11.03.2006

Killer Yapp here

I'm writing to report pack leader Snark has been taken away by motorized conveyance with siren. The bipeds who accompanied her, in white jackets, said she would require medical intervention over the weekend. I have called Grandmother Snark to chauffeur me to her den for the weekend while PL Snark recovers. No one will be here at Snark Central to flog the blog.

This cat-astrophic event was precipitated by the following, which I found on her computer screen when I went to investigate the source of the nap-snapping thud:



Dear Ms. Snarrk,

This email query letter comes to you after extensive research of your blog's web site. I have selected *you* out of all the other literary agent candidates to represent my completed 365,000-word fiction novel, "Killer Sex: My Marriage To George Clooney.” Actually, it’s a blueprint of how *I’m* going to manipulate George Clooney into marriage, maybe you can use my ideas in your quest to marry Tom Cruise! You strike me as being somewhat more intelligent than most of the morons pretending to know anything in the whorish literary agent profession.


As I am eager to move forward on my writing career, I can email the PDF to you (I'm sure you’re not one of those dumbass clueless losers who want busy writers to waste a lot of money, time and trees to submit hardcopy ms’s) but must ask you to please have it read by next Saturday. I will have another novel ready for you shortly as I have the (400,000+ and counting) sequel work in progress, “Why He's Gay Now.” By then I will have probably divorced Mr. Clooney and left him a broken ruined wreck of a man, so I can marry the Sultan of Bhutan.

Please respond promptly or I’ll be forced to submit my guaranteed Dan Brown-shaming best-seller to some gin-soaked lush with an obnoxious yap-rat I met at a writing conference recently. My email address is diva@imsoawesome.com/. Might be a good idea for you to whitelist this address for the future. I’ve whitelisted you so the contract makes it through my spam filters.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well? Did you sign him?

judy said...

Damn! Another lonely weekend.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMFAO!!!

shelby said...

Diva, Diva, Diva. Obviously you didn't read Ms. Snark's website closely enough to realize what she really wanted was your ms sent as an attachment along with your equery. At any rate, your fiction novel sounds engaging and timely! You mentioned a sequel--is there going to be a series? Ms. Snark would be a fool to not snatch this one right up.

After she comes out of the rubber room, that is.

resurrectedwarrior said...

*random beverage spurts out nose*

That one needed a beverage alert.

writtenwyrdd said...

Snorting coffee through my nose, damn you. But you left out the mention of the gigantic fruit basket being sent your way as a thank you in advance for representating him/her.

(Check out Rejecter's blog today about gifts.)

Anonymous said...

which of the two is now gay?

McKoala said...

My, my, Killer Yapp, how your typing has come on. Don't forget to take your pink tam to Grandma Snark's place, the chilly winter nights are coming.

Poor, dear Miss Snark. I hope that the intravenous gin drip washes the distress right out of her veins.

Marcom said...

Good god, the mail you get...

Lauren said...

[hands over full gin pail]

delilah said...

Forget about covering the keyboards. We snarklings have to chip in and buy a couple of truckloads of Depends.

Killer Yap is one funny puppy!

Chumplet said...

You pick a helluva way to get a weekend off. You could have just taken the phone off the hook, put some newspapers on the floor for KY and unplugged the computer instead of giving us a heart attack.

Have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Snark,
I have very bad news. Mr. Clooney is married to his housekeeper, who needed a visa so that she could stay and polish shoes, make his bed, and call him "Mijo" when he wakes up in the morning.

As you can imagine, she is not just a regular housekeeper, but she is beautiful. The two have three children: Angel, Jésus, and Rodrigo. Their existence is very secret, often they have posed as Brangelina's adopted children, once they did a stint as Tom & Nicole's (when they were betrothed).

His wife does not mind sharing. However, please keep in mind that this was the same person who sent Julia packing, made Reneé Zellwegger decide to gain back fifteen pounds, and gave Salma Hayek the brush.

Good luck, Miss Snark.

The Rentable Writer said...

Ha! This is gold. To whoever wrote this: Niiice.

Nick said...

I think this person better go into protective custody before Miss Snark comes out of her coma.

-Nick

Anonymous said...

LOL! And Miss Snark doesn't even represent Christian Inspirational authors...!

Janet Black said...

I think I might have taken a beginning journalism class with that person, back in high school. Among other things she stuffed her bra with gym socks. I'm confident Mr. Clooney will 'pass' on the offer.

Kristi said...

Dear Brilliant Queryer,

If Miss Snark passes on this goldmine, please contact me at iluvwriterz4real.com. I would love to offer you representation. Bring your credit card.

P.S. No need to send your ms, we trust you.

Lovingly yours,

Kristi Agent

Kim said...

I wish I didn't feel so damn lousy - my foggy little head won't let me think of anything even resembling funny. Thank Dog for these other comments - you all have brightened my day!

Dave said...

That's very, very good. A delightful post.

Termagant 2 said...

Anonymous. We Christian inspirational writers are so grateful for the reminder of where we rank in the overall design. We thank you from the bottom of our clueless nitwit hearts.

T2

Just Me said...

Hmmm. I sense KY delicately pulling my leg, possibly to give his mistress a well-earned few days off? (Hopefully, Miss S is now recovering in a flotation tank nicely spiked with gin at a very good spa somewhere...)

Have a lovely weekend, m'dear!

Jean said...

When will you guys figure out you can save money on keyboard by purchasing protective coverings? As for the Depends, don't forget those either. They should be a staple item.

Thanks for the update KY. Send our best wishes to Miss Snark. We hope to see her back here hale and hearty soon.

an oregonian said...

Dear Miss Snark,

I am taking you to small claims court for $99.95 plus shipping to replace my keyboard. The new one must be exactly like mine--Microsoft ergonomic complete with Sponge Bob stickers, minus coffee-through-nose effluvium.

My attorney will contact you shortly.

Shesawriter said...

Dear Miss Snark,

I hate to burst your bubble, but Clooney is gay. Sorry to break it to you like this, but you need to move on. You'll have to find another object of lust. You're going to survive this. Trust me.

Okay, I'm lying. I was just trying to spare you needless heartache. Truth is, Clooney proposed to me and we flew to Vegas last night. He's lying next to me now, completely exhausted from our ~~~~ machinations.

I tried to spare you.

Sorry.

(glances over shoulder)

I'd go into more detail about our wedding night and all the hedonistic passion we shared, but George is stirring again and duty calls....

Jason said...

Blahahahahaha

I'm tickled and such.

spymum said...

I can't help suspecting that 'He's Gay Now' as a direct result of 'Killer Sex' with this diva person!! Tee Hee!

(BTW, this letter has to be tongue in cheek, right? It can't surely be serious?)

just Joan said...

Oh my! What a wonderful book! I can hardly wait to read it. I'm sure Miss Snark will rush it through so it can be on the shelves by Christmas. Surely such a wonderful author won't need any editing anyway. And I'm so glad that if Miss Snark decides to pass (she'd be crazy to, but then again, she did have to be carted away) there is another offer of representation.

You go Diva!

:D

Ken Boy said...

I knew I wasn't crazy for teaching my cat to type.

Renee said...

Hey, what is the rejector's website? I can't seem to find it.
Thanks.

Anonymous said...

miss snark?

*knocks on computer monitor, "woohoo"-ing*

miss snaaaaark?

please come back to us soon. it's too quiet here and i've been wearing the same pair of depends for two days now.

miss snark?

Anonymous said...

Bhutan has NEVER had a sultan. I watch that movie too. It's just inaccurate.