy of the ‘guys’, plural, in the interrogatory looked bewildered. He’s a tall man, thin. Reminds one of a balding Bassett Hound, with his sad eyes and hanging jowls. “Who?” said Bob.

Am I supposed to be shocked by the "cunt of an orange". Is that supposed to be edgy?
You've got a very short amount of time to entice me to read on. This doesn't do that.

26 comments:

M. G. Tarquini said...

Parsonage is a Protestant term, isn't it? All the priests I know live in rectories. Also, how does a priest sell it? Priests take vows of poverty. They own no property. The house he lives in would be in the name of the parish, or even higher up. The priest couldn't close escrow because he couldn't clear title. It would take more than his signature to sell it, and it seems impossible that neither the title company, nor the bank would find something fishy about the whole deal.

I mention this because true crime, or not, there's a lot of basics here that ring odd to me.

December Quinn said...

Whose cunt is orange?? I'd send that woman to a doctor ASAP.


This lost me immediately. The tenses are off and it's not clear what or whom is being described. Also, using "like a shark" immediately after starting the book with "SHARK" didn't work.

Elektra said...

I'm with m.g. tarquini on this one. Priests do in fact live in rectories, though I'm not sure who owns them--probably the diocese.

A few other problems stick out about this scenario: priests get a lot of visits at home, at all hours of the day and night. The rectory is also where official church meetings are held (it's the church office in addition the the priests' living quarters). It'll be noticed ASAP if the priest is no longer there. Yet another problem: it is VERY unusual for a single priest to live in a rectory. There are usually, almost always, at least two.

Catholicism is filled with little bits that can give you away if you don't do your research. Good luck.

Manic Mom said...

You know, I've been trying to find cunt of an orange in my grocer's freezer section... could I be searching in the wrong place?

Kim said...

Ummm... priests aren't married... at least the Catholic ones I knew weren't and I'm pretty sure that hasn't changed. Has it??? Then again, I haven't been to church in a while and the whole thing went and changed behind my back. Maybe it's a California thing??? I dunno... maybe it's sign...

Anonymous said...

Okay, I've missed something. What was orange? Nevermind the howling cunt of an orange, the image of which has driven me straight to the produce aisle for a lesson in citrus anatomy. Was it a guy's mouth? Had he been eating Now and Laters?

I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Only religious priests take vows of poverty (e.g., Jesuits, Benedictines, Dominicans, etc.) Secular priests are not bound by poverty vows (though they do promise celibacy), and they live in rectories usually owned by the parish. It's not uncommon for (especially older) diocesan priests to own property, usually for retirement or to take care of elderly family members.

Kim said...

Then again, I haven't been to church in a while and the whole thing went and changed behind my back.

*sigh* It was supposed to be MAYBE the whole thing went and changed yadda yadda yadda

definitely a sign

Bernita said...

Hmmm, was of the impression that an OLD CATHOLIC priest may indeed be married.
The term is a broad one and includes splinter groups ranging from traditional to New Age.

Anonymous said...

First there's juice fortified with vitamin C, then calcium, now ... "New from Tropicana: No Pulp Cunt Orange. Not from concentrate."

B. Dagger Lee said...

"It was a flaccid color of red. A deflated, strange, prick of red."

Actually, manic mom, I think it's a kind of drink, like hair of the dog. You should be looking for it in a bar, not the grocery store.

Priests, parsonages, pedophiles, maggots. Some of these queries and first pages are scaring me!

Does Miss Snark have a hatchet or a gun in the desk drawer next to her gin, in case the slush pile gets too scary?

I'm glad I carry a dagger around.

yrs, B. Anonymous Lee

Anonymous said...

Through the power of modern technology, artists have managed to reconstruct the face of the man in the story. (apologies to Elijah Wood & the author)

Prepare to be amazed!

Sarah said...

"An angry, howling cunt of an orange."

I hate to see powerful and descriptive words like "cunt" trodden underfoot like damp confetti.

Rolls eyes.

