Dear Miss Snark:
I am proud to introduce my novel to you. [A top publishing executive] at [a major house] has requested the manuscript from me, and I thought you would like to hear about it.
ZAP! Right here I've put your letter back in the SASE and sent it back to you. Why? First, cause I don't believe you and second, if a (top publishing executive) thought your book was so all fired fabulous s/he'd give you a couple of specific agents to query and say "use my name".
Writers will interpret damn near anything as "liked my novel" up to and including "excuse me, I need to step into the stall and throw up now cause I had some bad fish at lunch".
IF in fact you have some person at a publishing house who likes your novel, tell me their name, their position and that they read it. That's it. That's the maximum I will ever believe. And I know this for an ironclad fact cause I've seen what people have said when they get a rejection from me that says "I don't do SFF, why don't you try Agent Spock over at Uranus Agency".
[TITLE] is the story of a love triangle told from the point of view of its three main characters: Micky, the crazy brother; Violet, his beautiful, sad sister; and Dave, the hot truck driver. Through a series of lies and manipulations, their lives intertwine in a complex and funny way, leaving their original perceptions of the world shattered. At 70,000 words, [TITLE] is a literary/commercial blend, an offbeat project with big ideas.
I am particularly pleased with the character of Violet; women are telling me how strongly they empathize with her.(they tell you this cause they want to sleep with you) She becomes a painter in the book, and the subject of art plays a big part in the story. But largely, [TITLE] is about a possible schizophrenic, Micky, who ultimately finds God.
There is no plot here just in case you're wondering what that screaming sound is.
I'm a graduate of New York University, having studied acting and script interpretation with the late great Stella Adler; I have had two short stories published by LITERARY VISION MAGAZINE; and I have written spiritual columns in VICE and NEXT Magazines here in New York. The NEW YORK POST has written a nice article about me as well. (oh please, unless you're on the front page of the Post and above the fold, naked, only your ma cares)
Thank you for your time, Miss Snark. I look forward to hearing from you. (I'll let you change your mind)
CHAPTER ONE: MICKY
Most people think that all you really need is a good job. Why? Because most people need to make money. And most people have a work ethic: nine to five, five days a week. And it's best if you do your duty and go to work. And when the weekend comes, you can go out and party and get drunk and laid and have a swell time.
But I don't work. And I don't play. I sit alone by myself and meditate. I contact God. If you call it that. I contact something above or inside of myself.
Why do I do it? I've got nothing better to do.
This private stuff that I do has given me a strange ability. This strange ability comes from this private stuff that I do - where else could it come from?
This ability is that I'm able to read other people's minds. Not all the time, just sometimes, when I'm concentrating. I can know exactly what you're thinking and what the name of your cat is. (I think you just called KY a pussy)
Do you believe me? I could say I don't care if you believe me or not. But that wouldn't be true. I care more than you know. If you don't believe me, though, you could always go back to work - or play - or whatever you do to amuse yourself.
I'm amusing myself by typing on this computer.
Well, as usual, the worst query letters come with interesting writing.
I like weird ass stuff, and this is qualifies.
I'd read on...KY objects but he's still a minority partner in this enterprise.