9.20.2006

Beverage alert

Mr. Snark,

I'm having a very strong desire to murder my agent. He hasn't sold my book yet, even though it's been sitting with editors for nine days. Nine days! It took him a whopping 25 hours (that's 1,500 minutes!) to respond to my latest email. I'm very concerned that not only is he incompetent, but he's also a bit unstable. My agent is the one responsible for my decision to end his life. I cannot decide if I should commit the homicide by cannon, butcher's knife or paper cut. Your help?

Please note that this is not for use on your blog. I value your opinion but would like you to respect my privacy.

Sincerely,
Me



clue: this is a joke from an associate.
All comments that didn't get that have been deleted.


37 comments:

rkcooke said...

Here's another beverage alert--check out New Beginnings 120.

http://evileditor.blogspot.com/

S. W. Vaughn said...

I vote for death by papercut.

Please film it and post it to YouTube so we can all benefit from the proper way to murder lazy agents.

Excuse me, I need to roll on the floor...

BWAH-hahahahahahaha!

The Rejected Writer said...

Miss Snark, when did you undergo the gender reassignment surgery?

I am now very sad.

Jane Lebak said...

I guess what's funny is that most writers have felt that way from time to time. ("I clicked on 'get mail' twice, but I didn't get any--what gives?")

No, even funnier is that agents know we feel that way. I thought it was supposed to be a well-kept secret.

Anonymous said...

I'd pay to read the comments of the snarklings who jumped on the murder bandwagon. Ya think NYPD was notified?

Chumplet said...

I almost feel that way when I hit Refresh repeatedly on Miss Snark's and Evil Editor's blogs and there's nothing new in the last fifteen minutes. What gives?

Shouga Tea said...

I would think agents would be impervious to papercut, Vaughn. And suffocation by manuscript.
However...we are notified of a certain suceptibility to fire.

Janet Black said...

So . . some readers thought it was serious. Oh dear. Grab the clue cannon.

Sonarbabe said...

Bwahahaha! Thank you for the beverage alert. I set mm coffee down first. However, Miss Snark, I think you should take off the edited comment about deleting the posts of people not getting that this is a joke. Then, post a whole new beverage alert for the funniest nitwit comment given by a snarkling who needs to be shot with the clue gun at dawn. :) But that's just me. I'm sadistic that way.

Anonymous said...

Before taking such a drastic and fatal step you need to get the agent's attention first!

I suggest dropping an oiled from head-to-toe George Clooney repeatedly upon the agent. It's a legit form of calling her on the carpet.

M. G. Tarquini said...

NONONO! Not a paper cut! They're always getting infected.

The Unpretentious Writer said...

My comment got deleted for lack of clue...I was being sarcastic, lol, I guess my wit's a bit too dry for this morning.

Coffee may improve this - thanks for being so entertaining this morning, MS.

(Although, I must admit, I'd watch death by papercut.)

Shesawriter said...

The letter, though meant in jest, was all too real. That kind of ... irrationality happens all the time. Not that I'm speaking from experience, or anything. 8-\

M. Takhallus. said...

Oh, for God's sake, if you can't figure out what murder weapon to use you shouldn't be writing.

lizzie26 said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of readers guessed this was some kind of a joke. But since equally stupid stuff -- that was completely serious -- has appeared on this blog, I think some of these "allowed" responses are a bit smug.

I'm disappointed.

Daisy said...

For my money, you just can't beat a good old-fashioned chainsaw for your agent-destroying needs. Just be sure you get one of the gas-powered ones; those little electric jobs are relatively quiet, but they just don't have the power.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

I say death by a driping hot clue gun. Paper cuts are just cruel and unnecessary!

Anonymous said...

I can sympathize with this guy. I've actually waited several hours to hear back from agents when I had dropped the queries off at the post office that morning, and it took them months to get back to me. Is that any way to treat a potential client?

bil e. goat said...

This isn't serious? I thought everything he said was totaly reasonable!

tambo said...

Oh. My. God.

I know that author!

Are you sure it's not a real letter? It seems like every time I talk to this author their agent hasn't returned the call yet - after six messages, or more - and there's no word from the publisher/editor even though the manuscript dujour's been on their desk for days. DAYS!!

Don't the publishing folks in New York realize that the center of the universe is a bit West and South? C'mon!

Thanks for the chuckle. :)

GVDub said...