Next.

A. M. said...

No more celibat (e?) for Catholic priests? I'll be darned.

snarkfodder said...

"Cunt" didn't affect me either way. I stopped caring by the fourth sentence but read a little more because I wanted to know what the hell you were going on about. By the second paragraph you still hadn't told me exactly what you were describing. I knew it was orange and it had eyes and there was something to do with sharks. I kept trying to guess if it was a statue or a demon or Killer Yapp turning red with rage for having to read along, but you never got back to me on that.

Without a visual reference I quickly gave up. Next time please say what it is first, then describe it in more detail if you must.

Anonymous said...

Nope, Catholic priests are still (officially) celibate.

Russian Orthodox priests - and I think, but I wouldn't swear, Greek Orthodox priests - can get married.

Also, when someone uses 'cunt' in the first sentence or two, I instantly suspect them - rightly or wrongly - of trying to shock me, which is always terminally boring.

Anonymous said...

"Former" priests can get married. Pretty sure the old ones are bound by the same priest-rules (so to speak.) Old and former don't mean the same things so if this guy's no longer a priest, it should be spelled out.

And what is a new age catholic and does the pope know about this?

Jessica said...

BWAH!

Damn, manic mom! Your comment has reminded me why i shouldnt even take a chance eating or drinking at the computer.

*picks noodles off keyboard*

All i can think of orange cunt = fake tanned cunt?

class-factotum said...

The priest cannot divulge what he has heard under the seal of confession. Not even a court order can make him tell. So there is a major plot point gone. Priests hear crap like this all the time. So? Nothing to see here. Move along.

As far as being married and owning property, author can get rid of that plot problem by making him an Episcopal priest. But then you don't have the confession conundrum, I don't think. I can't speak for the Episcopalians. I just know how it works for us Catholics.

I don't know of any Catholic denomination where the priest owns the Church property (technically, it is part of the diocese, usually incorporated under the bishop's name, I believe) or where the priests are allowed to have sex. There are some RC priests who are married, but they are ones who were married when they converted from another denomination. There aren't that many.

Sonarbabe said...

Thank dog I put my glass down before I opened the comment trail on this one.

The first thing that hit me though was the "low down" comment in the query. Am I the only one that noticed that error? Shouldn't it read, "Keep it on the down low"?

December Quinn: "I'd send that woman to a doctor ASAP"

That had me laughing aloud.

M. G. Tarquini said...

Priests in the Polish National Catholic Church can marry, but they are a smaller sect and do not recognize the authority of the Holy See.

New Age Catholic? That's a new one. Post-post-POST-Vatican II, I presume.

Secular Priest seemed such a contradiction in terms that I googled it and came up with this. I still can't figure out what they are.

Bernita said...

A surprising number of sects perambulate under the name "Old Catholic."

Anonymous said...

I agree that it's a ridiculous use of the word, but to be fair "cunt" doesn't have nearly the same connotation in Britain (from whence the author seems to originate) as it does here...at least based on my limited Brit movie watching experience. It seems to be a synonym for "asshole" over there.

snarkaholic said...

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the angry, howling cunt of an orange.

Anonymous said...

Why is the priest's name never given in this query? 'our good priest', 'our unethical priest' 'the priest' - it comes across as poncey and affected to me.
-Barbara

Loriba said...

Anonymous said...

I agree that it's a ridiculous use of the word, but to be fair "cunt" doesn't have nearly the same connotation in Britain (from whence the author seems to originate) as it does here...at least based on my limited Brit movie watching experience. It seems to be a synonym for "asshole" over there.

I'm British and I have never heard 'cunt' used instead of 'asshole' (or should that be 'arsehole'?).

As far as I am aware it means exactly the same thing here as it does in the US.

Perhaps you're confusing it with the word 'fanny', which over here means the same thing as 'cunt'?

Even if it did mean 'arsehole' it would still be a ridiculous use of the word. I'd also recommend the owner saw a doctor ASAP. :-)