After long and careful deliberation, I've decided to start charging reading fees.
Each query cost $75.
Given that will probably reduce the number of queries by half, I figure we'll get 50 a week.
(Abacus Snark presents calculator tape showing $75 x 50 = $3750)
Deducting for pizza and beer, figure we'll have $3000 to spread among the readers.
Here's how we'll divvy up the pot;
If the query you're reading says X, you'll get Y.
X1. I'm writing to let you know I've finished my novel and I'm seeking representation
X2. My childhood was Dickensian, so I've written a memoir to spare everyone who might be thinking of enslaving children as chimney sweeps
X3. I've been published before but I'll spare you the sordid details
X4. I've never been published before but I've recently retired and thought I'd take up fiction novel writing since everyone loved my 17K word Christmas letters
X5. I've read your website carefully (and letter is sent to wrong address)
X6. I've sent three chapters and a synopsis because that's what most agents ask for
X7. Your secret is safe with me
X8. Famous Writer insisted I use his name when pitching my novel
Y8a: $20 (if the famous writer is known to no one in the room)
Y8.b: $40 (if the famous writer is published by AuthorHouse)
X9. Let me know right away whether you want to see more because I have a list of other agents to send this to
X10. The manuscript is available in word perfect, times new roman 12 point, and I can fax, email or fed ex a copy to you
We're taking applications for readers:
2. Number of queries you've sent
3. Number of nitwitteries you've committed unknowingly
4. Number of nitwitteries you've committed knowingly
5. Number of fiction novels you've written
6. Number of fiction novels you've read
7. Number of angels on a pinhead
8. Are you allergic to dogs?
9. Are dogs sexually attracted to your leg?
10. Condition of your keyboard at this moment?