Dear Miss Snark:
Until vampires attack them, Linda thinks Phillip and she are a typical middle-age, middle-class couple. She discovers, instead, that Phillip is New Hampshire’s Vampire Prince. Every bit as shocking is Phillip’s insistence that she is one of the last true gypsies, a race endowed with the power to destroy his people.
Linda decides to leave him, but when she overhears human assassins preparing to kill him, she races to warn him, saving his life and admitting to her love for him in the process. When Phillip proposes a choice between becoming his vampire queen and becoming his bonded human mate, Linda begs for time to think about the sacrifices she’d have to make in either case. He gives her a year to choose and allays her fears about the clash of their two worlds.
Phillip informs his people that she’s under his protection but not everyone is happy there’s a gypsy in their midst. When it becomes clear that both humans and vampires are plotting against him, Phillip and Linda have to confront not only the millennia old hostility between their two peoples, but also the deeper conflict between the good and evil among both races.
Linda, a child care director and lifelong idealist, and Phillip, a 3,600-year-old warrior and hardened pragmatist, must work together to discover who’s behind the attempts on Phillip’s life.
(title) is set in present-day New Hampshire where the places and people have both a delightfully quirky nature and a timeless grace. In this novel, the mysteries of gypsy heritage and lifestyle are given mystical origins, and the controversies regarding the true nature of vampires are at the heart of an ancient and contentious war.
Enclosed, please find the first page of (title), the first novel in the (title) series. The next three novels in this six book series have been completed. Thank you for taking the time to review this query. I am happy to send the manuscript or sample chapters and I have enclosed a SASE for your response.
You're confusing a query letter with a synopsis but that's not the worst problem we've seen today.
The problem here is you've got nothing new to say about vampires.
Despite being a denizen of dark places and vamping on pianos singing torch songs, I don't know a lot about vampire novels. I've read a couple but they aren't my forte. So when even I recognize this as biz as usual, you've got a problemo. Fresh and new may be heretical among vampires but over here in publishing you bloody well come to the meeting with it stamped on your forehead.
I'd read the pages only to see if you'd get a form rejection or one that said "keep me in mind for other things"
An explosion of sound and glass blew over Linda from across the room and she screamed. Phillip rolled away from her and jumped to his feet on the bed. Standing in the shards of the sliding glass door were three enormous dogs. No, they were wolves. No, as they stood up on two legs, they were people. No, just, no, she couldn’t accept what she had just seen.
The intruders growled and then the middle one spoke. “A new sheep, Phillip? A little old and grisly, isn’t she?”
Not waiting for more information, she rolled off the bed and ran from the room, swinging right in the hall and into the living room. Before she could make it to the front door, a different voice laughed at her from behind.
“Old and slow, but still willing to run. This may be a very short chase, but that’s better than none.”
She was almost to the door and very close to the wall, the wall where more than a dozen swords hung. She turned and looked at him. He was young, maybe 24, he looked strong and he was naked, so it was easy to see every single bulging muscle. (she's in fear for her life and stops to ogle a naked man .. just another Sunday at Snark Central)
Her mind was spinning. Her life had been as mundane as one could possibly imagine. She was a middle-aged, white-collar professional living in suburban New England. Nothing in her experience had prepared her for a wolfman attacking her in a secluded cabin. She shook her head, her hair flying around her. She could only survive this if she kept her head clear, kept thinking. Armed, she might have a chance. To her left were the only weapons in the cabin and she reached out and grabbed the closest one, hefting the heavy sword her left hand and then holding it before her.
The monster laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding. Oh, come on, old woman, you can barely hold that thing. Run for the door. I’ll give you a 30 second head start. That’s pretty sporting, wouldn’t you say?”
“I may not know much more than which end of this thing to hold, but I’m willing to learn more right here and now.” She knew that her challenge would have sounded more menacing if her voice weren’t trembling.
Find a critique group. You need some reader input. This has a lot of problems.