10.31.2006

Red Letter Writing Contest #47

Sally Strauss produced a noticeable hissing sound as she attempted to dislodge a piece of communion wafer that had become caught underneath her orthodontic appliance.

"Sally, can you please not dragoon your retainer?" her mother whispered through clenched teeth. "It's disgusting."


A few of the Rent-A-Mourners turned their heads to glare at Sally. She rolled her eyes, knowing that the disapproval she was getting was nothing like what her brother encountered at the door.


Heinrich Strauss wore a crisp paisley shirt and tapered jeans with zippers at the ankle. Born Jason Strauss, Heinrich changed his name in order to sound more Jewish. He quickly realized that wasn't a good idea when the majority of Americans mistook the eszett for the letter B, but "Heinrich" had a nice ring and it gave him something to talk about at the cocktail parties he was hoping one day to be invited to.


Heinrich stood at the door of the church and handed out fliers for his new enterprise, The Cabal—a combination of Kabbalah study, evangelical Christianity, and Amway. The flier compared a Cabal meeting to "hanging out with Madonna, Pat Robertson, and that guy who cornered you in the elevator the other day." He wasn't getting many takers among the crowd whose purpose for being there was to attend the funeral of a highly respected school board member, but Heinrich was not to be deterred. He knew The Cabal would make him rich one day.

He knew he'd be rich, otherwise his name would have been Heinrick.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aw man, my eszett didn't turn out. I was afraid of that. That first mention should be "Heinrich Strauß." Alas, the risk one takes.

These are great Miss Snark. Perfect way to spend the time waiting for the trick-or-treaters!

I Said said...

Neat set-up. This would make a great story.

Jessica said...

I love the image of a communion wafer getting caught in someone's mouth. It's so full of symbols.