The other drawback to the electric chainsaw is that you need a long extension cord in the event that you're unable to properly cripple the agent first.

I would just force them to read all the way through everything in the slush pile of a semi-pro publication that takes unsolicited e-submissions. I think they'd be driven to suicide in no time.

Kalayna-Nicole Price said...

I don't know.
Everyone seems to be voting paper cut, but maybe since I'm sad I forgot about 'Talk like a pirate day' (It was yesterday) I'm leaning towards cannon.

Quooquoo said...

26 hours here... Geesh!

;-D

Anonymous said...

O. M. Dawwwwwwwwggggg. I have that agent too! The Tor people have had my manuscript for over a week and he just sits there and does nothing to hurry them along! Any decent agent would have an e-mail blitz to the editor organized by now. I'm thoroughly disgusted. Me, do you think we can go class-action on this? E-mail me, Me, and let's talk.

Aconite

Talentless said...

I feel it is my duty to point out, in the cause of fostering love and understanding between agents and the unpublished masses, time is relative. We have all experienced this phenomenon, but there are certain circumstances that particularly display the nature of this relativity.

During a dull day at work - ten minutes can take at least 3 hours to pass.

A really great band and gig - two hours passes in ten minutes.

There are many other examples that don't spring to mind at present (dinner with Mr Clooney would, I imagine cause a series space time incident).

I think it has been scientifically proven that when an unpublished writer sends out a manuscript some small part of their soul goes with it. This causes a warp in the space time continuum and increases the relativity of time to such an extent that from the second the manuscript leaves their hapless fingers they are caught in a vortex of frustrated expectancy. Add to this the torture of not actually wanting to know that the manuscript has been rejected and ... of course madness ensues.

--E said...

Dear Writer,

It is well known that the most incompetent of agents are undead, and thus nothing short of fire can guarantee their demise (and your agent sounds incompetent indeed!). I recommend you torch the agent's office. That will also ensure the destruction of countless manuscripts of your competitors. We all know it's a zero-sum game, so the more of them you can knock off, the better.

In fact, maybe you ought to just take that up as a hobby; murdering your competition, I mean. I'm sure you'll get a good enough book out of the experience that the TV and movie rights alone will make you richer than Bill Gates. You could pull a reverse-Frey and claim you made it all up.

Jude Hardin said...

There's a scene in one of Lawrence Block's books where an author and his publisher are involved in menage a trois. The author thinks since the third party is fucking both of them, that makes her the agent. :)

GutterBall said...

Don't feel bad, Unpretentious. Mine was deleted, too. I blame it on reading this entry first thing in the morning before I had any caffeine.

I should have caught a clue by the fact that it wasn't labeled "Nitwit" something or other. Eesh.

Luckily, I wasn't preaching editor murder!

Anonymous said...

Let's look at the reverse! poor agents....how many of these authors are out there (besides me)?
Does the agent have a spam system so she doesn't have to listen or look at all the messages she knows she will notand cannot answer? Oh, yes, thank dog for interns and pets and grandmothers. Especially grandmothers - mine is the one that keep sending my agent the e-mails and calling. Big deal, so I used her as an excuse during my college says over sixty times when my term papers were late.

theraspberrycordial said...

I'm voting for the papercut but I'd like to see lemon juice used as well for good sound effects

Anonymous said...

Demand that the agent read "THIS IS NOT CHICK LIT" while standing in the Bloomingdales shoe department. The ladies will pelt him with Manolo's and he'll be out of your misery. 'Nuff said.

lalala said...

"That's an interesting perspective, Holy Cow. But ask Oprah how her whole 'reading the classics' thing went - how many copies of that two-pack of Faulkner, for example, didn't sell."

That's because people like Holy Cow don't need to buy a new copies of Faulkner's work--they already own Faulkner. Besides, I would never buy anything packaged by Oprah.

McKoala said...

Who needed a clue?!

writtenwyrdd said...

I am amazed you had responses that didn't see this was a joke. You aren't kidding about that, are you Miss Snark?

just Joan said...

Wow! 25 hours is WAY too long for an email response! I think Me should have been considering agentcide (that's the proper term, you know) after the first 5 minutes! I mean, email is instant, right?

And isn't "Death By Papercut" the title of Miss Snark's autobiography?

:D

pennyoz said...

Uh oh. This letter was addressed to your father!